Bloodlust

**This has been moved to the Romantic Fiction Forum

Hey...not sure whether this is particularly legal but I wish this I knew this site was around when I was doing my GCSE's....it's like a little godsend I suppose...but anyway!

I took a quick step towards the rusted metal gate, brushing my fingertips lightly over the rough edges.

I love the fact you have incorporated the sense of touching into your work. This is often lost in this type of piece but you've used it to your advantage. Nice one mrs!

I was now impatient, wanting to get closer to the derelict house and the mouth-watering scent tantalizing me.

I would say, "the mouth-watering scent was tantalizing me.

Not even knowing how I got there, I was stood in front of the creepy house, my pale hand outstretched.

For GCSE standard, i think "creepy" is rather colloquial and you can think of a better, more descriptive adjective to use in its place

I walked cautiously up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; the black paint was peeling away at the edges through months of neglect and storms.

Try not to overuse semi-colons. A full stop would suffice here dear. And colons in other places...have a read through and do a count. No more than two of each in a piece of writing this short, I reckon.

The rest of it is good, usually people go off the mark at the end but not you! Lol, I'll put fresh eyes on it tomoro though if you want me to!

Aww thank you & I totally get the 'creepy' thing - I just couldn't think of a better wrod at that moment
& lol I'm not after cheating, this'll be my own work, but I just wanted to hear what people thought of it & if i could do anything better
Anyhooo thank you so much for your review,
Lucyy xx

Cool story, though not overly creepy, it was good. I think you would benefit by showing instead of telling a little more. Also, you said described the vampire's skin as being pale at least four times; maybe you could describe it as alabaster or ivory instead. Anyway, I liked the way you described "toes curling in protest" and "glacial fingertips". Nice!

Hey Lucyy-

Okay I'm just gonna go ahead and review your work and then tell you more.

[quote]I was stood in front

You did this twice. I think you were either trying to say- I stood in front or I was standing in front.

[quote]The enticing scent was now thick in the air around me, taunting me

I think you should've describe the scent more. I know that it was so enticing you couldn't wait to taste it, but what exactly did it smell like. Apples, cake, perfume? After this you described the character's hands like 5 times, they have pale skin.

Okay now that all of that reviewing is over I'm going to apologize if I've been really harsh. To be honest I loved your story. I think at times it was just a tad awkward, but it was great and I read it because all of your other works were great. PLEASE KEEP WRITING!

-Moony

thatannagirl --
thank you for reading my work, and good point, I will try and vary my words: I did kinda overdo the whole 'I have pale hands' thing oops d:

in_the_moonlight --
You weren't harsh at all!! Thank you for reading this and pointing out those points - they're very valid (: & thank you, you are too sweet, I'm glad you like my work

Lucyy xx

Can you do me a favour lucyy and post the edited one as soon as you can...I like to know how they turn out and I will be bugging you for news from your teachers and stuff and I want to know what mark you get and all sorts! I'm a pain in the bottom I know but at least I'm dedicated. There are worse things I could be!

Yes, of course I can!! I'm just flattered you're so interested Thank you for being so dedicated d:
I hand in my first draft to my teacher on Tuesday, then I will have to wait for her to mark it ... but I will let you know about it as soon as I do!! (:
Lucyy xx

Besides the fact that it was obvious that the main character was a vampire, that a beautiful girl is alone in a building that is all but falling apart, that she screamed for no apparent reason. . .

This story was alright.

Imagery was fantastic in the beginning, though it fell short towards the end - understandable, considering the 600 word limit. Also, almost every new paragraph starts with "I" - a gifted writer such as yourself should surely be capable enough to substitute different words therein?

All in all, a nice short story - it kept me interested enough to read all the way through it.

By all means, I'm not a teacher, but judging by how my teacher marks my work, you should get a fairly decent mark for this. It's appalling how badly some of my fellow class mates write. A/B is guaranteed - if you got a C, I would be surprised.

Cheers, Jai

Besides the fact that it was obvious that the main character was a vampire, that a beautiful girl is alone in a building that is all but falling apart, that she screamed for no apparent reason. . .

Oh my goodness! You're right! I can't believe I didn't catch that.

Valid point, seeminglymeaningless, valid point. Also, Lucyy, you're welcome. I enjoyed reading it.

seeminglymeaningless --
Thank you for reading it, and good points, but the point of this story was description, so I didn't pay much attention to the storyline as I normally would. And thank you, I'm gald you liked my imagery & I would be extremely happy if I got those grades Thank you again for reading this.

thatannagirl --
I'm glad you enjoyed reading this

Lucyy xx

and crouched in a defensive position

i know you didnt want detailed critiques but i just wanted to point this out
try: "and crouched defensively"
sorry, couldn't help myself, thought it could help.

loved the story dont usually read horror, but that was cool (:
then again, im partly disturbed so...

loved the end

-grimy

grimy89098 --
No worries, thank you for pointing it out and also reading this (: I gave it in to my teacher today, so I will hopefully know what grade I got soonish
Thank you so much for reading it & I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
Lucyy xx

Ooooh! Grades = suspense. Let us know how you do.

I will do