As if I was in Love 1 (edited)

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Chapter One
My heart was beating fast, as I ran down the stairs from my mother.
“Get off of here!” My mother yelled, while throwing a glass vase at me. I ducked, and it missed me.
“Where will I go?” I yelled back at her, while stopping in my tracks. I suddenly soaked my words in, and understood them. If I were to leave, where was I going to go? I had no place to go.
“I don’t care! Now go and don’t come back!”
I ran to the messy kitchen, grabbed my backpack, and ran out the back door. I ran all the way to the school crying. I collapsed on a bench, thinking to myself how I was glad I was early. I stopped cry and took out a tiny mirror from my backpack. I lifted the mirror to look at myself. My auburn hair was a mess. The green in my eyes had dulled. My straight nose was running. My cheeks were a bright red from running here.
I looked up from my mirror and noticed kids starting to fill the school grounds. I put my mirror away. I got up from the bench and started walking into the school with everyone else. As I walked into the school I thought, this is going to be a horrible day.

“Uh, my life is messed up. I need someone to talk to, and badly.” I said with a miserable tone. I sat down on a bleacher putting down my bag, getting ready to watch the football game. I looked out on the field and watched the high school football players warm up.
“Why? You can talk to me.” Aaron said, sitting next to me.
“Long story,” I simply answered.
“Well, I want to hear it.” He said, looking at me.
I turned my head to face him. He looked at me with puppy eyes, and I felt myself loose grip on my control I had with his puppy eyes, and give in.
“I’m alone.” I whispered. I felt myself break inside, I started to shake.
“No, you have me.” Aaron said, putting his arm around my shoulder.
“No, I’m not just alone, besides you, but I have no place to go.” I said.
“Why, what happened?” He asked with a serious tone in his voice.
I started to gather my stuff. I didn’t know where I was going to go , but I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay at the school all day and night.
“Maybe I could go stay at-“ I thought out loud.
“Stay with me.” He said.
“Wait, what?” I said, stopping what I was doing, and felt little butterflies start to form in my stomach.
“Stay with me.” Aaron said.
“No, just because my Mother kicked me out, doesn’t mean you have to take me in.” I answered sharply. Even though I really wanted to stay with Aaron, I felt like I couldn’t for some reason.
Suddenly, Aaron grabbed my wrist, and stopped me from what I was doing.
“Stay with me.” He said firmly, letting go of my wrist.
“I…I...” I started to say.
“Can.” Aaron finished for me.
I finished gathering my bag and said, “Fine, just for a week.”
“Good,” He said, grabbing my bag for me.
“What about your mom? Won’t she get mad?” I asked, looking at him.
He turned his face to me smiled and said, “Not if she doesn’t know.”
I smiled in return and hugged him. “Thanks,” I whispered into his shoulder, since I couldn’t reach up to his ear. He lifted me up and said, “No prob, shorty.”
I finally got back down on the floor, and started to walk down the bleachers, with Aaron at my side. I thought about how this could work, and how I wouldn’t get caught if we did this right. Then, I looked up and noticed that we were walking off into the sunset, just like in the movies.
Last edited by pshhxhoney on Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:05 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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Love the topic....it happens to us all at some point and it's always horrible...it's great to have a theme loads of people can relate to...

Noticed a couple of problems though so here we go....

I know crying over a boy was silly but, I really liked, no still like, him. I feel completely head over heels for him, and I was on the ground waiting for him to grab my hand a help me up.


the first sentence here seems awkward...consider a rephrase? It's supposed to be "fell" not "feel"!

Then, it suddenly hit me. I was in love with Aaron.


This is SO accurate! Love the simplicity of this....

The ending is a bit abrupt but I like the way the dialogue was so believeable...be careful not to start too many sentences with the word "I"

Liked this!
Olivia
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pshhxhoney wrote:“No! He doesn’t, Julianna!” I yelled at her, sliding down the wall tears starting to spill from my eyes.
I sat on the floor crying silently. My heart was broken. I know ((knew)) crying over a boy was silly but, [s]I really liked, no still like, him.[/s] (('I still really liked him' would sound better)) I feel ((was))completely head over heels for him[s], and[/s] ((.)) I was on the ground waiting for him to grab my hand a help me up.
Julianna sat down on the floor of the school [s]and[/s] ((,)) put my ((head?))on her lab, and smoothed my hair.


The prologue was good except for the minor grammar errors that will get better with time :D
If something isn't free, feel free to ask for clarification :)
I'm gonna finish this later, I promise. I have to get my marching band stuff ready for a football game :roll:
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Prologues a little small but you should have posted them separately.
~~~~~~~~
“He doesn’t like me.” I whispered to my best friend.

Comma instead of period.
~~~~~~~~
“No! He doesn’t, Julianna!” I yelled at her, sliding down the wall tears starting to spill from my eyes.

after wall start a new sentence.
~~~~~~~~
and I was on the ground waiting for him to grab my hand a help me up.

take not grab, it sounds more romantic that way.
~~~~~~~~
Julianna sat down on the floor of the school and put my on her lab, and smoothed my hair.

Put her what on your were?
~~~~~~~~
I was crying.

You already pointed out she was crying...
~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One

“Uh, my life is messed up. I need someone to talk to, and badly.” I said sitting down on a bleacher.
“Why? You can talk to me.” Aaron said sitting next to me.

Okay, add in where they are, bleacher...okay? is it game night? are there people on the field? also, what are her emotions at this point, what does her voice sound like? Is she sad? Or is she saying it in a robotic tone? also, comma after said with aarons part.
~~~~~~~~~
“Well, I want to hear it.” He said looking at me.

Comma after said.
~~~~~~~~~~
He looked at me with puppy eyes and I gave in.

Why would she give in? What's with the puppy dog eyes. Where they making her head all cloudy of any reason to put up a fight to tell him?
~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m alone.” I whispered. I felt myself break inside, I started to shake.
“No, you have me.” Aaron said putting his arm around my shoulder.

I love the 'im alone' part. comma after said.
~~~~~~~~~~
“My mom kicked me out…” I answered starting to gather my stuff.

No need for the elipse here. And magically apearing stuff?
~~~~~~~~~~
quote] Maybe I could go to-[/quote]
Here is where you'd use the elipse.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Wait, what?” I said stopping what I was doing.

Comma after said.
~~~~~~~~~~
“No.” I answered sharply. I went back to what I was doing when Aaron’s hand stopped me.

Where was his hand? on hers? On her thigh? Leg? shoulder? Dont leave these types of things unanswered.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Stay with me.” He said firmly letting go of me.

Comma after firmly.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Good,” He said, grabbing my stuff for me.

Hmm, instead of stuff...maybe bag?
~~~~~~~~~~~
“What about your mom? Won’t she get mad?” I asked looking at him.

Comma after asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I smiled in return and hugged him, “Thanks.” I whispered into his shoulder, since I was short and couldn’t reach up to his ear. He lifted me up and said, “No prob, shorty.”

Hmmm, first off. period after him and comma after thanks. take out the whole being short part, or reword it. something like ....shoulder, i wanted to whisper in his ear but my (instert height here) wasnt having any of that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I finally got back down on the floor and started to walk with Aaron on my side.

I didn't know she was walking down the bleachers. Say that. and by her side not on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Awh cuteee!!!!
You may want to hint a little more about their age. Since its illegal to kick out a minor...haha. okay then.
Also, give her more emotions. What are her feelings towards aaron at this point? Any butterflys? I think she should have more fluttering emotions when he offers her to stay with him.
Cant wait to read more!! Pm me when you post some more uppppp!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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the promised finished part :D

pshhxhoney wrote:“Uh, my life is messed up. I need someone to talk to, and badly.” I said sitting down on a bleacher.

It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when things start with dialogue. Try to think of a really awesome, grabbing first line. Think about it, this is the first line that will be read and you don't want to turn someone off with a more boring opening line. :)

I didn't notice any major grammar or spelling errors so yey for that! :)
I did think this was a little abrupt though. I think you would have a much stronger chapter if you maybe started with her getting kicked out and developed the MC and Aaron a little more.
It's not bad by any means but it could be better :D

-Carly
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tnme22:

Thanks so much. Im going to get right on that! I do think I can have a better opening for chapter one and broaden it. Thank you so much! =D
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Aww! I loved it. The realness of it was amazing. I'm going to go read the second chapter now. Thanks for posting.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




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Writing for love is a pas:

Thanks so much for reviewing my stories! I try to caught the attention of the reader in the beginning and I guess I did! Thanks so much!
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Wow, great story. it sounds so sad and yet genuine. Do you mind telling me why her mum kicked her out or is it in the next chapter.
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FreakyDoo12:

Thanks for the comment! I try to make my stories interesting and also something the reader can relate too!

If i dont explain why her mother kicked her out in the next chapter it will in the chapter after that, I promise!

Well, thanks again for the again. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

-krisy
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Wow, I couldn't believe how much I could relate to the prologue. I feel that way too. I want a guy to like me so badly, because I like him. But it really never works out that way.

Your story has a few mistakes, but overall I was in love with it.

I can't wait to hear more so tell me when you write more. I will be looking forward to it.

Thanks again and maybe you could read my story. It is also in Romantic Fiction, but it is called No Title... A work in Progress. That would be awesome if you could help me with that.

Once again, great story!
I don't know anyone that is normal. If we were all normal we wouldn't be different. ~ME




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CJeanene13:

Thanks so much for the comment! Some of the things that happened in the story are based on what happened to me in real life. One day I just had to write it down, and know everyone seems to like it! I'm so glad! I love that people can relate to it!

I will try to edit my stuff as fast as I can. I'm so busy lately! I will contact you when I post up the next chapter!

I will totally check out your stuff as soon as I have time! Thanks again!

-Krisy
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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I loved this. girl, your ahmazing with words.
I know i spelled ahmazing wrong. jeez, calm down. life is not a spelling contest(:
anyway, this was amazing, a marvelous story.
im deff. reading the 2nd chapter.
Bella: I miss you. Edward: I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you. Bella: Come and get it, then




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This is different, and that's really cool.
I can sort of relate to this, so yeah! Wickid ones. I'm gonna read the second chapter now, if there is one, but I think there is, right? Oh well. I'll find out now!
The errors have been pointed out, so no need for me to remind you of them.
I like the characters, and I also liked how Aaron was so firm yet cute and friendly when he insisted on her staying at his house when she got kicked out. It does make for a more romantic character! :D

Likin' it so far!
Keep it Old Skool.




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hmm. i enjoyed it, let me know when you write more.



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle