As if I was in Love 1 (edited)

Although it seems cliche and all, I actually like it. Though I found a few errors but you can easily fix that.

It's nice. Good job.

~Casey

All right, this was a cute concept pshhxhoney! I thought it was cute, in a cliche way. However, those are sometimes the best stories

Now, I did notice a few things that you could tweak to make this better.

1. TELLING VERSUS SHOWING. You do a lot of telling in this piece. I want to know detail. I want to vision it in my mind instead of you just telling me what happened, you know? Describe the sunset, describe Aaron, describe the fight with her mother, ect.

2. CRYING. There seemed to be a lot of crying in his piece. I'm not sure why that bugged me so bad, but it just kind of lost the feel after the first paragraph To really make the reader feel for your character, instead of telling us that she's crying and looks a mess, tell us her thoughts. Stuff like that make a bigger impact then just simply saying, I cried, you know?

3. PACE. Your flow was actually pretty good, but I felt at the end, the dialogue was shot back and forth. I would have liked to hear more of her thoughts during that period, like what she was thinking.

Other than those things, which are easliy fixed I really enjoyed this. It was such a nice, refreshing read. I definitely wasn't bored, and that's a compliment in itself.

I look forward to further installmens

Hey Honey... I'm much Junior writer comapred to you..
Can't give ya review.. Sowwie..!!!
but do consider as review..
But Want so say that made me feel scene..
Feel's Like Ghost..Who's present there when converstion was going on..
You words made me imagine the whole scene..

Take Care Keep Writing..

I love your story! I am going to read your next chapter now.

[s]My heart was beating fast, as I ran down the stairs from my mother.[/s]
Maybe: My heartbeat kept getting faster, and faster, as I ran downstairs, as far away as possible from my mother.

[s]“Get off of here!” My mother yelled, while throwing a glass vase at me. I ducked, and it missed me.[/s]
“Get out of here!” My mother yelled, throwing a glass vase at me. I ducked, it missed me.

“Where will I go?” I yelled back at her, while stopping in my tracks. I suddenly soaked my words in, and understood them. If I were to leave, where was I going to go? I had no place to go.

“I don’t care! Now go and don’t come back!”

[s]I ran to the messy kitchen, grabbed my backpack, and ran out the back door. I ran all the way to the school crying. I collapsed on a bench, thinking to myself how I was glad I was early. I stopped cry and took out a tiny mirror from my backpack. I lifted the mirror to look at myself. My auburn hair was a mess. The green in my eyes had dulled. My straight nose was running. My cheeks were a bright red from running here.[/s]
I ran to the messy kitchen, grabbed my backpack, and ran out the back door. I ran all the way to the school crying. Collapsing on a bench, I thought about how I was glad that I was early. I stopped crying and took out a tiny mirror from my backpack. I lifted the mirror to look at myself. My auburn hair was a mess. The green in my eyes had dulled. My straight nose was running. My cheeks were a bright red from running here.


[s]I looked up from my mirror and noticed kids starting to fill the school grounds. I put my mirror away. I got up from the bench and started walking into the school with everyone else. As I walked into the school I thought, this is going to be a horrible day.[/s]
I looked up from my mirror and noticed kids starting to fill the school grounds. I put my mirror away. I got up from the bench and started walking into the school with everyone else. This is going to be a horrible day.
…

“Uh, my life is messed up. I need someone to talk to, and badly.” I said with a miserable tone. I sat down on a bleacher putting down my bag, getting ready to watch the football game. I looked out on the field and watched the high school football players warm up.
Why would she talk to herself? Or, is Aaron is next to her already . . . wouldn't you say something?

“Why? You can talk to me.” Aaron said, sitting next to me.

“Long story,” I simply answered.

“Well, I want to hear it.” He said, looking at me.
Well, you usually look at someone when talking . . .

[s]I turned my head to face him. He looked at me with puppy eyes, and I felt myself loose grip on my control I had with his puppy eyes, and give in.[/s]
I turned my head to face him. He looked at me with his puppy eyes, I felt myself loosen grip on my control I had. With those puppy eyes, I had to give in.

“I’m alone.” I whispered. I felt myself break inside, I started to shake.

“No, you have me.” Aaron said, putting his arm around my shoulder.

“No, I’m not just alone, besides you, but I have no place to go.” I said.

“Why, what happened?” He asked with a serious tone in his voice.
“Why, what happened?” He asked with a serious tone."

I started to gather my stuff. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay at the school all day and night.

“Maybe I could go stay at-“ I thought out loud.

“Stay with me.” He said.

“Wait, what?” I said, stopping what I was doing, and felt little butterflies start to form in my stomach.

“Stay with me.” Aaron said.

“No, just because my Mother kicked me out, doesn’t mean you have to take me in.” I answered sharply. Even though I really wanted to stay with Aaron, I felt like I couldn’t for some reason.

Suddenly, Aaron grabbed my wrist, and stopped me from what I was doing.

“Stay with me.” He said firmly, letting go of my wrist.

“I…I...” I started to say.

“Can.” [s]Aaron finished for me.[/s]

I finished gathering my bag and said, “Fine, just for a week.”

“Good,” He said, grabbing my bag for me.

“What about your mom? Won’t she get mad?” I asked, looking at him.

He turned his face to me smiled and said, “Not if she doesn’t know.”

I smiled in return and hugged him. “Thanks,” I whispered into his shoulder, since I couldn’t reach up to his ear. He lifted me up and said, “No prob, shorty.”

I finally got back down on the floor, and started to walk down the bleachers, with Aaron at my side. I thought about how this could work, and how I wouldn’t get caught if we did this right. Then, I looked up and noticed that we were walking off into the sunset, just like in the movies.[b]