Bloodlust

I forgot to say; one of your best factors in this story was the end. It was not what we expected. We didn't know that she was a vampire until the very end, and so this was very effective. I'm glad you did it that way.

-Kirsten xxx

Ok; I'm not going to do all the tab things at the bottom characterization. narrative voice Grammar etc instead I'll just go through it as it comes

I have to say Lucyy, it's so, so, so much better now It was really good to begin with, now it's incredible



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Why did he send me here? Frustration and uncertainty filled my every bone. I love this so much more as an opening sentence. It works much better.

Is it some kind of test? I discarded this thought away as soon as it surfaced in my jumbled brain; he would never choose to test me this way – it was inhumane. Sighing, I looked up at the neglected house. Shivers tingled down my spine as I studied the decaying walls; the spindly ivy that clung desperately to the crumbling bricks; the two storeys of grimy windows were like disapproving eyes peering down at me.I have to say, this is so much better. The imagery is beautiful and it just feels right. Parfait

A gust of wind suddenly whipped my slimy strands of hair around my face. I froze where I stood: a glorious smell assaulted my nostrils and had my reluctant body moving back towards the imposing, ancient manor. moent I forgot everything: what brought me to this house and why I was there – I could no longer remember. All that mattered to me now was the tormenting scent. This paragraph, again, works so much better than the first draft. Really, it does

As I approached the rusted metal gate, I slowed my footsteps and brushed my fingertips lightly over the edges before pushing it impatiently out of my way. I had to get closer to the derelict house and that smell.

The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me. I didn’t know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps. Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; inky black paint peeled away at the edges from years of being neglected and ravaged by storms. I willed my ivory hand towards the door, but my palm refused to obey me. Instead, it stayed limp at my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?

Decisively, my eager hands pushed with all their force upon the brittle wooden door. It fell to the floor with a resounding crash. A loud shriek emitted from somewhere above me; it grated on my ears and had my misted breaths and frantic pulse racing. I stepped into the house and my bare toes curled in protest at being placed on the cold stone floor. Inquisitively, I tilted my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming. It intrigued me. No sooner had I took a step further into the dark hallway that the squealing stopped abruptly. Frowning, I wondered why it had stopped. The silence was pressing down upon me; I had to find the source of that shrill noise.

I looked towards the staircase, robed in majesty, dark mahogany banisters twisting upwards and into the unknown. I took three delicate steps towards it, feeling the moistness in the air wrap around me like sodden robes. That delectable scent strengthened as I neared the scarlet carpeted stairway; it made my desiccated mouth water and my steps quicken. My nostrils were itching to be quenched. Woah! So much better than the last, seriously, so

My steps were tentative as I made my way up into the gloominess, my toes relishing the feel of the luxuriously carpeted stairs. I came to an immediate halt on the top step. I could no longer see beyond the tip of my nose. Involuntarily, I squinted slightly to see in the shadowy darkness; the gloomy landing looked as though it had hidden years of secrets – I was almost waiting for a pallid ghost to glide across before me and slide nonchalantly through one of the three closed doors that lay in front of me. As I took a closer look, I saw that all three doors were scorched, as though they had suffered from hot flames licking away at them. Not for the first time, I wondered how this house could still be standing. But now it was not important: all other thoughts washed away as I rapidly smelt upon the enticing scent thick in the air. I looked frantically upon the blocked doors in front of me, taunting me. Which one should I go into? I walked warily towards the door straight in front of me, the scent in the air urging me on. I was now in front of the door. My trembling hands grasped uncertainly upon the brass doorknob. I turned it. It was unlocked. Pushing on the blistered wooden door, I crouched defensively, ready to protect myself. The door swung open slowly, as though teasing me. I waited impatiently in the doorway, the delicious smell strong in the air. The door was now fully open.

Something was in the middle of the dimly lit room: it looked like a mangled heap of dishcloths. Puzzled, I moved vigilantly into the room, wanting to inspect the unknown thing laid out ungainly in the middle of the carpeted floor. The heap shifted. Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. Instantaneously, I realised what the mangled heap was: it was a human. To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming. It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened.

Walking fully into the room, I strode over to the person cowering on the floor. I placed my frosty fingertips upon its shoulder: she shivered at my icy touch. Her frightened face was looking back at me – her green eyes ablaze with dread. It was as though she knew what I was. Ignoring the terrified expression on her face, my eyes locked on her bare neck and at the thick vein pulsing heavily with blood and adrenaline. The scent was now stronger than ever. Bloodlust took over me and my glacial fingertips grabbed either side of her neck and I bit down into the thick vein. Warm blood gushed into my frozen mouth, thawing it out. One taste wouldn’t be enough. The hot liquid was blistering my mouth: I couldn’t get enough of it.

I felt her body twitch and struggle uselessly beneath me. I tightened my grip on her nonetheless. Soon her weak body was limp – dead. I had drained her, not only of blood but of life as well.

I straightened up and looked at the girl who lay dead in front of me. She was pretty. She looked strangely vulnerable laying there, her thick brown locks in disarray around her heart shaped face.

I turned my back on this haunting image; I would not feel guilty.

As I stood to my feet, wiping my bloody, scarlet fingers down my tattered and ripped clothes, a slight movement caught the corner of my eye. Manically, I flung the door open and gasped at the sight of the disfigured face staring down at me.


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This was so, so much better than the last version. The description and imagery is perfect. You've just, just got it right. Absolutely right. It flows well, the characters are better developed... everything. Everything is just better. I can't really say much more about it other than well done! It is a hundred million times better than the first.

The first was good.

This is great

-Kirsten xxx

Well, I just realized that you have edited like the entire thing so I decided to post this useless review anyway and get working on the next one. Sorry about this

Hey, luc! Gosh, I must seriously be working at a glacial pace because it took me forever to finally finish editing this. I think it might just me being slow

Anyway, hopefully I am forgiven for imitating a turtle lately and I see that you have a lot of reviews on this so I might not be much of help but I’ll try my best

Silence: slowly I looked up at the neglected old house, a nice smell assaulted my nostrils.

I’m not the best with the actually structure with things but that colon after “silence” caught my eye right away and kind of stuck out. I’m not sure but I think a period would work a whole lot better and make a greater impact in the whole atmosphere/feel that you have created.

I was curious as to how I got there. I could not remember.

This is really choppy. I would combine these two sentences like so: I was curious as to how I got here for I had no memory or recollection of how I ended up here.
Also, I would work on elaborating more on her lapse in memory. Does this worry her? Or is she nonchalant about it? Explain

Not even knowing how I got there, I was soon standing in front of the eerie house, my alabaster hand outstretched. My hand fell limply to my side: I didn’t know what to do.

Okay, a few things here. First, she says that she holds up her hand then she drops it. That transition is really rough. Maybe try: …my alabaster hand outstretched. Then, my hand fell limply to my side, suddenly baffled for no particular reason. or something like that.
Also, you have that colon thing in there. I would only use colons when you are continuing with an explanation of something. Instead of a colon here, I would either use a plain period or a semicolon.

The shrill screaming stopped abruptly.

You use “screaming” quite a bit up till here. I would use something else just to vary it up

I looked towards the mysterious, majestic staircase twisting precipitously upwards and around into the enigmatic unknown.

Wow, what a description you have, Luc! This is very good, but sometimes, these things overwhelm the reader. Yes, keep this! But also, maybe add a little elaboration into why you described these stairs in those terms. Like why does she view it as majestic? Do the railings gleam? Do the stairs turn gracefully as if descending from a different age in time? Stuff like that add to your already amazing descriptions, making it flow even better.

The gloomy landing was sinister looking, creaming out to all that it should not be entered: it should remain untouched.

First, I’m not sure I favor “creaming” here. I think you mean it in a way like “oozing” or something right? If not, I would just try to really figure out what you are trying to bring across and then find an appropriate word. And if “creaming” is it, keep it! I think part of my disfavor for it is that I’m not sure what you description is trying to tell the reader here. I get that the landing is giving off a creepy unknown feeling but that’s it. Is the feeling as if she is stepping onto protected bury grounds where she fears ghosts of her past to haunt her? Or is it more of a quiet atmosphere, where it feels like this house has been vacant for years? Either way, you need to figure out where you want the atmosphere to go from here But good descriptions so far!

Which one should I go into?

Okay, if she could smell the scent from below, wouldn’t she be able to pinpoint exactly where it was the closer she got? I’m guessing that she is a vampire, and if I’m wrong, ignore this comment, but I would just be aware that you have to capture the essence of your character while also setting the pace and scenery. But I know you can do all that, luc. I’m just being overly critical today for no apparent reason, so I apologize

It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened.

Yes, I’m making another overly critical statement, but I think the reader can understand the human’s frightened just by the heartbeat comment. I don’t think the next statement that follows it is needed. Just a suggestion, I guess.

I would not feel guilty. It wasn’t my fault I was a vampire.

I really enjoy this ending statement. Nobody ever zeroes in on vampire’s feelings when it comes to feeding. They never go on the other side as you have (at least from the few work I have read about this subject ) They always make it out like the vampire feel’s sad about what they have commited. So I like this other side. It was a nice touch

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What do you think of this being a prologue/preface?

Well, I found it enjoyable, as all your work is, luc My only suggestion is this:

Watch your “LY” words. I noticed more than usual that you use them in abundance. They are okay used in minimum throughout the whole piece, but it sounded to me like it was every other word. I would cut down on that and you’ll be good.

Oh, and just be careful at the end how quickly the vampire was curious about the human and the next it turned into an emotionless droid, sucking the poor girl dry. Just make sure to keep the character real and 3D.

Good Luck with the continuation of this!

Sorry, luc, about the previous review. I loaded it today, edited it, and returned to find out that you had already corrected it. So I guess just read through the above one, take the things I said into account and turn to this one for specifics

The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me. I didn’t know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps.

This transition is abrupt and kind of choppy. Maybe try: The black doorway appeared unexpectedly in front of me. I had been too consumed with my thoughts to pay attention to where I was going, and I had no recollection of even reaching the steps. My senses were all attuned to that wondrous scent awaiting inside. or something like that.

My nostrils were itching to be quenched.

I know what you mean about her wanting the scent to fill her nose fully… yet I find this kind of worded funny. Part of me loves this sentence, thinks it beautifully written, and the other side thinks that you could use some rewording. I guess I leave this up to you.

Involuntarily, I squinted slightly to see in the shadowy darkness; the gloomy landing looked as though it had hidden years of secrets – I was almost waiting for a pallid ghost to glide across before me and slide nonchalantly through one of the three closed doors that lay in front of me.

This is a really long sentence, yet I love every bit of it. So not to change any of it, just change the semicolon after darkness to a period and you’ll be good
Also, this is quite funny, because I mentioned a lot about your previous draft and how I thought you should go into more detail here. You fixed everything before I even got a chance to comment on them hehe It’s like you read my mind before I posted.

It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I said that the second sentence is not needed because the reader can understand as much from the first statement.

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What do you think of this being a prologue/preface?

I definitely enjoyed this rewrite a whole lot better. You added a lot more depth and insight to your story and gave it its own individual fingerprint, making it an original piece.

Nice work, luc!

Thank you so much, ash for your two reviews!! You're too sweet to take all that time on this piece of work, so thank you (:
Also, thanks for your two great reviews, they'll definitely come in very helpful. And, haha, I'm kinda good at the whole mind reading thing hehe. I'm glad you prefered the re-write (it took me all day =P ) and just thank you again for your awesome reviews - I just can't get enough of them!!
--Lucyy xx

** I have moved this to the Romantic Fiction Forum

*Locked*

Next time, tell a mod to move it.