Helpless

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Helpless

I hated her. From the cheery rhythm for her soprano voice to the sight of her eyes when she looked at him with perfect confidence and happiness, the thought of her tightened my stomach in the twisting fingers of hate and helplessness.

Helplessness. There was the driving force, the cruel frozen hand that twisted my insides into hopeless knots despite my silent pleading.

No, no.

But I was helpless, and that recognition perpetuated the ice inside me, frozen and motionless. There was nothing I could do. Nothing could stop the changes. I was helpless, with nothing familiar to hold on to, and no one to hear me cry.

She had ignited a spark in the glaciers, when she had finally stood in front of me after months of my brother’s descriptions and stories. It was a warmth that almost burned, sharp and acute. But it wasn’t ice; I wasn’t helpless. Hate was a fire, stoked by my desperation for any action. So I forced the blame on her, and let fire and ice battle inside me.

“You okay, Thea?”

There was a teasing bounce in his words as he questioned my uncharacteristic quiet, months now after our first introduction.

No.

“Yeah,” I matched his playful tone.

He couldn’t know. It wasn’t fair, the tiny surviving rational part of me knew, to blame his girlfriend for my own inacceptance. He couldn’t know about my suffering.

And that painful revelation alone gave strength to the battle in my gut. Another monumental change revealed, added to the list. He had moved away from home, to live near his college girlfriend. My parents began to expect independence in my last year of high school, and my friends began to smother me with conformity. College loomed as a threatening uncertainty. And now – gone were the days we knew everything about each other in sibling love. Another change with which I wouldn’t be able to cope. A final change in the overbearing series that had dominated the last years and carved me hollow until I was only the shell of the confidence I displayed.

“Spacing out?” she asked teasingly.

I waited for the eruption of volcanic hate, but nothing happened. All emotion was exhausted, leaving only emptiness in the familiar battlefield.

I knew it was over. Moisture tickled at my eyelids. Acceptance hurt almost as bad as fighting.
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Your story is a bit too intense for my liking, I'm sure it is to somebody's taste, but just not mine. The protagonist seems a bit too over-the-top and rambling about emotions, so the reader doesn't really grasp what's going on, it's all just a jumble of words, in my opinion.
Here are a few parts that I picked out:

I hated her.

Strong start, good :)

From the cheery rhythm for her soprano voice

I think it should be 'of her'.

the thought of her tightened my stomach in the twisting fingers of hate and helplessness.

I think you should get rid of the word 'the' here.

She had ignited a spark in the glaciers,

This is a bit cheesy if you ask me :?

My advice would be to tone down some of the description, it's a bit much, maybe focus more on the events rather than the emotions, this seems more like the author is trying to use the writing as an outlet for their emotions, which is fine, except sometimes it can be a bit dull for the reader when they don't know what's going on. Good luck with it!




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I liked this, though I didn't really understand. Well I guess I did "Thea" (Is that who is narrating?) is really sad, mad, and feels helpless (lol- the title ^_^). You did do very well with all the metiphors; however the reason for 'her ' (It is a girl...right?) being so upset isn't clear for me. I re-read it over and over again, but it still didn't make sense. Was 'she' sad because her parents were expecting too much from her? Or was it over her older brother leaving her? please tell me...


She had ignited a spark in the glaciers,


huh?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! :shock:

That was one of the things I did not get. What does it mean? It just doesn't make much sense to me.



And that painful revelation alone gave strength to the battle in my gut. Another monumental change revealed, added to the list. He had moved away from home, to live near his college girlfriend. My parents began to expect independence in my last year of high school, and my friends began to smother me with conformity. College loomed as a threatening uncertainty. And now – gone were the days we knew everything about each other in sibling love. Another change with which I wouldn’t be able to cope. A final change in the overbearing series that had dominated the last years and carved me hollow until I was only the shell of the confidence I displayed.


I just do not understand why "Thea" feels so bad. Also never start a sentence with "And" it is improper grammer (Or something)




I knew it was over. Moisture tickled at my eyelids. Acceptance hurt almost as bad as fighting.


I really liked this part- a really good ending.


In general I really liked your word use, very colorful ^_^ THough you need to make your point clear for the motive of why Thea is sad.
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I understood this completely. She's mad because her and her brother are no longer close since she has moved off to college and she feels alone and exiled, right?

I do think, though, that your emotions in the beginning confused me until I finally figured out what you were trying to say. I would just tone those down and build up the tension as you go instead of just throwing us in there like you did.

With a little tweaking, I think this will turn out :D
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nickelodeon wrote:I hated her. From the cheery rhythm for her soprano voice to the sight of her eyes when she looked at him with perfect confidence and happiness, the ((. The)) thought of her tightened my stomach in the twisting fingers ((this isn't worded very well, too much description I think)) of hate and helplessness.


nickelodeon wrote:Helplessness. There was the driving force, the cruel frozen hand that twisted my insides into hopeless knots despite my silent pleading.
You've now used "twisting" something to describe how much the MC hates this girl and how helplessness makes her feel. I would say, change one of these.

nickelodeon wrote:But I was helpless, and that recognition perpetuated the ice inside me, frozen and motionless. There was nothing I could do. Nothing could stop the changes. I was helpless, with nothing familiar to hold on to, and no one to hear me cry.

That phrase is to florid. Meaning that it's so colorful and wordy that it becomes almost distracting.
[url]http://www.sfwa.org/writing/chadvce.htm]Number 3 and Number 5[/url]
You're not doing it super bad but just be aware of it. :)

nickelodeon wrote:She had ignited a spark in the glaciers, when she had finally stood in front of me after months of my brother’s descriptions and stories. It was a warmth that almost burned, sharp and acute. But it wasn’t ice; I wasn’t helpless. Hate was a fire, stoked by my desperation for any action. So I forced the blame on her, and let fire and ice battle inside me.

This is crazy poetic. It almost becomes distracting again.

nickelodeon wrote:He couldn’t know. It wasn’t fair, the tiny surviving rational part of me knew, to blame his girlfriend for my own [b]inacceptance ((unacceptability)). He couldn’t know about my suffering.


You use a lot of good descriptions but at times it can get a little too wordy with them.
I don't really feel for the character very well because I know nothing about her or what happened to her. Maybe explain this a little more.
Overall I thought it was pretty good. No real major grammar or spelling errors, the only this is that crazy colorful language. :D

-Carly
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