how I survived high school: Chapter 2; part 1

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Sorry if it is too long. I'll post the other part of this chapter soon. Reading the previous chapter will help you understand the story better but you can start from here if you wish. Hope you enjoy!!

Chapter 2.....The picnic

I reached home after the tiring day at school of doing absolutely nothing. When I entered my room, I heard my cell ringing. There was only one person who could call me at this time, right after school. I tossed my bag on my study carelessly and rushed to receive Aanam’s call. I took the cell in my hands and saw Aanam’s photo flashing on the screen. She was pretty! She had perfect hair, perfect smile and, I am pretty sure, the perfect reason to call me.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I asked receiving her call.
“Nothing, I was feeling bored so called you,” She said from the other end of the phone.
There it was. The perfect reason, just the reason I had expected from her.
Her voice didn’t sound the least like she was bored in fact, it sounded like she was super excited and ready to run for the Olympics. But I guessed she needed to call me so she had to give a reason.
“So you excited for the picnic next week?”
“What picnic?” I asked amazed.
“Weren't you paying attention in class?” Aanam enquired, knowing me very well.
“You think I would give a damn about what the teacher’s saying?” I asked making the answer very obvious.
“Well, all three teachers of the seventh grade have organised a trip to some weird plantation.”
“They make us suffer one whole year without any tours and now, when the year is about to end, they plan some educational trip to a plantation. Great! That’s just great,” I said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice as I picked up the remote control and began channel surfing.
“Come on now, don’t grumble. At least, we’ll get a break from all the studying we do.”
“You mean all the studying you do.”
Aanam ignored that comment and I moved on to the gossip session of our talks.
“You won’t guess who Tina has a crush on.” Tina was just another girl from my class.
“Who?” Aanam asked curiously.
“Its josh.”
“No way. Shut up!” she exclaimed.
“Yeah, If Leandra hears this, she’s gonna kill her,” I laughed.
Aanam chuckled.
Josh was a ninth grader and one of the vice captains of the school. The students of our school had elected four captains and four vice captains, who were supposed to be in charge of discipline amongst students, sports and other stuff that teachers thought was important.
Leandra had a huge crush on Josh. She had told us this after hours of pestering her. I still remember the day when she refused to tell us who she had a crush on. We had haunted her for hours till she admitted it.
Josh had small eyes and a straight nose. He was quite short for his age. And Leandra would have killed me to say this, but he was quite girly at times. Although, I must admit he looked cute.
Aanam and I continued our pointless talks for the next hour until I realised my mom was scolding me for not changing my uniform the minute I got home from school.
“Gotta go. Call you later.” I said as I cut the phone and switched off the television.
*****************************************
The days flew by quickly, as nothing significant happened in my life. Also, there were the regular taunts by Selena, my class teacher. I never really got it. I had done nothing in the world that harmed her in any way but she always seemed to have something against me. If only, the teachers were better I would have at least paid more attention in my studies, but there was no such luck.
The day of the picnic dawned very quickly. I arrived in school- partially excited that today Aanam, Leandra and I could spend some time together, which was practically impossible due to being in different classes.
The three of us stood in the scorching heat at around 9.00 am in the premises of our school. There was excited chatter and laughter around us. Kids were shouting and struggling to hear each other in the deafening noises. We were divided into two separate groups and made to cram in our school bus. Fortunately, the three of us were in the same group. There is nothing much to describe about the journey to the plantation. It was sweaty and sticky. It might have something to do with the fact none of us could catch a seat.
*****************************************
When we got off the bus after a tiring journey of two hours, we saw that the place was a barren wasteland. Some plantation this was, I wondered. The wind blew in our faces and through our hair. There were patches of grass here and there.
“Polo?” Leandra asked, adjusting her backpack on her shoulders.
“Yeah. I need something sweet,” I replied tossing the mint in my mouth and passing it to Aanam.
We were all polo addicts and I can say that because one day without polo meant one day of suffering.
“How much more do we need to walk?” Aanam asked as we marched up the hill in a single file.
“You like to roam up and down in the corridors otherwise. Why are you grumbling about such a small distance,” Selena taunted, getting hold of the opportunity.
I couldn’t disagree because it was true. So instead, we decided to ignore the comment and keep walking. First, we thought it was going to be the same all around until we reached a spot where there were signs of cultivation. The scene was becoming greener and it was starting to look more like a plantation as we kept on climbing up the slope.
We stopped when we reached a place, something that looked like a big hall on top of the hill. Its entrance was an archway, there wasn’t any door. Painted seats made of rocks welcomed us in. The interior was huge and dusty and the walls were blackened. There were rooms around the hall and a vast dried up pool in the centre. There wasn’t much furniture around except a heavy, dusty, locked treasure chest.
*****************************************
The boys were playing football with an old bottle and the rest were exploring the place. They discovered a series of stairs and a quite place at the back. The guys always did most of the cool stuff while the girls sat on the seats at the entrance playing a game of dumb charades.
“Can we join?” Leandra chirped, joining the group without bothering for the answer. Aanam and I followed, deciding to give it a try. The girls targeted me and one of them whispered in my ear to act out “lord of the rings.” I went ahead and showed them my fingers, indicating rings.
“Fingers!” someone exclaimed.
“Hands!”
“ooh …ohh….skin!”
I made an irritated face and nodded my head. Then I tried acting like a lord, making a face and pretending like I rule the world. I wasn’t really good acting.
“King?”
I made an excited face and nodded, signalling they were close.
“Queen…”
“Prince….or princess???”
I sighed.
*****************************************
The game dragged on, becoming duller by the minute. Finally it reached a point where it was unbearable.
“Let’s go for a walk?” Leandra suggested, probably sensing the boredom that was so clearly seen on our faces.
“Please,” I muttered under my breath.
The three of us got up and headed towards the stairs to explore the place around, rather than sitting and guessing names of movies.
“Look at these three. Can’t live without each other,” One of the teachers complained, as if it was a bad thing. Thankfully, Selena did not say anything this time.
We tried to plaster a fake smile on our faces but Leandra just walked away without giving the teacher a second look. I hated it when someone labelled us like that but deep down, it made me proud to have such friends.
Last edited by fun4eva on Fri Oct 03, 2008 4:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey, fun. Glad to reivew this at last.

I reached home after the tiring day at school of doing absolutely nothing.

Good start. It was humorous.

“Yeah, so what’s up?” I asked receiving her call.

Cut the 'so', it doesn't make a flow.

“Were you paying attention in class?” Aanam enquired, knowing me very well.

This should be 'Weren't you paying attention in the class'

“You think I would ever give a damn about what the teacher’s saying?”

The 'ever' part doesn't flow well with the sentence.

Aanam ignored that comment and moved on to the gossip session of our talks.
“You won’t guess who Tina has a crush on.” Tina was just another girl from my class.

Who says the 'Comment' It seems like it's being said by Aanam, but then she is the one who is replying also. Please, change it.

Aanam and I continued our pointless talks for the next 1 hour when I realised my mom was scolding me for not changing my uniform the minute I got home from school.

You can't say, 'next 1 hour.' It should be 'next hour' And it shouldn't be 'when', it should be 'till'

It was fun, although none of us could catch a seat.

I don't believe that it would be fun if you were crammed in a swealteringly hot bus and being tired and sweaty.

After a tiring journey of two hours, when we got off the bus, we saw the place was barren

Ooh, wrong grammer. This should be 'When we got off the bus after a tiring journey of two ours, we saw that the place was a barren wasteland'

I couldn’t disagree because it was true so instead, we decided to ignore the comment and keep walking.

This should be two sentences. After 'true' there should be a period.

The scene was becoming greener and it was starting to look more like a plantation as we kep climbing up the slope.

It should be 'kept on'

Well, it was good. Some mistakes were there so, mind you that you fix those.

Good luck. :D
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Thanks a lot Chirantha!!
I made the changes you told me too....




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Hey. Glad to see that you posted chapter 2 :) *glow eyes*
First grammar:
It miught have something to do with the fact none of us could catch a seat.

It's "might" not "miught".

Now the writing part:
“Nothing, I was feeling bored so called you,” She said from the other end of the phone.

add - I could feel a touch of tiredness in her voice... or she was just way to bored.
- Seriously. Describe everything that you can.
“What picnic?” I asked amazed.

- What were you doing in that time?
I asked amazed winnowing my right hand in the air in a gesture of confusion.

Kids were shouting, screaming and even whispering.

Change. "...and even whispering." - This tells the reader that in that rattling mass of people some persons where whispering - you kinda whisper when you are in silence.
Kids were shouting all over the place. Some of them started to actually scream in each others ears trying to make themselves clear in their conversation. It was, literally, hell on earth... at least in my school it was. - Something like that.

Well you need more description of those actions that you, your friends make. As well with the other characters that take a share in those actions.

Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

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Good going.....the changes work perfectly.
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.




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There was only one person who could call me at this time, right after school.


-That should either read "is" instead of was, or "would" instead of "could".

Alright, i guess I have a couple overarching criticisms of the first couple chapters

1. Be careful of empty sentences. When you're writing, ask yourself, what's this sentence or piece of dialouge doing for the reader. If the answer is "nothing" or "I'm not sure" chop that sentence out. If it stays there it just kinda fills space and bores the reader. Here's some examples of what I'm talking about:
She was pretty!

But I guessed she needed to call me so she had to give a reason.

I couldn’t disagree because it was true.

said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice

Take this out. If the conversation can't convey the sarcasm (and it does) you aren't doing a good enough job in your tone.

I don't think any of these do anything except pad a word count.

2. Is very generic, and I'm sure you'll get sick of hearing it but pretty much show more, tell less. there are a lot of little moments throughout your story so far that could act as little flashbacks or bits that can more deeply flesh out characters. For example:

Leandra had a huge crush on Josh. She had told us this after hours of pestering her. I still remember the day when she refused to tell us who she had a crush on. We had haunted her for hours till she admitted it.


That could be something a whole lot more. This attitude causes you to run into problems with characters like Selena, who with the bare bones detail, come of shallow and unbelievable. I've had a lot of teachers and none of them made unprofessional snide comments for "no reason". In fact, there's not a whole ton of depth to any of the characters to distinguish them from one another. I mean, the main character is kinda forgetful sure, Aanam is enthusiastic, but they don't really jump off the computer screen as individual human beings.

I think it's got promise, there are some pretty funny bits of dialouge between the kids. Sorry I took so long to get to these reviews. Good luck with your story!



Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi