I Believe In God

I've decided I believe in God. I think that the world and people and outer space and the whole schibang of creation couldnt possibly have just popped into existance by accident; and I think God did it. And I know people disagree; my best friend is a solid atheist, and she's done the whole, "But there's no PROOF!" thing on me already; but I don't really care. I like believing in God. It makes me feel safe. And I kind of like that there's no proof; it gives an air of adventure to it all. And just thinking about the millions and billions of people in the past who fought and died for their religion makes me wonder how people can just shun it all nowadays. CALLOUS MUCH.

Anyway, here is my spur of the moment poem (because suddenly I have three hundred points and I have NO idea how that happened but heyhey, points equal YWS FUN!!)

(And also I forgot to mention that another reason to become Godly like me is that churches smell really nice)



I believe in God
The power that started the Earth
The sun, the moon, the stars
I believe in the supremacy that controls all
Creates all
Brings life then takes it away.

I believe in God
In all his glory and omnipresence
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost
I believe that he loves me as his child
Cares for me
And gives me freedom

I believe in God
He breathes a gust of life into me
To him, to her, to us
I believe that without him we would be nothing
But with him
We are everything

I believe in God
I cannot understand all of his choices
Suffering, destruction, death
But I believe he has his reasons
That they are just
And I trust him.

Well, this was boring.

You know the whole telling, not showing shebang that you hear as regards narrative writing? The same applies for poetry - there are exceptions obviously, but this is not one such - you should show us a variety of images, be they startling in effect or brilliant in their eccentricity, that tell a story, evoke a particular feeling or give meaning where none was before.

Here, you just list all that you believe in. In standard, boring sentences, using standard, boring language for a topic that is just as standard and boring.

Yeah, this did nothing for me.

Cheers

I loved it before I even read the actual poem. (and I laughed at the 'churches smell nice')
The reason I didn't point out anything wrong with your was because I found nothing wrong with it. I'm not just saying this because I am a Christian, and therefore believe in God. If I was polytheistic or Atheist, my opinion about this piece would still be the same. I liked the structure and your grammar was amazing. I liked the repetition of the first line, also, and felt that it was very impressionable.

There's not much else to say. I'm sorry that this is such a lame review


*anti-pop

Haha, indeed! We love it when points are reset.

This poem is more of a grocery list than anything. Instead of being poetic and pretty, you are simply saying that you believe in God over and over and over again. This isn't particularly inspiring though, and it really isn't pretty. For poetry such as this, you're going to want to focus on why God is omnipresent, giving plenty of pretty (or gritty!) examples. And you don't have to be explicit and say, "I believe in God!" always. You can be more subtle. For me, when I write poetry glorifying God, I tend to write more like, "Yay! Rejoice! Love and beauty is all around us!" and only briefly, if at all, mention God's name. But that's just me.

So yeah. Get rid of these stifling images and come up with something creative and gorgeous! After all, God did give you a poetic hand, didn't he?

Hey there Raimunda! Stella here!

I've been in quite a few churches and I'm not aware that they smell nice -or maybe you mean ones that use incense, but whatever, I recently found a really nice smell- shoe polish.

Okay, now, being raised as an Anglican, "I believe in God" is a very familiar set of words. The Nicene and Apostle's Creeds, the Responses- "I believe and trust in him."

So here I'm getting the feeling that you're trying to use to ever-familiar terminology to effect, only it's not quite hanging together. There's just something missing...

I believe in God
He breathes a gust of life into me
To him, to her, to us
I believe that without him we would be nothing
But with him
We are everything

This stanza doesn't quite do it for me. He doesn't still breathe a gust of life into you. He breathed life into Adam if I'm going to be picky. Also, we clearly aren't everything. Everything is everything. We are everything that we are and nothing more which is surprisingly little when you think about it, and especially when you're talking about God, isn't he everything rather than us?

But really, who am I to question it? If you've found God, that's fantastic and I really shouldn't be raining on your parade because really, that's all that matters. , Good job.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

I'm an Atheist, and I liked this poem. Admittedly, it is making me want to go on a rant in defence of my Atheism (probably not your intention), though I do respect religions-but that's mainly because they make Human culture more diverse, and because some religions teach good morals (others don't, in my opinion, but my moral code is founded mainly upon Jesus' teachings-I regard him as a great philosopher, rather than a messiah or supernatural being). But I liked this poem.

It is quite touching, in a way-you talk about God in a very loving and personal way:

"I believe that he loves me as his child
Cares for me
And gives me freedom"

I think this could be improved, however, by saying why you believe in God. Of course, that is from my Secular point of view-I am aware that most Christians (and followers of most other faiths) love God, but I do find myself wondering why they believe in him in the first place. Especially when people aren't brought up to believe in God. I know you gave a brief explanation beforehand-add this into your poem.

Also, if you want to convince any Atheists that God exists, you may need to add more points into your explanation. And no, I'm not talking about the whole "no proof" thing (though include that if you wish as well)-as far as I am aware, you can't prove that one plus one equals two, but I still believe in it. There are other Atheist counter-arguments to the existence of God. For example, when believers claim that the universe could not have come into existence without a creator, I would argue that if God can exist without a creator (if he can just exist), then so can the universe.

Right then. Just to finish off, it's a good poem, good structure, good grammar, etc, clear adoration of God, but you haven't included any reason why you believe in God. Not sure if you want to do that, but I would have assumed you do.

My church smells like cologne.

Random fact that I doubt you care about.

Right, onto the poem:

I happen to agree with Snoink. I think this is a fine piece, but poetry, in my opinion, should share more of your soul and less of your mind. This was your mind stating what it knows. What does your SOUL feel about God? What does the fact that you believe in Him mean to you? You right that down, and then I believe you will have a poem.

My personal opinion. Not to say that this isn't a good poem. It is. I just think you can pour yourself into it a little more.

[/quote]
I believe in God
He breathes a gust of life into me
To him, to her, to us
I believe that without him we would be nothing
But with him
We are everything
quote]

I found this stanza to be the most moving, as a person who struggles with her own faith, this is really inspiring. Although as far as believeability goes, I think your emotions were not let out enough.
Use more elevated diction and your point will seem more fluid.

Raimunda, I simply adore this poem. It may just be the best I've ever read as far as honesty, emotion, and reality are concerned. At the same time I really don't understand some of the reviews you've gotten-two in particular from YWS members that I really respected and whose works I enjoyed. I never have the time to give in-depth reviews, but I must make the time to do so here. if only to get across to the previous reviewers the..caliber..of this poem. You see, not everything has to meet standards or requirements. Works such as this-which is on an entirely different level-should have the privilege of residing outside those crude boxes with which all writing must somehow inherently abide. So now for my review.

Jiggity said that your sentences were boring, your language was boring, and the overall topic was boring. I beg to differ. What this person fails to understand is that at the time it was written, the idea itself was robust to you. You believed in God and this was new and exciting. A sense of fresh anointing and the knowledge that accompanied it washed over you. After re-reading this poem I felt a sense of wonderment, but boring was nowhere to be found.

Snoink said that your poem was neither poetic nor pretty. It lacked the vividness that would usually portray an intricate picture. I found this particular critique hilarious. Don't mistake me, I am not criticizing the individual, only what that person said to you. The fact of the matter is it is very hard to present or convey those things in writing when talking about God. The deity does not have a face or anything for that matter from which to even start conveying in any picturesque manner. The closet you can get is feeling Him, of feeling His love. Then you might be able to convey those emotions with bright pinks and yellows but really...that's not even the context here. If that were so then you would have written the poem in that manner. But the spontaneity of the poem does not leave room for that line of thinking considering the subject matter cannot be defined in our simple earthen terms. She said that she tended to write "Yay! Rejoice! Love and beauty is all around us!" and that you could be more subtle. However, that was not what YOU were feeling at the time-and you can't be expected to change what you were feeling to convey better imagery. You were feeling: "I Believe In God!" and that's what had to be put down when writing the piece if the true emotion of it was to be best captured by readers. She said God gave you a poetic hand, but always remember that He gave you free will which doesn't require explicit conformity to writing especially when it comes to works about Him.

I would comment on something Stella brought up in her critique as it relates to certain stanzas in your poem, despite the fact that she admitted afterward that finding God is the only thing that really matters-which is true.

"He doesn't still breathe a gust of life into you. He breathed life into Adam if I'm going to be picky."

What you are likely trying to convey here is that not that he literally breathed life into you as he did Adam, but that as you came to know Him on a spiritual level you were renewed in spirit. This renewing was as fresh and invigorating as what we can imagine the breath of life would be. She also said:

"Also, we clearly aren't everything. Everything is everything. We are everything that we are and nothing more which is surprisingly little when you think about it, and especially when you're talking about God, isn't he everything rather than us? "

You clearly state what you meant in this stanza being referred to and there is no need to change it in my opinion. You said that without Him we are nothing but with Him we are everything. You said that this was your belief and that alone exempts it from needing factual backup. But even if it did need to be backed up by fact, then confirmation for those who desire to research it, can clearly be found in the Text. The Bible says that "Through Him who strengthens us, we can do any and everything." Of course there are plenty other references in the Word, but that is the verse that comes to mind. Furthermore, if God is everything, and you are His child made in His image and Heir to all that He has, then would that not make you the same if through Him? I must remain steadfast in this: there is nothing wrong with the stanza you present here-the meaning is clearly defined-if only in the least to those with a clear understanding of the Word or who have underwent the experience you have.

I'm tired now, but there is more I must say. What the other reviewers fail to realize is that you can't craft or shape or dissect a work like this. It has to be taken at face value. In order for it to be appreciated at the fullest, it must come from the heart and be as true and open as you have laid out here. Just as God remains a shapeless entity to us mortals, so must certain things like this poem in particular be. I would dare not change a thing about it lest I shave off a precious portion of the "feeling" inferred-which is the basis of your poem.

I have hereby tried to give you the best review possible considering this is a special case. I apologize if at times it seemed as though I was merely bashing other Critiques given you as everything I have said was necessary in order to digest everything that I had to say to you. With that being said, I have nothing more to impart to you. I have an overall appreciation for your piece here and I thank you for the enlightenment and joy I received from simply reading it. I was even able to better understand it as I reviewed it. I look forward to reading more works by you rather they be of this nature or another.

Sincerely yours,
Demetri Saint Randrac

Having read Demetri Saint Randrac's critique, I've come to the conclusion that most if not all of my own criticisms were inappropriate. I was not reading with an open enough mind.

Keep it as it is.

okay its all cool and all that you've decided to believe in god and what not (heck, i used to be a Lutheran so i know the feeling) but i just wanted to chime in with something.

And just thinking about the millions and billions of people in the past who fought and died for their religion makes me wonder how people can just shun it all nowadays. CALLOUS MUCH.

okay as a religiously agnostic person i just want to point out that the whole fighting and dying reason is the reason i don't trust it. how can it be for the right cause if it alienates and destroys people with such ignorant zealotry. i'm not saying every person who's religious is a nutter. im just pointing to certain historical example like the witch hunting puritans. I'm not exactly fond of the whole, "screw Darwin" sentimentality of the 20's either seeing as Darwin is kinda my idol.

now for the actual poem.

okay to me this poem looks like its bound syllabic-ally and rythmically (' cause there sure aint no rhymes)

now nit-picky problems

lets start with the second to last lines

Creates all

and its counter part

Cares for me

are similar in number of syllables os im going to assume that these lines are 3 syllables (or are supposed to be)

and, yet, these are different from this last here

That they are just

which (if i remember how to count) is four syllables

now the second lines of each stanza

The power that started the Earth

and

In all his glory and omnipresence

the last has two more syllable and the next after that has one less than this and one more than the first. the last second line has the most syllables of any of these.

now lets look at the third lines

The sun, the moon, the stars

6 syllables

The Father, Son and Holy Ghost

8 syllables

To him, to her, to us

6 syllables again

Suffering, destruction, death

7 syllables.

now lets look at the last lines of each stanza

Brings life then takes it away.

7 syllables

And gives me freedom

5 syllables

We are everything

i think this is 6 though I may have counted wrong.

And I trust him.

4 syllables

right just thought you should know that

Overall things,

i liked the repetition on I believe in god, nice poetic element
i think the repetition in other lines on believe kinda takes away from it though.
oh and churches do smell kinda nice, don't they?

better than a lot of poems i've read on this site. good job

I loved the boldness of this post and this poem. The title of it as it showed up in the Featured stories link at the side of the add made me click on it, because God is a subject that we all skirt around. Everyone has their own beliefs and I personally think that religion is one of those things to live and let live about. But, that doesn't mean that we can write poetry that boldly states our opinion. I also loved the beginning of your post.

While I love the boldness of your post, the actual words kind of fall a bit flat. It reminds me of the Apostle's Creed a bit too much, which is a statement of belief and not a passionate declaration. It feels a bit too much like you're just repeating the same old lines over and over again. And, I believe that might be what some of the negative critiques are saying.

I think that your beginning dialogue might be what you want to focus on:

I've decided I believe in God. I think that the world and people and outer space and the whole schibang of creation couldn't possibly have just popped into existence by accident; and I think God did it. And I know people disagree; my best friend is a solid atheist, and she's done the whole, "But there's no PROOF!" thing on me already; but I don't really care. I like believing in God. It makes me feel safe. And I kind of like that there's no proof; it gives an air of adventure to it all. And just thinking about the millions and billions of people in the past who fought and died for their religion makes me wonder how people can just shun it all nowadays. CALLOUS MUCH.

Anyway, here is my spur of the moment poem (because suddenly I have three hundred points and I have NO idea how that happened but heyhey, points equal YWS FUN!!)

(And also I forgot to mention that another reason to become Godly like me is that churches smell really nice)

I think you could get an even more passionate, personal poem, if you you take what you say in that part of the post and expand on it. 'I've decided I believe in God' is as bold a start as the title of this poem. And then you give your reasons for believing, and not what you hear within ancient copies of things. And then, you do admit that you don't have any proof to believe in God(although, you also don't have any proof not to believe in God), and then you admit that you like it that way! And you give an awesome explanation of that. Now, I can't quite believe in all of the people who fought for their religion, because war is still war--with or without religion, but I do like the question of 'where has all of the passion gone?' Expand on that, without bashing those with other beliefs. Be polite and you'll get more people tolerating your poem. And, you might want to put the spuriousness of the poem into the poem, but it might not fit, all depend on how it fits together. But, you really should add in the last line as a last line, because that is the best part of this post.

Keep in mind that religion is a touchy subject, no matter what religion your talking about. And, it's also a very personal subject, each person essentially has their own beliefs of their own religion. What works for me might not work for you, and what works for you might not work for Snoink and so on. It's very bold to proclaim your opinion, just remember that it is your opinion and things will turn out nicely.

Good luck with your poem!!

- Tatra

Hello!
I thought I'd drop in an lend a hand...or typewriter as the case may be.

First off, props to you for touching on a usually untouched subject. As people have said, reliogion is a touchy subject, but it shouldn't be! It seems as though any opinion, no matter how far fetched, can be voiced, until it comes to God. I could write a poem about terrorism or slitting my wrists, and it probably wouldn't get near the response that you have by mentioning God.

Second, as a Christian myself, I love the things you've said! As DSR said, this is so much more than just straight-backed rules to writing. This is what poetry SHOULD be! An expression of what you feel, no matter what. While I love to read a poem where everything is perfect and fits together like a clock, I'd rather read something like this where the sincerity is undeniable.

Third, I just wanted you to know, despite what some will say, there IS evidence towards God and Jesus. PM me, and I'll be glad to discuss it with you.

Fourth, So far as the poem itself, I'm a lover of punctuation and I noticed that there's a lot missing! I think adding end marks and some other grammatical helpers would really add to what you're saying. Sorry, I'm just OCD like that.

& Fifth and finally: If you want to expand on this, that would be amazing! Honey, go past just "I believe in God". Go to detailing WHY! Tell me what about God makes you believe in him, tell me how He's touched you if at all. Detail is always a good thing!

Good luck to you, and continue to write things that "push buttons" like this.

~ Eden

I'm with Snoink on this one. Your passion for God is plain to see, but you need to find more inventive ways of expressing it. And as Jiggity says, show. don't tell. Use subtler, fresher images and use all the senses. Taking the first stanza, instead of:

"I believe in God
The power that started the Earth
The sun, the moon, the stars
I believe in the supremacy that controls all
Creates all
Brings life then takes it away."

Maybe:

"He has sprayed his vision
across my soul, like invisible graffiti
filled with the tender blue of the sea,
the deep red of the desert,
the gentle touch of a starry night."

Hope this helps.

Gahks

hello, My name is Hayley,

I don't believe in God to a certain extent but I think it is good that you have shown passion in what you believe and that you cannot deny it. And your right, it is ridiculous how people die for their religion and yet people mock these people, it's like blaming someone for dying in what they believe in. Fantastic poem by the way (: ,

Hayley