Flashing lights. Noise. Pain, unbelievable pain. Ow ow ow. There was something on my face, but I couldn’t lift my hand to remove it. Ow. Ow ow. It really, really hurt all over.
“SHE’S FAILING!”
Lots of noise. My head hurt. I shut my eyes and hoped it would all stop soon. “Get a defibrillator! Sadie, Sadie, can you hear me?”
Yes. You are being very loud.
But I couldn’t answer because I couldn’t move my mouth.
“Sadie! I need to know if you can hear me!”
But I can’t tell you. Why do you care? Just leave me alone…
“Sadie, I’m a doctor, I’m going to help you, I just need to know if you can hear me- yes, in her arm!” What in my arm? Ow. Oh, that. Ow.
If you are a doctor why do you need me to tell you? Can’t you tell what’s wrong with me? Isn’t that your job?
There was suddenly a loud blaring noise, an alarm, and it exploded inside my head like a hundred alarms, all hurting my ears and piercing through my body making me vibrate like a food processor. Turn it off turn it off please turn it off before the sound blows me apart please please turn it off...
“Shit, shit shit shit- Sadie, stay with us-“
Why? Why would I want to? I could feel the darkness coming up to me, and I let it because I knew that the darkness was how I escaped the pain and the hurt and the agony and the awful feelings of being awake.
**
I was falling, falling further and further, and I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t find my mouth.
Something clasped my hand and I held it tight. It stopped me falling.
**
I couldn’t breathe and I tried to concentrate, in out, in, out, steady keep it going…
And then I remembered that breathing wasn’t something I had wanted to do for a while, and I fell back under still wondering why…
**
“Sadie, I love you…”
A quiet voice in my ear. Maybe it was an angel, or God, or even the Devil. I didn’t really mind, as long as it meant that I was dead, like I wanted to be.
**
I floated above the surface, and tried to open my eyes. They were too heavy. Oh well. I let myself go again, and the darkness took me.
**
Falling falling falling falling falling oh please stop me falling- and there was a grip that held me, and that I held on to, held on to because it was my life-line.
**
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I’m not checking it. I won’t. I can’t do anything. I won’t do anything. They’ve done everything to me already and I can’t take anymore.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
They’ve changed the beep. And they’re sending the messages really regularly. It’s annoying and I hope they stop.
“Is she stable?”
I recognised the voice. Maybe I had finally gone insane. Well, good. I was happier not knowing what was going on around me.
“For the moment, yes. She gave us a right scare, though.”
“How long till she wakes up?”
“I’m afraid we can’t say.”
“She will wake up, though.” It sounded like a question more than a statement.
“We hope so.”
And then I felt a cold touch on my arm and I quickly let the blackness take me again.
**
I woke up.
I could sense that there was space around me. I don’t know how- the air was different, maybe. There was a regular beeping in the background, but this time I knew that it was no Messenger service. What it was, though, I had no idea.
I could feel something on my face, my arms, my hands, but it was a strange sort of thing I was feeling; cold, smooth, long…I didn’t know what it was. But I didn’t want to open my eyes because I didn’t want to know what was going on around me. I didn’t want to see.
The thing lying on top of me was heavy and warm, but it was no duvet. I obviously wasn’t in the hotel room anymore.
I listened hard for clues as to what was going on. Beep, beep, beep, which told me nothing. There was a faint buzz. My own breathing, in, out.
Then a slight, soft scraping noise; someone turning a page. Someone was with me and reading something. I froze. What was going on?
There was a snap, and I jumped; the book had been shut.
“Sadie? Sades, are you awake?”
My eyes opened involuntarily, immediately, because that voice, it couldn’t- was it really-
“Jack?” I breathed.
His face swam in front of me, his mouth open in a huge, wide smile, as he reached down and clasped my hand.
I automatically shrank away- it was my reaction to touch now; anything that could touch me would hurt me- and then regretted it. Jack’s face fell, and his smile disappeared. “I’m sorry, I-“
“Ssh,” I said, and my voice was weak. “Hold my hand again.”
He smiled weakly, and grasped my hand. I could feel myself weaken, and I felt the blackness coming again, but this time I fell asleep smiling.
**
“She woke up, you say?”
“Yeah, and she spoke to me.”
A rustle, a step. “Sadie, can you hear me?”
Yes. Go away. I’m sleeping.
**
I woke up this time to more alarm bells, more rushing, more shouting, and everything hurt more than before; my mind was fuzzy and slow, but I could still hear myself moaning out and screaming and shouting for it to stop and then there was a prick and someone told me everything was okay and that I should just sleep and then I was out.
**
“So she can hear me now?”
“I think so.”
Footsteps. Heavy breathing, breath on my ear.
“Sadie? Sadie, its Jack. I’m here. I love you. It’s all gonna be okay.” A pause. I tried to tell him I loved him too, but I couldn’t- my mind didn’t seem to be connected to my body anymore. “Your mum’s here, and Lynton, and Charlotte, and they’re all going to be here for you when you wake up.”
I’m awake, I tried to say. Just wait a second so I can find my mouth and tell you.
**
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“This isn’t good enough! She’s been out for weeks! When are you going to wake her up?”
Mum.
I tried to open my eyes, but couldn’t. My eyelids were so heavy. I felt like I was drowning inside myself; I wasn’t able to move at all.
“We don’t want to push it; remember what happened the last time we tried-“
“I can’t just sit back and watch my little girl unconscious for the rest of her life!” My mums voice was breaking. Come here, mum. I’m okay, come here so I can see you… “Please… will you just try?”
A pause.
“Tomorrow.”
I mulled this over as I fell back under.
**
I came to consciousness slowly this time. At first I was still half dreaming; aware that I was sort of awake, but asleep at the same time. Then my mind stopped dreaming and began to wander around aimlessly, and then I began to think, to ask questions; where was I? How long have I been here?
Eventually, I opened my eyes.
Everything was white, and I didn’t understand it, so I shut my eyes again and hoped it would go away.
It didn’t.
I listened hard. There was the beep, beep, beep that had plagued my dreams, and the gentle buzz, and then… breathing. Several people around me, breathing. I froze.
Go away, go away, go away go away go away goaway goawaygoaway-
“Sadie?”
Go away go away please don’t hurt me please I can’t take it anymore-
“Sadie, its mum.”
That’s a cruel joke.
Please, please, please leave me alone, let me die, let me waste away in peace, why do you have to mock me?
“Sadie, please, love, if you can hear me, please say something…” The voice was breaking.
Even if it wasn’t true, it hurt me to hear someone using my mum’s voice like that. And you always play the game, always, even if it means you get hurt, you always get hurt more if you don’t play along…
I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t make a noise. I knew if I opened my eyes there would be no use, I would just see the leering face of the next man, and I knew that that would kill me. I tried to make a noise, any noise, that would show I was awake, that I was playing, that they could leave me now.
I small moan was all I could produce, and I hoped that would satisfy them.
There was a sudden stillness, and then a lower voice, a more calming one, one I recognised, one that made me want to open my eyes, just in case he was really here-
“C’mon, Sades, wake up for me…” And then a warm, strong hand was clutching mine, and I didn’t flinch away, because it was a touch I remembered, a touch I trusted.
I opened my eyes.
He was there, right in front of me, his eyes widening as he took in my face and my eyes wandered around his. I clutched his hand tighter, and tears filled his eyes and ran down his face. I wanted him to hug me, to hold me close and tell me everything, explain what was happening to me.
I gazed at him, and tears started filling my eyes, and then I was suddenly crying, and his arms were around me, just like I had wanted. Again, I didn’t flinch from his touch, just huddled into it, as I cried and he cried.
The beeping became irregular, and he let go; and it was like someone had ripped me apart. But he merely grabbed my hand again and looked into my eyes.
“Hi,” he said, and I swear I began to laugh before I realised how tired I was from my crying, and fell into the blackness again.
**
There was a something in my mouth. It was long and cold and thin and smooth and tasted of nothing.
I gagged and coughed and spat and tried to get it out and then suddenly whatever it was was withdrawn and I opened my eyes in a frenzy, staring around at whatever horrible scene would meet my eyes.
“Sssh,” A voice whispered, and I shivered, “Sssh, Sade’s, its just me, its okay!”
I turned my head to look at the speaker, still dazed.
Jack. He was looking at me concernedly, and reached down to brush my hair out of my eyes.
“How do you feel?” he asked. I tried to answer, but just started coughing again, huge great coughs which rocked my body, pulling me forward into a sitting position, and then-
I screamed, as something really, really hurt. I felt strong hands grab my shoulder, push me down, and suddenly the door opened and two women in white coats rushed in, eyes wide.
“What is it? What happened?”
“I don’t know, she just sat up-“
I closed my eyes as they continued talking, not wanting to listen to their discussion about my ribs, just waiting for the darkness to come again.
But it didn’t.
“Sadie, please don’t fall asleep, we need you to answer some things for us.” The voice was soft, melodic, but I didn’t trust it. I pretended to be asleep.
“Sadie, are you awake?” the other doctor, a lower, deeper voice.
“Sadie, please just answer their questions.” I would do anything for Jack. I opened my eyes.
The doctors smiled as they took out clipboards. I could feel the heaviness coming on again, but I fought it off; I needed to know where I was, what I was doing here.
The doctor walked forward, and gently pressed a finger on my arm. “Can you feel this?”
I closed my eyes and nodded.
“And this?” My stomach.
“And this?” My leg.
“And this?”
I shrank away as a hand pressed over my heart, my chest, and I started shaking. “Sadie, what’s wrong?”
“What the hell did you do?” Jack.
“Sadie, did that hurt?”
“What’s wrong with her? Sadie, are you okay, love, Sadie?”
I opened my mouth to try to reply, but still there was no noise, just a dry, sore, aching feeling. I shook my head violently, no, go away, please no…
“Sadie, did that hurt you?”
I took a deep, deep breath, filling my lungs and trying to steady myself. I tried to speak; no good, just a rasp. I tried again. “…no.”
I was still shaking, though, when I fell under…
**
“Why would she react like that? What did you do?”
Silence.
“Mr Newall, remember what the doctors said, on her arrival?”
“What, besides, ‘get a defibrillator?’”
Shut up, Jack, I want to know this.
“They said that she might not only be enduring the…obvious problems.”
“Well, freaking duh, she was locked up for two whole months!”
Was it really only two months? It felt like forever.
“What I’m trying to say, is that there may be a possibility that Sadie was…”
She left the sentence hanging, but she didn’t need to say it. Jack guessed.
“…no!”
**
I was getting sick of waking up.
“Sadie?”
I looked up; he was there, like he had been every time. He was as reliable as clockwork. I met his gaze and tried to smile; the feeling felt strange on my face. I became aware for the first time that I was covered in tubes. I lifted my hands to my face and looked at them. Little tubes leading from a big IV stand that ran along and across my body then disappeared into my skin under surgical tape. There was one under my nose, as well, and it was uncomfortable.
I met Jacks gaze again, and he looked…terrible. Like someone had just stabbed him, or he had lost a close friend. I frowned. “What’s wrong?” My voice sounded alien to me; raspy, broken.
He shook his head, slowly raising my hand and cupping my face. I kept my gaze with him steady, feeling quite proud that I had managed to stay awake this long, to talk, to move around a bit. I wasn’t even feeling tired yet.
He lifted his other hand and picked up a piece of my hair with it, tucking it behind my ear. I cocked my head to the side, trying to analyse his face. Then, suddenly, he spoke.
“Did those men rape you, Sadie?”
Hearing the words, said aloud, without censorship or editing, were enough to rip apart my composure. I couldn’t move, as I kept my head level, staring into his face, which was becoming blurred as my eyes filled with tears. Then suddenly I couldn’t breathe, and I was crying again, crying because I was lost and confused and scared, and because nobody had told me what was going on and how long it would last, or even if I was alive or dead or in purgatory. I cried because of what had happened to me, all the games that had been played, all the times people had hurt me, used me, and then thrown me away. And I cried because I felt so alone, because no-one knew or understood or could possibly comprehend what I felt, and because I saw no way out, no escape, nothing I could do.
And Jack was crying too, and with shock I watched his blurred form drop to his knees by my bed, and lay his head beside me as he sobbed. And I didn’t know why, but I held out my hand, and he took it, just like I wanted him too, and the omnipresent beeping speed up, and I felt more tired and more heavy than I had ever before.
