Tainted Blood Ch.1 Part 1

Chapter One

I woke up screaming, again. Sweat covered my whole body, and I kicked most of my body free of the heavy comforters. My heart was racing faster than the speed of light. It was the same vivid, reoccurring nightmare I had been having for months. I waited a moment or two to slow my breathing, half afraid that if I sat up I would find that my nightmare had come true. I decided to sit up in my bed anyways. I leaned over to the nightstand and fumbled for the light switch to my glittery purple lamp. I sat up; looked around and saw... nothing out of place.

I sighed a breath of relief. The ancient dresser with all my past-due library books sat in the corner. Across from me was the computer desk where a purple glitter lamp sat, I forgot to turn the thing off last night again. Next to it sat a pile of unfinished homework. I turned to my nightstand again and glanced at the time, 2:47. Aralee, my mother, was still sleeping in the next room and I didn't want to wake her by getting up and making noise.

Sliding my feet out from under the covers I shivered as my bare feet hit the cold hard wood floor. I walked across the room to grab my favorite book, Abarat. It was the book I always read after I had a nightmare, and the pages were worn thin from constant reading. Quickly I retreated across the room, book in hand, into the bed.

Usually reading a good book makes me drowsy, but this morning I was wide awake. After the first few chapters I gave up trying. I was reading but unable to take it in. I dropped the book on the floor next to my bed. Right now I only seemed to be thinking of one thing.

I reflect on the nightmare that had come to haunt me these past few months. It always starts in a dark alley next to a busy street. I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I crouch in the darkest corner, which is unusual because I hate the dark. I am not alone for long before someone arrives, a different person, a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open their apartment door. For some odd reason I am drawn to them and creep slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, and I leap, catlike, at them. It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. I drink in deeply and take my fill, and leave the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

I wish that I could just banish this nightmare, erase it from my memory. I could never get back to sleep after having it. I shuddered and pulled the covers closer. Maybe I should take Aralee's advice and lay off the vampire books for a while, but tonight was an exception and I slowly drifted off in a dreamless sleep.
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This story has been continued.

I edited it using the critique that I had off the original. Can anyone please give me some advice, or show me something I left out? I would really like some constructive critism. Thanks. If you critique mine and will critique yours if you want me to.

Ooh, ooh, I sense a vampire story in the making!

It's a lovely prolougue (clip, first chapter, or whatever you want to call it.)

The nightmare is pretty fascinating and I hope you write more (I'm sorry, I would critique it with more depth, but you didn't post much.)

Good luck with this story because it definitely sounds like something I would absolutely love to read! I always love a good vampire story

Hello, there! I'm Jared, and I'll be your critic for today.

I woke with a start. It was the same vivd [vivid, not vivd] reoccuring [reoccurring, not reoccuring] nightmare I had been having for months. I waited a minute or two to slow by breathing and heart rate, half afraid that if I sat up I would find that my nightmare had come true. I decided to sit up in my full size bed anyways. I leaned over to the nightstand and fumbled for my glasses, [you no need comma here] and saw nothing out of place. I sighed a breath of relief.

Let's do this paragraph by paragraph, because this is so short. I'm warning you now: I'm going to be very honest with you. I would stop reading this at the first sentence. Why? Because it's not a good enough hook. In fact, it's quite cliché. It's the easiest opening there is to write. And it's boring. Which makes it uninteresting for the reader's case. Now, before I go all Kung Fu on you, I would merge the two first sentence together.

I woke with a start, because it was the same vivid reoccurring nightmare I had been having for months.

There's something about the word 'nightmares' and 'reoccurred' that makes me want to read more. Okay. Let's move on past the first two sentences.

I waited a minute or two to slow by breathing and heart rate, half afraid that if I sat up I would find that my nightmare had come true.

In reality, a 'minute or two' is actually quite a long time to be sitting in bed, waiting for your heart to slow down. Seriously. Have you ever waited that long? I mean, it's a whole 120 seconds. How about 'a moment or two'? I seriously dislike the sentence after this, because it's terribly contradicting.

I decided to sit up in my full size bed anyways.

ZOMG! THE NIGHTMARE IS GONNA BE TRUEEEE! ... yes. That's what us readers should be thinking right now. Add some hesitance in here. Make her not WANT to get up, but she HAS to. Srsly.

Wow. All of that just for one paragraph. Can't wait to see what happens next. O.o

My ancient dresser with all my past due library books sat in the corner. Across from me was the computer desk where a purple glitter lamp sat, glowing a soft purple, I forgot to turn the thing off last night again. Next to it sat a pile of unfinished homework. I turned to my nightstand again and glanced at the time, 2:47. Aralee, my mother was still sleeping in the next room and I didn't want to wake her.

Okay. Next paragraph. I srsly don't like the bolded sentence. It's like... "Duh." You say that it's glowing a soft purple? It's waaaaay too repetitive. "The purple lamp glowed purple." That's basically what you just said. "Duuuhhhh. Of course it'll glow purple. It's a purple lamp!"

Next bit is fine.

I slid my feet out from under the covers, [ditch this comma. You only need commas if you are combobulating (joining) two sentences together, for all time and eternity. You may now kiss the bride.] and shivered as my bare feet hit the cold hard wood floor. I walked across the room to grab my favorite book, Abarat. It was the book I always read after I had a nightmare, and the pages were worn thin from constant reading. I quickly retreated across the room into my warm and comfortable bed.

Nothing too wrong with this paragraph. No big, glaring errors that shout, "ZOMG CHANGE ME!!!1111one"

Usually reading a good book makes me drowsy, but this morning I was wide awake. After the first few chapters I gave up trying. I was reading, [ditch this comma and because you ain't marrying two sentences together, bud] but unable to take it in. I dropped the book on the floor next to my bed. Right now I only seemed to be thinking of one thing.

Pertaining to the first sentence: Why is she wide awake? Go into detail about the nightmare now. It's boring just stating that you are normally drowsy, but now you are wide awake. Show us that.

Rest bit is good.

I reflected on the nightmares that had come to haunt [I love this word] me these past few months. It always started in a dark alley next to a busy street. I felt what seemed an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I crouched in the darkest corner, which is unusal [unusual, not unusal] because I hate the dark. I am not alone for long before someone arrived, [dude. Unless you are marrying two sentences together, don't use a commmmmma!] always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open a door. [What? This sentence makes no sense whatsoever.] For some odd reason I am drawn to them and creep slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, and I leap at them. It took only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood filled my mouth. I drank in deeply and take my fill, and leave the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

Ew. Not another vampire story.*dies* Sorry. Us YWSers see vampire stories all over. As long as you stay away from Stephanie Meyers, you should be good. That means don't go a-copyin' her perfectly, pale, beautiful, drop dead sexy vampires, because they really aren't that cool.

I wish [wished, not wish. Keep with the same tense, girl] that I could get rid of this nightmare. I could never get back to sleep having it, maybe I should take Aralee's advice and lay off the vampire books for a while. But tonight was an exception and I slowly drifted off in a dreamless sleep.

OVERALL:

I think your main problem here is passive voice. In other words: Boring Voice. The big B.V. It's boring. Insanely boring. You know what you can do to make this more interesting to read?

Stay away from clichés.

Use metaphors and similes. They really make a world's difference in stories.

(Metaphors and similes are like: Jackie climbed up the tree like a cat)

Otherwise, you have a pretty decent start. If you need any other help with this (editing, revisions) just send me a PM.

See you around,

-Jared

I think it is a good start, but i think you should try Figurative Language. It is sort of boring to read and figurative language helps spice things up a bit.


They include; Alliterations, Metaphors, Oxymorons, Onomatopeia, Similes, Hyperboles, Imagery, and personification. I do think that these really grab the attention of a reader.

If you want me to define any of these, (if you dont already know what they are) just send me a PM!

I will help in any way I can.

Huh. This could be interesting. Just try not to make it another Twilight. There are too many Twilight posers as it is.

Keep it up and I'll definitely be checking in again to see what more you have to offer.

Until then,
Estead

P.S.
I hope you keep reading my book. I saw you comment on mine so that's why I came and read yours.

Hey.
This is a very good start. I've decided to point out one more error that I haven't seen anyone else correct

I wish that I could get rid of this nightmare. I could never get back to sleep having it, maybe I should take Aralee's advice and lay off the vampire books for a while. But tonight was an exception and I slowly drifted off in a dreamless sleep.

Try not to start sentences with "But." Instead, put it, and it's previous together.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more!

Heya Kaylyn fun start--the "past due library books" reminded me of me haha

Anyways, it seems like it could be a great start to a vampire story with a bit of tweaking--at the moment it's "good," but not quite "great" XD

So on to the pick-apart:

"I woke with a start."
-->someone mentioned this before, but this beginning has been done to the point of exhaustion. My suggestion would be to give us just the briefest flash of the nightmare right before she woke up--granted, that too has been done many times, but you have the opportunity to make it unique to your story based on what you show us and how much you show us.
-->also, "a start" doesn't give us the proper impression of her fear and panic which you then try to lead us into when you tell us she was half-afraid it would be real if she sat up.

"It was the same vivid reoccurring nightmare I had been having for months."
-->I'd make this the beginning of a new paragraph, to emphasize the transition.
-->"vivid, reoccurring" with a comma please =D

"to slow by breathing and heart rate"
-->my, not by
-->heart rate sounds like she's monitoring it professionally or sumthin-- I suggest changing that to "the pounding of my heart" or what-have-you

"I decided to sit up in my full size bed anyways."
-->new paragraph again; line breaks make for transitions in thought as well as action
-->we don't need to know that it's a full-size bed; random piece of useless info that makes the thought awkward

"I leaned over to the nightstand and fumbled for my glasses and saw nothing out of place."
-->too many "and"s
-->the action of fumbling is so brief that we lose the fact that she was indeed fumbling.
-->I suggest something like "fumbled for my glasses, finally locating them and looking about to find that nothing was out of place."

*as a side note, every sentence in that first paragraph begins with "I"... kinda like a broken record =/*

"My ancient dresser with all my past due library books sat in the corner."
-->"the" ancient dresser--we don't need to be told it's hers
-->"past-due," with the hyphen, please XD

"Across from me was the computer desk where a purple glitter lamp sat, I forgot to turn the thing off last night again. Next to it sat a pile of unfinished homework. I turned to my nightstand again and glanced at the time, 2:47. Aralee, my mother was still sleeping in the next room and I didn't want to wake her."
-->"Straight" across or "directly" across or sumthin please
-->"lamp sat--I had forgotten to turn...etc" (run-on sentence, and what I usually call 'past-past-tense,' which is past-tense overall narration and a reference to something in the past within the narration.)
-->"time: 2:47." Either a colon, a dash, or put 2:47 as its own sentence.
-->"My mother Aralee" preferably because what you have is missing a comma and adding the comma feels too awkward.
-->"wake her by getting up" perhaps, because right now we have no reason why her mother would be awakened.

"under the covers and shivered"
-->mix up your sentence structure: "under the covers, shivering as etc" perhaps.

"cold hard wood floor"
-->cold, hard wooden" or "cold hardwood"

"I quickly retreated across the room into my warm and comfortable bed."
-->again, mix up the structure. "With it in hand, I quickly... etc" would be my suggestion

"I reflected on the nightmares that had come to haunt me these past few months. It always started in a dark alley next to a busy street."
--you say "nightmares" plural, but then say "It always started." You have to pick plural or singular, and I'd suggest singular.

"I felt what seemed an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I crouched in the darkest corner, which is unusual because I hate the dark. I am not alone for long before someone arrived always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open their apartment door. For some odd reason I am drawn to them and creep slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, and I leap at them. It took only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood filled my mouth. I drank in deeply and take my fill, and leave the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched..."
-->rather nice, but a couple of grammatical errors:
-->you start in past tense with "felt" and "crouched" but then switch to present tense; you'll have to change it all to present tense.
-->"I am not alone for long before someone arrived always a different face." Messy punctuation and grammar, and could use some spicing up. "...before someone arrives--always a different person, a different face."
-->"someone", yet "they" in the next sentence. To fix this, I would suggest something like "That person always walks in, keys out and jingling in front of the door to their apartment--always the same generic apartment, numbers and place obscured. For some odd reason etc"
-->more tense issues later in the paragraph

"I wished that I could get rid of this nightmare."
-->too much tell, not enough show. Start that paragraph out with some show--tell us she shudders, pulls the blankets closer, whatever.

"I could never get back to sleep having it, maybe I should take Aralee's advice and lay off the vampire books for a while, but tonight was an exception and I slowly drifted off in a dreamless sleep."
-->grammar and punctuational errors. "having it--maybe I should...books for a while--but tonight etc"
-->A bit confusingly written. Perhaps say "I usually can't fall asleep after that nightmare--maybe etc"
-->comma after exception imho


But yeah, overall a good start. Your character is a bit flat at this point, but I think if you spice up some of the points I mentioned she'll seem much more alive (it is a girl, right? the purple glitter lamp seemed to give that away, but hey--I could be wrong haha). Just remember that this nightmare setup has both potential to be cliche and repetitive, but at the same time could be entirely unique unto you, so be careful with it. And good luck, by the way--I love well-written vampire stories XD

ta!

Thanks for all the constructive critiques, they really help my writing. I have now edited it so hopefully its alot better now!

Hey Kaylyn,
A great start for what is sure to form into an engaging vampire novel. I need not critique more due to the fact that many other have spent careful time assessing your work. However, I would like to say that I very much enjoyed reading your work. I enjoyed the detail...and the talk of abarat, one of my favorites as well. Overall, a good start, drawing the reader into the action from the first line. Good Luck!

Thanks guys for all of ya'lls help. Hopefully the book is a lot better and I hope you like it. Be assured this will be nothing like Twilight or any other vampire book. Twilight is the only vampire book I have read(and I loved it!), so it will be original. Thanks again for your help.

Really good opening section!! I didnt spot any glaring problems and i thought it was a fantastic set up for the next parts of the story. The names were really good, very unusual.

I decided to sit up in my bed anyways

Not anyways-anyway

Suddenly I am in fast motion, and I leap, catlike, at them. It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. I drink in deeply and take my fill, and leave the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

I love this great imagery infact the description is great throughout the passage

Really well done im going to read on now an i hope the next chapter is as good

Thanks for all the critique guys, it really improves my books. I have added up to chapter 5 so far and I hope you read it and enjoy it.

Hi Kaylyn,

The first Chapter is wonderful....I like the idea of a story beginning with a dream. Great.

Reuben A

Oh, this story is just full of mysteries. For one, the title. Is she only half vampire? Now there’s a thought…

Another is her dream. Is that really happening? Or is it just a dream?

I guess I will just have to read the next chapters to see…

I waited a moment or two to slow by breathing, half afraid that if I sat up I would find that my nightmare had come true.

“My” instead of “by” here.

Across from me was the computer desk where a purple glitter lamp sat, I forgot to turn the thing off last night again.

A semicolon instead of a period after “sat”

These are the only two things I noticed, and they are small at that. I can’t really find anything wrong with this. It seems that you have all the elements for a good story so…

On to chapter two>>>>>