BloodLust chapter 1 part 1

Yes thanks for the help. and yes i need to work on that personalization thing. although i cannot do it in this chapter i look forward in doing it in the next chapter. Thanks for all the help of all who have reviewed my story. I will post the second chapter soon. Trust me.

ever since that day...

I see you changed the sentence before that, so you need to capitalise "ever."

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in.

So you're in the tree, but you're leaning against the trunk (outside) of the tree? Or are you leaning against the inside of the tree? LoL, that just confused me a little

A vampire yawning....

I see you capitalise Vampire in this story everywhere except here. Capitalise it, too.

I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around.

I think there's some new English rule that says that you don't need a comma before the conjuction in a list of things, but I would put one after "eyes" anyway. (I never did agree with that rule anyway...)

I turned sideways to open my mouth and spit some blood, that probably did not belong to me.

Take out the comma; it's not needed.

The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

Once again, remove the comma. "The thought...what I was" is the subject of the sentence, so there isn't any need for a comma.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

Period at the end.

Help me God

Period or exclamation point at the end and a comma after "me." It's a direct address since the character is talking "to" God.

I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran.

Change the comma to a semicolon or a period. It's a comma splice and a run-on sentence.

As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it.

Comma after "did," and the second sentence is just a fragment. Try "As I did, I saw a window to my right - a little high but it was worth it."

The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, but to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down.

Comma after "me" and after "up" in the first sentence. Add an "and" or a comma after "arms" since you have two separate descriptive phrases there. Take out the comma after "window." Put a space between the period and "Before." Comma after "succeeded."

As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me.

You don't need it, but put a comma after "grasp" since the human mind will pause there as it reads it anyway.

I'm going to die now aren't I?

Comma after "now."

---

Yeah, I know I probably pointed out too many things - but those were just punctuation. The storyline was absolutely fantastic!! I can't wait to see if he survives

Yes you are right about the fact that they were just punctuation. But punctuation is very important too. So thanks a lot. I hope its better now. I'm hoping to post the second chapter in a few days. Its really hard to work on this as i am working on yet another story.

YES! Continue! I'm dying here. I both love and hate cliffhangers with a fiery passion.

I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind.

image

revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood.

battling

but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory

this time, though, I knew

My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village.

Love this part!

I woke up rubbed my eyes, and looked around

woke up, rubbed

“Bloodsuckers!”

Wouldn't it just be a Bloodsucker? Maybe not...

as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back [s]in fear[/s].

I just don't think the sentence needs it, but keep it, if you must.

I could feel the warm liquid sticking [s]on[/s]to my skin.

Again, is it needed? I already assume it's on him because he can feel it.

I could feel it [s]getting colder and [/s]solidifying as I ran

Too lengthy a word, and not very descriptive. Maybe try: cake, congeal, harden, set, or even dry. Also, I thing getting colder is a little wordy.

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do.

crying. I was

A little high but it was worth it.

Do you mean "worth a try"? Maybe you can just say that.

Great story! I loved it. Continue, continue! I can't wait to read more.

Quote:
“Bloodsuckers!”

Wouldn't it just be a Bloodsucker? Maybe not...

It would but the point is they don't know how many of the vampires are there and they are too afraid of fighting the vampires or vampire alone., so they want more recruits.

Ahhh.

Guys if non of you have noticed then you better check the forum again, beacuse i posted the second part and it seems no one is even commenting to it.

Please check it out.

I saw it!! YAY! I`ll review it tomorrow cause i`m way to tired tonight. Luck!

-Akayl

i like the story and the ending is good. That is what i call suspense

the only thing that confuse me is how you change the setting from the field to the city. it felt like there is something missing.

can i add something?

try this

I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I do not understand what is happening. My eyes became blurry. I feel the cold ground against my knees and i can feel the urge to kill overpowering me.

i close my eyes. I hold my throat. i want to do everything to stop this. I am not a monster! i am not a monster! What do i have i doen to deserve this?

my eyes feel heavy. I can see the sky dissapearing from my view.
My legs became weak. and i feel that i no longer control my own mind.

i try to resist but i cannot...

it is useless...

am i truly a monster...

then you can continue...

i hope that helps... you really do not need to write this. it is simply a suggestion

I finally posted Chapter 2 (guys who are still interested)

Link - topic55799.html

nice - very good descriptions. initial setting of the scene and introductio of the main character was smooth.

Okay, I like it a lot!!! xD, so you're a vampire story person too huh? That could explain why you were attracted to my work, and I like yours too!!!! Definitely continue! Now, the crit that I can give...

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time, though, I knew my victory would not last long.
Just to say, you do reveal the main characters gender, or so I think!
I woke woke up,
Okay, you say woke twice, you must like the word, but I don't believe you need to say it that much, ha ha.

All right, I'm not a good editing or grammar person, sorry! But I can tell you that you have a really, really, REALLY good start, and I can't wait to see the next piece of work...
*goes and reads it*
~Tari

Its okay if you're not good at editing or grammar. That's another reason why YWS is here. We learn by reviewing other peoples work. After a few reviews you could become a great reviewer. Keep up the reviews. Thanks for it also!

Hehe, I'll edit the gender part

Hello Firestalker!
I quite like vampire novels (althought I'm not a twilight fan) and I thought I would take some time to read yours.
I love how you embedded your introduction paragraph into such a casual way:

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing its sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city.

The only things I would change would be:

It was almost funny.

"It almost made me laugh" Might get the point across more. "Laugh" stands out more in such a myterious scene.

And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city.

These sentences seem a little rushed. Maybe you should drag them out with a little more description before going on to the next paragraph.

Keep up the great work!

At first, I thought that this was going to be another Twilight clone, but as the story went on, I could see I was very wrong. Your idea is solid and I like how the main character is not strong enough and will have to learn. However, this really feels like a rough draft. The pacing seems off, very rushed. I want to know more about what it feels like to crave blood. It feels more like a list of events with a few details than an actual story at the moment. Tell us about the fear of being chased, the frustration. Tell us about how scary it is not to feel bad for killing a human. Now, one thing that I like is the italicised thoughts (Main reason is that I use the same format in my novel). So, I urge you to finish your story and then come back and edit this.