How Could You?

How could you?
I trusted you and let you know my darkest secrets,
secrets that I trusted no one else with.
I spent time with you.
I let my guard down and now I'm in pain,
you're looming over me and I'm scared.
I have no idea what your intentions are and I close my eyes
and start to silently cry.
I feel your thumb stroke my cheek and I cry harder.
I realize then that I loved you,
and even now though I'm scared I still want to be near you.
As you wrap your hands aroung my neck
and lean down to kiss my lips while I take my last breaths
I think, 'How could you?' then 'How could I?'

language is a bit clumsy at points, but very nice ending, good twist.

Work on it and it could be brilliant.

I love this poem
I know how you feel, if this is based on real life events. I love the accusing yet philosophical tone of this poem and how easy it is to relate to. 'How could I' this poem shows that turning point when a person realises that despite all the person's faults we are all gulity in our own way, even if it's of a small crime like forgiveness-I assume this was what the kiss part was about, anyway.
Great job
Keep up the good work
Loved it
Sarah
xxxx

thanks, i wrote this the other night out of thin air. and no it isn't from personal experiences, so thanks for all the comments. :p

Hello Teddybear!

First of all, welcome to YWS! It's nice to see you so active and yet so new.

Now, for your poem, I did a video critique, which is what I've been doing lately just because it's easier for me. So! Hopefully you'll be able to see it and stuff. The poem itself reminded me of a poem I did when I was sixteen (ahh! time flies!) and when I saw it, I thought, "AHHH! DEJA VU!" But it's all good.

The video is located here: http://revver.com/video/1288249/affilia ... could-you/

If you can't see it or anything, bug me about it and I'll write a proper critique.

Thanks for the critique, Snoink. I really need to improve on my poetry. But i will go over the poem and try to fit in some more details. Thanks again!

Wow, great job Teddybear22,
I think there are some slight grammatical errors but overall the effect of the poem as a whole is powerful. I love the ending questions, it ties into the feelings of the lovers. I look foward to reading more.