Illusions of Life

Ok so I just started on this that's why it's so short but I'm working on it. Please read over and make sure its pretty interesting. THNX


// The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground.
// The moon shone brightly in the sky illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination. The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.
// All of a sudden the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman as she pulled herself to her feet and once again began running. Tears trailed steadily down the smooth caramel of her skin. Behind her an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence of silence, shattering any illusion of calm and sending the woman into utter panic.
// “No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! Lord! Hear me!”
// Her pleas mumbled through the air receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair causing it to fly behind her. Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.
// All of a sudden, a huge building came into view looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on the stained glass window was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.

tay_star92 wrote:Ok so I just started on this that's why it's so short but I'm working on it. Please read over and make sure its pretty interesting. THNX

You asked for it. Prepare for brutality!!!

The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground.

Quite traditional introduction, throwing the reader into the action. It could be replaced altogether, but if you were to keep it some minor changes are in order: "The woman ran quickly, often glancing over her shoulder. It seemed as though she was (grr...the "was/were" thing confuses me...but I think "was" is correct) flying; her feet appeared to never hit the ground."

Okay maybe that wasn't so minor. There's a lot of ways you could take that last part, that's just one example.

(Editing as I go along, now...)The moon shone brightly in the sky, illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination. The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman, it appeared as though there were no other living things present.
// <EEK!>All of a sudden</EEK!> Suddenly the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman as she pulled herself to her feet and once again began running. Tears trailed steadily down the smooth caramel of her skin. Behind her an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence of silence, shattering any illusion of calm and sending the woman into utter panic.
// “No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! Lord! Hear me!”
// Her pleas mumbled through the air receiving no answer from the Lord <I'm not the religious sort, but in this context it should be capitalized> she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair causing it to fly behind her. <Whole sentence could be rephrased..."The air, blowing harshly through the woman's curly black hair, caused it to fly behind her."> Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.
// <EEK! AGAIN!>All of a sudden</EEK! AGAIN!> Suddenly, a huge building came into view looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on [s]the stained glass window[/s] it was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.<Last sentence was great!>

Your "writing" (meaning the words you use and the way you use them) leave room for improvement, but that's not hard. For example, "All of a sudden" (though many would argue otherwise) is much better not used. Feel free to let your characters use it, but the narrator (assuming the story is in third person) should have as close to flawless English as possible.

As I said, it's not hard to fix. Just a bit of editing.

Plot and creativity-wise, this isn't a very large sample, so it's nearly impossible to tell. The best I can honestly say is that it's a good start.

Hope this helped, and I hope I wasn't too harsh!

Toodles.

The beginning's a little common, but it's all right. There's a reason it's used often - it's a successful method.

The way you write...there's something about it that's somewhat strange. I think it's the way your sentences are structured. However, that's easily fixed. ^^

It's quite vague, so I can't really critique the plot.

// [quote]The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground. [quote]

All i have to say about the above quote is that if I were you i would change "if" to "though"

the beginning is classic - no problems there. throwing the reader straight into the action is timeless, however I can`t help but feel I missed something.

Perhaps its the way you write; the suspense is amazing in this piece. Which is hard to create, once you realize how small of a piece it is.

the ending is flimsy, and should be added upon.

You should have added something along the lines of " She breathed a sigh of relief and pushed open a heavy oak door"

Overall I would rate this a 4/5. it needs work, mostly little changes.

I like your writing, the suspense was very good, but I found your use of all of a sudden ruined the feeling you were going for. It was like hitting a stop sign. A classic start, and one that I think works well here.

Great suspense, though, as others have mentioned, you may call it either "classic" or "cliche" depending on taste. It is a very common beginning which makes it very hard to tell you anything meaningful about the direction of the story at this point. But, since it's so short, You get a line-by-line. Yay! I'll try not to brutalize you to the point of death - but accidents happen

// The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground.

I'd surely eliminate the Quickly - ly adverbs are clearly your enemy! Usually you must use them sparingly. You see what I mean, when the text gets bogged down by them. A vibrant description of how fast she's running (hint hint, you have it in the next sentence) would suffice. As for the second sentence, the repetition of Seemed kinda hurt it. Otherwise, it would be a wonderful replacement for Quickly. (And one-eyed, Were is correct here. It's subjunctive, she's not actually flying, therefore it takes the Were)

// The moon shone brightly in the sky illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination. The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.

In The Sky = redundant. Where else would it be shining? I'd break up these sentences here. Usually, to show action, you use shorter sentences, to keep the pace at a good clip. so maybe something like:

"The moon illuminated the dirt path that led the woman onwards. The night was deathly silent. Besides her harsh breathing, there was no evidence of any living creature."

Er... yeah, sorry to have just totally rewritten that, but I did everything for a reason. 1. Take out the shone brightLY (in the sky, as I said before = redundant) and simply tell us why it matters - because it illuminates her path. 2 "toward her destination" is quite clunky. 3 The other two sentences were just splitting that last sentence to up the pace, and 4 a small adjustment to make the last clause connect to the second. (besides the harsh breathing - no other living thing present, doesn't follow. The breathing is not a living thing. It is evidence of a living thing.)

// All of a sudden the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman as she pulled herself to her feet and once again began running. Tears trailed steadily down the smooth caramel of her skin. Behind her an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence of silence, shattering any illusion of calm and sending the woman into utter panic.

They're right about the All of a Sudden. Also, noticing a pattern of using "seems" and "is apparent" or "appeared that." Try to use more concrete language. Who did it seem like this to? The woman? Then maybe you could say "She could not imagine what she had tripped on, for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth." Much more concrete. And it takes us into the woman's head - which is one of the things severely lacking in this piece - Character. I like the last line. Kudos!

// “No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! Lord! Hear me!”

Good capture of emotions here.

// Her pleas mumbled through the air receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair causing it to fly behind her. Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.

Pleas do not mumble, people mumble pleas. Perhaps Echoed? or Whispered? Or Died, Muted by the air? The imagery here is great, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. The violet eyes should be kept, but I'm not sure about the hair - is there any way to connect these images to the woman's feelings, instead of stating them as objective facts? Also, Shone with an Unnatural Violet, or Shone an Unnatural - not Shone in an Unnatural.

// All of a sudden, a huge building came into view looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on the stained glass window was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.

Again, all of a sudden, and seemed. Try to avoid them! And Damn is that an ending! I love it! Nice twist - just absolutely wonderfully hooking! Now I want to know who this woman is. Now I want to continue the story.

I hope that wasn't too bad - i tend to get picky when line-editing. But you survived, right? RIGHT?

Poke?

Anyways, I hope to see more of you, and please, if you disagree with anything, I'd like to hear your thoughts.

~Annie

Ok, I think they got everything before me, but I have a question. What are the // for?
Are they to seperate the paragraphs or what? It might be just me who doesn't know, but I would appreciate if someone told me!
I liked this piece though, especially the suspense. You are good at doing that. Plus, there were a bunch of words in this post that I had to look up, because I didn't know they were words. That's goood too though. It's probably just me again.
I can't wait to see what you do with this!

Hi i just saw the other posts and im sure your tired of this but im about to pick this story apart.
the bold is me.

[quote]// The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground. Why is she running?
// The moon shone brightly in the sky illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination.Where is she going? Is she in the forest or just running down the road? The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.
// All of a sudden the woman pitched (i think fell would be a better word) forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman( describe the woman. Was she terrified, out of breathe?) as she pulled herself to her feet and once again began running. Tears trailed steadily down the smooth caramel of her skin.( this was good description) Behind her an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence ( this didnt make since at first. i had to look up some words. thats not bad though big words are good)of silence, shattering any illusion of calm and sending the woman into utter panic. ( i wish i knew what had happened that is making her so paranoid)
// “No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! Lord! Hear me!”
// Her pleas mumbled( i would change mumbled, it kinda doesnt make since) through the air receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair causing it to fly behind her. Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.
// All of a sudden, a huge building came into view looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on the stained glass window was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.
[quote]

This was good. I really want to know more you said that you just started on it, i think you should write more. But with more description.
~peanut~[b]

Hello Star. [:<

The woman ran quickly, [s]ever so[/s] often [I'm sure often would just work fine.] glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as [s]if[/s] ['though' sounds better in my opinion.] she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground.

Seemed is repeated in the same sentence. Use synonyms.

The moon shone brightly in the sky, [Comma] illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination. The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present. <[It sounds a bit awkward to me. You could word it like: It appeared as if there weren't any other living things present in the night besides the harsh breathing of the woman.]

[s]All of a [/s] Suddenly the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman as she pulled herself to her feet, [s]and [/s]once again [s]began[/s] running. Tears trailed steadily down [s]the[/s] her smooth caramel [s]of her [/s]skin. [It just flows better without the extra words added.] Behind her, an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence of silence, shattering any illusions of calmness, sending the woman into utter panic.

Her pleas mumbled through the air, [Comma] receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair, causing it to fly behind her. Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and it shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.

[s]All of a sudden,[/s] [Use a synonym that would flow better like: Unexpectedly, Abruptly,etc.] a huge building came into view, [Comma] looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on the stained glass window was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet [s]in[/s] on the woman’s face, there was only alleviation [s]was apparent[/s].

Overall, I enjoyed correcting and reading this.
Good luck with the rest of your story! 8D

THNX EVERYONE

For the critique... Yes the good and the bad!

I can take it like a G (hahaha)

But just so you know I posted a bit more on my second draft so if you guys could check that out it'd be greatly appreciated!!!


MUCH LOV3