The Dawning of Her

Whispers flooding through the walls like fire burning down the forest trees. People running away from something like water flowing over everything in it's path. Who is coming? And why? Is it the king trying to find more people like HER. Like HER people. Who is she; She is Alaan. The youngest, yet strongest, fighter of her kind. But what IS her kind? Is it magical people who know how to fight? Or people who survive in the darkness of the world? What is her kind? They are the HUMBLE. Do not let their name fool you. Those of the humble are not kind at all. They are cruel, mean people who feed off of others when they need to. So then what makes Alaan any different? What stops the kings army from taking her? Is it her power? Her charm? Her skill? What is it? And why isn't heard of even to her own people? Because she is different? But how? If she is like them then surely someone shares her powers. At least some of them. And since no one does, then what does that mean? It means...nothing.

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Yey! Here's the promised review

Passion wrote:Whispers flooding through the walls like fire burning down the forest trees. People running away from something like water flowing over everything in it's path. Who is coming? And why? Is it the king trying to find more people like HER. ((this is a question but with no question mark. Take out the first 'is' or add a question mark))Like HER people. But who is HER? She is Alaan. The youngest yet strongest fighter of her kind.

I thought it was good. You use good description but at times it got a little confusing. I didn't quite understand the first simile (or is it a metaphor? i forget )
The plot is intriguing. I want to know more about Alaan and her kind.
Nice job, you should continue this!

-Carly

Passion wrote:Whispers flooding through the walls like fire burning down the forest trees. People running away from something like water flowing over everything in it's path. Who is coming? And why? Is it the king trying to find more people like HER. Like HER people. I would put those "HER"s in italics instead of all caps. But who is HER? "Who is she?" would be better I think She is Alaan. If sentences are too short, they sound choppy. I'd suggest putting a semicolon instead of a period, and combining that sentence with this next one. The youngest put a comma here? yet strongest comma here, too, maybe? fighter of her kind. But what IS Again, I think italics would be better her kind? Is it magical people who know how to fight? Or people who survive in the darkness of the world? What is her kind? They are the HUMBLE. Do not let their name fool you. Those of the humble are not kind at all. They are cruel, mean people who feed off of others when they need to. So then what makes Alaan any different? What stops the kings Not too good with this type of thing, but I think it should either be "king's", or "kings' ". Probably the first, although I'm not sure. army from taking her? Is it her power? Her charm? Her skill? What is it? And how come it isn't "why isn't it" might sound better heard of even to her own people? Because she is different? But how? If she is like them then surely someone shares her powers. At least some of them. And since no one does comma here, maybe? then what does that mean? It means...

Overall, this wasn't bad. A good start. I do hope you'll be answering all those questions rather soon, though. Having so many questions asked in the first paragraph might be a bit overwhelming, but I won't complain since I like having questions asked in my writing, too.

Anyway, there wasn't anything major wrong with this, so good job on that. Hope this was helpfu.