Tainted Blood Ch.1 Part 1

Meh, two things I am worried about:

1) Vampires. Period. (You say that the only vampire novel you ever read would be "Twilight". Unfortuately, rather than making you less likely to copy her, it makes you more likely to do so. Not that I am saying you will but when you only have one source, all of your results may unconsciously tend towards it. I recommend if you are going to write a vamp story, to read a lot of vamp fiction. Get an idea of what else is out there and immerse yourself in sources.) I have faith in you, that you can turn this into something original, but it might put readers off, in the fear that this will be "another one of those stories."

2) Waking with a dream in the beginning. Many, many, many novels begin with waking up. A great portion of those novels also involve the character waking up from a rather "prophetic" dream. Either in their dream, they were making out with their "true love" (meaning that they will either hook up with that person in the course of the story or - especially with high school fiction - that is the unattainable person they will never touch) or they're having some sort of nightmare where they tangle with a nameless horror and later on, they will do just that. Kinda takes away the surprise for the reader. Now we know at some point in time, she is either going to turn into a vampire, or meet a vampire. It's just an unsubtle way to let the reader on that this is a vamp novel.

Yeah, neither one of these things are necessarily bad or will your novel ruin, but they can't help you too much. They've kind of become cliches. I suppose you can't change that it's a vamp novel, or else it just isn't your story, so leave that as is. If people don't like it, they can talk to the hand, yes? But the dream thing... I'm still not really liking it. Not really sure what to tell you, though, so I suppose you can ignore me if you want to.

Why does she have scissors on her nightstand that she can cut herself on them trying to turn on the light? It seems as though they are just there for her to conveniently cut herself on. And holy moly, but those must be some uber sharp scissors for her to cut herself on them just by brushing against them. Are they stored open? I mean, even with my really sharp scissors, I have to stab myself on them (accidentally) or actually try to cut myself (not that I do, but still) to draw blood. Seemed a little odd.

And "Abarat" should either been in italics or in quotation marks. (And on that note: *squee* I love Abarat! I'm rereading the sequel right now. Clive Barker is a major genius man! *huggles Malingo*)

Yeah, that's all my nitpicking for now. Everyone else has gone all ninja on you several times over, so that's the extent of my stuff. Kind of a short chapter and I didn't get too much info on the character, but I'm letting it go for now and moving on to the second chapter. See you there!

*thumbs up* Keep on truckin'!

~GryphonFledgling

Thanks for all the critism, it has really helped my writing. I am off to write the 6th section of half-blood.

Hello,


Just returning the favor for the helpful review you gave me.



The first thing that threw me was how short this chapter is. Usually I think you'd want about ten pages or above for a chapter, double spaced. I understand that shorter pieces get read more often and are actually suggested for this site, but I disagree. If you separate chapters into sections this small it will make for a very choppy book. Its up to you, though. i suggest looking to your favorite books as a guide.

I had been having for months- I'd had for months

half afraid that if I sat up I would find that my nightmare had come true. - Boy do I know that feeling! Spooky. I'd play this fear up if you can.

anyways- anyway

I wiped it off refusing to put it anywhere near my mouth- comma after "off". This, I think, calls for some explanation. Who just leaves sharp scissors where they could get hurt on them at night? Why didn't she hiss in pain or curse when she was hurt? Note everyone's first instinct is to put their finger in their mouth after it has been cut, I never do, so that statement seems a little abrupt to me.

The ancient dresser with all my past-due library books sat in the corner.- yup good job. little things like that help characterize.

my favorite book, Abarat. - that was a great book! I always read after nightmares too! ALready I can relate to the MC, and that's very good in my book. No pun intended.

To my surprise I crouch in the darkest corner, which is unusual because I hate the dark. - I crouch in the darkest corner, which is unusual because I hate the dark.

They walk in keys out and jingling to open their apartment door. - They walk in, keys out and jingling, to open their apartment door.

It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck- It takes only seconds to reach my victim's neck


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I'm interested, but then the very word vampire catches my attention. My critique, summed up, is "longer, more detail, more explanations, more more more." In some ways that is good. You want your readers hungry for more, but not this famished. This might be a prologue, though its till way short, but It's not really a chapter. You have a lot fo great info to build on here, though.

Yes, I know I don't actually think these as chapters but as parts. The first few parts are one chapter, of course. I know, I know, I am working in the sharp scissors part. *Cringe* just trying to think of something else, I do after all keep scissors next to my desk. I know, what a stupid idea. Anyway thanks for the critique it helps me out. I depend on it. You gave me some great ideas, thanks!

I can tell that this is going to be another vampire story - cool! But if you're writing a vampire story, make sure that you add some variations on it, otherwise it's just same old, same old. I did notice one thing that doesn't quite make sense. You say that the thirst is an unquenchable one, then - "and leave the body a pale and empty shell, and my thirst quenched." If it's unquenchable, how does that work?

-Cobra

If you look closely it says seems an unquenchable thirst. Thanks though, I really try to make my books understandable, so yeah... Thanks again for taking the time to stop ny and read it, I really appriciate all the critique I get... it really helps!

Thanks so much for all the critique I have been given, it has tremendously halped my book. Hopefully this edition will be better.

Hey Kaylyn!

This wasn't a bad start. I like how your MC seems like a normal girl and not some over the top character like some people tend to do. It has potential, and with a little more descriptions and a nice opening sentence this would be great. Use descriptions. Act as if you're painting this picture of a girl who just woke up from a nightmare. I know that when I have a nightmare, I wake up with my heart racing at the speed of light and then sweat is pouring down my cheeks like rain from a dark sky. Your MC seems too much like a robot, make her human. Give her a heart or else she'll be running to the Wizard of Oz down the yellow brick road. This seems like a vampire book and I love vampires! So I'll definitely read on. I apologize if I take long to finish the rest. I'm reading so many other books by a lot of people and I have to spend equal amount of time on everyone. But don't worry, I'll keep reading.
Good Job and Keep writing,
-Angel

The first thing I caught was 'Across from me was the computer desk where a purple glitter lamp sat, I forgot to turn the thing off last night again.' So they have two purple glittery lamps?

Next, 'I reflect on the nightmare that had come to haunt me these past few months.' Shouldn't it be reflected?

And, 'I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst.' Shouldn't it be 'I feel what seems to be an unquenchable thirst.'?

I agree with what has been said above as well. Good start, though.

hmm... I have to agree with everyone else. This is a rather good start, and I hope you continue it ^_^...oh you did. (OOPS) Well then I will go check them out.

I'm a sucker for a good vampire story!
One thing I don't think anybody else pointed out was how she got out of the bed all sweaty, but then when she got back into the bed she was cozy and comfortable.
First off, that happened to me the other night and it was disgusting. You dont want to get back in the bed because, well, you're all sweaty and gross. You want to go take a shower. And your pajamas are all wet. You don't want the comforter on top of your wetness. Haha, yeah. =)

Thanks for all the critiques as I continue through the story.

I think you should describe yourself more (I'm a hypocrite). But other than that you should keep going (Which I see you have).

Thanks! *edited*

Hey i liked the story because it caught my attention from the start. But I just didn't think that it was free flowing in the starting paragraphs. You should have said the hard wooden floor....etc... I know its only small errors like these but they still make a difference.

Also i didn't like when you said 'get rid of this nightmare'. I think banish would be a more appropriate word to use here then get rid of.
Maybe you could say something like: I wish that I could just banish this nightmare, erase it from my memory. this would make it a more powerful, statement and this is what i think is needed in this paragraph. By doing this as well you are also getting into the mind of the reader, making the reader more interested in the nightmare. and then you can carry on explaining how it makes you shudder