[deleted]

CastlesInTheSky.

Many happy greetings, and a bow, I don’t think we’ve met. It’s lovely to meet you. Now, now, you say, on to the critique!

Well, there isn’t much, I suppose. I can see where you’ve edited from comments and I approve of the changes made. The story runs slowly, which is good for what you’re writing, although I did find my mind wandering easily. That might just be me; I’m in a terribly wishy washy mood. ^^

I can say that I didn’t like your second line at all. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it stuck out and I think you might want to look at it a little bit and see what you think. I think it’s because I feel it’s not a statement but not a sentence? Word thinks it’s fine, though. So maybe I’m just being silly. xD

Also, in your third line I think you should lose “shape” it’s not necessary. With your current style, for this story at least, the simple statement and tone works well. Adding the extra bit feels like it’s too much, like you’ve started to lead the reader. Trust us a little more, we won’t bite.

“The wall opposite them has cracking magnolia paint breaking off.” < Delete cracking here, I think. The sentence feels really full with it, it’s a mouthful to say and think.

All in all, this is really a little bit of fantastic. You’ve done well with tone and narrative and I love how it’s ended. Keep it up and you’ll definitely get far here. You’ve certainly written something quite lovely here, nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Thanks so much for your help, people!
I won first place, and I couldn't have done it without you.
Thankyou so, so much.

-Sarah

The promised critique!

A Quick Nit-Pick

“I know…but eventually they’ll love us.”

I'd like to see more of a hesitation here. It's also a great opportunity to break the repeating dialogue – through some narrative in there.

Also, I never figured out who 'they' is here. Their grandkids? Kids? Friends?

“You have hated me at some point though, haven’t you?”

Add something there. How did he speak? Did he cut her off, or was it quiet for a moment? We're just going on pure dialogue, but you need to help us out every once in a while.

“Funny old wardrobe that. Never been fixed,” Marge says to George, nodding her head towards it.

That's really odd wording. I mean, I know she's old, but still – it sounds unnatural.

Overall Comments

Wow. That was seriously insanely good. Like… you nearly had me crying. You had me ignoring my texts. You had my chest closed up. You had me yelling at George not to die, not yet.

Only two real complaints. First, the part about the drinks. It just sounds very… tennis-y, and it just sets you up for failure, you know? People don't like the short paragraph after short paragraph thing, so cut it when it's not needed.

Second, the first paragraph. I actually rather hate it? It made me not want to read this piece, and was just confusing. It seemed like you couldn't think of a way to start, so you used this. Fix it up a bit.

Other than that, just look over your grammar. This was amazing – please, feel free to drop by my critique thread any time. If the rest of your works anything like this I'll look forward to reading it, and can hopefully be a bit more helpful.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

You didn't write this either did you? http://www.abctales.com/story/niciwest/dust-ages <--- they did.

Seriously, where is the post?

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.