Carrion Death.

You made it worse than it had to be,
a fist against my lip and a darkness
in my eye. I wondered where the bloom
was born and you showed me,
swish and flick, it was like you’d never
touched me.

But there’s a woman in the corner
whose eyes see a little further
and your hands can’t cover the blind.
You’ll cut out her tongue and leave it,
carrion bent, watching as her weeping
tears fall.

And the air is silence now, though I don’t know
where you breathe, there’s mist on the window
that’s a print of your life waiting to be
smudged against the pain. But I don’t know
how the glass is breaking, blood on the tips
and ice in the veins.

The sun is hot against your nape
and you’re watching for the blade
between your shoulders like it’s a bird of prey.
She’s still watching and I’m still listening,
though a covering of dust that hurts
the throat kisses our cheeks.

You’ll finish with a sigh, expelling the
expression, and we’ll be covered.
So don’t go and fret,
you fixed it.

I liked this. I think. I understood the story but at times I was confused. It read well and easily, which is good but I failed to understand the significance of the last line. Probably a deficiency on my part though, rather than the poems.

And the air is silence now, though I don’t know

where you breathe, [s]and[/s] there’s mist on the window

A couple things bothered me about this. Firstly, I think 'silence' should be 'silent' or 'silenced' - probably 'silent' - so it makes more sense.

Secondly, 'and' needs to go. It, in my estimation anyway, completely throws off this stanza. Without it, it makes sense.

*

though I don't know
where you breathe, there's mist on the window
that's a print of your life

*

Yeah, that works much better in my estimation. I was a little iffy on the use of 'smudged' right after that though, because that's pretty much what mist-prints on windows look like...

But yes, I enjoyed this.

Nice stuff

Jig! Thanks muchos for critting. ^^


I changed the "and", it works and it doesn't in a way. So thanks for the suggestion. I won't be changing "silence" though, because to do so would change the meaning I had for it.

Thanks once again. I'm glad you begrudgingly like it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Tangent, mi amor! Te amo para siempre y siempre. <3

Anyway! Here is the promised critiqued.

http://revver.com/video/1379493/affilia ... ion-death/

I sound like a squeaky toy. xD But! I analyzed the poem or something along those lines. Actually, it's a kind of lame analyzation. I just sort of ramble on about the poem. But hopefully, you'll find it useful!

Include this!