Shadows of Eternity - Chap. 2

So this newest story of mine hasn't gotten too many positive reviews, and I debated on not posting it at all, but I'm hoping that the further the story goes, the more people will like it? I don't know. Thought it was worth a shot. So read and enjoy, hopefully.

Chapter Two

I’ve often caught humans wondering where us teen vampyres go once we graduate from Lugosi. The answer is quite simple: nowhere. Well, in most circumstances.
What the humans have to understand is that vampyres can live a pretty long time. Not forever, but hundreds of years, if you don’t get stabbed or anything. So instead of keeping young vampyres in the schools for only four years—from the time we’re freshman’s to the time we’re seniors—Lugosi invented two more levels, one between freshmen and sophomore and one between sophomore and senior. Oh, there’s no special name for the two new grades; they’re just called second year and fourth year. The others are named, also, according to their status. Vampyres don’t really use the ‘freshmen’ and ‘junior’ titles. Too human.
Yeah, six damn years of high school. As if being a vampyre wasn’t difficult enough. No, they had to make peer pressure last longer and all that growing-up junk just harder to handle.
But once those six years are completed, there are some options. Most of them suck. The newly-adult vampyres are either transferred to another Lugosi somewhere in the world to replace a professor or whatever position is empty, or, as a slim option, have a chip inserted in your wrist so that tabs can be kept on you as you’re released into the world. But in order to be released to do as you please, your conduct in your six years at Lugosi had to be pretty much perfect. Lucky for Brad Pitt and Keira Knightly, otherwise neither of them would have made it to the big-time. Not to mention the countless other vamps in Hollywood.
My chances, however, of having that stupid little chip inserted were, uh, none. This meant that if I didn’t escape the Lugosi I was in, I would probably wind up being stuck there for the rest of my existence.
Most vampyres chose to remain in the whole Lugosi-scene, anyway, because it felt safe. I could understand that, sure. If you’re brainless and enjoy being imprisoned and controlled 24/7.
I kept thinking about it as I made my way to the dorms. Didn’t any of these kids know how they were living? Didn’t they have any aspirations of their own? Not like I did, really, but at least I was independent, right? And I had one plan, for now: Get out of Lugosi.
Mandy’s scent became stronger as I wandered around, looking for the right door. I followed it up a flight of stairs, and discovered the door to my new room at the top. I resisted groaning out loud, seeing that. I didn’t wake up so well when the moon rose, and I could picture myself diving head-first down those stairs. Oh, it wouldn’t kill me or anything, but it would sure hurt.
Mentally shrugging, I turned the doorknob, expecting it to turn easily in my hand. It made a little click as it resisted.
Who locked their doors, here? It’s not like anyone had the guts to steal anything—some vamps were gifted with foresight, and others were psychic, so the chances of getting away with something like that were slim.
I was not in the mood to do this. Tired and suddenly pissed, I kicked the door open. The frame shattered a little bit, but I just slammed the damn thing shut behind me again.
As I turned to survey my new, temporary room, the scent of some kind of perfume hit me full in the face. I crinkled my nose, disgusted. The work of Yolanda, probably. I hadn’t been able to get a scent of her in the courtyard because of the wind, but it seemed like the kind of crap she would wear.
The walls were pale lavender, the floors wooden, and the three desks aligned with the right wall were either cluttered with makeup and papers, neat as a pin, or completely bare. I didn’t need three guesses to know the messy desk was Yolanda’s, the freakishly-neat one was Mandy’s, and the unused one was mine.
The beds were all evenly spaced from each other, feet facing the door, and each one looked like the desks: Hit by a tornado, cleaned by a maid, or just vacant. I was starting to think I’d entered some kind of Goldilocks and the Three Bears thing.
There was a door off to my left that I assumed was the bathroom, but by the looks of Yolanda’s stuff, I didn’t even want to take a look in there.
I plopped down on my bed, closing my eyes as I laid back. My phone had been going off in the courtyard, and I finally pulled it out of my pocket to take a look at it.

Hey, how’s the new school?

A small smile played around my lips. Ryan. I started talking to him when I was somewhere in the Rockies, hunting some climbers. He’d texted me thinking I was some girl named Kelly, and once I’d set him straight the weird kid just kept texting, apparently uncaring that I was a wrong number. He was nice to talk to, especially when I was holed up somewhere during a storm or when I was being hunted. The day before I’d told him I wouldn’t be able to talk for a little bit, because I was being forced to go to a new school. How’s that for telling the truth without telling the actual truth?

I’ll be getting out soon.

Hate it that much already?

You have no idea.

The cell phone was getting limp in my hand, and I realized that my eyes were drooping. Ryan was just going to have to wait some more. I hadn’t slept for almost three days—the Lugosi escorts had been on my tail for several states, and I hadn’t had time to stop and sleep any.
I was just drifting off, barely between that place of awareness and dreams, when the door crashed open, banging against the wall.
“What the hell did you do to our door?”
I was already on my feet and snarling, ready to snatch my knives from their secret hiding spots under my clothes. Yolanda glared at me, unimpressed, but Mandy cowered. Smart girl.
“You couldn’t find one of us and just ask for a key?” Yolanda snapped. For a moment, I had trouble remembering who she was. My mind was full of images of glowing red eyes, claws in the night…
“Hello, new girl?” Yolanda waved a hand in my face. Straightening, my lip curled and I shoved her hand away.
“Shouldn’t have locked the door,” I said as an answer, turning my back to regain my composure. Had to get rid of those damn nightmares…
“Are you kidding? You really think bashing down our freakin’ door is okay just because it was locked?”
“Shut up and have it replaced,” I hissed, whipping around and glaring at the girl. I was satisfied to see her draw back, and there was finally wariness in her sharp brown eyes.
I was still glaring at her when Mandy surprised me by clearing her throat. “Uh, Lindsey? Irta wants you to know that she expects you to show up for classes tomorrow, and that if you don’t…”
“…she’ll be sure to give you consequences you won’t enjoy,” Yolanda finished, apparently recovered from her very, all-too brief silence. “In her words.” She pursed her lips, probably to keep from smiling.
Blinking the last traces of sleep from my eyes, I glanced at the clock on Mandy’s desk. 5:02 a.m. The brats had only let me sleep for a couple hours. “Okay, you were good little girls and gave me the hag’s message. Now beat it.”
“Newsflash, this is our room,” Yolanda snapped. Jeez, what did she have against me, anyway?
“Whatever,” I sighed, and yanked off my jacket, suddenly realizing I’d forgotten to take it off and that it was hot in here. Both of them just kept standing there in the doorway, looking at me. Could have fooled me—they didn’t act like it was their room. Getting tired of the staring and standing, I flopped back on my bed again.
“Y-You’re supposed to go to the cafeteria for your feeding, if you didn’t have any at supper,” Mandy mumbled. “It’s the rules—they don’t want any of us losing control.”
“You always follow the rules, Mandy?”
The small blonde winced, as if my question had actually poked her or something. She opened her mouth to answer, but Yolanda butted in. “I suppose you think you’re big and bad because you don’t. Is that what all you’re escaping and bloodsucking is about? Trying to be a rebel?”
There was a long, tense silence. Down the hall a girl laughed and called out to her friend. I clenched and unclenched my jaw as I got back to my feet, and struggled to keep my fists at my sides.
“I’ve seen things,” I began, voice low and dangerous, barely contained, “that you couldn’t imagine. Been hunted by things that you have no knowledge of. I’ve fought monsters that you wouldn’t last against for thirty seconds. I’ve traveled the globe, killed thousands of people. I’ve been abandoned and betrayed. I’ve been on the run for years, escaped countless times from both this prison and death. Of course the rules don’t mean fuck to me. And if you value your life, I suggest you stay out of my way.”
Mandy, eyes wide and swallowing repeatedly, backed away from me slowly. Yolanda surprised me; though she, too, looked pretty much terrified, didn’t move, and faced me squarely.
“Well, you’re not going to make our lives hell because yours is,” she said. I smiled, and took a step toward her. A flicker of movement below her waist drew my gaze, and I noted the tiny balls of flames she’d conjured in her hands. She was one of the ones with the Element of Fire.
“If I wanted to make your lives hell,” I said, not advancing but not retreating either, “I would. You haven’t seen anything. Like I said, just stay out of my way.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not—”
“Oh, my goodness! Did you guys hear about Shelia and Asher? They totally just broke up in the main courtyard!” A whirlwind of brown appeared next to Mandy.
Yolanda didn’t even blink. “Not now, Gabi,” she said sharply. She was ignored, because the short, slightly-chunky newcomer had noticed me.
“Oh! You must be the infamous Lindsey Cole! Everyone was talking about you at lunch yesterday. And today, too, now that I think about it. Oops, am I interrupting something? Sorry, didn’t mean to barge in… But let me just say, I truly admire you for all that you’ve—”
“I’m going for a walk.”
I brushed roughly past a stuttering little Gabi, gritting my teeth.
“But L-Lindsey,” Mandy finally found her voice again, “the Elders said lights are always supposed to be out by 5:10, and—”
“Didn’t we just discuss my feelings about the rules?” I growled, already halfway down the hall.
“But—”
I was gone, calling Mist and speed to me. It was stupid, really, to waste my energy by summoning my powers for so trivial a reason. But I was temporarily stuck among all these idiots, and after being so long on my own, I wasn’t used to the noise or having other creatures in my life… at least, creatures that didn’t want my flesh for eating or my soul for taking.
Flashes of a fanged smile, sounds of hissing and wind whistling past my ears. I will have you, little Priestess. I shook my head frantically, desperate for the comfort of the pale moonlight. The courtyard. The moon was always brightest in the main courtyard.
The statues were shadowed, the fountain trickling and obscured in the dark when I reached my destination. But there was the round, glowing orb that I’d been looking for, faithfully in the sky as it was every other night. It hadn’t failed me yet. I huddled against a wall, but did not release my hold on Mist. I could hear stirring and commotion not too far away, and I was in no mood to be bothered again.
The moon soothed my hot skin, kissed my closed eyelids. So many times I had sat beneath the moon, and I’d gotten the sensation of butterfly’s wings brushing lightly against my cheek. Briefly, just one of the few times in my short, unhappy life, I felt safe and cared for.
Vampyres praise no certain god; have no prayers or religious services of any kind. Legend has it that vampires were really angels, once part of the army Lucifer gathered to defeat his Father. We are outcasts, betrayers, punished by banishment out of Heaven and doomed to wander among these simple humans, alone in our strengths and weaknesses. The blood of others is our cursed desire, our need. Now we are creatures designed to kill and destroy, to aid Lucifer take over this world when the time comes.
Or so said the Ancients.
Me? I think it’s a sad, pathetic story. Angels? Please. Where were our wings, why didn’t we hear Lucifer’s whispers in our ears? Vampyres were nothing but—in my opinion—genetic mistakes. Somehow, a child in the womb formed differently, wrongly, and the Signs began showing when puberty hit. Simple as that.
Oddly enough, for someone who had seen nightmares come to life and the unbelievable happen, I had always found it hard to believe in a greater power, or that there was more than meets the eye. Imagining that there was something more to the moon was the closest I could ever get in accepting the idea.
“What could she possibly be of any use for?”
Irta emerged from one of the archways, and I mentally cursed. I shouldn’t have missed the sound of her drawing near, and losing focus could mean death in my existence.
A male, a huge male, was at her side. His face was square and plain, his dark hair cropped short, but despite his straightforward appearance I had an impression of layers. Now him, I could believe that there was more than met the eye, because my instincts told me so.
The graceful pair walked slowly, but only because both of them seemed distracted. The giant said something so quietly that even my sensitive ears couldn’t catch it, and I frowned.
Irta scowled, shaking her head. “She’s proven over and over to be reckless and more of a problem than we can handle. Trust me, Curtis—we cannot use the girl.”
Again, I had the feeling that I somehow knew this Irta. But that was impossible; I would have recognized her immediately. I’d never seen her before in my life. Yet her voice sounded so familiar, her angular face so memorable.
“She will learn,” the giant said in his rumbling, gravelly voice.
Were they talking about me? They had to be—Irta wouldn’t have spoken of anyone else with such distaste. Even knowing her for so short a time, I knew that. I’d sensed her hate for me as soon as I had stepped through those gates. I’d chalked it out to the typical anger and resentment for my disregard for the rules… but the way her mouth was set, they way her eyes burned when she mentioned me, it didn’t seem that way.
“She won’t learn, and I’m not going to waste my time watching her. The humans are looking for her, and I think we should just hand her over to them as we’d originally planned.”
“She’s too valuable.” The giant was looking down into the water fountain, and I watched as he gently lifted something small and limp out, cradling it in his palm. “We teach her our ways, make her listen to our plans and follow them.” Suddenly the thing in his hand that had just been unmoving and silent began jumping and slapping against his skin—a fish?
“Have you heard anything I’ve said? She will not listen.”
Curtis set the fish gently back into the water. “If she will not become one of us willingly, we will speak to Asher.”
Asher… I’d heard that name recently…
Irta stood silent and furious. She turned her back to Curtis and walked a few steps away, and seemed to rethink something, because she whipped around. “When the girl ruins everything and escapes, don’t come running to me. I will not help you find her again.”
Again?
He didn’t even look at her. “Feodor has made more then one special adjustment against Lindsey’s powers, you realize.”
A pang traveled through me at the sound of my name on his tongue. It felt… defiling and dangerous.
Irta finally walked away, laughing quietly. “You don’t know her as I do. She will bring this place nothing but darkness and chaos.”
The courtyard was consumed with calm and soothing once again after she was gone. My palms were a little damp, but I didn’t make a move to wipe them against my jeans; Curtis stood a few feet away, still gazing down into the fountain. His was a presence barely noticeable, but I somehow knew he wasn’t as safe as he seemed.
After another moment, the giant straightened, and glanced quickly around him. I didn’t breathe.
“Soon this will be a place of power,” he whispered, face as expressionless as it had been the entire time. “A sacred alter. And we will be ready.”
Then he, too, walked away, steps as silent as the breeze circling my head, whispering urgently. During my times on the run, I had learned to listen to that little voice. But I didn’t need to know what it was saying now; I already knew.
This Lugosi was different then the other ones I’d been brought to. And I really had to get out.

Hello again!

So this newest story of mine hasn't gotten too many positive reviews, and I debated on not posting it at all, but I'm hoping that the further the story goes, the more people will like it? I don't know. Thought it was worth a shot. So read and enjoy, hopefully.

I'm sorry if my last critique came off as negative. I was aiming for constructive. I didn't mean to discourage you, and I'm glad you decided to keep posting it.

And so here we go again ...

First off, you still info dump a lot. You take a break from the story to drop a massive chunk of information on us. Now, the thing is, under certain circumstances and if you do it well, I'm of the opinion that a writer can info dump without it being a catastrophe. Especially in first person. Especially especially if your main character can be a little witty or sarcastic or give some view that a plain statement of the facts would not. For instance:

But in order to be released to do as you please, your conduct in your six years at Lugosi had to be pretty much perfect. Lucky for Brad Pitt and Keira Knightly, otherwise neither of them would have made it to the big-time. Not to mention the countless other vamps in Hollywood.

That's the sort of little addition that keeps your info dump entertaining. Also your main character makes the odd sacastic comment. Just keeps the personality there.

However ... it's still an info dump. The first mention of anything that is happening here and now is (if I counted correctly) the seventh paragraph. Possibly too slow a start? Especially since you had a fair few info blocks in your first chapter.

I’ve often caught humans wondering where us teen vampyres go once we graduate from Lugosi. The answer is quite simple: nowhere.

Have to say, I like the idea that humans have control of vampyres, rather than the other way around. It's interesting. Although ... would there be enough teaching positions to accomodate almost all the graduating students?

I like your characters. Lindsey annoyed me a bit in the first chapter, but she's growing on me now. I think it's because the in the first chapter the main emotion she showed was hatred of everyone else, just for being everyone else and expresses said hatred in petty namecalling (internal monologue or not). Which isn't unrealistic, given her circumstances and age, but I think it's balanced a lot better in this chapter. She comes across as more insightful and inquiring, and we learn she has a friend (Ryan) who she can be nice too. So that's good.

Also, your characters all seem quite individual. Which is good. And it was good how you balanced Yolanda's automatic hatred of Lindsey with Gabi's (sort of) friendliness (even if she was just sucking up a bit). And I'm looking forward to Mandy's development. She and Lindsey seem to have a lot of opinions on rules to share with each other.

Again, I had the feeling that I somehow knew this Irta. But that was impossible; I would have recognized her immediately. I’d never seen her before in my life. Yet her voice sounded so familiar, her angular face so memorable.

Ok, if you're going for some big plot twist here, be careful. Pointing out loud and often that the character is familiar makes it more obvious. The audience generally focuses on what you let them focus on, here you push their noses into the idea Irta might be another person. If you want the character to remeber them from somewhere, but don't want the audience to linger on it too much, don't repeat. This came up in the first chapter, so if you don't want it to be obvious, try not to repeat it in the very next chapter. And you've dedicated a whole four sentences to Lindsey pondering about it, as well as a few little hints about Irta knowing her and hating her. People aren't going to let that slip by. It's stuck in their minds. Possibly they will forget to wonder about it after a while, but if you do eventually bring out some great revelation about her as a plot twist, people will remember that they thought about themselves, and be less satisfied with the twist (well, I would be).

Of course, that only applies if you're going for a big plot twist.

(yes, I read and watch far too many whodunnits. Possibly it isn't good for me)

“She won’t learn, and I’m not going to waste my time watching her. The humans are looking for her, and I think we should just hand her over to them as we’d originally planned.”

Yay! The murderer issue is dealt with! The humans aren't happy with her at all, and want her captured (I assume to face the consequences of killing thousands of people). The vampyres have a different motive for keeping her safe and normal(ish), and the humans aren't aware they have her. That's good. That pretty much deals with my main problem with your last chapter. It makes more sense now.

Asher… I’d heard that name recently…

This i've just taken a little pet peeve against. I recognised the name without you saying anything, and it feels kind of like you're treating the audience like they're idiots. Fair enough mentioning it, Lindsey would probably notice it after all, but I don't like the whole dot dot dot element. It's like talking to little kids and going "well I don't know where the teddy bear is hiding! Can you find him?". Let her recognise the name, by all means, but be honest and just go "Asher ... I'd heard that name recently. He'd had a fight with his girlfriend in public" (or something more awesome than that).

After another moment, the giant straightened, and glanced quickly around him. I didn’t breathe.
“Soon this will be a place of power,” he whispered, face as expressionless as it had been the entire time. “A sacred alter. And we will be ready.”

Please don't have one of the Mysterious Plotters saying Intriguing things to himself, conveniently within earshot of the Concealed Protagonist. I'm not saying it coudn't happen. But if he's a serious plotter he's probably going to be better at hiding his plotting, which leads me to assume he is not a particularly smart plotter. It makes him a lot less threatening as a plotter. I'm sure most people will agree that plotting works better if you are smart and don't accidentally reveal your plots.

I have to say, I like this chapter more than the first. I think it has a lot to do with Lindsey being less annoying (as I mentioned earlier), and the other girls seeming to have their own characters rather than just the bitchy-girl clique profile. So yeah. Keep going. Don't let the reviews stop you. If you do, the terrorists have already won.

What the humans have to understand is that vampyres can live a pretty long time

You're kidding! No, really? I am shocked. I would not have - indeed, no one could have known that. Note the sarcasm. Elelel mentioned you treating us like idiots; well here you treat both us and humans both, as stupid. I've noticed that when it comes to humans, Lindsey is very narrow minded. A lot of generalisation.

Oh, there’s no special name for the two new grades; they’re just called second year and fourth year.

What's the point of giving us all this information? Elelel - she's sharp, that one - also mentioned that for the opening several chapters its pretty much one big info-dump. It just doesn't seem necessary. (But that's okay for a first draft. In all first drafts, we info-dump a lot, because we don't know everything and its better to write it all out. Just remember to cut it back in the next draft) Also, you made a point of telling us vampires lived for hundreds of years and so what is their schooling solution? To add two more years of schooling? Shouldn't it be a decade or more?

Most vampyres chose to remain in the whole Lugosi-scene, anyway, because it felt safe. I could understand that, sure. If you’re brainless and enjoy being imprisoned and controlled 24/7.

Didn't like the 24/7 remark. Not only because of it being modern slang (and while I realise this may be set in modern times, its set in an alternate world) but also because with numbers, you should spell 'em out. I suggest finding another way to say it.

I was starting to think I’d entered some kind of Goldilocks and the Three Bears thing.

thing? Er, no. That sentence doesn't really make sense.

Hate it that much already?

You have no idea.

Don't know if its just my computer, but those didn't come off in italics as the first text message did. Might want to do it again.

The cell phone was getting limp in my hand, and I realized that my eyes were drooping

How does a cell phone become limp? Is it made out of jelly? XD. Candy phones are cool but I think you meant to say something a long the lines of her hand/grip was becoming limp.

I was already on my feet and snarling, ready to snatch my knives from their secret hiding spots under my clothes.

I find it a little hard to believe she wasn't searched and stripped of weapons. It's a pretty stupid mistake to make. But then, I sorta understand the assumption - what vampire needs a knife anyway?

I’ve seen things,” I began, voice low and dangerous, barely contained, “that you couldn’t imagine. Been hunted by things that you have no knowledge of. I’ve fought monsters that you wouldn’t last against for thirty seconds. I’ve traveled the globe, killed thousands of people. I’ve been abandoned and betrayed. I’ve been on the run for years, escaped countless times from both this prison and death. Of course the rules don’t mean fuck to me. And if you value your life, I suggest you stay out of my way.”

I'm a little torn about this paragraph. I mean, on the one hand its like saying "look at how badass I am and all the killer shit I've done" but on the other hand what kind of badass killer would feel the need to explain themselves to two itty bitty teens? I say torn because I instinctively don't think a real, calm, collected killer would say that but on the other hand, its good because it shows us that Lindsey isn't what she claims. She was, after all, pushed hard enough to explain herself. Personally, I'd just keep "Of course the rules don't mean fuck to me. And if you value your life, I suggest you stay out of my way."

She was one of the ones with the Element of Fire

Well, obviously. I suggest changing 'ones' with 'those' to avoid the repetition.

Please don't have one of the Mysterious Plotters saying Intriguing things to himself, conveniently within earshot of the Concealed Protagonist.

Haha, so true. Listen well.

*

Okay so my overall thoughts on this is that its decently written and characterised, My favourite part of it - for some reason - was Ryan's small addition. Have more of him in the future. You have a lot of intriguing elements in here and I'm enjoying it for the most part.

I agree with Elelel in that you should try to be less obvious with where your going as regards the plot. Otherwise, don't let anyone dissuade you from writing.

Keep on trucking.

Hi again KJ. Before I start, I would like to apologize if I may had seemed harsh yesterday, but I did it because I'm here to help. What's the point of getting positive reviews if they don't provide any help or insight to help improve with your writing?

The newly-adult vampyres are either transferred to another Lugosi somewhere in the world to replace a professor or whatever position is empty, or, as a slim option, have a chip inserted in your wrist so that tabs can be kept on you as you’re released into the world. But in order to be released to do as you please, your conduct in your six years at Lugosi had to be pretty much perfect. Lucky for Brad Pitt and Keira Knightly, otherwise neither of them would have made it to the big-time. Not to mention the countless other vamps in Hollywood.

Good. You are starting to consider social factors in your story. Well done. I did find one flaw in this however. What happens to all the vampyres that do not make it to those roles? Do they continue to stay at school? You see, only some would be able to make it to Lugosi staff positions due to ratio in staffs to students. If they continue to stay at school, then wouldn't it 1) Have negative effects on their Haoura (spiritual, physical, mental and social well-being 2) An effect on social and economical factors? Since vampires can live for hundreds of years, they would be better off in the work force than being locked away studying. I do have suggestion that may help fix this problem: Why not have a giant crypt in every Lugosi where it houses thousands of coffins so that older vampires can lay dormant without having to worry about this? I think it sounds like a good idea to me.

My chances, however, of having that stupid little chip inserted were, uh, none. This meant that if I didn’t escape the Lugosi I was in, I would probably wind up being stuck there for the rest of my existence.

I have the impression that she seems like a rebel, but that crudeness doesn't seem to reflect in the narrator's voice due to your narrator's diction.

I was not in the mood to do this. Tired and suddenly pissed, I kicked the door open.

Make that more evident. I didn't know that she was in a bad mood till I came to this bit.

I was starting to think I’d entered some kind of Goldilocks and the Three Bears thing.

Be careful of your use of allusions (indirect reference to a person or event). Ensure that when you are using an allusion to see if it is linked with your character (since you are using 1st person narration, whatever is written here reflects back to the main character). The reference to Brad Pitt and Keira Knightly I would accept since they are quite well known to the teenage/ young adult age group. But with the Goldilocks allusion, it would had been better suited if the narrator was a child or has some interest in literature.

I hadn’t slept for almost three days—the Lugosi escorts had been on my tail for several states, and I hadn’t had time to stop and sleep any.

Good! That is what I want to see! Now make it integrated with your text more.

“I’ve seen things,” I began, voice low and dangerous, barely contained, “that you couldn’t imagine. Been hunted by things that you have no knowledge of. I’ve fought monsters that you wouldn’t last against for thirty seconds. I’ve traveled the globe, killed thousands of people. I’ve been abandoned and betrayed. I’ve been on the run for years, escaped countless times from both this prison and death. Of course the rules don’t mean fuck to me. And if you value your life, I suggest you stay out of my way.”

Don't tell the audience that through blatant dialogue! Make it more evident in her narrative voice. Right now, her voice seems way too calm and lacks the insight for someone that has commited all these acts. But what you have here is good, salvage it.

Well, you’re not going to make our lives hell because yours is,” she said. I smiled, and took a step toward her. A flicker of movement below her waist drew my gaze, and I noted the tiny balls of flames she’d conjured in her hands. She was one of the ones with the Element of Fire.

“If I wanted to make your lives hell,” I said, not advancing but not retreating either, “I would. You haven’t seen anything. Like I said, just stay out of my way.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not—”

I'm surprised that they were willing to accept her deeds like that.

Vampyres praise no certain god; have no prayers or religious services of any kind. Legend has it that vampires were really angels, once part of the army Lucifer gathered to defeat his Father. We are outcasts, betrayers, punished by banishment out of Heaven and doomed to wander among these simple humans, alone in our strengths and weaknesses. The blood of others is our cursed desire, our need. Now we are creatures designed to kill and destroy, to aid Lucifer take over this world when the time comes.

Or so said the Ancients.

Me? I think it’s a sad, pathetic story. Angels? Please. Where were our wings, why didn’t we hear Lucifer’s whispers in our ears? Vampyres were nothing but—in my opinion—genetic mistakes. Somehow, a child in the womb formed differently, wrongly, and the Signs began showing when puberty hit. Simple as that.

I would like to see this more integrated with the narrator's voice. This would make good characterisation and would allow for more conflict.

Overall impressions:

Having read this part, I now feel like a moron for saying that your idea is ludicrous. I felt as though I've jumped the gun in my previous critique and didn't consider other possibilities. I was too caught up and confined to my ideas as to what a vampire should be. I am truly sorry and I'll do anything to remedy that mistake KJ. With that said, I still think your society needs some further refining. You've already introduced some measures to control the vampire's urges, what more can you add? This is one of the ideas that I had while reading this part: Security. Maybe have human police (military personnel?) or priests guard various points throughout the city and/or work at the Lugosis to ensure the vampires are in control. You might also want to consider political factors too. My point is to have more of these measures to ensure that the vampyre-related murder rates are kept at a minimum and so that a possible society can exist between humans and vampires.

Jiggity has already mentioned one of the issues that I had with the narrator's voice. Here, I'm going to talk a bit more about it. I think that given the narrator's past, her voice just doesn't carry the burden and guilt of what she has done. She doesn't even go into greater detail as to why she did those acts, she only simply mentions it and then moves on to talk about what she observes/experiences. Also, her diction is too teenage-girl like in my opinion judging from your word choices. I had pictured her to be more hard-boiled and independent but I don't really see that here. Try to show more of that through actions, word choice and interaction with other people. (E.g: If she has really did what she did, then I would imagine her being shackled on arrival and escorted by guards).

Lastly, I highly suggest that you show more of how Lugosis works in terms of how its run. I think one of the reasons as to why I thought the idea was ludicrous back in my first critique of this novel is that you focused more on the student interactions and teen life rather than the institutionalized side of things. I had to admit that I secretly thought that this was going to go down the route of Twilight (and to a lesser extent, Harry Potter) because of it. It's alright to include teenage interactions in your novel as one of your themes, but I would like to see the bigger picture (i.e: The scope of how your society works and the Lugosis themselves). If you do this, then you will find that your narrator's character will develop further since you are viewing the society that you've created from various aspects.

I hope this critique has helped you. Overall, I enjoyed reading this part and was intrigued by the premise and the fresh ideas that you've brought to the vampire genre. I truly think now that you have something here.

Hence, I hereby promise that I will support you, KJ, and this novel. I am also giving you a gold star as encouragement for you to continue this novel and as a sign of thanks for opening my eyes to new vampire-related ideas.

When you have part 3 up, I'll spend a few hours doing a further analysis on this and see if I can help you out further. It's the summer holidays for me at the moment, so I don't mind being a nerd on the site

Good luck KJ, and I wish you all the best.

Andy.

KJ, I’ve decided to run by this as well, since I did chapter one too

Lucky for Brad Pitt and Keira Knightly, otherwise neither of them would have made it to the big-time. Not to mention the countless other vamps in Hollywood.

This reminds me too much of the Marked series with the vampire school and such. I would change or tweak it to make it your own unique idea.

Straightening, my lip curled and I shoved her hand away.

Oddly worded. Maybe try: Straightening, my lip curling, I shoved her hand away.

The courtyard was consumed with calm and soothing once again after she was gone.

I don’t like the wording here. Maybe try: The courtyard relaxed back into that of calmness after she left or maybe not because my suggestion is still a little rough. I know you can come up with something better than that

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, this was so much better than the previous chapter. Now, I don’t mean that rudely, but seriously, this is what I was expecting when I read your work. Suspense that cuts me to the core; characters that seem so lifelike that I could reach out and touch them; a world that is amazingly real. Try to incorporate all that you have given the reader her and apply it to the previous chapter. Once you do that, you’ll be just fine

Good addition, Kels!

Wow. This is so much better than the first chapter. ...Not that the first chapter was bad or anything... I think it may be because you don't have the info dump and also everything is tense and awesome. :]

Well, yeah ... the review.

Nitpicks:

If you’re brainless and enjoy being imprisoned and controlled 24/7.

Not totally loving the 24/7. Mostly because I'm used to nagging about numbers being written out, and I'm getting a twitch. Ha ha. Try how it looks written out. I think it looks alright.

The walls were pale lavender, the floors wooden, and the three desks aligned with the right wall were either cluttered with makeup and papers, neat as a pin, or completely bare. I didn’t need three guesses to know the messy desk was Yolanda’s, the freakishly-neat one was Mandy’s, and the unused one was mine.
The beds were all evenly spaced from each other, feet facing the door, and each one looked like the desks: Hit by a tornado, cleaned by a maid, or just vacant. I was starting to think I’d entered some kind of Goldilocks and the Three Bears thing.

Great way of showing their personalities via their belongings. And I particularly liked your last line. Although I'm not liking the "thing" at the end. Maybe replace it with "story" or something. |:

I’ll be getting out soon.

Hate it that much already?

You have no idea.

Just found it funny. :]

The cell phone was getting limp in my hand

Eh? *startled look* I thought phones stayed solid pretty much all of the time. O.o Was it her hand going limp?

and I hadn’t had time to stop and sleep any.

Quite confusing. I don't get why the "any" is tuck there.

barely between that place of awareness and dreams

Okay. Are you going for "barely in that place of between awareness and dreams"? Cause if you read carefully you'll see this doesn't make all too much sense.

Straightening, my lip curled and I shoved her hand away.

Yeah, wha..?
Um... My lip curled as I straightened and shoved her hand away. Any better?

...recovered from her very, all-too brief silence.

I'd scrap the comma.

“Newsflash, this is our room,” Yolanda snapped.

Just liked this part too.

“I’ve seen things,” I began, voice low and dangerous, barely contained, “that you couldn’t imagine. Been hunted by things that you have no knowledge of. I’ve fought monsters that you wouldn’t last against for thirty seconds. I’ve traveled the globe, killed thousands of people. I’ve been abandoned and betrayed. I’ve been on the run for years, escaped countless times from both this prison and death. Of course the rules don’t mean fuck to me. And if you value your life, I suggest you stay out of my way.”

I also agree with the point that if she's so badass then why would she explain herself to those two?

calling Mist and speed to me.

Why has "mist" got a capital "m" but "speed" doesn't have a capital "s"?

Vampyres praise no certain god; have no prayers or religious services of any kind. Legend has it that vampires were really angels, once part of the army Lucifer gathered to defeat his Father. We are outcasts, betrayers, punished by banishment out of Heaven and doomed to wander among these simple humans, alone in our strengths and weaknesses. The blood of others is our cursed desire, our need. Now we are creatures designed to kill and destroy, to aid Lucifer take over this world when the time comes.
Or so said the Ancients.

This is amazing. I can't tell you enough. I love stories where it's not just about the monster, but where they came from. It makes it so much more realistic to me. Very good. It's great how it's not too long, but not too short, you know? And the "or so said the Ancients" brings us back to the present with a wonderful thud. Great stuff.

Where were our wings, why didn’t we hear Lucifer’s whispers in our ears?

I'd turn these into two separate questions. ^^

Asher… I’d heard that name recently…

The dude who'd broken up with the girl in the courtyard ... which Bouncy Brown-hair was squealing about? O.o Yeah, I also agree it'd sound better without the ellipsis.

This Lugosi was different then the other ones I’d been brought to. And I really had to get out.

Good end to the chapter.

Mystery:
I love the mystery in this piece! It's just right. Although there are a few points where it's a little over the top...

“Soon this will be a place of power,” he whispered, face as expressionless as it had been the entire time. “A sacred alter. And we will be ready.”

Like, yeah, great. My thoughts:

Spoiler

The Lucifer's army thing is true and he's going to somehow try and get it together, but is stopped by Lindsey and people. O.o

Just my guess. I'm sure there are plenty of twists you'll be adding in. Although what he says is a little ... dramatic.
Other times you just hit it right on the nail.

“When the girl ruins everything and escapes, don’t come running to me. I will not help you find her again.”
Again?

Perfect! Not too much attention drawn to it, and not too little that the reader will immediately forget.
And...

“Feodor has made more then one special adjustment against Lindsey’s powers, you realize.”

Oooh. What? This is also great.
Don't forget about Elsie! I'm dying to find out what happened to her!

Humour:
The conversation between Lindsey, Mandy, and Yolanda was brilliant. Very witty and funny. Well, Yolanda's outrage and Lindsey's indifference was probably what made me laugh... Also, I do love her sarcastic voice through this. It's great!

Overall:
Ha ha. Well, what can I say? If all the chapters are like this (or better) then you've got an amazing story on your hands. Continue! That's an order... lol. Seriously, I'm really starting to get dragged in. If you don't finish it and say what's happened (the mystery stuff) then I'll die. Continue!

~EmmaJane

Thanks for the review, EmmaJane. A lot of good pointers. You're awesome!