Prologue of my story

Prologue (edited)

The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. (Get this typo away) [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang. (weren't they after Fang all the time? Did the humans just form out of thin air? Choice of words should be changed.)
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

Edit: This isn't how I really ended the prologue. I just haven't finished it, ha. I have posted Chapter 1 somewhere...agh, I'm too lazy to find the URL.

Your lazy, wow... are you too lazy to poke the penguin?


Good work! I liked it, I normally hate (No offence to werewolf lover.) werewolf stories (or vampire.) But I liked this one. This is the second werewolf/vampire story that I thought to be good, ever (Though I don't read them very much.)


Keep up the good work.

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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Great prologue! The prologue reveals the story very interesting from the very beginning. i would write more about the story but i have nothing else to say because it has already been said by everyone else written to this story... well thats the pain of being the last xD keep the story coming very good work

There were so many critiques( you must be loved Haruno!) that I apologize for any repeat critiques. I am not fabulous when it comes to catching grammatical errors, but I'll try to touch on the flow of the piece. I'll do as much as I can, it isn't to long, should be able to work through the whole thing, though I don't think it's needed, it appears everthing has been touched on!


>>>The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.>>>

I think that this is a pretty good way to start out, but I would nix the word "surrounding" before trees. It clutters what you already have. I am feeling the same way with the word "
suddenly" before split. It just reads a little awkard. All in all though, this is a good opening paragraph.


>>>Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?>>>

Also nicely written, but I was caught of guard for a moment after 'humans" you might try 'human flesh' or ''human blood''. Also you keep to third person until the last line. Maybe if you added an "he asked himself" or something of that nature.

>>>He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.>>>

You paint a good picture, but instead of using Fangs name twice , you could say maybe 'his brother', so nothing gets to repetitive.

>>>Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...>>>

You could start out with "Noticing the humans garments, chills raced up Banes spine" So the sentance doesnt begin with his name as often.


All in all, this is a catching prologue. I peronally love wearwolves, and the intensly personafied voice you give yours is to be admired. We get to see the world from the werewolves view, instead of the Hunters. There is nothing cliche about that!

Haruno Sakura wrote:Oh my god! I'm so nervous about posting this. I have about thirty pages more, but this is just the first part of the prologue.

Prologue (edited)

The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

Edit: This isn't how I really ended the prologue. I just haven't finished it, ha. I have posted Chapter 1 somewhere-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic40663.html

Don't ever be nervous about posting anything. Feel proud.

I must say that this is a very strong prolouge and it leaves me wanted more.

i don't see anything that needs fix by my eye.

Maybe i will read more.

see ya around.

I love all the adjectives you added in here.
This is probably one of the best prologues I've read.
You give a lot of details, but not too much that you give away the story.
You kept me wondering and now I want to read more!

Hey Anti! I'm here, like I said I would be.

Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent.

First up, you don't have to put thought. Just put disgusting. Anyway, we're in his point of view. ^^

He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl

You can take out the direction of the. It kind of killed the sentence. >.>

He began to sprint towards the howl.

Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine.

A chill raced up his spine.

That would be enough since you explain the human garments in the next sentence. ^^


OVERALL: I like the fact that you established the setting quite easily. For some reason, I always forget to describe the surroundings. oO

I think that the name is a little cliche, but I can deal with that. There isn't much to review here, so yeah... ^^"

Hey

I have to admit to not reading the critiques you've gotten so far as my dad wants to use the computer in ten minutes, so sorry if I repeat anything that's been mentioned before ...

The summer night was hauntingly still.

I really like this; "hauntingly still" sounds really nice.

Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees.

This sentence is fine, technically, but for some reason it feels awkward to me. :s 'Covering' doesn't quite sound right ... I think the prose would be more, I don't know, colourful if you used a less common word. For example, "nothing moved, not even the leaves that sheathed the surrounding trees."
... Okay, so that sounds funny, but still. >.>

A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.

Mmm ... not sure how I feel about this. I get what you're trying to say, but you use a lot of different imagery and it gets kind of jumbled and confusing. It would sound much neater as just "suddenly, a thin, mournful howl pierced the silence like an arrow".

Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air.

These two sentences are kind of abrupt; while they are important to the storyline, when put together like that they seem choppy and awkward to read. To make it less so, maybe you could try linking them by an event - such as, he identifies the howl and then raises his muzzle to see what his brother is up to.

[i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent.

Little mistake there with the italics Also, I don't think "when he caught the scent" is strictly necessary as we already know he's caught he scent; you've mentioned it already and it just seems redundant here.

Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.

The double-use of Fang here it weird to read ... I think you can fix this by changing it around a little; for example "Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split-second later, it was followed by a group of humans carrying torches."

Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine.

Apostrophe after "humans": humans' garments.

The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts.

Switch around the bold words for a better flow: "the men were garbed completely in black". Also, this is really a matter of personal preference but I think that to make it sound crisper and stick with the other formal words used in this phrase (emblazoned, garbed) you could change 'except' to 'save for'.

They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

A little voice in the back of my head is telling me you should change the period after 'hunters' into a semi-colon ...

--> In general, I find this intruiging. I'd like to know what happens next but I think this is just the bare bones of a story; it's like ... a skeleton in nice clothing. xD It has lovely descriptions (the clothing) but no real flesh; it's rather lacking in character development but that's hardly surprising since it's so short. I think, though, that you could fill us in a little on Bane's character (great name, by the way - I have a story with a wolf called Bane too ). For example, was he annoyed at leaving his freshly caught deer, or does he often have to make sacrifices for his brother?

... Urgh, my dad's yelling at me now. -_- Let me know if you make changes to this and/or post more of this; it's a good start!

Cheers,
- Camille.<3

Thanks a ton, Camille (can I call you that?) and Kara!

This is the prologue I wrote when I was eleven. xD

After several months of procrastination, I'm actually writing the novel. Well, re-writing (long story)

Thanks again!