Chocoholic's Cheerful Critiques!

This is (obviously) my critique thread. If you would like a critique from me, just post the link here and I'll get to it as soon as I can. But first, some important information.

Why Should You Choose Me To Give You A Critique?

I'm an Instructor on YWS and I do my best to help out others with their work. Not only that, but my friends outside YWS are always asking me to read their stories and tell them what I think. I'm constantly getting good marks on English assignments, so I know what I'm talking about. Also, I have two blue stars.

What Do I Focus On In A Critique?

It depends on what you want! Usually I'll point out the grammatical/spelling errors and then go on to tell you what I did/didn't like about the piece. I'll point out what I didn't understand and what I don't think goes well or what you could add in. But if you want me to focus on something in particular, just tell me and I'll do my best.

What Don't I Approve Of In A Piece? or Rating Restrictions

I'll critique pieces of any rating, but please, no explicit sex scenes. Violence and swearing is fine, though.

What Do I Critique?

Other Fiction
Romantic Fiction
Historical Fiction - I'll critique any period of history, but if it's anything other than Ancient Egypt/Rome, The Tudors or WW2, I won't be able to point out any historical mistakes, only general writing ones
Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Action - I'll critique these, but I can't promise they'll be very good, but I'll try
For Lyrics, post in this thread
Scripts

What Don't I Critique?

Poetry
Art
Fan-Fiction

Some Other Things To Think About

1. Please don't bother asking me for a poetry or art critique. You won't get it.
2. I'm only taking five critiques at a time. If the list is full, please wait for an opening.
3. I don't demand compensation, but if my critique was helpful I'd love it if you could sign my guestbook or comment on my blog

Critiques To Do:

None, I'm taking 5 critique requests.

Critiques Done:

1. Future Final
2. Paulo's Bridge, Chapter One
3. Cormac and Eddy Discuss Women and Break-Ups
4. The Canaby Witches - Chapter 6
5. And All That Jazz
6. How The Dog Saw It
7. Jared's Seance Series (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Ooh, please could you help me out? I'm looking for pointers and suggestions on improving my sentence structure, but I welcome any kind of adive you can give.

It's an Action/Adventure Fiction, Chapter One;Part One, Future Final

Thank you, mucho!

I need critiques for my story in Other Fiction!
topic35488.html

Here you go! Thanks a whole bunch. It's kinda short, by the by.

Cormac and Eddy Discuss Women and Break-Ups.

topic33850.html

I would really appreciate it, also depending on the crit I will give points as incentive!

Thanks

---Jon---

Are you sure you want me to do just chapter six, wisemann210? If you just want that one I'll do it, but don't expect me to get it. If you want me to do the first five chapters first (which I'm also happy to do) just post them here.

Does anybody want a critique? I have 1 1/2 weeks off and I need something to do. Give me your lonely stories.

Hey. You might like my "Séance Series" stories. There is 5 of them posted now, but there will be 7. You can find them in my portfolio. The first one is called "The Séance"

-Jared

How The Dog Saw It

I could use a critique now that I've changed it to 1st person, which is something new to me.

Thanks a million!

Hii chocoloholic!

Idon't have onebut two posts I would like to be critiqued...

They're posted in other fiction..

topic36721.html

topic36734.html

These are chapter 3 and 4 of my novel...

You don't have to read the previous chapters to understand what's going on in this chapter...

I'll be more than happy if you critique..

I'd like you to focus more on the writing style and story but pointing out gramatical errors is fine too!!

will be waiting for your review..

topic36822.html

If you have time, please?

Hey! Can you do my poem, Babies? Thanks!

fun4eva and TL G-Wooster, you'll get your critiques, but it may not for a week or more because of school. Sorry. I'll try and have them done by next weekend.

Gadi, I don't do poetry.

Are you willing to do advanced critiques?

Heyy, I would love fore you to review my current project that I am working on whenever you get time. It's romantic fiction and I have already posted four parts to it:
1. topic34262.html
2. topic34733.html
3. topic35662.html
4. topic36907.html
I would love to know what you think, what I can do to improve etc, and I hope you don't mind that there's four *smiles sheepishly*

Thank you very much
Lucyy xxx