deavo's doors

i'm 11. don't put me don't too much with the critiques;



in the forest, prince deavo of the saeliani fire leaf clan was makeing a plan. he was figuring how to ask princess aliahna of the saibi healing leaf clan to an early dinner tonight.
t'was mid june. the air was heavy and humid. the scent of apple blossoms and herbs from the gardens hung heavy in the air.














sorry gotta cut this short. tell me if i should keep ging or not.

Well, it's a bit short, but it's always good to use capitalization
Also, we have a rule (more of an etiquette kind of thing) that you need to have two reviews before you post anything. Thanks!
You also should spell check first.

mikeri90 wrote:


in the forest, prince deavo of the saeliani fire leaf clan was makeing a plan. he was figuring how to ask princess aliahna of the saibi healing leaf clan to an early dinner tonight.
t'was mid june. the air was heavy and humid. the scent of apple blossoms and herbs from the gardens hung heavy in the air.














.

This should be written: In the forest, Prince Deavo of the Saeliani Fire Leaf Clan was making a plan. He was figuring out how to ask Princess Aliahna of the Saibi Leaf Clan to an early dinner tonight.

T'was mid June. The air was heavy and humid. The scent of apple blossoms and herbs from the gardnes hung havy in the air.


Also:
-T'was? When writing fantasy, a higer level of diction is called for, but "It was" is fine.
-You're scentences are a bit choppy.
I would write the first to like this: I can't believe I'm doing this, thought Prince Deavo as he walked hesitantly toward Princess Aliahna. She stood surrounded by a cluster of giggling girls, but she was the only one Deavo noticed. Aliahna's features were the epitome of feminine beauty. Her long brown hair (or however you want her to look) hung down to her soldiers. She nonchalantly brushed it aside and smiled radiantly.
See? It's more personal and draws the reader in. It gives them more of a discription of what is happening.
-The clan information is a bit long. Try to drop it in later.

Last paragraph has good description!

You should always keep going! If you're enjoying writing it, don't bother too much whether or not other people think it's worthwhile. At the very least you'll get practice. So that's a thumbs up from me, definitely keep going!

Now, with this bit you're going to need to watch your grammar. Use capital letters for names and at the beginning of sentences. It's important. People will take your work more seriously and it will show people that you care about your work and about making it look nice and presentable.

in the forest, prince deavo of the saeliani fire leaf clan was makeing a plan. he was figuring how to ask princess aliahna of the saibi healing leaf clan to an early dinner tonight.

As Haruno Sakura said, you could extend this out. Instead of writing it in a few sentences you could write about how Prince Deavo is feeling when he asks her, record their actual conversation, and so forth. It's an option. However, I quite like it how it is. It's cute. Maybe because it's quite simplistic. I think it works because in the next bit you go on to be descriptive and more detailed, so the whole piece isn't overly simplified.

In the end it's up to you whether you change it like Haruno Sakura suggests, or leave it how it is. Personally I think it's cute how it is.

t'was mid june. the air was heavy and humid. the scent of apple blossoms and herbs from the gardens hung heavy in the air.

The "t'was" really needs to be "It was". But otherwise, as I said before, the description is good. You're using the senses, and different ones than just sight, which makes it more vivd and interesting. For example you have the sense of touch by saying the air is "heavy and humid" and you talk about the sense of smell with the apple blossoms and herbs. Good work.

In conclusion: Definitely keep going! This piece was a little too short to say much about, but overall I got a good impression. Just remember to put in capital letters.