Getting Out

Thanks to Meep:) for telling me what genre to put this in, and thanks to Abs, my friend at school. She helped me with this. Edited once.
Here it goes:
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I stared out into the vast emptiness in front of me as I sat on my bed. My legs were raised to my chest, and my arms were wrapped around them. My mind was in turmoil as I imagined invisible tears rolling down my face. Tears that I couldn’t cry in real life, despite how hard I tried.


I used to be able to cry. I used to be able to cry. I had cried at my Meme’s funeral. I had cried at my Pap’s funeral. Now I couldn’t. Despite any situation, I couldn’t.


I hadn’t been able to since I started dreaming. Not night-time dreams when you are asleep, but during the day types. When you are bored and you let your imagination run free.


I was fine with it at first. My life was still in my control. Then the dreams took over. They started to over-rule my life. They turned it into a miserable hell. I couldn't think of anything else, but these dreams.


I started to dream of other worlds. Those worlds soon became more important than my own. More important than Earth.


Not only did I imagine other people in those worlds, but I imagined myself there. Giving up the life I had here and being there. Putting myself in what I had called a better place.


Then I realized those worlds could never exist. I realized, that no way could it ever happen. Most people would think, “Oh, now this idiot bitch will give it up. Stop dreaming, and start living.” I didn’t.


I tried to dream up things that could possibly happen. Planning out each little detail of how I wanted my future. Or better yet, I created my future and stayed there in my head. It was the only thing I thought of, my perfect life.


I paid some attention to my friends. I helped them, and I gave them advice when they needed it. I mostly behaved to my parents. I still respected adults. But my grades were falling. I wasn’t turning in homework. I didn’t care about the way I looked. All I cared about most was the dreams.


I have never had a boyfriend. I always wanted the “right one”, but I never found him. So I started to imagine one. I never look at any boys in my real life now. I had given up on it.


Damned to this stupid hell, I was. I was tired of it. I’ve been in this mess for over a year, and I have not cried since. This thing that set me back from being the best I could be. I was so damn tired of it. I wanted to live again. But I couldn’t get out. My hell trapped me and held on tight. No one knew. No one would understand. I was stuck and trapped. I wanted out!


I pushed my legs off my bed and stood up. I wobbled slightly, and grabbed a hold of the mattress to keep myself from falling. I carefully walked over to my long mirror. I looked at my reflection. What did I see? I saw a pretty girl with a chest that was to large for her own good. A girl who was smart, kind, and always wanted to help.


But I also saw a girl who had given up on life. A girl who had drawn herself into her own personal hell, that had completely changed and ruined her life. Who cared more about that world than anything else, including herself.


No! I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. I was freakin tired of it! I wanted to get out of this damn world that has over-ruled my life.


I fell onto my knees, screaming silently at myself. I wanted out. I wanted to live like I did before I ruined my life. I repeated this over and over again on my floor. I was tired of it and I was going to stop it.


Tears started to well up in my eyes and they started to fall. I raised my hand, shocked, as they cascaded down my face.


I was crying. Actually crying. I was starting to break away.


I looked up into the mirror and smiled at myself. I was getting out. It was a start, but all the same; I was getting out of this.

Very nice! You captured the feeling of that situation well! The only critisim I noticed that really distracted me was this, you used the word hell way to often. That might be a good word to describe what your trying to say, but maybe try to find a different word that is just as good. Are you planning on adding more to this, or just leaving it as is? It seems sort of done right now.

Rats! I really need to make sure I'm not spelling my words wrong when typeing! Sorry if it confused anyone.

It's a done deal. I am not writing anymore on this (at least, at the moment)

cooldude19967 said:

The onew critisim I noticed that really distracted me was this, you used the word hell way to ofen.

Sorry! I'm not really one for cussing, and I think I tried too hard in this. I wanted to show everyone how bad this world actually was. I might have tried too hard. Oops.

Hey Cat! Your avatar is so cute! =D

I stared out into the vast emptiness in front of me as I sat on my bed. My legs were raised to my chest, and my arms were wrapped around them. My mind was in turmoil as I imaged invisible tears rolling down my face.

Immediately from the beginning you have a lot of telling here, instead of showing. I always hate poking and whining at writers about the writing qualm of showing and telling, but it's best not to tell in your writing, with sentences like you have here, "My was in turmoil as I imagined invisible tears" and "My legs were raised to my chest". There's not much description outside of the narration of "she did this and then she did this". Try to show us, rather, what she's doing, using her emotions, perceptions, senses and words.

In real life, tears that I couldn’t cry, despite how hard I would try.

This sentence is a fragment, or at least awkward. Try: "In real life, they were tears that I couldn't cry, despite how hard I would try".

I was fine with it at first. My life was still in my control. Then the dreams took over. They started to over-rule my life. They turned it into a miserable hell.

How did the make her life a hell? Describe it to us, don't just tell us that it's hell.

Then I realized those worlds could never exist. When I realized, that no way could it ever happen.

How did she realize these worlds could not exist? Also, funny phrasing here: "When I realized this, there was no way it could ever happen" makes more sense.

So I started to image one. I never look at any boys in my real life now. I had given up on it.

Small typo. Imagine.

No! I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. I was freakin tired of it! I wanted to get out of this damn world that has over-ruled my life.

At this point this phrase has grown a little repetitive

First off, you have very, very tiny paragraphs. Paragraphs generally start when a new topic focus begins, or a new description or the like, so it would be much easier to read if you condensed many of your little paragraphs into larger ones. If you did that, perhaps than you could more easily delete sentences that you repeat - as you repeat one phrase over and over again many times. Instead of saying that phrase, trying describing the way in which that phrase is true to the character. For instance, instead of saying "I was tired", say something like "the fatigue pressed down on my eyelids, drew my face tight, and there was nothing I wanted more than sleep or release". See the difference?

Also, try to avoid the telling that you have the habit of doing. I described that at the beginning of this review.

This is a really great concept you have going though! That someone is running away from their own world in favor of imaginary worlds... you should definitely continue to explore this! Try filling out the concept though, explaining why more, and as you explain and detail things out, perhaps new concepts will come to your head to take this story even further!

I gave you a gold star. See? Nice. PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo[url]

I know you've said you weren't going to write anymore on this, but I think you should keep trying to improve this one at least. There are a few things that I picked up on. they may be typos, or they may not.

Everytime that you say imaged, I keep thinking that you mean imagined. this isn't a bad thing though, it's quite good using your own word for the "dreams" but the fact that you've later said that it's all to do with letting you imaginatyion run free, makes it confusing. Even if you said in that paragraph something about the fact that it's no longer the imgination, that it's the eyes created images, or something to say there is a distinct difference, would clear that up.

Then I realized those worlds could never exist. When I realized, that no way could it ever happen.

The second sentance makes no sense. The when should be a then, or it should be completely rephrased.

thing I though of,

thought

I was so damn tired of it. I wanted out of it.

don't repeat the "of it" just put "I wanted out."

But I couldn’t get out. My hell trapped me and held on tight. No one knows. No one would understand. I was stuck and trapped. I wanted out!

you tenses have switched here, sometimes that works, but not in the middle of a paragraph, and not so suddenly. Either make the whole paragraph present tense, or past. Not both. I think that past would be better, because you've made the action past as well.

I wobbled slightly, and grabbed a hold of the mattress to keep me from falling.

change to myself.

I say a pretty girl with a too large for her own good chest.

sya needs to be sazw. I'm not sure what you're talking about here, you've obviously left some of the words out.

personal hell.

when cooldude19967 said that there were too many "hells" I don't think he was talking about the fact it was a swear word. It's more the fact that it's the repitition of this image of personal hell. Try thinking of some other name for this idea, the repetition gets monotonous.

I wanted to live. I wanted to live

get rid of the first one, it's unnecessary.


I may seem like a ruthless nitpick, but I actually quite like the ideas that you've portrayed and the way you've portrayed it. It's only the little things that I'm picking on, the overall effect is good, and well thought out.

CAT!!!
Must you always make me cry? Meow ._.
You seem to have a knack for rather...melancholic things.
*sniff, sob* But then again, I cry a lot. Even when I'm angry XD
But still, I like how you can portray your MC's feelings,
Without me having to think hard to be able to imagine how she feels.
The way you described how she was feeling and thinking was awesome.
I think I shall attempt to write something like this one day (:
Wow. I've got a lot of things on my list to write.
Until then, I shall stick to reading yuor amazing pieces of works!
PM me if you post any new stuff!

Hey cat its peanut! I finally found this one ( the one you didnt let me read at school!) It was good, I liked seeing a different side, since all I've ever read of your's is fantasy. The way your MC is feeling and describing things makes me want to know more, although I have to agree with Cooldude about the "hell" thing. Write more!!!
~peanut~
P.S I hope you like the shiny new star Im about to give you

Hey! So...

I loved your story! You kept the girl real and that made it really believable, i guess.


I wanted to live. I wanted to live

get rid of the first one, it's unnecessary.


Don't get rid of it!!!! I do that kind of thing all the time, in my writing and in my head!!! Keep it!!!!

By the way, loved the way you said she didn't cry, she dreamed. I know that's the whole point of the story, but it's a really good point to a story.

But yeah, you did say hell a little to much. A few times or really scattered you can do, but this was enough to distract me just a little from the actual story. Just a little to change a big thing, you know?

All in all, sweet story. Please check out mine?