past ( working on the title)

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This will be a mystery soon but for now it's realistic fiction. I know that there are probably lots of typos I'm informing you I typed this pretty fast, but please point them out if you see them. I hope you enjoy!
~peanut~





“Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Fragments, Blah!” Jessamine Locke sighed as her English teacher droned on, the words slipping through her ears. In one ear, out the other.
Caught in her fantasy world the real world blurred around her. She jumped as she was tapped on her shoulder. As she turned around, a note flew through the air from behind her. She laughed as she read it: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Tiffany laughed as Jessamine passed it back. “Tiff your so random!” it now said at the bottom. As they giggled quietly, but quickly stopped as the room went silent.
“ Alec!” They could hear Amanda whisper harshly, “ If you don’t stop right now I am going to slap you across your face!” Alec laughed at her threat, knowing she wouldn’t carry it out. “I’m gonna hit you so hard your going to fly over the border then get kicked out of Canada…” She threatened.
“ Amanda, that’s enough.” Mr. Maguire cut in.
Alec sat back laughing at Amanda, as she crossed her arms, a frown forming on her pale pink lips.
Slamming lockers banged out in the hallway, signaling the end of class. Next class: lunch. 4th period lunch to be exact, oh joy!
“Grab my flute, Jess!” Tiffany yelled through the stream of people, her voice just barely audible among the hundreds of other voices. Oh, yes Tiff, I’d love to get you stupid flute! Jess thought as she shoved Eli out from in front of her locker.
“Hey…” he started as he looked toward the person who pushed him. He found Jessamine smiling up at him from her crouched position. Oh, how she loved her death trap! Flute, check. Hot guy…check. Social Studies book, not check. Jessamine thought as she put the lock back on her locker, who cares if I’m late!
“Jess,” Eli said, “ we’re gonna be late.” Jessamine rolled her eyes and sighed as Eli lead the way up to Ms. Stuart’s room. The blue door of the literature room was closed when they reached the end of the hallway. Great, Jessamine thought looking to Eli for a good excuse. Eli just smiled down at her and winked as his hand reached for the brass doorknob. With his other hand he knocked on the wood of the door’s frame.
“Enter,” Ms. Stuart’s voice rang. The high-pitched sweetness made Jessamine cringe. When the door opened every person in the room turned to look at them,their eyes following them as they crossed the speckled floor. Ms. Stuart stood behind her podium, her long fingernails impatiently tapping on the oak.
“Miss Locke, Mr. Gray, why are you both late to my class?” she said. Some one in the back of the room snickered as she emphasized the word both.
"Um…I was…um." Jessamine stuttered, the class behind them eagerly waited for her excuse. Hoping for a new one. Locker trouble, she thought, no Mason uses that one practically everyday. Unable to think of an excuse, she silently prayed that Eli had thought of one.
" She was with me," Eli said interrupting Jessamine's silent plea, "helping Mrs. Jones." Eli smiled and looked from Jess to Ms. Stuart. " I can get a note, if you'd like." He added politely. Still smiling as the annoyed teacher soaked up the lie.
"OK, tell you what, since you two were with Mrs. Jones you may have a seat. But I'm going to ask her during lunch about this." Ms. Stuart warned, motioning for them to take their seats.
When Jessamine sat down a note greeted her, looking up at her on the dark wood. Don't worry I've got it covered, Eli. She read. Jessamine sighed and looked up at the clock. 12:45, lunchtime. As she looked up so did her classmates, all eager to go to lunch.
"Let's go to lunch." Ms. Stuart said, everyone jumped toward the door and hurried out the door. Jessamine could see Eli as she and Tiffany walked to the end of the line, Eli moving toward the front.
Quickly the class raced through the halls. Whispering as they moved, ignoring the requests from Ms. Stuart made about getting in a straight line. Mysterious smells fumed from the cafeteria as they walked closer. As they entered the large room, they broke off into smaller groups. Jessamine grabbed Tiffany's arm and pulled her toward the pizza line, Tiffany complaining the whole way," Come on, Jess, we have pizza everyday!" she whined, making Jessamine pull harder.
The small line for pizza moved quickly and soon the two girls are on the other end of the line. Giggling as they walk, all eyes starring at them. This is why I hate to buy my lunch, every one stares at you! Wonderful. Jessamine thought as they made their way to the table where their friends sat.
Jessamine sat beside Eli, trying to ignore the sounds her friends were making. Tiffany sat across the table from her, making Holli scoot out of the way. As Tiffany sat down she and Holli's chairs collided making Holli move more, Jacob squirming as he tried to move out of Holli's way.
"Hey, Eli, who's your girlfriend? " some one shouted from a few tables away. Eli sighed and put his arm around Jessamine, giving the crowd the show they wanted. Jessamine scowled at Holli and Tiffany as they mimicked the couple. Tiffany putting her arm around Holli as Holli imitated the look Jessamine was giving them. Jacob taking care of the comments Eli's friends were making, repeating them over and over again.
Stay calm, Jess. She told herself, desperately wishing she could slap every one of them.
The groups laughter could be hear half way across the room. Students close to them all turned their heads toward the commotion. Teachers glared in their direction, silently telling them to stop.
A few feet from their table stood the Rubies, coming over so their Head Ruby could flirt with Eli. At the head of the line of girls stood Leah Parker, Head Ruby. Behind her, her robots followed.
"What do you want, Leah?" Tiffany said between bites of pizza, sounding annoyed.
"Not you, obviously." Leah snapped, giving Tiffany her How-Dare-You-I'm- Leah Parker stare. She ran her fingers through her dark black hair, the florescent light making it shine a purple-ish color, before continuing.
"Jessamine, I see you have a new toy." Leah said, Jess's anger beginning to rise." You had better watch him carefully, or some one might steal him." She warned as her hand ran through his bronze hair. At the end of the table her drones were beginning to get restless, all wanting to go have lunch. Leah backed away from Eli and circled the table, walking behind Jacob, glaring at Jessamine as she walked.
Somewhere between Jacob and Holli, Leah tripped. As she fell so did her tray, that was carefully aimed so that it dumped its contents on Tiffany.
Tiffany shrieked as the plate of turkey surprise rained down on her. One of the drones ran to the fallen Ruby, carefully maneuvering around the surprise.
"Are you okay?" The girl asked.
"No," Leah said loud enough for the monitors to hear her," that girl tripped me!" she cried pointing toward Holli. Jessamine snapped in half like a twig, the anger breaking her. " Holli didn't trip her. She's just mad. Poor, rich Leah Parker can't have everything she wants. She tripped on her own." Leah was infuriated.
"How dare you! Accusing me like that." She was quieter now. Her drone looked from Leah to the cafeteria monitor hoping he couldn’t hear her.
"It's true. Jess is telling the truth." Tiffany said loud enough for the monitor to hear, but the argument raged on.
"You have no room to talk," Leah said," you couldn’t have possibly seen anything I was behind you." She said quietly then yelled, " Jessamine Locke is lying!"
By now the monitors were near, coming to break them up, but that didn’t stop Tiffany.
"Bitch," Tiffany mumbled, Jessamine could barely hear her. Before Leah could respond, the monitors pounced.
"Principal, now. Go." Mr. Lee ordered, pointing at the whole group, including Leah.
As they crossed the hall to the office, the two groups separated. Leah and her Ruby in front, the other five following behind them. As they entered the door Leah stopped at the secretary's desk as the other five continued to Mrs. Alen's office. Jessamine could hear Leah whining to the secretary about the incident. When she turned back around Jess could see her flapping her eyelids up and down, fighting back invisible tears. The other girl stood quietly behind her looking toward the floor.
Last edited by peanut19 on Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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Ah, when did you post this? Oh, ten mintues ago. Wasn't funny when someone bumped into Abby at lunch today and her tray got dumped all over her right after you wrote that?
Any way, gold star and I will now start the actual review.

Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Fragments, Blah!” Jessamine Locke sighed as her English teacher droned on, the words slipping through her ears, in one ear, out the other.

Make in one ear, out the other a seperate sentence.

As she turned around comma here a note flew through the air from behind her.


As they giggled quietly the room went silent.

That sentence is weird. Maybe change it to this.
They giggled quietly but was hushed as the room went deathly silent.

Slamming lockers banged out in the hallway signaling the end of class.

Comma after hallway.

“Hey…” he started as he looked toward the person who pushed him Ah, end the sentence here and make the rest another sentence he found Jessamine smiling up at him from her crouched position.


When the door opened every person in the room turned to look at them, following them as they crossed the speckled floor.

They didn't really follow them. Their eyes did though. :D Plus, you didn't put a period after the preposition at the beginning.

“Miss Locke, Mr. Gray, why are you both late to my class?” she said Period here some one in the back of the room snickered as she emphasized the word both.


"Um…I was…um." Jessamine stuttered, the class behind eagerly waited for her excuse hoping for a new one.

Huh? Read that sentence again to yourself, and you will hear that it sounds wrong. Or looks wrong.

Unable to think of an excuse Comma here she silently prayed that Eli had thought of one.


So Leah backed away from Eli and circled the table, walking behind Jacob, glaring at Jessamine as she walked.

Take out the so.

Somewhere between Jacob and Holli Comma! Leah tripped. As she fell Comma so did her tray that was carefully aimed so that it dumped its contents on Tiffany.


Oh, back to the beginning.
Caught in her fantasy world the real world blurring around her.

You changed tenses here. Choose one or the other.

Good job Peanut! I changed my mind. I don't want to be Leah. She's mean. :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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Yes thanks for the review cat. That abby thing was pretty funny!
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Its looking good, although it is a bit confusing with all the charcters introduced so quickly. I would suggest you slow it down some.

Describe the ares and charcaters more. You go from place to place so quickly. If you slow it down it makes it easier.

You seemed to throw all the characters in there so close together, it confused me. I would suggest you introduce the other characters a bit slower, other than that, it seems like it could be a great story.

You say that this is a fiction story? I can't wait for you to introduce that part in.

You did have some grammar mistakes, but I trust you to find those. and you had a few punctuation mistakes but I have trust in you.

Overall, this is looking great and has me wanting to read more. Its not as cliched as the other posts I have read on here, Feel free to PM me if you get more out.

So awesome job (gold star by the way), the best of luck, and keep up that writing.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Thanks Kaylan!
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Hey... language problem!!! I can't believe you! You never said that you would put it in there. But hey, I guess that's high school. Speaking of language, I think you could really use my help in proofreading. Either that, or get Cat to do it. By the way, the same thing that happened to Abby happened to Steven. On Friday, Steven was trying to get through the space between the tables to sit down, and Luke backed into him. His chicken nuggets fell EVERYWHERE!!!!!! It was so hilarious! we laughed about it throughout the whole lunch period! OMG that was funny.
I <3 Macaroni&Cheese!!! :)

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