Empty

That second of your eyes left me empty.
Now I lean against the wall, alone,
breathless and smiling,
aching for more of you.
You’re stealing my soul.

It’s so easy to play with moments.
I spin them around in my head,
add memories that didn’t happen.
Maybe none of it was real.

I need to know.
It’s not enough to see you,
far-off, talking to someone else.
I’m so thirsty. It burns.
Bring me relief for a second.

Tell me it was real.

*********

If you'd like a crit in return, just name the piece.

Wow! A geat poem, it coveys the emotion and desperation of the piece really well. The poem just seems to have a natural flow to it which is consistent throughout so there isn't really any serious nitpicks I can think of

One thing I would say is capitalise the first letter of each new line - this just makes it clearer for the readers to read and informs them of how you want the poem to flow.

Also the line:

I spin them around in my head,

This could be just me, but personally I think it would sound better phrased: "spinning them around in my head". This just adds variety to the stanza.

All in all, a very powerful poem

Hello and welcome to YWS! I don't think I have anything I am desperate for you to review, but if you want to check my work, you always can. In any case, this critique is all about you! Awesome, no? I'm just going to go through your poem and comment and hopefully you can be happy.


That second of your eyes left me empty. <-- I sort of want to see this second so I know how truly achingly lonely you really are.

Now I lean against the wall, alone,<-- A better image? Lean is a weak word... what about slumped? I don't know... it just doesn't sound vivid enough.

breathless and smiling, <-- Why is she smiling and breathless? This image seems to contradict.

aching for more of you. <-- You want to make it sound like she truly IS aching. Like, yesterday night I was playing metal songs and my sister started flailing around because the metal songs reminded her of one of her exes and we had to change the song.

You’re stealing my soul. <-- If you described why she was anguished before, this would be too obvious already.



It’s so easy to play with moments. <-- What sort of moments?

I spin them around in my head,

add memories that didn’t happen. <-- Like what?

Maybe none of it was real. <-- Don't say "it!"



I need to know.

It’s not enough to see you,

far-off, talking to someone else.

I’m so thirsty. It burns. <-- I would like to see the punctuation removed here.

Bring me relief for a second. <-- This seems a little... anti climactic, if that makes sense. You need to draw this thought out a bit if you want to make it properly dramatic.



Tell me it was real. <-- Because you didn't draw out the previous line, this doesn't really seem... like a real ending. So make it juicy!

Finally, poetry is all about showing off and making things dramatic. I know there are people who are like, "But poetry is the expression of my soul!" but... their poetry doesn't really connect with anybody. If I told you that I wanted to marry you, and I was actually serious, then you would think my timing is off because I haven't told you why I want to marry you, let alone you don't even know who I am. Same thing with poetry! Right now, the thing it seems like you 're struggling with the most is timing. Don't be afraid to rush... don't be afraid to slow down and let us live in the moment, if only for a little. The words you choose and how much you describe can make it either rush or slow down. Both can be very dramatic. So pay attention to what you're working on and you'll get better.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for critiquing, happy-go-lucky and Snoink. I really, really appreciate it.

Snoink: Thank you for doing such a detailed critique. I'll be honest and say that at first I was a tad dismayed to see the poem dissected, but you're right about it being too vague, and I see what you mean about working on timing and drawing it out more. I appreciate your comments, especially because this is one of my first serious attempts at writing poetry.

Thank you, again