UGH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I’M SICK OF THIS!!!!! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? WHY IS THE QUEEN ALWAYS EVIL?? I just finished a play called For The Love of Sunny and AGAIN the queen is the evil one, I’M SICK OF IT!!!! It’s time for people to realize that not ALL queens are evil. In fact MOST queens aren’t evil, not even the ones you see in fairy tales, take the queen in Snow White for example, she’s a good friend of mine and perhaps the nicest person I know, but because of some guy she now has the reputation of an evil conniving witch. You know, she’s actually right here, let HER tell you……
Thanks Cornelia…. Hi my name is Lydia Coresta, I’m the so called “Evil Queen” in Snow White. Well let me tell you something, Disney got it ALL WRONG! Snow may SEEM like an innocent little angel but she’s just about as evil as they come. Maybe OUTSIDE the castle she’s a delicate little flower but once she steps through those doors she’s a little demon. All she does is run around reeking havoc. She breaks dishes, takes clothes out of drawers, dumps the dish water all over the floor, throws the ashes from the fireplaces everywhere, smashes vases, pours perfume on the rugs, breaks windows, scratches floors, stains carpets, resets the clocks and that’s all before lunch! And guess who ends up cleaning it all up… yeah ME! All of our maid quit AGES ago and Snow’s father actually LEFT, he did not DIE! She also rips up all of the clothes and I’VE got enough to do, so I just make her wear the rags until I can sew them up again.
So now I’m the one who has to take care of her! And the reason I’m talking in the present-tense is because she’s still here. That prince got so fed up with her that he actually brought her back!!! So it’s no wonder that I’m annoyed all the time. The only way I can get anything done is by shoving Snow outside. THEN she acts like a princess so everyone will feel sorry for her. Oh, and I did NOT ask the huntsman to kill Snow, I simply asked him to take her for a walk for awhile and pretend to get lost get so I could get things done without interruption. But that stupid idiot mistook me as saying I REALLY wanted her lost and then he took THAT as saying I wanted her DEAD! And I did in fact ask the huntsman to bring back Snow’s heart, the heart shaped LOCKET she hides under her dress. She stole it from my room one day and I’ve been trying to get it back ever since.
THEN there’s the incident of the “poisoned apple.” The thing wasn’t going to KILL her, just knock her out for a bit so those poor dwarfs could get some rest, she was JUST as bad with them, believe me, I talked to the dwarfs about her and off screen she was just as evil. So anyways, like I said, the apple would have knocked her out for a few hours. How was I to know that those dumb dwarfs would put her in a coffin so that they couldn’t hear her snore? The coffin cut off her air supply and knocked her out when she started to wake up from the apple. And, just a foot note, those dwarfs were crying out of HAPPIENESS that she was passed out and couldn’t bother them. So at any point that’s my story. OH, you’re probably wondering about my mirror and “ Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all?” well you know, FAIR has two meanings. I happened to be using the meaning that meant “just“. You know fair, like” All is FAIR in love and war.”? Well my mirror mistook me and thought I meant PRETTY and so THAT’S why he answered “Snow White“. So there you go, the REAL story of Snow White.
Thanks Lydia. You see, not evil. Now, let’s wander to another tale, how about Sleeping Beauty? Yes, Maleficent IS a queen, it’s just she’s never noted for it. So let’s here from her….
Hi everyone, my name is Maleficent Reesentara but you can call me Maggie for short. Now what’s all this about my being evil. I most certainly am NOT evil, I’ve been misinterpreted. To start off with, when Briar Rose, aka Sleeping Beauty, was a baby and I wasn’t invited to that party, I was pretty pissed. I’ve been a good friend of the family for a long time and they have the nerve not to invite me because I’m ugly and my face might disturb their guests! And for proof that I’m a family friend let me ask you this, how could I know where the palace was, much less where the ball room was, if I was a complete stranger? THEN we have the “She will prick her finger on spinning wheel and die.” thing. That’s an old joke in Briar Rose’s mother’s family, it’s just that the KING didn’t know about and so he asked those stupid fairies to reverse the “curse” without letting his wife get a word in edge wise. So THEN those fairies take Briar into the forest to “hide” her for sixteen years or so when I figure I should get to know her and apologize for the misunderstanding when she was little. So I sent my crow Zee-zee to go and find her in that little cottage. Oh, and about that, I know it doesn’t look good with all of the “evil” or “bad” animals surrounding my castle, but SOMEONE has to be their friend, and because everyone else hates them it was up to me. So, like I was saying, when Zee-zee found Briar I had to find SOME way to get her to my castle. And if I came to the cottage the fairies would kill me and if I met her in the woods the animals would attack me, so my only chance was to get her to my palace.
Now, if you don’t already know this, humans are a type of animal, and all animals like shiny things. So I figured I could get Briar to my house with something shiny. As I suspected she followed the light up to my sewing room where I was hoping to meet her. My house was in bad shape back then and it was the cleanest room. Anyways, she came into the room and that’s when I remembered that the tip of my spinning wheels’ spindle was coated in poison from the night before when a poisonous snake friend of mine had coughed on it. I had been so busy preparing for Briar’s arrival that I totally forgot about it. Anyways, the light reflected off the spindle and made it shine brightly. I was rounding the corner as I saw Briar reach out for it, I was about to tell her not to touch it but then I remembered reverse psychology. If you don’t know what that is it goes like this, pretty much you do the opposite of what you’re told. Like if you say “touch it” they won’t touch it. So I decided to try reverse psychology and called out to her “Touch it.” Well science failed me and the git touched the spindle and got poisoned. That’s when those fairies rushed in again and started to scream. I was annoyed at this point which is why I ranted to them.
Now I bet you’re wondering about Price Phillip right? Well there’s a good reason I put him in my dungeon. I mean he WAS breaking and entering! I just put up those thorns and such to protect my home. And the guy had a sword and thought I killed his girl friend, wouldn’t YOU be afraid too? My last resort was to turn into a dragon to protect my home and my friends, so I did. Then “Princy” comes and tries to kill me with help form the Fairy Threesome. Nice I know, no body could ASK me what happened could they? Why should I tell MY side of the story? Oh, and one lat thing, I only sent those goblins to Briar’s cottage to protect it incase someone tried to brake in. It certainly isn’t MY fault Phillip came bursting in without invitation! So anyways, thanks for listening.
NOW do you see? Not ALL queens are evil, you just have to know their story.
It reminds me of this one book I read about this detective meeting various "evil" characters and realizing that they weren't that evil after all. So that's good. I think you should expand on it more though! You have a lovely style and you should definitely make more of this sort of humor. I love it. 