Young Writers Society

This is my first fantasy so bare with me. I hope its good. Enjoy!!
~peanut~


Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her. The survivors huddled in small groups around her.
She could hear the cries of the battle that was raging outside. Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier. It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside.
Alla was sitting on the steps that led up to her castle. Ayden sat beside his hand stroking her hair. His hand slowly traveled down her back. He jumped as Alla removed his hand from the small of her back. Nervously he looked around, afraid that his jump might have attracted attention to them.
Alla took his hand in hers and rested her head on his shoulder. Her fiery red hair draped over his broad shoulder like a blanket. Joanna could see Ayden glance up at her as Alla whispered something in his ear. Hesitantly he nodded and looked away, removing his hand from hers placing it back in her hair.
Joanna looked away, not wanting to be apart of her sister's love life. As she turned she could see Jackson and his little sister Genna talking in the corner.
Quietly she walked over to their small group. Glancing at their father as she passed him. He stood over them as if to protect them from the fighting that continued outside.
Alla stood as Joanna look back at the couple. She peered over her shoulder as she stepped away. Ayden's chocolate brown eyes widened with fear as she left. He stood to follow but Alla motioned for him to stay behind. Joanna could see Ayden hesitate before he allowed his body to sink back down onto the stone step.
Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her. Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.
As Alla looked back toward the Barrier, Joanna looked back up. She could tell Alla was confused about why she had refused to look at her.
Joanna watched as her sister slowly walked toward the dungeon's cave like exit. The guards began to panic as their queen neared them. They stood and bowed, as she got closer.
The light from the opening hit Alla, causing the queen's powerful blue aura to glow. Ayden's yellow aura sparkled faintly behind Joanna. The guards argued quietly as Alla pushed passed them. Joanna gasped as she realized what was happening.
"Alla!" she screamed as she pushed Ayden roughly, clearing her path. Alla flinched as she Joanna's scream filled the air, but she didn’t look back.
Alla stepped forward her aura letting off a blinding amount of blue light. Slowly the rainbow shimmer of the Barrier faded as Alla formed an opening.
" Alla!" Joanna screamed," Don't do this, he'll kill you!" Her scream breaking Alla's concentration, but it was too late the Barrier had been broken.
Ignoring Joanna's warning Alla stepped through the hole in the middle of the Barrier. A brilliant flash of light filled the chamber as Alla disappeared.
Every one in the room was silent as they waited for the light to fade. A scream pierced the air as the light began to weaken, revealing only empty space where Alla had stood.
"Joannie, she's gone!" A hand touched her shoulder, sending chills down her spine. She cautiously glanced over her shoulder. Ayden stood behind her, his hand outstretched to help her up from where she had crumpled to the ground.

Whoa, what happened? She walks through the gate and just... disappears? What's behind the gate? Who is "he"? I wanna know!!

See? This is the problem when I see something like this that has no definite ending. I want to see what happends next. It's annoying sometimes.

Anyway, onto the review. You never really covered some of the details that are necessary. Okay, they're sitting in front of the castle. What does it look like? What does the scenery look like?

You mention that Ayden is nervous about people looking at him and Alla. Why? I know that she's the queen, but what rank is he? Servant? Slave? Detail is the best weapon an author can have.

There were a few grammer mistakes, but grammer can be considered negligible without the proper detailing. Work on that a bit.

I would like to read more. Pm me when you post more!!

Hey, I got to read this again only with some changes that did make it better. When did Alla get red hair? Never mind................
Bunch of typos that you will notice if you re-read the post. So do, re-read it. Then you can edit and be like me. I have edited my story now six times. But we aren't talking about me, we are talking about you.
From what chosenofair wrote, I didn't know they were in front of a castle. Are they? I got lost again, like I did in Math earlier today when I first read it.
Now I think you know everything else, so keep writing!!

I am just going to throw a few questions out there.
What status does Ayden have that allows him to romance Alla. And who is 'he' when Alla goes through the barrier. What kind of battle is it why is it occuring.
These are just all things to think about the biggest thing that could help your fiction writing right now is adding detail. It's good to keep your reader guessing but when they can't form the picture you intend in their head that can be a major problem.
However, that being said, for your first fiction peice of writing (as you said) this is really good just keep working on it. Fiction is an art form all on it's own and it takes a lot of time to master it. It will come to you. KEEP WRITING!

I am just going to throw a few questions out there.
What status does Ayden have that allows him to romance Alla. And who is 'he' when Alla goes through the barrier. What kind of battle is it why is it occuring.
These are just all things to think about the biggest thing that could help your fiction writing right now is adding detail. It's good to keep your reader guessing but when they can't form the picture you intend in their head that can be a major problem.
However, that being said, for your first fiction peice of writing (as you said) this is really good just keep working on it. Fiction is an art form all on it's own and it takes a lot of time to master it. It will come to you. KEEP WRITING!

Wow, you're good. This is so cool. I haven't read a middle age fantasy before because that isn't my thing, but you've caught my attention. I'll be looking forward to more.

Thank you for all your reviews! Chosenofair i would just like to point out that they are not infront of a castle they are in a castle's dungeon, i guess i should make that clearer. Thank you!
~peanut~

Alright, I'll do the line-by-line.

Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her. The survivors huddled in small groups around her.

Maybe it's me but the simple repetition of 'her' here bothers me.

She could hear the cries of the battle that was raging outside. Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier. It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside.

Again, repetition of raging battle doesn't flow quite right. Also I'm feeling your last two sentences could work better if it were like this, "Her sisters guards were standing on either side of the sparkling barrier, it let off a faint glow of rainbow colored light as it shielded them."

Alla was sitting on the steps that led up to her castle. Ayden sat beside his hand stroking her hair. His hand slowly traveled down her back. He jumped as Alla removed his hand from the small of her back. Nervously he looked around, afraid that his jump might have attracted attention to them.

Too many choppy sentences, combine some and make more of a variety. Don't repeat words and names too much, remember, pronouns are your friend.

Alla took his hand in hers and rested her head on his shoulder. Her fiery red hair draped over his broad shoulder like a blanket. Joanna could see Ayden glance up at her as Alla whispered something in his ear. Hesitantly he nodded and looked away, removing his hand from hers placing it back in her hair.

I like this paragraph, you have some good description. Although again, pronouns.

Joanna looked away, not wanting to be apart of her sister's love life. As she turned she could see Jackson and his little sister Genna talking in the corner.

a part. Okay how does she know Jackson and Genna? Why are they there? You might want to give some background info here.

Quietly, she walked over to their small group. Glancing at their father as she passed him. He stood over them as if to protect them from the fighting that continued outside.

Why does she walk over to them? Does she feel she needs to protect them? Does she just feel lonely?
Maybe you should tell us what Joanna's thinking, how she fells about the battle outside? About her sister?

Alla stood as Joanna looked back at the couple. She peered over her shoulder as she stepped away.

You start talking about Joanna, and then switch to Alla, give a little warning here.

Ayden's chocolate brown eyes widened with fear as she left. He stood to follow but Alla motioned for him to stay behind. Joanna could see Ayden hesitate before he allowed his body to sink back down onto the stone step.
Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her. Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.
As Alla looked back toward the Barrier, Joanna looked back up. She could tell Alla was confused about why she had refused to look at her.

It's tricky when you're talking about two people of the same gender because you end up reusing "she" and their names a lot and the reader gets confused about who you're talking about. Try to think of as many names as you can give them, like "her sister" or "the dark haired girl"

Joanna watched as her sister slowly walked toward the dungeon's cave like exit. The guards began to panic as their queen neared them. They stood and bowed, as she got closer.
The light from the opening hit Alla, causing the queen's powerful blue aura to glow. Ayden's yellow aura sparkled faintly behind Joanna.

Woah, does that mean Ayden is suddenly behind Joanna? Didn't she just see him stay on the steps? Isn't her is full view?

The guards argued quietly as Alla pushed passed them. Joanna gasped as she realized what was happening.
"Alla!" she screamed as she pushed Ayden roughly, clearing her path. Alla flinched as she Joanna's scream filled the air, but she didn’t look back.
Alla stepped forward her aura letting off a blinding amount of blue light. Slowly the rainbow shimmer of the Barrier faded as Alla formed an opening.
" Alla!" Joanna screamed," Don't do this, he'll kill you!" Her scream breaking Alla's concentration, but it was too late the Barrier had been broken.

Wait, why does Alla ignore her? Why does she break the barrier? Elaborate? Thoughts from Joanna?

Ignoring Joanna's warning Alla stepped through the hole in the middle of the Barrier. A brilliant flash of light filled the chamber as Alla disappeared.

Wait can't she see through the barrier? Where is she disappearing to? This is all very vague and confusing.

Every one in the room was silent as they waited for the light to fade. A scream pierced the air as the light began to weaken, revealing only empty space where Alla had stood.
"Joannie, she's gone!" A hand touched her shoulder, sending chills down her spine.

I'm not sure I like this nickname, but that's just my personal preference.

She cautiously glanced over her shoulder. Ayden stood behind her, his hand outstretched to help her up from where she had crumpled to the ground.

Wait, how did she get on the ground? You might want to say that Joanna crouched down before you say she's on the ground because it confuses the reader.

All in all, I'd say this was enjoyable and very fantasy-ish. I really like the idea, but I think this needs a little more work in the style in flow department.
But I'd definitely like to read more, so if you are planning to write more, tell me. :]
I hope you don't think that was too harsh.

Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her. Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.

Thsi was a bit confusing. Rephase that last sentance.

Other than this, you did a great job. You were great at building up the suspense. I want to know what happens next. Althogh you should explain what is going on more, uinless your going into detail about it later.

Great job, nice story idea. Please, let me know when you get out a second post.
*slaps head*
I don't know why I let myself get attached to the good stories. You better finish it. Good luck and please keep writing.

Ok peanut, you explained most of this at school to me, and yet I still don't get some of it.
They are not in front of a castle. Ayden mysteriously appears behind Joanna, and you need to add more description to the post to make it clearer. I am still officially lost.
Plus, go into more detail about Ayden and Alla's relationship. Maybe add a bit like,
[spoiler] Joanna quietly walked over to their small group, glancing at their father as she went past him. She stood next to Jackson, and he took her hand and squeezed it tightly.[/spoiler]
Oh crap. Was I not supposed to put that down? I don't remember. Just please, clear it up more!!

[s]Hey, peanut. I can't give a proper review for the moment, but I will try to get to it tomorrow.

Just save this sport for me, 'kay?

Be back soon![/s]

First of all, good job on your first fantasy! Now to the review.

Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her. The survivors huddled in small groups around her.

These two sentences could be joined, something like this; "Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her, the other survivor huddled in small groups around her."

I added other because, unless I'm wrong, she's also a survivor, so why alienate her from the others?

Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier. It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside.

This could be changed to; "Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier; it sparkled brightly, spreading rainbow colored light throughout the room, protecting them from the battle that raged outside."

Alla was sitting on the steps that led up to her castle.

Woah woah woah, who's Alla? More importantly, where's this castle? You opened up in Joanna's point of view, so unless the stairs are where she is how does she know this "Alla" is there?

Ayden sat beside his hand stroking her hair. His hand slowly traveled down her back.

"Ayden sat beside her..." Okay forgive me, but this must have been a POV change from Joanna to Alla and Ayden. I would still like to know who they are, but next time make the POV changed marked by a little fancy square thingy or something, or just plain separate it from the rest. And those two sentences could also be combined, such as; "Ayden sat beside her, his hand stroking her hair then making its way slowly down her back."

Alla took his hand in hers and rested her head on his shoulder. Her fiery red hair draped over his broad shoulder like a blanket.

Simply take that itty bitty annoying period and turn it into a semi colon. Yay!

Joanna looked away, not wanting to be apart of her sister's love life. As she turned she could see Jackson and his little sister Genna talking in the corner.

I'm super confused. You through in 2 characters from nowhere, though "Alla" is now her sister, and now we're coming back to Joanna? Differentiate to point of views!

Quietly she walked over to their small group. Glancing at their father as she passed him.

Remember that itty bitty annoying period to semi colon changing we did earlier? Yeah, use a comma here. Yay!

Alla stood as Joanna look back at the couple.

Looked.

She peered over her shoulder as she stepped away

Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her.

Wait wait wait. The way you described Alla peering in the previous paragraph was that she was walking away from Joanna. You never said she was looking back at Ayden.

Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.

This could be changed to; "Alla glanced at her also, but Joanna quickly averted her gaze, not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her."

They stood and bowed, as she got closer.

*hands comma-be-gone stick*

"Alla!" she screamed as she pushed Ayden roughly, clearing her path

...How did Ayden get from the stairs to Joanna?

Her scream breaking Alla's concentration, but it was too late the Barrier had been broken.

"Her scream broke Alla's concentration, but it was too late. The Barrier had been broken."

Ignoring Joanna's warning Alla stepped through the hole in the middle of the Barrier.

"...warning, Alla..."

'Kay Peanut! I'm back and ready to roll. Sorry it took me so long to get to this. This is my first time on the comp not doing homework

Well, on with the review!

Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her. The survivors huddled in small groups around her.

She could hear the cries of the battle that was raging outside. Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier. It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside. Okay, you describe the battle both in the first and second paragraphs, but you don't really give us any insight on it. Only that it's a war. Maybe try to describe the sounds instead of "raging" you know? What does "raging" sound like? Use that detail

Alla was sitting on the steps that led up to her castle. Ayden sat beside his hand stroking her hair. His hand slowly traveled down her [s]back[/s] I would use "spine" instead since you use "back" in the next sentence. He jumped as Alla removed his hand from the small of her back. Nervously he looked around, afraid that his jump might have attracted attention to them. Why would he be nervious of attracting attention? What is so wrong with him showing affection fro her? Go into more detail here.

Alla took his hand in hers and rested her head on his shoulder. Her fiery red hair draped over his broad shoulder like a blanket. Joanna could see Ayden glance up at her as Alla whispered something in his ear. Hesitantly he nodded and looked away, removing his hand from hers placing it back in her hair.

Joanna looked away, not wanting to be apart of her sister's love life. As she turned she could see Jackson and his little sister Genna talking in the corner.

I noticed that you are telling a lot rather than showing. Just remember that to really make a story flow, instead of telling us step by step what happened, show us the image. Force us to imagine what you are trying to create.

Quietly she walked over to their small group. Glancing at their father as she passed him. Add more to this last sentence. It's kind of an odd fragment He stood over them as if to protect them from the fighting that continued outside.

Alla stood as Joanna look back at the couple. She peered over her shoulder as she stepped away. Ayden's chocolate brown eyes widened with fear as she left. He stood to follow but Alla motioned for him to stay behind. Joanna could see Ayden hesitate before he allowed his body to sink back down onto the stone step.

Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her. Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.

As Alla looked back toward the Barrier, Joanna looked back up. You use "looked" a lot. Try to expand on your vocabulary. She could tell Alla was confused about why she had refused to look at her.

All right, this little exchange between sisters is odd and kind of confusing. Why would Joanna be embaressed if she sees her sister and Ayden? Does she like Ayden? These are the question you must think of as you write, so the reader doesn't aske them as well.

Joanna watched as her sister slowly walked toward the dungeon's cave like exit. "Like" is too broad. What does the exit look like? The guards began to panic as their queen neared them. They stood and bowed, as she got closer.

The light from the opening hit Alla, causing the queen's powerful blue aura to glow. Ayden's yellow aura sparkled faintly behind Joanna. The guards argued quietly as Alla pushed passed them. Joanna gasped as she realized what was happening. Wait a second? Whose the queen? Joanna or Alla? That part kind of threw me...

"Alla!" she screamed as she pushed Ayden roughly, clearing her path. Alla flinched as [s]she[/s] Joanna's scream filled the air, but she didn’t look back.

Alla stepped forward her aura letting off a blinding amount of blue light. Slowly the rainbow shimmer of the Barrier faded as Alla formed an opening.

" Alla!" Joanna screamed," Don't do this, he'll kill you!" Her scream breaking Alla's concentration, but it was too late the Barrier had been broken.

Ignoring Joanna's warning Alla stepped through the hole in the middle of the Barrier. A brilliant flash of light filled the chamber as Alla disappeared.

Every one in the room was silent as they waited for the light to fade. A scream pierced the air as the light began to weaken, revealing only empty space where Alla had stood.

"Joannie Is this a spelling error or did you mean this as the spelling for "Joanna"?, she's gone!" A hand touched her shoulder, sending chills down her spine. She cautiously glanced over her shoulder. Ayden stood behind her, his hand outstretched to help her up from where she had crumpled to the ground.

Well, I think you have the elements right for a Fantasy, but you really need to concentrate on detail and showing rather than telling. I know, both of those are hard but the more you work on the more it should improve. Whenever I need to work on these elements, I try to picture my story though someone else's eyes. Think like an outsider reading your story for the first time. That way you may catch things you otherwise wouldn't since you wrote.

Hopefully this helpe dyou! And if you ever have any other questions, let me know

Hiya-

So I am going to review this but it might seem a bit odd. The story confused me and I would like to help you out a bit.

The lines below:

"She could hear the cries of the battle that was raging outside. Her sister's guards stood on each side of the Barrier. It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside."

So we get that the battle is raging outside, try to use something different. or just put "protecting them" and leave it at that.

Also I was really confused with who was who. I think it had to do with some of the pronouns you were using. But, yeah, I definatly thought Alla was a guy and that we just didn't know the sisters name until the end of the story.

I think you should re read this a few times and put in a lot more detail. I couldn't really picture what the setting or the characters looked like. Also give us some back ground. You just thrust us into the middle of a battle and a girl disappears and then poof, nothing.

Maybe it will make more sense once you post more, if that is the case then please post more and pm me.

--Rory

Hello. I printed this out and was reading it while I was having lunch. Here are my notes:

Joanna looked around the vast chamber that imprisoned her.

Describe the chamber. What is it like? Create the image in the reader's mind.

It sparkled, letting off rainbow colored light, protecting them from the battle that raged outside.

Waste of words in describing something that won't reoccur in the narrative again.

Alla was sitting on the steps that led up to her castle. Ayden sat beside his hand stroking her hair.

Who is Alla? Who is Ayden? You introduce them rather suddenly, making it hard for the reader to follow or feel sympathy for the characters.

Alla took his hand in hers and rested her head on his shoulder.

Why mention her hand again? It's just redundant and doesn't do anything to move the story forward.

Glancing at their father as she passed him.

Dangling modifier. You might want to rephrase or connect it with the previous sentence so that the logic follows through.

He stood over them as if to protect them from the fighting that continued outside.

Huh? Stood over them? And why would he do that?

Joanna looked away, not wanting to be apart of her sister's love life.

Again, you suddenly introduce characters in.

Joanna stared at her sister as she passed her. Alla glanced at her too, but Joanna quickly averted her attention to the dirt floor below her. Not wanting her sister to know she had been watching her.

Half way through the piece and yet nothing much happens except "staring contests" between characters. Brilliant -.-

The light from the opening hit Alla, causing the queen's powerful blue aura to glow. Ayden's yellow aura sparkled faintly behind Joanna.

Oooo, blue and yellow aura, is there gonna be a red aura? Or a purple one? Again, it is pointless as it doesn't push the story forward.

" Alla!" Joanna screamed," Don't do this, he'll kill you!"

Err isn't that obvious Sherlock? With dialogue, don't say something that is obvious unless the character is like that, it just seems idoitic.

Overall impressions:

I think I'll just sum up with the main problem of the piece. You write about things which are redundant and mundane, even though there is a war happening. Throughout the piece, you keep saying "he stared at this", "he stared at that". Dude, I don't care, I want the story to move forward, I want to know about this war/battle.

Know what is important, cut out the redundant crap and just tell the story.

Andy.