Frozen lakes and sugar cakes

Frozen lakes and sugar cakes
Daffodils and paint spills
Computer screens and fairy dreams
First loves and silver doves...

Falling snow and cupids bow
Dusty books and dirty looks
Sweet smiles and a thousand miles
Second thoughts and astronauts

Touching hands and awesome bands
Tons of makeup and green ketchup
Summer nights and lovers fights
Apologies and allergies

Hissing cats and sneezing hats
Joke shops and lollipops
Shaking hands and golden sands
Clear blue skies and tearful goodbyes...

cutsie and leaves that warm feeling in your tummy...no corrections as such but I do have one or two suggestions....

Tons of makeup and green ketchup

Don't like the word "tons"...lol

Tearful goodbyes and clear blue skies...

I'd change this round to say "Clear blue skies and tearful goodbyes"
Just seems a more apt ending...

I liked the meter and stuff, well done!

I took your advise and changed the last line - i think it looks and sounds better! thanain for your nice review

I think this is very god
I like the way it captures the smaller things in life, all the little thihngs tht make up the bigger picture
=]
Its gooood

xxx

I think this is very god
I like the way it captures the smaller things in life, all the little thihngs tht make up the bigger picture
=]
Its gooood
I certainly liek the title aswel its goives it a childish but cute view on the poem-the situation , almost like leaving the childhood behnd to move onto first love
xxx

Thanks, i love this poem, ive written loads of poems in the past and this has to be one of my favourites
thankyou all for your nice comments! i love nice reviews

this is a really sweet poem...it's just so much fun to read, and there is a certain tranquil, joyful atmosphere about it that i love.

i can only make one complaint, and this may be just me and my pet peeves:

"Tons of makeup and green ketchup"

Okay, well, green ketchup just gives me a kind of ugly picture, but i know there isn't many things to rhyme with "makeup". I guess i would have just stuck with what is natural, and said crimson ketchup or somethin. but that's just me.

otherwise, there is nothing else i can say about his poem other than you did a great job with it, and thanks for the great read!

Lol the green ketchup was a tricky thing to put in... but i only put it there because green ketchup is actually real and it tastes gorgeose! lol i know i got some crit about the tons of makeup thing but thats really about growing up, you just slap the stuff on until you realise you dont need to sufficate your own face to look beautiful! thankya all for ur sweet comments and reviews!

xGraceex wrote:Frozen lakes and sugar cakes
Daffodils and paint spills
Computer screens and fairy dreams
First loves and silver doves...

paint spills doesnt really work here, because it implies randomness and negativity among the other, orderly and perfect descriptions in this section. if its actually supposed to represent something, let me know because i sure cant figure it out by reading this.

take out "computer screens", it completely disrupts from the romantic theme of the rest of the stanza. look at it this way: you were sitting in a sunny field of sprouting flowers, watching a gleaming lake of ice which beautiful doves and dreams of love are flying over. suddenly, you pull out your laptop and check your email. kind of takes away from the mood, doesn't it?

Falling snow and cupids bow
Dusty books and dirty looks
Sweet smiles and a thousand miles
Second thoughts and astronauts

"cupids bow" works if your referring to the angels in heaven bowing to your infinite love or something...please tell me that's what it was and not like a bow and arrow. because if it was a bow-and-arrow type bow, i would say that its cliched.

i'm seeing something unfolding in this poem and i'm not sure if it was intentional or not. what your doing is: every line switches between happiness/heaven and sorrow. for example, the stanza here. the first line is tranquility, second line is distrust, third line is coyness and quiet love, fourth line is doubt. if this is what your trying to do, i commend you for including such subtle perspective in your poem. if not...well, good job doing it unknowingly because it sounds great.

Touching hands and awesome bands
Tons of makeup and green ketchup
Summer nights and lovers fights
Apologies and allergies

Hissing cats and sneezing hats
Joke shops and lollipops
Shaking hands and golden sands
Clear blue skies and tearful goodbyes...

i would say take out "tearful goodbyes" and replace it with "torn goodbyes" or "downcast goodbyes". sounds more lyrical.

see, again i'm noticing the trend where one line is happy, second line is sad, so on and so forth. this is a good thing. in fact, its a wonderful thing that i haven't seen in many poems so far. my only complaint about this concept is that for some reason, the trend breaks in your first paragraph but is present in all others. make it visible in all of your paragraphs.

yep, there's my critique. this needs plenty of working but i won't deny that its miles better than the other poem of yours that i critiqued (take that as a compliment).

lol you are a reallyhard person to please! oh well, i did try to make is as possible, it wasnt meant to be about true love, it was about growing up in the twenty first century and computer screens is in that area! lol thanks for your review, it was very helpful

This is really great work!! Most of the poetry in this section is rather depressing, it's refreshing to read soemthing that's all about love.

One thing that REALLY bugged me... I haven't read the other comments, I am sure this has been mentioned... "Tons of makeup and green ketchup." Makeup and ketchup do not rhyme.

Otherwise, this is a great poem, full of emotion and well-written. Your creativity is incredible!! I would suggest working on your technique and rhythm so that the pieces fit together better.

Good work, keep writing!!
-KK

Very cute poem. Much more light-hearted than the previous two poems I read of yours.

I agree with KookieKatie about Make-up and Ketchup. I'm not a big fan of imperfect rhymes, but there aren't many words that rhyme with Make-up.

I know you don't like grammar corrections, but I just have a few.

Falling snow and cupids bow

"cupids" should be capitalized and possesive.

Summer nights and lovers fights

"lover's"

Hissing cats and sneezing hats

for some reason, I really like this line. I think I like picturing sneezing hats.


Other than that, I found no mistakes. Your rhyming pattern was consistant, and your stanzas were equal in length.

And I like the line of paint spills. They aren't always negative, sometimes they can be very pretty, especially if it doesn't matter. This poem sort of has that feeling: everything's good and nothing is any big deal.

Good writing as usual.

-Sea-

Good day xGraceex,

I found this poem really heartwarming, it reminded me of being smaller. But i never wore makeup and probably never will haha. I'm Oh-natural . I'm actually okay with the not rhyming part with ketchup and makeup, but that's just me. I'd probably do worse then you haha I don't know why but, I'm in love with this. It's just so memorable and makes you think, i like how you used the smaller things in life rather then bigger.
great job!

I've seen you around here multiple times and always love your work, but I'm always short on time. I've finally got a one week break yay! If you ever want anything reviewed be sure to message me and I'll be up for it ;]

Well any-who hope you have a spectacular day

With all due respect,

Mackenzie

A really cute poem indeed. It's nice to have a break from reading lonely, depressing and throughly sad poems of yours. You used a great way to make this poem. I mean, every thing seems to connect. Reminds me of that song about 'My favourite things' It's such a happy poem and it's easy to find it's rhyme. Great work.

Frozen lakes and sugar cakes (,)
Daffodils and paint spills (,)
Computer screens and fairy dreams (Haha, this one was great.)
First loves and silver doves...

Falling snow and cupids bow (,)
Dusty books and dirty looks (Great rhyming here)
Sweet smiles and a thousand miles
Second thoughts and astronauts

Touching hands and awesome bands
Tons of makeup and green ketchup (I don't know why everybody is saying that these two don't match. I think they match perfectly with each other)
Summer nights and lovers fights
Apologies and allergies (you could have written this the opposite side)

Hissing cats and sneezing hats
Joke shops and lollipops
Shaking hands and golden sands
Clear blue skies and tearful goodbyes... (This line was great for the end)

Well, I think this was a really nice, playful, cute poem. It's all about rhyming here. No meaning. Jut rhyming. Well done.

And good luck.

This is one of those poems which I want to illustrate. It's so light-hearted and simple but you have to smile when you read it.

Already told, you need to add the commas dear.

Amazing the way so many colourful pictures form without much description from the poet.

Sweet smiles and a thousand miles

Wish you'd rhyme something else, smile and mile are quite cliched.

Hissing cats and sneezing hats

^^ Loved that!!

Falling snow and cupids bow

Beautiful...

Shaking hands and golden sands

I don't know, plural form sounds strange, I mean "sand grains" is Ok (of course it would not fit in this poem) but sands...you could make the hands into hand and then sands into sand, as it is, plural words' rhymes sounds a bit lame. >.<

Clear blue skies and tearful goodbyes

I'm not an expert but the meter of the poem gets spoilt here. Shorten the phrases please.

Otherwise, good job hats (not sneezing ones though) off to you !!

A very refreshing read.

~Meow, Sohini.