BloodLust chapter 1 part 1

Hehe, will do, thanks for the advise

I think this story worked very well. The short snappy sentences where straight forward and gave it a bit more tension in the story. You've a good use of words and sentence openings, your detailing is very well written and the cliff hanger ending certainly makes us wanting more. You should keep writing this and share it with us when you are finished.
Keep up the good work.

Thanks for sharing your views of my story, Its greatly appreciated ^^

Hello.
Aww. I like it. I like the idea. I just cant get it how did the vampire got inside an alley..?
Please continue to write. I'm craving for more vampires.


Keep up the good work.

Thanks

I just cant get it how did the vampire got inside an alley..?

Well, my MC did not have enough control over her body at that particular time. She had succeeded in fighting off her inner predatory instincts before but this time she was too weak. So she accidentally let her instincts get the better of her and control her until she got to the alley... or something like that. Hope you understand cause I can't explain it properly without giving out the plot

Thanks for the critique!

-Fire-

Hey! Okay, so originally I was just going to read this to get caught up with your story, but then I noticed a few nitpicky things that I wanted to point out to you. I've been called a harsh critiquer before, so please bear with me!

Firestalker wrote:I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur Umm what is a bur? started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was, even though it was always dark and cold now.
Ever since that day...
I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.
What should I do now?
I leaned I'd add "back" because at first I pictured him standing and leaning, not sitting and then leaning back. against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place comma! especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing its sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time, though, no comma! I knew my victory would not last long.
How long had it been? Now I'm not completely sure here, but I think if you italicize thoughts, that means that it's what the character is directly thinking, and is he thinking in the past tense? If I'm right (which I could very well not be, so don't just take my word for it), he should be thinking "How long has it been." But again, I'm not an expert on characters' thoughts and the way to portray those, so beware.
I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground comma succeeding in keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat, and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away. I like this sentence.
The urge came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.
Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…
I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.

****

I woke up, rubbed my eyes, and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned sideways to open my mouth and spit out some blood that probably did not belong to me. Though I did not dare to search through my memories I knew someone had died or would share the same fate as I. Ending and then beginning a consecutive sentence with "I" is a bit repetitious. I stood there comma petrified for a moment comma watching the blood as it coursed down into the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that mm I think "as" would work better, "that" sounds too awkward. disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was made me run as fast as I could through the alley.
“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting.
I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it; I could feel it hardening as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.
God help me!
I started crying, semicolon I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did, I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth a try. The men were obviously going to kill me, so I ran towards it and jumped up, outstretching my arms, trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window but to no avail. Before I succeeded, a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.
I'm going to die now, aren't I?
I closed my eyes.

I really liked it! I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with it.