Seat Belts and Cigarettes

12 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
So, there I was, hunched over the black eye of a toilet seat regretting the previous night’s tequila decision. It was just another Monday morning.

I glanced up. There was writing on the white tiled wall.

“THE JOKE IS IN YOU’RE HANDS.” … Bathroom graffiti never has a stitch of originality.

I flushed. My head ached.

The smell of cheap disinfectant was dense.

I tore a couple squares of toilet paper from the black plastic dispenser and wiped my lips. Hygiene is important.

My name is Andrew. I repair copy machines.

As a copy machine repairman I travel a lot. So, finding myself in this charming interstate rest area’s bathroom wasn’t all that surprising. I like to drink on the road.

The company I work for has me cover the south-eastern corner of Washington. I repair late eighties, early nineties models, exclusively. You have no idea how many companies still use such old machines.

A man stammered into the stall beside me. Judging by the person’s muddy work boots and camouflage sweat pants I guessed it was trucker. Truckers all wear the same uniform.

The man sat down with a grunt. He breathed loudly. Unpleasant sounds and smells followed soon afterward.

The sun was rising as I left the rest area.

Sunrises are never all that beautiful anymore. They just make the head hurt more than it already does.

My truck’s door opened with a screech.

I turned the key three times before the engine started. My pine tree-shaped air freshener vibrated like a little seismograph waiting for the engine to explode. 452,782 miles and running.

I buckled my seat belt and lit a cigarette. I was ready for the day.

***
I smile at the receptionist.

She glares back at me.

“Are you the copy machine repairman guy?” her fluffy red hair bounces a little as she talks.

I said yes.

Reluctantly she stood up and said, “Follow me.”

She wore a white blouse and a black mini skirt. All receptionists wear the same uniform.

My eyes migrated to her ass. The silky black fabric of her skirt formed a perfect silhouette of what laid beneath… It bounced.

“Here it is,” she held a manicured hand toward a doorway that was labeled ‘COPY’ in stenciled letters.

I said thanks and she walked back to her high desk without another word.

Over the years I’ve learned that fixing copy machines really doesn’t require all that much skill. Most copy machine ailments only require a stiff kick or elbow jab to the paper dock to be mended. I kept that in mind as I entered.

The room was bland. A sanitarium’s decorum: off-white walls, bleached out tile floor, and yellowing fluorescent lights illuminating the room from above. Honestly, I was surprised I didn’t see a straight jacket waiting for me on a hanger in there.

The copy machine was beige. It’s worn off buttons stared at me like blind eyes. Someone had scratched, “I HATE YOU!” into the scanner’s white plastic lid.

I pressed the green start button. The machine made funny noises. I kicked. The machine still made funny noises. I kicked again.

One whole second of silence passed and then a piece of paper flowed through.

I smiled.

“My work is done here,” I said to myself.

I’m good at my job.

Out of curiosity I took a look at the piece of paper that had been stuck in the machine. On it was a pair of scanned butt cheeks… I wasn’t amused. This wasn’t the first time I had seen this happen…

Then I got the call.

My ring tone sucks. It’s one of those free ones that come with the phone when you buy it. It sounds like the bastard child of circus music and polka. It’s disgusting.

I answered.

“Hello.”

“Hi… is this… um… Andrew?” My mother was speaking. She was a hippy back in the day and is still pretty paranoid of the government listening to her calls.

“Yes…” I hadn’t talked to my mom for eight months.

For ten seconds the only conversation was the distant background traffic that her receiver picked up. She was using a payphone.

“Mom?”

“Sorry… Um… well… …” her voice was shaky. “… … … YOUR FATHER’S DEAD!”

“Mom?” was the only thing I could say.

I haven’t seen my dad in seventeen years. I never will again.

I don’t remember the conversation from there on very well. I think it was mostly just gasping and crying on my mother’s part and utter disbelief on mine.

I walked out of the office distraction free… I think the receptionist was yelling at me to sign something but I didn’t care.

I’m drunk right now.

I’m driving.

I’m writing this.

I’m fucking multi-tasking.

The funeral is on a Wednesday… tomorrow. It’s in Ohio.

I won’t be able to make it. It’s too far. I can’t afford a plane ticket. But, I’m trying to get there all the same. I’m trying.
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 62
how come there are no comments?!

I fucking love this.





its so...

"“My work is done here,” I said to myself.


I’m good at my job."

"I’m drunk right now.


I’m driving.


I’m writing this.


I’m fucking multi-tasking. "

those are my favourite parts. I really like this as a short story, snappy, you really get a great feel of the character in first person and the subject isn't too complicated and not too simple. Perfect for a good short story.

the style is great, like monotone. You seen Fight Club? Like Edward Norton's character at the start.

brilliant.
Is this bass REALLY strong enough?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 33076
Reviews 1167
wwjnd wrote:So, there I was, hunched over the black eye of a toilet seat regretting the previous night’s tequila decision. It was just another Monday morning.

Really good opening line! :D

wwjnd wrote:“THE JOKE IS IN YOU’RE ((YOUR)) HANDS.” … Bathroom graffiti never has a stitch of originality.


I really, really like this.
The tone and style is brilliant. You capture the MC's voice and attitude perfectly. I was definately not expecting the plot twist at the end :)
Really good job :D
Gold star for you! :D

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Ask a Therapist!
I want to beta read your novel!


Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
scribblingquill: Thanks for the review... Yeah I have seen Fight Club, it's probably my favorite movie. Chuck Palahniuk the writer of the book that inspired the movie is amazing, you should definitly check him out if you haven't already.

time22: Thanks for the review... I really appreciate it.
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 34
i enjoyed reading this. it reminded me of the short fiction of charles bukowski. it was bleak, dreary, and the narrator sounds like a wretch. you did a good job of conveying the bleakness of his character. the influence of Palahniuk is pretty obvious too. excellent work.

-zalarus
I'll tell you this -
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

You sound like a hillbilly,
We want folk singers here.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
zaluras: Thanks, I really enjoy Bukowski's work even though I've only one of his books, Post Office. It's an honor that you'd even compare my work to such a great writer.

Anyone Else?
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 112
"I haven’t seen my dad in seventeen years. I never will again."

Everything else is in past tense, this should be "hadn't".

Other than that, It wasn't too long, like many people would make it, but it wasn't so short that it sacrificed any detail or development.

Is this part of a story, or just a standalone? Because the development of the character, though short, was quite unnecessary if this is all there is to the story.

And the last line wasn't that great...It almost seems like it's trying to make up for the seeming lack of sensitivity the MC has in the rest of it.

It needs work, but it's not bad.
Am I a one eyed hunter of unicorns or a hunter of one eyed unicorns? The world may never know.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 34
I enjoyed reading this, no grammar mistakes, nothing particularly wrong with spelling and a great attitude.

The attitude that this person conveys; makes me feel like he has a trash life and has the brought up attitude to match it.

Thanks for the read, it was enjoyable. ^^
"Eat, Drink, Play"- National Pub Poker League
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
You wanna go to sleep? Click this --> http://qinni.deviantart.com/art/Timeles ... -102881379




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
oneeyedunicornhunter: Thanks for the review. I'll have to check on the tense thing. Um, yeah, this story was a 'stand alone', but I think that any character development I put into this was important because it gives the reader something to build their perceptions of the main character on. But, yeah thanks.

Light_Devil: Um, thanks for the review.
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 540
Reviews 14
This is great. I love the choppy, short sentences. Its a wonderful style tool. :) The introduction is very nice.

I think you may have some grammar and spelling errors, such as,
Out of curiosity I took a look at the piece of paper that had been stuck in the machine.

In an introductory clause ("out of curiosity"), you need to include a comma at the end.

You also have a few fragments such as,
452,782 miles and running.


Fragments can be a good style device, but I think with the detached sentences and paragraphing, the overall piece can seem too choppy. You might consider putting larger paragraphs together. :D

I really do like this piece. It had an interesting story to it, and a wonderfully sarcastic tone. As far as the tense you used, switching from past to present: using both past and present can be a good tool, especially when doing a flashback scene, just be careful when you use what tenses!

:D NEways, great job! I'll have to check out some of your other works!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
hey thanks.
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 6
i really like this

even though the guy is taqlking about whats happening,its like hes talking about himself.you could tell what kind of person he is.
with the news of his father's death, you can see that he isnt what he appears to be.
and when i say that im saying that this guy is more than a drunck but a person with either a very wack past or a very boring on



loved it
<foreverblair> ~in the words of david bowie.. "i'll be there for you,when the world falls down"~



Mariah Carey
— WFP chat in Holiday Trivia Night (2025)