Prologue of my story

Oh my god! I'm so nervous about posting this. I have about thirty pages more, but this is just the first part of the prologue.

Prologue (edited)

The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

Edit: This isn't how I really ended the prologue. I just haven't finished it, ha. I have posted Chapter 1 somewhere-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic40663.html

Hey, I found something short. Ha, I love short.

The still summer night was silent.

Make up your mind here. Option 1: “The summer nice was still.” Or option 2: “The summer night was silent.” But not both. It’s too many words describing the night in such a small sentence.

Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the many trees.

Nix the word “many.” It sounds…strange.

A thin mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the scilence like and arrow.

First, I don’t think “scilence” is a word. I’m assuming you meant “silence.” Also, I don’t think the word “suddenly” is really necessary. Again, it’s just too much.

Bane recognized the howl as his brother's at once.

This just reads funny. Why not try: “Bane recognized his brother’s howl at once.”


I didn’t find any other problems with this. It’s a good opening but could probably use more depth. Give Bane a little more action prior to hearing Fang’s call. Let us see Bane on the hunt. It would be a grand opportunity for some action.

Haruno Sakura wrote:Prologue

The still summer night was silent. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the many trees. A thin mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the scilence like and arrow.
Bane recognized the howl as his brother's at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. Disgusting, thought Bane when he sensed the aroma. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were garbed in nearly all black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

Don't be nervous. Although some people would rip others to shreds, mostly people give critism that helps!
First off, way too short. I know you have more, you should've posted it!
First line, too many s's. How about the summer nigth was still. Still and silent mean the same thing really.
Remove many from the next line. Take out the suddenly in the next setence, doesn't need it. Couple typos too: piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognised his brother's howl at once. (sounds less clunky)
Disgusting in quoation marks, please.

Apart from that, good. Just remember not to use too many similies and make it longer. Good luck!

Hey! This was really good! I can't wait to see what you have to write. Don't be nervous about posting something! It was absolutely fantastic.

The only problem I saw was this

[/quote]The smell of humans drifted through the air. Disgusting, thought Bane when he sensed the aroma. [quote]

An aroma is something that smells good. You might want to use a different word here. It is very confusing.

But I absolutely want to read more! I love anything about werewolves. Please feel brave and post thos 30 pages worth of reading! =]

Becca

Oh my god! I'm so nervous about posting this. I have about thirty pages more, but this is just the first part of the prologue.

Lol, don't be nervous. It's usually fun to hear what people have to say about your work.

thin mournful howl

Comma after thin.

the scilence like and arrow.

I'm pretty sure this is just something you did on accident. Silence doesn't have a c after the s, and I think you meant to put an instead of and.

when he sensed the aroma.

Try using scent instead of aroma here.

So I think you're onto something. I like a good werewolf story every now and then. If there's anything else you'd like me to review, just PM me.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

Thank you so much.

Do you like this better for a first line:

The summer night was hauntingly still.

Yes, I do like that one better. You should use it.

Hey there Haruno Sakura. You shouldn't be so nervous when posting works on the site. People are trying to help you out to improve your writing abilities. You will not have to tolerate with someone making fun of your work. But if someone does, contact a moderator ASAP. I'll be keeping this short and sweet to get you up and running.

The still summer night was silent.

Omit either "still" or "silent" as they both contribute to the same idea.

Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the many trees.

Be more specific. What is this "nothing"? And can you show more of the setting that this is taking place in? You said that there are many trees so I assume that this is a park?

A thin mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the scilence like and arrow.

Keep your similes in context with the story and what's happening so that it doesn't seem detached from the piece. (i.e: What does arrows have to do with werewolves)? You've also spelt "silence" wrong.

Bane recognized the howl as his brother's at once.

How? Explain.

Disgusting, thought Bane when he sensed the aroma.

Why is it disgusting? Do not generalize, back up what Bane is saying with logical reasons and explanations.

Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision.

The word "spied" doesn't work here. You spy at someone when you are hiding in some place, silently observing someone or something, not when someone's running.

I wish you good luck as you continue this piece.

Andy.

Yes, please don't be nervous. Most people on here do give constructive critisism and would love to help you grow as a writer. So from now on, don't be afraid to post.

The still summer night was silent.

I see that you have a new first line with "haunting" in it, and I must say, I like that one better. Since you have a new line, go ahead and edit this one so people don't repeat themselves when they come to critique

Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the many trees.

This sounds kind of rhyme-y I would maybe reword it to make it less like that. Maybe try: Nothing moved, not even the many jackets of leaves covering the forest oaks. or something like that.

A thin mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the scilence like and arrow.

Two things here. 1) Should be "silence" instead of "scilence" 2) Should be "an" instead of "and"

Bane recognized the howl as his brother's at once.

This is oddly worded. Maybe try: At once, Bane recongized the familiar twang of his brother's howl.

If they caught Fang...

Okay, to comment on your length, yes, it is too short. But above, in the quote that I have, this is a perfect way to keep adding more to this. Why not continue to describe the hunt, the demon hunters, the chase. It would make the reader want to know more about Bane and Fang and all of them, you know?

Hopefully this helped, and keep posting!

Hey, I really want to read the rest! PLEASE post. And don't be afraid to post. Comments are ment to better the writer. And when there is comments, there are people who still belioeve in you. So keep writing! I still believe in you, and I know that evryone else here at YWS does, too! And I'm NOT pep talking. I really mean it! I'm sure others do to!

Disgusting, thought Bane when he sensed the scent.

Disgusting needs quotation marks or italics to differ it as a thought and not narration.
"Sensed the scent" sounds awkward. You can't exactly sense smell. Try something like "when he caught the scent..."

Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang

"spied" to spotted. Spied sounds more gentle and lazier. He is actually searching for his brother, so spotted adds the element of finding him at last.

The men were garbed in nearly all black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts.

I like how you put that sentence together! It effectively paints the picture without sounding too wordy.
Except "in nearly all black", which is too confusing and stops the flow. Either they could be covered completely in black, or mostly in black. Try "the men were garbed completely in black, except..." Since you are using the "except" you can stick with just one description and then go on to qualify.

Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine.

change "humans" to "humans' "
the more conventional way would be to say "raced down his spine" even change "raced" to "ran". I personally find that more fluent.

Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...

The ellipses don't really work for me. It leaves the thought unfinished which is something that doesn't work as a good last sentence. You want something more powerful, more of a page turner.

Overall, I think it is too short to work as an effective prologue. It should be able to hook the reader to the rest of your story. Make it as intense as possible. You want to make the best first impression.

Your character's voice is very developed and clear. The "disgusting" and question "what has he gotten..." give him a distinguished personality.

Use of metaphors and similies is lovely, keep it up =).

I think that it was great. You should post more. In my opinion you catch the readers eye with this.

You shouldn't be scared to post anything it great way for you too see what other think of your work. Whatever anyone post it is to help you become better. So keep posting.

I think that it was great. You should post more. In my opinion you catch the readers eye with this.

You shouldn't be scared to post anything it great way for you too see what other think of your work. Whatever anyone post it is to help you become better. So keep posting.

Haruno Sakura wrote:Oh my god! I'm so nervous about posting this. I have about thirty pages more, but this is just the first part of the prologue.

(Never fear, we're here to help. We don't have sharp teeth, so consider our bites... uh... friendly instead of evil ^&^)

Prologue (edited)
(Now, you've edited this, but I am going to edit it even more, just to suggest some fixes, mmkay?)


The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.(This came a little suddenly. You need to describe the night a little more.)
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. Disgusting, thought Bane when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang... (I like the content here, but the way it's worded makes it a bit difficult to read, so I re-wrote it below. Forgive me if I wrecked it )


The summer night was hauntingly still. Not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees moved. The sky was a black canvas with a single star shining besides the pale moon. A mournful howl suddenly broke the silence, piercing the air like an arrow.

Bane recognized the cry as his brother's. He lifted his head from the carcass of his freshly killed deer and sighed. He caught the scent of humans drifting through the air and immediately forgot about his food.
Rising from the ground, he began to sprint in the direction of the sound. He hadn't been running long when he spotted his brother, Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang. They were completely covered in black, save for the silver crest on their shirts. The crest of the royal family.
A shiver ran up Bane's spine. The were demon hunters whose purpose was to kill werewolves. Without another thought, Bane raced after them, dreading what would happen if they caught Fang.

7/10! Keep writing, and PM me when you have more!

oo good, I'm excited to read more! A few things...

Disgusting, thought Bane when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?

I would italics 'disgusting'. Enter twice, italics then type 'what has fang gotten himself into this time?' so that it is:

Disgusting, thought Bane when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed.

What has Fang gotten himself into this time?

That's all i could find, keep writing!!!

~Pandy~ (BECAUSE PANDAS ARE COOL!)