That kid

I wrote this during math class a couple of weeks ago. It's sort of based off of a kid at my school, but not really.
I thought about making it longer but I sort of like it the length it is. Let me know if you think it should be longer or something.
Thanks for reading!

I’m the person you all avoid in the hallways. The one that when you see coming, you deliberately move around, hoping you won’t touch. You think I don’t see this. But I do.
My dark stringy hair falls in my face. I’ve been wearing the same pants for a few days now and this is the second time this week I’ve worn this shirt. You think only you and your friends can hear your snide comments. The “ewws” and the “oh my God, he is sooo nasty!” I can always hear.
People treat me like I’m not even a person. To some people I am simply just a bad piece of air. I have no escape. I’m not good at sports or music. I’m smart but no one seems to care. No one ever wants to work with me in class, even though I could get you a perfect ‘A’. You think I don’t see the faces you give your friends as you’re forced to sit by me. But I do.
I try to break the ice by telling a joke. No one gets it. They just laugh sarcastically. You think I don’t notice the whispers you all make to one another. But I do.
At lunch there are no empty seats so I sit alone, my back to the wall and a few feet from a trashcan. I stay there hoping that when someone goes to throw their food away they’ll notice me and ask me to sit with them. No one talks to me. No one looks at me.
I keep telling myself “oh, you don’t need friends, they’re over rated anyway”. I look at the happy, laughing groups of people and realize I couldn’t want anything more.

Hey, tnme22!

This was a really interesting idea--social pariahs have been done before, but watching people define themselves is always fascinating. A lesson in psychology, wouldn't you agree? ^_~ It's a brave move, too, because talking as these characters takes a lot of skill.

A few character related things:

- What initiated this conversation? With this kind of piece, the "why" it's written is important to note. Otherwise, wouldn't everyone want this chance to air themselves to the world?

- Most kids who don't bathe aren't aware that it's socially important. Otherwise, they would find a way to wash their clothes.

-

No one ever wants to work with me in class, even though I could get you a perfect ‘A’.

This is a valid point, but in the high school that I go to, most students will slaughter goats in order to get a 4.3. Dealing with smelly people isn't an inhibition. Describing the character of the hostile school is important in order to back up this characters' experience--otherwise, it feels false.

__

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions.

Oh I really like this. it has dark elements to it yet it is interesting. I am just wondering what made you write this?
THANK YOU.

FreakyDoo12 wrote:Oh I really like this. it has dark elements to it yet it is interesting. I am just wondering what made you write this?
THANK YOU.

there's a kid in my early bird AP US history class (early bird means it's an hour before regular classes start) that is kinda dirty and he doesn't have any friends and everyone is kind of mean to him. I modeled it kind of off of him cause I feel bad for him

sad. But moving. The great (and kind of depressing) thing about this piece is we ALL know that kid. One thing I'd try to develop is the REASON for his bad hygiene. The narrator mentions he's wearing the same clothes, his hair is unwashed, etc. It's obviously got something to do with his background. If he were able to be tidy he would be, if friends are so important to him. So what's up at home?

Another idea would be to change the whole thing to...I dunno what to call it...1st/2nd person? Like writing a letter. You think I don't notice but I do. Leave out the third person completely, as if the narrator is talking directly at all times to us, his abusers. Did that make any sense?

"I'm smart but you don't care." This intimate viewpoint, which you used exclusively in the first paragraph, is I believe what gave it strength.

Nice job!

ps. I like how you wrote it in math class! ...who needs trig anyway? That is SO me. But Physics is my best creative time

I really liked this piece. You're right, in every school there is this kid. I liked how you ended almost every sentence with, "But I do." One thing is, you say that others think that you don't notice, but most of the time they do know you notice, they're doing it because of that, to make fun of you. I'm sorry, I'm not sure if that made anysense at all. Anyways, I liked this piece. Good job.

I like the mode this story is...

The sad and somewhat scary mood is definetely there.

The way that this boy is not notice by people and that he is somewhat a nuisance is good.

The elements are there and it would be better if this could continue.

Hey TN!

This is great! There are things here that anyone could choose to nitpick. I find that unnecessary; it's written in essay form, and that's what makes it a great piece.

There isn't anything to critique here. The MC is the outcast, and it's written in his POV, so it's not going to be perfect.

You did an amazing job here, tnme, keep it up. I'd love to see more of your work.


10/10

xxJune

Keep it up!!

I really liked this. I once knew a kid in my class who was just like this. He would wear these ragged clothes and everyone would make fun of him for being poor. He eventually transferred schools after the whole language arts class started laughing at him in an obvious manner. And then we found out later on that he was extremely rich and was a math genius.

Anyways, I really liked this piece. It was interesting and at first, I thought it would be overratingly cliche but it was actually original. It offers a different perspective. Good job.

Hi again! Another pet-peeve of mine is dredging up old pieces, but since you asked so nicely, and I did promise you three reviews, I'll make an acception.

The one that when you see coming, you deliberately move around, hoping you won’t touch.

That last bit should read:
a) hoping that we won't touch
or
b) hoping that you won't touch me.

a few feet from a trashcan

Trash can. Two words.


Wow. You captured the mood beautifully, and your use of language and words doesn't fail to move me. It takes a lot of talent to speak as this character, to capture his emotions. Well done.
And if you still know this boy, go talk to him! Say hi, give him a jolly rancher!