Assignment for my LA class

So for my Humanities class our teacher is having us write the intro to a Gothic story. Gothic as in "the use of primitive, medieval, wild, or mysterious elements in literature." Some characteristics are like old buildings, deserted places, strange noises, night time, shadows, etc. (If anyone's familiar with "The Fall of the House of Usher" by Poe, this is a good example of Gothic.)
So anyway, we have to write a 300-400 word intro to a Gothic story.
To get full points this is what we need:
-Description is specific, elaborate and detailed; introduction leaves reader wanting more
-Appropriately formal diction is used; all information is connected to the main point of the story
-Logically sequenced; consistent point of view; effective use of transitional words
-Lively and effective style; carefully polished and proofread; presentation enhances communication
I really want full points for this so please give me any suggestions you may have. You can be as brutal as you want!

The sun was starting to set. I now felt safe enough to try to enter the old house. The hill on which it stood loomed before me, the towering, leafless trees cast shadows across the lawn making me feel as if I were being watched.

The woods surrounding the hill provided little comfort. The trees towered above me at almost triple my height. I slowly started toward the house. Every couple of steps I felt the need to look around. Someone was watching me, I could feel it.

As the sun set lower on the horizon I felt the air pick up, the violent breeze left goose bumps on my skin. The hairs on the back of my neck rose in fear and anticipation of what was to come. Several minutes went by before I got up the courage to move on.

The enormous hill now stood directly in front of me, my final destination lay somewhere beyond it. My safe cover of trees was now gone. There was nothing to hide behind as I slowly made my way up the hill.

I couldn’t help but to glance behind me every couple of feet. I tried to reassure myself that no one was there even though the shadows made it appear as if eyes were lurking beyond the trees. I willed myself to keep walking. The house was almost in sight, I began to see the tall, pointed rooftop.

A few more feet and I would be at the top. A twig snapped under me and I froze. My ears strained to hear any coming danger, an owl hooted in the distance but I was too afraid to turn and see where it was coming from. It became so silent the only thing I could hear was the thumping of my own heart. I slowly crawled up the rest of the hill, looking around after every move I made.

The sparse cover of trees had returned. I darted from tree to tree, following the earthy path that led to the house. After what seemed like hours I looked up at the mansion in front of me. It was easily four stories. A porch wrapped around the entire first floor and large towers on each of the four corners rose at least a story above the main house. The windows were huge, but scattered randomly around. The wood paneling was falling off in some areas and looked old and worn in others; it had faded to a cold, steel gray. Around the perimeter of the house were dead bushes and flowers. Chills ran up my spine as I thought about what I was about to do.

Thanks much everyone!

The hill on which it stood loomed before me, the towering, leafless trees cast shadows across the lawn [s]making me feel as if I were being watched.[/s]

Sometimes, throughout this small piece, you overwrite sentences; put one too many words in. It makes for awkward reading and somewhat halting reading. I think, too, that before the story has even begun, its cliche.

Gothic - its more than empty, haunted-seeming houses. It's more than ghosts and darkness and creepy situations. It's more than architecture. It's a style of writing - you've attempted the story but for me, you haven't grasped the style, or achieved the sense of atmosphere. It's well written I think and you should do well, but for me the essence of the gothic isn't present.

I couldn’t help but [s]to[/s] glance behind me every couple of feet.

little things like extra, unnecessary words, should be watched.

Hope this helped,
Cheers

Hey. You did a pretty good job with the descriptions in this. Sometimes you descend into telling instead of showing, but overall it's a good piece. Just a few things of note:

The trees towered above me at almost triple my height.

I think this seems a little odd. It's good that you describe the trees towering, but do we really need an exact account of how much taller than you they are? You could add some personification here instead, which may add some suspense if you do it well.

I slowly started toward the house.

There was nothing to hide behind as I slowly made my way up the hill.

Repetition of "slowly." The repetition isn't good in the first place, but the fact that it's an adverb that you've repeated is even worse. Try to cut down on all adverbs. They're the sign of an amateur writer in most cases, and don't add much to the story anyway. If your description has been good enough so far, we should be able to tell how they would do things.

Several minutes went by before I got up the courage to move on.

This is one of the things Jig mentioned, I think. "Up" doesn't really add anything. When you have a piece this short, every word needs to serve some purpose. If it doesn't, get rid of it.

My ears strained to hear any coming danger, an owl hooted in the distance but I was too afraid to turn and see where it was coming from.

This sentence jars. It goes for a long time. Cut it into a couple, or shorten it. There are a few points where you could do this.

I slowly crawled up the rest of the hill, looking around after every move I made.

Another "slowly." >.<

Chills ran up my spine as I thought about what I was about to do.

Repetition of "about."

Anyway, it was a good story. It does seem as if it should be longer, though. Too bad you have a word count requirement. Nice job. Remeber to go through and check for unnecessary adverbs, though.

-Mat

All in all, the story is good but i kept wondering on why the main character is going to the house. You made good description on telling the events before he came there but i still do not get the reason.

The first aprt fo the story was a little confusing especcialy the second sentence of the first paragraph especcialy the line

The hill on which it stood loomed before me, the towering, leafless trees cast shadows across the lawn making me feel as if I were being watched.

The other parts of the story has good description but i felt that tehre is no mood in the story. The ending is also okay but it would be better if you would add on what is going inside the character's mind. That would give a little suspense like suspecting that there is a stalker and at the samne time cancelling that idea.

tnme22 wrote:
The sun was starting to set. I now felt safe enough to try to enter the old house. The hill on which it stood loomed before me, the towering, leafless trees cast shadows across the lawn making me feel as if I were being watched.
I think your use of words here is a little too choppy. Even though the last sentence is a long one, it's still read in a short, choppy form. I like your descriptions, but I think you could get it to flow better.

The woods surrounding the hill provided little comfort. The trees towered above me at almost triple my height. You're starting a new idea here, so I'd make it a new paragraph. I slowly started toward the house. Every couple of steps I felt the need to look around. Someone was watching me, I could feel it.

As the sun set lower on the horizon I felt the air pick up, the violent breeze left goose bumps on my skin. I think it would sound better as, "The air picked up, a violent breeze that left goosebumps on my unprotected skin." Or something along the lines of that. The hairs on the back of my neck rose in fear and anticipation of what was to come. Several minutes went by before I got up the courage to move on.

The enormous hill now stood directly in front of me, my final destination lay somewhere beyond it. My safe cover of trees was now gone. There was nothing to hide behind as I slowly made my way up the hill. Maybe instead of "up the hill" you could put "towards the house" just to make it sound less repetitive.

I couldn’t help but to glance behind me every couple of feet. I tried to reassure myself that no one was there even though the shadows made it appear as if eyes were lurking beyond the trees. I willed myself to keep walking. The house was almost in sight, I began to see the tall, pointed rooftop.

A few more feet and I would be at the top. A twig snapped under me and I froze. My ears strained to hear any coming danger, an owl hooted in the distance but I was too afraid to turn and see where it was coming from. I think "came from" sounds a little better here. It became so silent the only thing I could hear was the thumping of my own heart. I slowly crawled up the rest of the hill, looking around after every move I made.

The sparse cover of trees had returned. I darted from tree to tree, following the earthy path that led to the house. The repetition of the word tree here makes it sound kinda mediocre. I'm sure you can mix it up a bit. After what seemed like hours, I looked up at the mansion in front of me. It was easily four stories. A porch wrapped around the entire first floor and large towers on each of the four corners rose at least a story above the main house. The windows were huge, but scattered randomly around. The wood paneling was falling off in some areas and looked old and worn in others; it had faded to a cold, steel gray. Around the perimeter of the house were dead bushes and flowers. Chills ran up my spine as I thought about what I was about to do.

Thanks much everyone!

I really liked this story. You have lots of nice descriptions that make it interesting. You better get an A.
Hope I helped. :]
-jade.