The conspiracy prolouge: Poor, Poor Jason.

My first submission in a series I'M starting! Be truthful; don`t hold back! Really people, tell me exactly what you think, cut me into pieces, I can put myself back together!

Ok, here it is.

Jason Smith was reading information that would likely get his picture in missing people . In fact, if anyone found out what he was doing, he would most likely dissapear.

Mr. Smith had just stumbled upon one of the government’s biggest secrets. This meek paragraph would destroy the little trust the public had left in this accursed government. Of course, at the time of discovery, Jason knew nothing about what would happen if the public found out.

Jason did not know that reading the e-mail from a co-worker, (named Emma Jones)would change his life forever. Jason thought it was a joke. He has simply walked into work one morning, and found it peculiar that the sender of the email had gone missing, had sat down, started to type his report, when he got a little bubble with the words “You’ve got mail.” Jason, ignorant, opened the folder and read. He read and laughed. It was preposterous, really. Still….. the sender was missing, and Emma Jones had never really seemed like the joking type.

He left work early, saying he going out to get a coffee. He walked quickly to his car, pausing every few moments to look over his shoulder. He flung his briefcase into the back of his little car, missed three times attempting to put the key into the ignition and nearly backed into an old lady with wispy white hair.

Poor, Mr. Smith had no idea that they have people everywhere.

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Icefire63111 wrote: Jason Smith was reading information that would likely get him a . ((What?))In fact, if anyone found out what he was doing, he would most likely go missing within a few days.

Icefire63111 wrote: Jason did not know that reading the e-mail from a co-worker labeled “Important! Read when no one is around.” Jason thought it was a joke. He has simply walked into work one morning, and found it peculiar that the sender of the email had gone missing, ((. He sat down and started...))had sat down, started to type his report, when he got a little bubble with the words “You’ve got mail.”
Jason, ignorant, opened the folder and read. He read and laughed. It was preposterous, really. Still….. the sender was missing, and Emma Jane had never really seemed like the joking type.

This paragraph is a little disjointed. It skips around a lot. It starts with him seeing the email and thinking it was a joke to before he saw the email and then realizing the sender had gone missing (how did he know this?) and then getting the message.

Icefire63111 wrote:Jason Smith left work early, saying he going out to get a coffee. He walked quickly to his car, pausing every few moments to look over his shoulder. He flung his Briefcase ((briefcase))into the back of his little car, missed three times attempting to put the key into the ignition,((and)) nearly backed into an old lady with wispy white hair. Now, in all due respect, Jason is a great driver but he nearly killed four people on the twenty minute ride to his apartment. ((this sentence could be taken out))

Poor, Mr. Smith had no idea that they are everywhere.

Alright, you've got a good idea here, the overall concept of the story sounds pretty good. In all, I think this was a little rushed. The main consensus of this was Jason read an email that he didn't know would have the effects it did and this is repeated a lot. There weren't any huge spelling or grammatical errors which is good Just some phrasing stuff to clean up
Don't get discouraged though, this sounds like it could be really good!

-Carly