My notebook

In a flurry of pages
And spaces blank;
Various stages
Of works in ink.


An incomplete story,
Scribbled in haste;
Lines of poetry,
Left to waste.

Unfinished drawings,
And wise mens' quotes;
Fill in the margins,
Of pages I've wrote.

Hey June! I've been longing to critique something of yours for ages, so here goes! (By the way, it's only with excellent pieces of work that I get nit-picky, because there's nothing major to address, so don't be alarmed by my nit-picks - it's just me desperately trying to be helpful )

In a flurry of pages
And spaces blank;
Various stages
Of works in ink.

Now, I think this verse was very well worded, and created a brisk, crisp atmosphere, which I think is the effect you are aiming for. However, you seem to have a rhyming pattern in the rest of this poem which goes, 1,2,1,2. If you get my drift. And so technically-speaking, 'blank' should rhyme with 'ink'. But I understand the word choice is very important so you may want to leave it ike that. Also; I think 'words' might be a better word than 'works', but that's just a personal preference. If 'works' works for you (no pun intended), then go for it!

An incomplete story,
Scribbled in haste;
Lines of poetry,
Left to waste.

Normally rhyming poems seem forced; but you've carried it off very well and it simply adds to the almost hurried, swift atmosphere of this poem.

Unfinished drawings,
And wise mens' quotes;
Fill in the margins,
Of pages I've wrote.

That was an excellent verse to finish off with. It had a final tone to it; it was less rushed than the rest of the poem, almost like the thoughts were slowing down. Furthermore, it seemed almost melancholy, which was a contrast from the more light-hearted feel of the earlier part of the poem.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this - it had a polished feel to it and was a smooth read. You really are good at your poetry, aren't you? XD It was great; really good.

Bye for now.

Sarah
xxx

CastlesInTheSky wrote:
In a flurry of pages
And spaces blank;
Various stages
Of works in ink.

Now, I think this verse was very well worded, and created a brisk, crisp atmosphere, which I think is the effect you are aiming for. However, you seem to have a rhyming pattern in the rest of this poem which goes, 1,2,1,2. If you get my drift. And so technically-speaking, 'blank' should rhyme with 'ink'. But I understand the word choice is very important so you may want to leave it ike that. Also; I think 'words' might be a better word than 'works', but that's just a personal preference. If 'works' works for you (no pun intended), then go for it!

Thank you for the crit Sarah! Very much appreciated . And no, I am horrible at poetry and hate this piece with a passion.

What you pointed out is very true, but when you read it out loud it flows okay-ish, but that really depends on how the words "blank" and "ink" are pronounced. I'd get stuck there trying to find a replacing word that suits the poem .

And also! I see what you mean by the "words" instead of "works", but here i was describing the notebook I was writing in, which has doodles, poems, and lots more scribbled things in it, some finished and some unfinished, hence the "various stages of works in ink."

Mostly because pencils and I don't get along, possibly because they break and are used for math.

June
Thanks again!

I absolutely love this! I think that it is great! Keep writing! Ididn't find anything wrong with it.

You're welcome June.
And that's exactly why I was torn about that rhyming problem - I doubt you could find a better substitute for what you're trying to convey; so I say stick with it.
And remember - if you ever need anything critiqued then ask me; it would be my pleasure.
xxx

I can really relate to what you wrote. I'm always getting all of these ideals in my head of things to write, that most of the time I tend to keep my journal with me. I never know when something I look at will spark my imagination and off I'm writing. I like what you wrote and hope that you can share with me the feeling and situation behind the poem. What motivated you to write it? What were you thinking? How did you feel at that time? What inspired you?

In a flurry of pages

Maybe you change flurry to something else, Blizzard sounds stronger and better here.

And spaces blank;

If the pages are flying around, it sounds odd to just say blank spaces all of a sudden.

Various stages

shouldn't there be a comma after stages? maybe you could say,"Unfinished levels,"

Of works in ink.

This just doesn't sound right to me. maybe you could say, "My works in ink."

An incomplete story,

eh.

Scribbled in haste;

splattered in haste.

Lines of poetry,

Left to waste.



Unfinished drawings,

And wise mens' quotes;

And quotes of wisdom. *Men's*

Fill in the margins,

fill the tattered sides

Of pages I've wrote.

of pages I've forgotton.


Just some suggestions. Throughout the whole thing i sensed something that was missing. on the other hand, i liked the imagery, i kept on picturing a notebook filled with semi-don pages with drawings and scribbles on the side.

This wasn't the best or the worst I've read, it was okay.


---Jon---

I loved that. The whole aspect of filling a notebook is something I can really relate to, so i really liked it.
keep writing!

Hi - I'm really sorry... I'm new here, and so I can offer nothing that a) hasn't already been said or b) is of any use. *laughs* I'm also not very good at critiquing poetry, simply because, well, I can't write it. I'm more a short story girl myself. Anyway, what on earth am I on about? Oh yeah - s'a good poem and I can see you sat at a desk somewhere, scribbling this poem inside it... there's some really beautiful imagery from this. ^_^

Also, I agree - the way you've written it matches the pace of (how we believe) you to be writing this: v. quickly. Nice one. x

oh my gosh I loved that!

It was so beautiful!

I just wanted to point out that:

In the first stanza, your rhyming is ABAB

In the second stanza, it is ABCB

And your third stanza is the same as stanza #2, (ABCB)

I say you just need to work on your rhyming.

Over all, I lived it!

Keep writing!

That was amazing. I loved it. You really spoke from your heart. Your flow excellent, with one rhythm flaw in the last line. You are a very good poet.

sweeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!!

Bonjour.

I love the slant rhyme in the first stanza. It's absolutely genius, and unlike with most slant rhymes, my mind doesn't stutter when I read it.

In the last line, it should be just plain old I instead of I've.

Anyways, I absolutely loved this. Nice, easy, natural rhyme. A little hurried, like you wrote it on a whim. Flawless, and I can totally realte to the whole notebook thing.

Hello

WOW I was very impressed by that poem. I love poems that have the whole rhyming scheme, it impresses me how someone could stick to the theme of the poem and still manage to find words that go with what they are saying if you know what I mean! I enjoyed the whole poem, the ONLY bit I was not too sure about was the part where you rhyme 'blank' with 'ink'... like the person above said.. I was not too sure about that, maybe you could find something a bit better? Besides that, amazing poem! I love what it's about...
Great work!

Simple word,
Amazing.

I love how this poem already is.
And the swiftness of it makes it appear to stop abruptly, I like that.

I actually think that adding to this will help you out.
In is great this way.
But to be honest, I dislike shorter poems.
And this poem has an even better chance at being greater than in all ready is.

I hope you didn't get anything wrong.
Great job, My Friend.

I thought that this was a well worded piece, showing how things do not really go as how you planned them, adn tht you have to live with it. It was an excellent piece of art.