The murderer

The Murderer


Listen and listen good,
for I will not retell.
There is a murderer in the village,
who came from the fiery depths of hell.

They say his eyes are piercing black
and his skin a shadowy grey.
And oh! the rumors that spread,
on that wet and miserable day.

Near the village, was an ocean.
And little did they know,
the murder happened right on the beach
whilst the tilde was low.

It was years later,
and the village was distraught
that the mayor's daughter's killer,
would not let himself be caught.

There was an evil chuckle
produced from the watery blue.
The killer swam away leaving this place,
and leaving the ocean as the only one who knew.

Hello and welcome to YWS!
Just so you know, I think the rules are that you should critique at least 2 pieces by other people before submitting your own, but since you've just joined it's okay that you didn't know.

I've done a line-by-line critique of your poem below.

*************

The ocean sings a melody



as the waves roll along



its the strangest of melodies (The repetition with the first line is a little awkward. Maybe "melodies" here could be changed to a different word. Also, "it's" needs an apostrophe.)



as if it's a song (You just said it's a melody, so now saying "as if it's a song" seems redundant, as if it's just there to complete the rhyme.)



this ocean sings of a murderer



to have crossed the oceans shore(Try, "Who's crossed the ocean's shore".)



this murderer is deadly and dangerous



and full of ghastly gore (Don't tell us that he's deadly, dangerous, and full of ghastly gore, because I'm not too afraid of this murderer yet. Show us how deadly he is.)



rumors soaked into their fine misted village (Good line.)



about what had happened that night



why would anybody want to kill an such innocent person (Too long. It throws off the poem's rhythm. Also, I think you mean "such an" innocent person?)



who had dreams opposite from slight? (Ouch. That was forced. Kill all forced rhymes.)



police searched everywhere



not a clue was to be found



everyone who could help was there



every officer and every hound



and still to this day



century and year



the ocean remains the only witness



out of every mouth, eye, and ear.

************

Okay, you've got a good idea here, and I like your concept of having the ocean be the only one who knows what happened. The main issue with this is that you're telling, not showing. The reader wants to see how heartless the murderer is. We want to see who the murderer killed. Why did the murderer kill that (presumably) innocent person? With more details, your poem would be lots better.

Good luck!

You seem reluctant to use punctuation. Why is this? If you don't, then you are going to loose a lot of readers. If there is no punctuation, then the readers might not read the poem correctly. So - please think about using punctuation.
The metre of the piece was a little clumsy and irregular, this might be a product of the lack of punctuation...

its the strangest of melodies

as if it's a song

Rhyming for rhyming sake really. If it is a melody, how can it be like a song? It is either a piece of music or it isn't.

this murderer is deadly and dangerous

This line is a little impotent. Why is he dangerous? Show, don't tell.

and full of ghastly gore

A nice relaxed rhyme with "shore", it also evokes very a unpleasant scene.

Anyway ^^
Don't be put off by my comments. I know that they are a little bit harsh, but I am trying to be constructive. I'm no literary genius lol so don't let my opinions bother you too much.

Love
Kris
x

YAY! Punctuation!
Seriously though, love. It has made the world of difference. I can follow the rhythm of the piece better now.

They say his eyes are percing black
and his skin a shadowy grey.
And oh! the rumors that spread,
on that wet and miserable day.

MUCH, MUCH better! This is great. You are creating a dark aura around this character; instead of just saying he is a bad man.

Generally, much better. The rhymes are smoother and more appropriate.

Well done! keep it up

Love
Kris
x

I thought it was quite good and it succeeds in giving us that sense of mystery. I do think that you should try a bit more to show us how evil his guy really is though. Plus, it did succeed in being somewhat creepy. Anyway, like I said before it was quite good. Nice job. Oh, and I still don't really know who the murderer is.

Well, I liked it. It was great.

Listen and listen good,
for i will not retell.
There should be comma after the first 'listen' and capitalize the 'I'

They say his eyes are percing black
and his skin a shadowy grey.

It should be 'piercing'

Near the village was an ocean.
And little did they know,

There should be comma after 'village'

It was years later,
and the village was distraut

It should be 'distraught'

There was an evil chuckle
proudcing from the watery blue.

It should be 'producing'

The killer swam away leaving this place
and leaving the ocean as the only one who knew.

There should be a comma after 'swam' and it should be 'the only one who ever knew'

Well, as I said, it was great poem. Well done

And good luck.

Hey,

I don’t usually critique poetry. In fact, I rarely do, and instead come in here in secret never to write any review, lol. Poetry just scares me. But we have to overcome our fears, no?

And yes, I was dared to write a crit in the Poetry section. See this? See this, you? (person who dared, lol). I’m doing it, I’m doing it.

Anyway, your poem. Your poem I liked, really. There aren’t a lot of poems which I like, but I liked yours. As for other constructive comments - don’t expect any, but…


Quote:
for i will not retell.
Capitalize pronouns.


Er yes, that’s almost it.


Quote:
who came from the fiery depths of hell.
With “one” - would it be more melodic? Suggestion.


Quote:
The killer swam away leaving this place,
I don’t like: “this place”. Don’t like the phrase.


Next: There’s a line starting with “it was years later” - what was? That, that the murderer disappeared, yes? Hmm. Perhaps that comes from me not reading much poetry xD


But I liked it, in general. I’m not able to chop it up, because then I’d be at loss of what to write and comment - but as a whole, I liked it and enjoyed it.


Cheers,
Esme

I like this poem, again, as I said I'm not a poetry person & I avoid the forums so this won't be a very helpful critique, but anwayss ...

I thought that the pace was good & I liked the way you kept a rhyming scheme up (I hate those damn things, can never get words to ryhme!! So for being so damn good at that, I applaud you loud and clear hehe ) I enjoyed this poem & thought it was good!!
Lol, sorry that's not very helpful =P
Lucyy xx

who had dreams opposite from slight?.... {dang.forced to rhyme}
i do this too.errr..

but i liked the rest of it.

Umm. I think you are reading one of the critiques...Look at the top...the verytop

Hello! This is going to be really quick because I accidentally fell asleep while attempting my thermo homework, so I think I have to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight. XD

Listen and listen good, <-- Good sounds awkward here

for I will not retell.

There is a murderer in the village,

who came from the fiery depths of hell. <-- the metering is off here... a syllable needs to be trimmed.



They say his eyes are piercing black

and his skin a shadowy grey.

And oh! the rumors that spread, <-- the oh! thing sounds way too exciting for its placement.

on that wet and miserable day.



Near the village, was an ocean. <-- there IS an ocean

And little did they know,

the murder happened right on the beach

whilst the tilde was low. <-- tide, not tilde. Tilde is this: ~



It was years later, <-- Wait, they didn't know about the murder until years later? Confusing!

and the village was distraught <-- From what?

that the mayor's daughter's killer, <-- You're going to want to mention this beforehand!

would not let himself be caught. <-- This sounds lame and way too much of the passive voice.



There was an evil chuckle

produced from the watery blue.

The killer swam away leaving this place,

and leaving the ocean as the only one who knew. <-- Unless your murderer is a shark, this doesn't make sense. And, if it is a shark, the proper word is "killer." Murder is premeditated.

Um... yeah. That's the MTV version of your critique. Hope that helps!