Young Writers Society

Chapter 3...The end of middle school

As she stepped gracefully into the hall, which was decorated with balloons and streamers of every possible colour, all heads turned. It was as if a goddess had entered the room radiating pure beauty and warmth. It was Aanam. She walked towards us wearing a light pink top with blue denims. This was one of the things that proved her natural beauty; she dressed simply yet did not lose her position as the most popular girl in school. All heads turned except one -Leandra’s- as she was too busy stuffing her face with the cheese balls next to the snacks table. As she neared us, the scent of her calvin klein perfume nearly choked me. Suprising, Leandra still didn't show any response. When Leandra and her cheese are together, nothing else mattered.
Aanam ignored all the attention and walked straight up to the table, patting Leandra on the back. Leandra turned around, her hazel eyes flashing with curiosity. She was looking pretty in a light blue, sleeveless top matched with a white denim skirt and high boots. “Oh! Its you!”, she exclaimed, still playing with each cheese ball before she popped them straight into her mouth. “When did you come?”
"Just now,” Aanam replied, almost subconsciously. It seemed like she had something else on her mind.
“Aanam, you look kinda worried,” I murmured, folding my arms, a habit that I couldn't avoid when I didn't know what to say. “Something wrong?”
“No, it’s just that...” Aanam trailed off. “I met Selena on my way here. She asked for a lift.”
“And you gave her a lift! How could you? How could you offer help to some one who has provided me with nothing but suffering.” I whined, over reacting to the extent. Maybe I should take drama for extra activities in high school, I thought.
“Shut up, Natasha! How could she refuse? She’s a teacher after all,” Leandra said matter-of-factly, wiping her mouth with a tissue. Why did she always have to be so reasonable? “You continue, Aanam.”
“And she told me that she hopes at least now I’ll pay more attention to my studies and stay away from my friends.”
“So?” Leandra asked, adjusting her hair.
“So?!” I exploded on Leandra, freaking out. “Selena just spoiled my mood on what is supposed to be the best night of my life,” I was moving my hands around like crazy.
“Natasha, chill!” Leandra said. “Just put up with her for this night, and then you probably won’t see her face ever again. And in any case, you know she’s just saying it to make you feel bad. If you do, she’ll succeed, do you want that?” There she went again, being reasonable.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I began. “I won’t let her get to me, I won’t!” I practically bellowed.
“Leandra, you should really start working for an advice column,” Aanam joked, reaching out for fruit punch.
I almost spluttered orange juice at that thought. It was just too funny imagining Leandra as one of those advice-giving freaks.
“Yeah, any way who wants to talk about Selena? Guys, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for since forever! It’s supposed to be all happy and lively and joyful, right?” Aanam said, with a tinge of excitement in her voice.
It was true. It was the day I’d been waiting for the whole year. The last day of middle school! Finally, it was the end of all embarrassing moments I had experienced, the end of all the crushes I was tongue-tied in front of and most of all- it was a farewell to Selena. Middle school really wasn’t that bad, but seventh grade was hell. Now, sixth grade was different. It was the time teachers thought I was a good student with potential. It was the time I could do anything I want, without the dangers of getting caught or being in trouble. But something happened, in one year, everything had changed and the school I used to once love had become some kind of prison.
Getting back to the present- the farewell- I looked around. Girls' excited laughter and chatter, boys' wild screams and for once, the teachers sitting in the corner without a word. It was all good! It was almost unbelievable that we were standing i n the same room which was otherwise, the hot, humid and sticky assembly room. Rihanna’s song ‘pon de replay’ began bursting from the speakers. This was one song that always got my adrenaline pumping.
“Come on, Aanam,” I said pulling both of them towards the dance floor. I was in the centre of the hall and I had never ever felt so confident in my life before. I raised my hand high in the air and started dancing, looking more like jumping.
Aanam and Leandra watched me in surprise, their jaws dropping, but I wasn’t really interested in their reaction at that minute. I was never the person who would dance and groove at parties but this was the best night of my life. I had survived middle school and tomorrow was the day I would start fresh. Tomorrow, I would be a high school girl.
As I was dancing, I thought I heard some giggles around me. I turned around and saw Selena sitting at the far end of the room with a few other teachers. I thought I would be the stronger person and make things better.
I walked up to her. “Hello teacher,” It felt really odd addressing her like that but who doesn't amke mistakes? And since I had already made so many of them in my life, one more woudn't really make a difference. “Would you like to join the dance?” I asked as politely as I could, forcing a smile.
“No thanks,” She said, gesturing with her hands as well, as though I was deaf. “But you, I’d like to advice, to take up dance classes.”
She had done it again. Turned my smile up-side down.

Over all you have conveyed the m.c's(sorry I forgot the name!) emotions of excitement and genuine happiness on leaving middle school quite well,but I think you can polish the first lines a bit,make it more dramatic.For example you could try switching around the lines like this...

I've made some corrections here

She stepped into the hall, decorated with balloons and streamers of all possible colours, all heads turned. It was like a goddess had entered the room radiating pure beauty and warmth.It was Aanam who walked in wearing a light pink top with blue denims. This was one of the things that proved her natural beauty; she dressed simply,yet,she did not lose her position as the most popular girl in school.

Also,the whole Facebook thing,it could have been saved for a later episode and you could have just concentrated on the farewell,describe it a bit more,like maybe how Selena came and ruined your last minute fun(its seems to go with her character somehow!)

Those are all the suggestions I have as of now,keep posting you keep improving with every chapter I must say!!

~Peace~

- Sudz.

Thanks Sudz!!!
I took up your idea of getting selena to spoil the dance. I mentioned her at the end!
And yeah, I hadn't named the m.c yet! lol! But I have in this chapter..
Hope you liked the re write...

And more reviews are always welcomed and appreciated!

Hahaha!
The last thing

“No thanks,” She said, gesturing with her hands as well, as though I was deaf. “But you, I’d like to advice you to take up dance classes.”

She had done it again. Turned my smile up-side down.

Awesome!
And good job with th re-editing.
Looking forward to the next chapter

Real stories are always worth reading.Good job.I felt like you could have added more details like you never said what Natasha wore or something like that.Anyhow its good this way too.

And yeah the ending :

She had done it again. Turned my smile up-side down.

That was really good.hehe....

“Aanam, you look kinda worried,” I asked, folding my arms. I usually did this when I didn’t know what to say next. “Something wrong?”

Do you really?

yup! I do...lol...
Thsnks shine! It meant lot to me that you red it!

Chapter 3...The end of middle school [colour=red][I'll start with a slight criticism as to format - I think you should write this as Chapter 3 - The end of Middle School.][/color]

As she stepped into the hall, decorated with balloons and streamers of all possible colours, all heads turned. [The repetition of all could quite easily be avoided and at the same time, you could make this a more visual first sentence. Consider this: how does she step into the hall? Does she glide or leap? Does she sway into the hall, does she float into the hall? And to avoid the 'all' repetition, simply use '...every possible..'] It was [s]like[/s] as if a goddess had entered the room [Comma here.] radiating pure beauty and warmth. [Hmmm. This is a little cliche which makes it almost plain. I'd suggest a more unique metaphor.] It was Aanam. [Good use of sentence structure.] She walked towards us wearing a light pink top with blue denims. This was one of the things that proved her natural beauty; she dressed simply yet did not lose her position as the most popular girl in school. All heads turned except one -Leandra’s, [Either use a dash either side or a comma either side. It's much neater.] as she was too busy stuffing her face with the cheese balls next to the snacks table.

Aanam ignored all the attention and walked straight up to the table, patting Leandra on the back. Leandra turned around, her hazel eyes flashing with curiosity. She was looking pretty in a light blue, sleeveless top matched with a white denim skirt and high boots. “Oh! Its you!” [she remarked, still playing with each cheese ball before she popped them straight into her mouth. “When did you come?”

“Well, just now,” Aanam replied, almost subconsciously. It seemed like she had something else on her mind. [That's not a subconscious reply. Well shows hesitation and hesitation shows thought. I'd suggest 'Just now'.]

“Aanam, you look kinda worried,” I [s]asked[/s] said, folding my arms. I usually did this when I didn’t know what to say next. [Hmmm. Maybe '...folding my arms; a bad habit I had developed when I didn't know what to say.'] “Something wrong?”

“No, it’s just that...” Aanam trailed off. “I met Selena on my way here. She asked for a lift.”

“And you gave her a lift! How could you? How could you offer help to some one who has provided me with nothing but suffering.” I sounded pretty melodramatic at that moment. [Perhaps 'Even I could hear the melodramatic tone of my voice: sulky, whiny, the sort of tone that infringes on other people's common sense.']

“Shut up, Natasha! How could she refuse? She’s a teacher after all,” Leandra told me off, [I don't like 'told me off' and the teacher part feels out of place, too much for the audience's benefit. Also, it seems strange that a teacher would ask a student for a lift...] wiping her mouth with a tissue. Why did she always have to be so reasonable? “You continue, Aanam.”

“And she told me that she hopes at least now I’ll pay more attention [s]in[/s]to my studies and stay away from my friends.”

“So?” Leandra asked, adjusting her hair.

“So??!” [Try to avoid multiple punctuation marks. It's all down to a writer's preference but it looks untidy and unprofessional.] I freaked out. “Selena just spoiled my mood on what is supposed to be the best night of my life,” I was moving my hands around like crazy.

“Natasha, chill!” Leandra said. “Just put up with her for this night, and then you probably won’t see her face ever again. And in any case, you know she’s just saying it to make you feel bad. [s]I f[/s] If you do, she’ll succeed, do you want that?” There she went again, being reasonable.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I began. “I won’t let her get to me, I won’t!” I was practically shouting.

“Leandra, you should really start working for an advice column,” Aanam joked, reaching out for fruit punch.

I almost [s]spat out[/s] spluttered orange juice at that thought. It was just too funny imagining Leandra as one of those advice-giving freaks.

“Yeah, any way who wants to talk about Selena? Guys, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for since forever! It’s supposed to be all happy and lively and joyful, right?” Aanam said, with a tinge of excitement in her voice.

It was true. It was the day I’d been waiting for the whole year. The last day of middle school! Finally, it was the end of all embarrassing moments I had experienced, the end of all the crushes I was tongue-tied in front of and most of all- it was a farewell to Selena. Middle school really wasn’t that bad, but seventh grade was hell. Now, sixth grade was different. It was the time teachers thought I was a good student with potential. It was the time I could do anything I wanted, without the dangers of getting caught or being in trouble. [s]But, I don’t know what had happened,[/s] But something happened, in one year, everything [s]had[/s] changed and the school I used to[s]once[/s] love had become some kind of prison.

Getting back to the present- the farewell, [Again, commas or dashes either side, not one of each.] I could see everyone’s faces sad about leaving their memories behind. Rihanna’s song ‘pon de replay’ began bursting from the speakers. This was one song that always got my adrenaline pumping.

“Come on, Aanam,” I said pulling both of them towards the dance floor. I was in the centre of the hall and I had never ever felt so confident in my life before. I raised my hand high in the air and started dancing, looking more like jumping.

Aanam and Leandra watched me in surprise, their jaws dropping, but I wasn’t really interested in their reaction at that minute. I was never the person who would dance and groove at parties but this was the best night of my life. I had survived middle school and tomorrow was the day I would start fresh. Tomorrow, I would be a high school girl.

As I was dancing, I thought I heard some giggles around me. I turned around and saw at the far end of the room, Selena was sitting with a few more teachers. I thought I would be the better person and make things better. [Try to avoid repeating better. Maybe 'the stronger person' would work?]

I walked up to her. “Hello teacher,” It felt really odd addressing her [s]as ‘teacher’[/s] like that but the words were already out, too late. “Would you like to join the dance?” I asked as politely as I could, forcing a smile.

“No thanks,” She said, gesturing with her hands as well, as though I was deaf. “But you, I’d like to advice you to take up dance classes.”

She had done it again. Turned my smile up-side down.

Okay, overall thoughts. This is a good start. You could work on description a little, particularly of the character's features and the room that they're in but in general, you've got some good dialogue and you set the scene for your story well. Try to avoid being unrealistic in places though. There's other ways to introduce Selena than having her ask Aanam for a lift. She could interrupt them and ask Aanam to talk to her privately or she could wave at Aanam or have talked to her earlier, in the corridoor. She could enter the room after Aanam and you could include a contrasting description and show us how the narrator sees this woman.

Also, try to remember that there are five senses, not one. Here you've included quite a bit about sight but what about sound, taste, smell and touch? They're at a dance so is the room hot and humid, filled with the smell of sweaty teenagers and their laughter and shouting? Think about the atmosphere carefully. If you need further help with that sort of thing, there's an article I wrote a while back: viewarticlebody.php?t=33840

Hope this helps a little and I'll read the next chapter soon,

Heather xx

Hey, sorry for not reviewing your story sooner.

Okay, firstly, good job on naming the main character or the your self. Natasha was a really good name for you. I once had a friend with the same name.

As she stepped gracefully into the hall, decorated with balloons and streamers of every possible colour, all heads turned.

This made it sound as if 'Aanam herself was decorated with balloons and streamers. "Change this to "As she stepped gracefully into the hall, which was decorated with balloons and streamers of all possible colour, every head turned."

“So?!” I freaked out. “Selena just spoiled my mood on what is supposed to be the best night of my life,” [s]I was[/s] moving my hands around like crazy.

The 'Freaked out' part doesn't go well with the sentence. ?Maybe change that to "So?" I exploded, completely freaked out. And cut the 'I was' part on the last sentence.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I began. “I won’t let her get to me, I won’t!” I was practically shouting.

You should change that to "I practically belowed.

It was almost unbelievable that we were standing i n the same room which was otherwise, the hot, humid and sticky assembly room. Tonight, it was sweet smelling and spacious.

Well, I doubt the room would be spacious as it was full of girls and boys and I really doubt it would be sweet smelling as the girls and boys will be really sweaty by dancing, mostly girls.

I turned around and saw at the far end of the room, Selena was sitting with a few more teachers.

This sentence doesn't flow well. Might have to change this to "I turned around and saw Selena sitting at the far end of the room with a few other teachers."

“Hello teacher,” It felt really odd addressing her like that but who doesn't amke mistakes?[/quote]
Yup, you said it your self, 'who doesn't make mistakes. You have to change that unreadable word to 'make'

“No thanks,” She said, gesturing with her hands as well, as though I was deaf. “But you, I’d like to advice you to take up dance classes.”

The last sentence should be "But you, I'd like to advice, to take up dancing classes"

Well, this was a really good part of the story. But, there were many mistakes this time. Well, correct those mistakes.

And good luck.