Roses Without Thorns Prologue and Chapter 1

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In my opinion, the prologue is okay, but the chapter is the worst thing I have evar written evar. ><

Prologue:
If someone dies, does anyone really care? I doubt they do anymore, that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul. And yet they pretend, they all pretend, trying to fit in with the other pretenders that don’t know they aren’t the only ones.

They conduct large ceremonies, pretending to grieve, and every time they pretend, a twinge of guilt and fear arises in them. They wonder if this is abnormal, and if they are a sociopath. They reassure themselves that this is not so, that they just don’t fully realize that the loved one is gone yet, and it would hit them soon. Then, they will break down sobbing, clutching their knees and feeling a hole in their heart. This, of course, never happens, and they forget that they ever assumed it would. The question that never occurs to them is if everyone else is exactly the same.

Of course, I have considered popping the bubble, but why should I? It would only make them question my mental capacities, while secretly being scared to death of the truth I have just uncovered. I feel no need to uncover any truth, what I have just detailed here is only one of many that I am perfectly fine with letting humanity plunge themselves into the ground denying. After all, humans are obsessed with their denial of anything inherently wrong within them. They will point a finger at anything that they think is wrong, but they would never admit that there is anything wrong with themselves.

Sickly sweet is the rose with no thorns.

Chapter 1:

I walked through the forest, feeling the sun shining down on me just enough to warm me perfectly. I inhaled the scent of the pine trees deeply, noticing a butterfly landing on a branch in front of me. I leaned towards it, hypnotized by the beautiful deep blue pattern.

A loud buzzing sound came from my shirt pocket. I shoved my hand in and attempted to silence my cell, but it was too late. The butterfly, startled, had flown off. I glanced at the ID and flipped open the offending phone.

“Hello, Kristin.”

“Michael! Where are you? I’ve been sitting at our table for almost half an hour!” she scolded.

I winced at her whining tone of voice, and blankly replied that I had forgotten.

“Are you serious? Come on, get over here.”

I grunted and hung up the call.

---

After parking my car, I had to look in a few restaurants before I remembered which one I was reserved at. I hurriedly gave my name to the maître d' and was promptly seated with an very annoyed-looking girl. Kristin was, for the time being, my girlfriend, though she had the approximate intelligence of the small appetizer on the plate in front of her.

“Michael, what were you doing? You always say you’re working, but you don’t have a job anymore, and you don’t do paint or any of that creative stuff people who don’t work are supposed to do, I should be with-”

“You want me to pay or not?” I said, grabbing my napkin and pulling a pen out of my pocket.

Her complaints were thankfully silenced.

The waiter came, and asked us for our order. Kristin ordered the most expensive thing she could find on the menu, probably to spite me. I opted for a salad, while starting to draw absentmindedly on the napkin.

“That’s it? You’re just getting that little lettuce thing?” said Kristin, reaching across the table to poke me on the shoulder and disrupt my drawing.

I wondered why she cared, and said so. She looked affronted, and stayed silent until the waiter delivered our food, at which point she launched into conversation again.

“So, Michael, I was talking with Alex, you know Alex, he’s from my college, and he says that there was some thing over by that bridge all covered in plants and stuff where this little dog just fell off and drowned in the river. Like, drowned. Isn’t that scary?”

“Mm,” I said. She took a pause while shoving a bite into her mouth. I continued to draw on the napkin, while picking at the salad and eating a few leaves.

“He says it’s all faked and they’re just trying to collect insurance but like, who ever heard of someone getting insurance on their dog?

“Quite unheard of, yes.” I started shading some areas of my doodle.

“Anyway, I was thinking later we could go and check out that new store off of Trenton.”

The waiter returned to check on us, and I asked for the bill. Kristin, who was only halfway through her meal, opened her mouth as if about to say something, thought better of it, and closed her mouth. I paid, and we left. I attempted to escape to my car, but Kristin called for me to wait up.
I don’t really know why I didn’t just keep walking, but for some reason I turned around and stumped back to the outside of the entrance. She started engaging me in small talk again, and fumbled in her purse for a cigarette.

“So, are you sure you don’t wanna go to that new store? I bet we could even find something that you would like,” she said playfully, flicking her lighter underneath the cigarette. The tip begun to glow ember.

“I think I’ve expended myself for your amusement enough for one day, thanks.”

“Oh, c’mon, what’s been bothering you lately? You’re so uptight.”

I struggled to remember why I had started a relationship with her in the first place. I seemed to recall thinking it would make my illusion that I was normal more intact, but most importantly, she came from a rich family, and could, with a long term relationship, supply funds. I snickered.

“What’s so funny?” She exhaled a cloud of smoke, and the wind dutifully whipped it into my eyes.

“Nothing. I really do need to go now, thanks.”

Before she could protest, I ran to my car and got in, blinking the smoke from my eyes.

I didn’t start up the engine yet. First, I admired the napkin I had been doodling on, scrunched up in my hand.

It was a moderately realistic drawing of Kristin, in the nude.

It also depicted her limbs wrenched away from her body, blood dripping from the stumps.
Last edited by Aet Lindling on Thu Oct 09, 2008 6:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
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Hey

I like the title of this, it's what made me click on it! It reminded me of the Virginia Andrews series, Flowers in the Attic, Petals in the Wind, etc..

Just a couple of suggestions anyway...so here goes

I doubt they do anymore, that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul.


After "anymore" I would replace that comma with a semi-colon as they are two separate clauses...it ads to the emphasis

They conduct large ceremonies, pretending to grieve, and every time they pretend, a twinge of guilt and fear arises in them, and they wonder if this is abnormal, and if they are a sociopath.


I would split this up into two sentences somewhere, as its hard to follow due to its length

They reassure themselves that this is not so, and that they just don’t fully realize that the loved one is gone yet, and as soon as it hits them, maybe as they are staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, they will break down sobbing, clutching their knees and feeling a hole in their heart.


The same for this MAMMOTH sentence! Lol!

It would only make them question my mental capacities, while secretly scared to death of the truth I have just uncovered.


It would only make them question my mental capacities, while secretly being scared to death of the truth I have just uncovered.

Sickly sweet is the rose with no thorns.


Very poignant....I like!

Will reveiw chapter one soon I promise!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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The prologue is really good. And so is the story. But the story is alittle dry in my opinion. Spice it up! Add a problem to it. More energy. I'm not biased or BSing you. I just have to read something with energy flowing through it. Feelings. The prologue was awesome. I loved it but the story? You're off to a good start. Keep it up. And I know you'll go far.




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Aet Lindling wrote:If someone dies, does anyone really care? I doubt they do anymore, that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul. And yet they pretend, they all pretend, trying to fit in with the other pretenders that don’t know they aren’t the only ones.

Dynamite prologue! That opening line is perfect and the first paragraph is really well written. It actually put a smile on my face as I was reading it because it was so well done :D
The voice of it is awesome! Nice job! :D

Aet Lindling wrote:I walked through the forest, feeling the sun shining down on me just enough to warm me perfectly. I inhaled the scents ((scent)) of the pine trees deeply, watching closely a butterfly that had lit upon a branch right in front of me. Its wings flapped slowly. I observed the beautiful deep blue pattern, leaning towards it.

From 'watching' to the end of that sentence doesn't read to well.
I experimented with some...try something to the effect of '...pine trees deeply and saw a butterfly land on a branch in front of me.' I think the rest would sound fine then.

Aet Lindling wrote:“Hello, Kristin.”

“Michael! Where are you? I’ve been sitting at our table for almost half an hour!” she scolded.

I winced at her whining tone of voice, and blankly replied that I had forgotten.

“Are you serious? Come on, get over here.”

I grunted and hung up the call.

I like this interaction, it's done well.

Aet Lindling wrote:After I parked ((I think parking would sound better)) my car, I had to look in a few restaurants before I remembered which one I was reserved at. I hurriedly gave my name to the maître d' and was promptly seated with an very annoyed-looking girl. Kristin was, for the time being, my girlfriend, though she had the approximate intelligence of the small appetizer on the plate in front of her.

Love the description of Kristin :D

I didn't bother to fix some of Kristin's dialogue because I figured it was just part of her character.
It wasn't that bad. Seriously, I've read worse.
To improve on it I think I would give more of the MC's thoughts as Kristin is talking. Why is he still with her even though he clearly doesn't like her? What is going through his mind when she says something completely stupid?
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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If someone dies, does anyone really care? I doubt they do anymore, that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul. And yet they pretend, they all pretend, trying to fit in with the other pretenders that don’t know they aren’t the only ones.


A bit repetitive? It was hard to follow, and it sounded like you were rambling.

I inhaled the scents of the pine trees deeply, watching closely a butterfly that had lit upon a branch right in front of me.


I don't like your wording. This, like most of your story, sound like your trying to hard to sound, proper, and trying to over-describe things.
Your use of "right in front of me" I felt, is unnecessary.

I glanced at the ID and flipped open the offending phone.


Your description here takes away from the sentence itself. saying the offending phone, I felt, was unnecessary and made the narrator sound over-dramatic.

The story was OK, there was nothing that really kept me going, I didn't really get attached to the story.

I don't really want to pick out all the exact quotes, but I felt the same way about most of the story.

It was a bit boring... try adding some conflict, something to keep the reader going.


I also thought the dialogue was a bit unrealistic. I can't imagine myself, or any of my friends using the dialogue.




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If someone dies, does anyone really care? I doubt they do anymore, that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul. And yet they pretend, they all pretend, trying to fit in with the other pretenders that don’t know they aren’t the only ones.


A bit repetitive? It was hard to follow, and it sounded like you were rambling.

I inhaled the scents of the pine trees deeply, watching closely a butterfly that had lit upon a branch right in front of me.


I don't like your wording. This, like most of your story, sound like your trying to hard to sound, proper, and trying to over-describe things.
Your use of "right in front of me" I felt, is unnecessary.

I glanced at the ID and flipped open the offending phone.


Your description here takes away from the sentence itself. saying the offending phone, I felt, was unnecessary and made the narrator sound over-dramatic.

The story was OK, there was nothing that really kept me going, I didn't really get attached to the story.

I don't really want to pick out all the exact quotes, but I felt the same way about most of the story.

It was a bit boring... try adding some conflict, something to keep the reader going.


I also thought the dialogue was a bit unrealistic. I can't imagine myself, or any of my friends using the dialogue.




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Aet Lindling wrote:If someone dies, does anyone really care? I doubt they do anymore; that emotion has long been quashed out of their soul.


"Quashed out of their soul" seems awkwardly worded to me. Got any other ideas?

And yet they pretend--they all pretend--trying to fit in with the other pretenders that don’t know they aren’t the only ones.


I feel no need to uncover any truth; what I have just detailed here is only one of many that I am perfectly fine with letting humanity plunge themselves into the ground denying.


I like the prologue. You've got a good start here, and I can only assume it's going to get better.


I walked through the forest, feeling the sun shining down on me just enough to warm me perfectly. I inhaled the scent of the pine trees deeply, noticing a butterfly landing on a branch in front of me. I leaned towards it, hypnotized by the beautiful deep blue pattern.

A loud buzzing sound came from my shirt pocket. I shoved my hand in and attempted to silence my cell, but it was too late. The butterfly, startled, had flown off. I glanced at the ID and flipped open the offending phone.

“Hello, Kristin.”

“Michael! Where are you? I’ve been sitting at our table for almost half an hour!” she scolded.

I winced at her whining tone of voice, and blankly replied that I had forgotten.

“Are you serious? Come on, get over here.”

I grunted and hung up the call.


Beautiful! I can't really find anything wrong with this section. It's pretty much amazing, and a good follow up to the prologue.



After parking my car, I had to look in a few restaurants before I remembered which one I was reserved at.


Being nitpicky here and saying that you should try to avoid ending sentences with prepositions. In dialogue it's okay, since it is how people talk, but in narrative, try to avoid it.

Kristin was, for the time being, my girlfriend, though she had the approximate intelligence of the small appetizer on the plate in front of her.


Ouch. Nice metaphor.

I didn’t start up the engine yet. First, I admired the napkin I had been doodling on, scrunched up in my hand.

It was a moderately realistic drawing of Kristin, in the nude.

It also depicted her limbs wrenched away from her body, blood dripping from the stumps.


And that's where chapter one ends? Unfair.


I like it so far. There's just a couple of little things with punctuation that will become obvious with a read through. Other than that, keep it up. I'm enjoying it.

kf



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