so criticize me and witicize me and scandalize me and scrutinize me jeperdize me glamorize me or you can just slanderize me... now on with the story(s)! i had some good advice on the first story... but this is the original uncut version baby! im just gonna make it as one.. but.. the xxxs signal a break... so you can go and poo poo or somthing, or just imagine that its another story. what ever you would like. and i dotn know if im supposed to then put it in another forum for longer short stories, sorry for being a newb but this is just what im gonna do. and
sorry for rambling but one more thing.. if you are so kind enough to read to the end .. there are true refrences to jesus and mary and richard nixon.. and if you are not familiar with some of the christian myths you might not completley get it.. but just so you know, when it talks about jesus fornicating mary and nixon, its not mary, the mother of god and jesus christ... sorry.. now read and tell me what you think... and for those of you who have had the pleasure the sneak peak, you can just mozy on down to chapter 2. ps.. my other stuff is not nearly as long but twice as bad.. no im kidding its beautiful.
Chapter 1
A pink striped skunk looks into the night's sky atop a watch tower where the oxygen is as thin as a razor’s blade. The ocean is illuminated with a wavery blue shine from the glossy moon—the stars act like fireflies and glint in and out of existence, dancing and laughing around the smiling moon.
The skunk’s eyes start to scramble out of focus. His head starts to spin like a child's top, wavering on the edge of consciousness and oblivion, long forgetful of the old wooden ghost ship that carries him along with no concern of destination. According to the vessels ledger, the skunk and his crew have been sailing nowhere and everywhere and back for some 300 odd years, odd, weird years they were indeed.
***
The skunk was on his eighth color cycle, so obviously, he had been around for quite some time, but he was sick of it. He’d seen everything and anything a living thing could want to see--do everything and anything anything would want to do. The skunk had once seen a mermaid fight with a shark-lobster in a magnificent spectacle of exploding light, blood, and boobs in an underwater city made of dead bodies, with old dead thrown-out hookers making up the base. Now, hundreds of years later, the skunk was sick of life and everything it had to offer. He couldn’t for the life of him even remember how he ended up on the ship in the first place. Something to do with a bar bet and a transvestite boxer/sailor, the details were hazy. If it was up to Mr. Skunk, he would have ended it long ago… but it wasn't.
The skunk was a born again Christian and knew it was up to God to decide when it was time. The skunk just wished sometimes he’d hurry the hell up. “I just know everything will be alright in the end,” the skunk would say after prayer. “Fate teases me with its bliss—that short infinite, innocent second of light at the end of the tunnel—its there, I just know it! IM READY LORD! TAKE ME NOW! IM READY!” he would scream with his front legs stretched up into the sky, but would only be met with unsure stares from his shipmates.
The skunk never liked his crew and their sketchy stares, especially when he was trying to talk with the Lord. Or when he tried to make love with the cracks in the ship’s rickety planks. No, he didn’t like them at all. That’s why a few odd years back the skunk hacked the entire crew into tiny pieces, which was then made into a nice bitter but sweet bullion soup. The skunks new crew now comprises of a fork, a rotting fish, and a piece of wood named Dan.
***
The skunk gazed lazily up into the sky's eternity—waiting for that magic moment to hit his mind and blow him far away from his shackled carcass; when everything just suddenly--clicked—into place—showing its true self: pure untainted enlightenment. The skunk rubbed his eyes and decided to climb down and find something to fuck.
Chapa 2
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It was a stormy night that made the skunk restless. The ship bounced up and down, then down and up, the crashing waves spraying heavy mist aboard the ship. The skunk was at the bow trying to snatch the fishes that popped up with the waves. One tiny bloopy fish managed to spring right into his hands. It jumped like a fish out of water and cried in a poor child's squeak. "Oh pweese Meester, Dont eat me." The tiny fish squealed. "Its my birfday and--
"Oh its your birthday is it?" the skunk interjected. "Here then, happy birthday." The skunk dangled the fish next to his ass and farted, then tossed it back into the ocean.
The storm went on well into the night. Lightning lit up the black ocean sky every few minutes like a camera in the dark. The skunk was atop the watchtower trying to get a better view of the lightning. He had found a condom in one of the fishes mouth from before, and was contently chewing it like gum while he gazed up into the pouring rain--waiting for more bursts of light--clapping like a mentally unstable dolphin every time.
The skunk started to hum an old lullaby his grandmama once sang to him when he was just a little skunk sperm in his fathers tender crotch. Then the skunk noticed the clouds started to jumble an Irish jig across the sky. His eyes widened as he slowly stopped the hum and spat out the rubber.
Now the clouds were beginning to form a spiral as big as a galaxy. "A glorious galaxy of puff, a wad of cotton candy being stirred for me to be put into a cone at the carnival of lost panda penises," the skunk thought to himself, and giggled. A second later the skunk saw a tiny speck fly out of the cloud's newly formed asshole... and it appeared to be headed straight for him.
The skunk's eyes widened more just before they started to squint, and as the UFO got closer, he was able to make out something with two round ears. It was riding something too, it looked like a log, or a separated phallus, or... or a cucumber? With the lightning striking now at every second, the mysterious flying thing strobed down towards--closer--and closer--and closer to the skunk. And as it neared, "Oh, oh OK," the skunk thought. "It IS a koala, and it IS riding a cucumber--"
There was a crash and then darkness. The skunk could now only hear the fading sound of the raging waves crashing up against the ship, before his mind slowly, s l ow ly melted away from reality and gently crumpled into itself... and then with a sudden PLOP, it imploded into a sausage.
@#$%
Psst.. hey ... hey over here.. Where?.. Over here! I cant see its too dark! Right hear, stupid! Oh, hey, what is it. I have to tell you something. its a secret... swear to god you wont tell anybody? Yes. Alright then.. well.. I eat babies... Oh really?.. Yes... but only certain kinds of babies... Really? what kind... I only eat my FRIENDS babies!... Scoundrel! you told me it was a dingo...
The skunk looked at his watch, the numbers were jumbled. He brought it closer to his face. It was quarter past Santa's uterus... The skunk was in an old grimy New York subway. "Damn 15." The skunk thought. "It was spossed to be here at half past ten. This darn thing is never on time!" Then there was a clank coming from the cracked cement above. It was the skunk's grandma being slowly lowered from a zip-line. She stopped, just hovering above the ground. She was dressed in a military uniform.
"Grandma." The skunk said. What are you doing here? Don't you know you're dead?"
"Yes," she said, glum. "But Mercuries moons are aligned with Pluto's satellites! It's the stars, my grandskunk, they're shimmering like massive dumbells!..." and with that, her face melted into a black shroud of rosy thorns as she was slowly pulled back up into the ceiling by the zip-line. "Hey," the skunk heard someone say behind him. He turned around. It was that koala riding that flying cucumber. He got off and bopped the skunk one good on the skull. The skunk took a step back. The koala zonked him one again, and before he could raise his hand for a third, the skunk dropped down into the fetal position and mumbled, "Please don't bazonk me again, Mr. koala. I give up, my luscious body is yours. Do with it as you will. The koala bazoonked the skunk again. This time, the lights came on.
***
It was a calm morning. The storm was long over. If they were close to land, you could've heard those calming beach sounds of seagulls cawing overhead. The koala stood over the dazed skunk, vegetable in hand. "Hello," the koala said. "Im a koala, and this is my cucumber, Zucchini."
Chapa 3: nueavo revelations
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"The fuck..What? Who?." The pink skunk asked... He laid flat on his back, dazed, looking up into the furry face of a koala and the cloudless sky behind him. "Did the Lord send you? Are you an angel?"
"No," the koala said, "I'm a koala, and my names Kuala, Kuala Lumpur. And I think I should be asking you that same question..."
The sound of laughter and dance of a clown’s ball echoed inside the skunks head. The skunk blinked.
"Well… you see, if your ship hadn't been sailing by, I would have crashed and drowned for sure! You and your ship basically saved my life!
The skunk bloomed like an A bomb. "THIS IS A SIGN! DONT YOU SEE!? This is divine intervention, the Lord has sent you here and this MUST be part of his plan! DON’T YOU GET IT?! DoN't YoU SEEeeeEEEEE!? "
The koala didn't seem to get it; he was too startled from the skunk’s sudden outburst.
“CAN’T YOU SEE? THIS IS AN ACT OF GOD GODDAMNIT!!!” another sudden outburst.
Kuala could see the wild fire in the skunk's raging eyes, bright and primal. Yes, the koala could now see, he could see that this brightly colored skunk had been lost at sea for far too long, and somewhere along the way had lost his mind.
GOD, OH SWEETSWEET LORD, the skunk said into the air.
The pink skunk's perfectly malformed conviction for God had settled and grown through years and years of complete isolation from anything tangible; flaring into birth a psychotic phoenix blazing with fire and madness--forcing the mind to completely recoil in horror and laughter into some deep dark place inside the skunks brightly painted psyche.
OHH DON'T YOU sEE! MR. LUMPAR CAN'T--YOU--SEEEE!? This was no... ACCIDENT!" The skunk raved.
Kuala tried to keep his distance, but was soon cornered against the stern being shaken and screamed at violently. "OHHHH DON'T YOU SEE! THIS IS GOD’S MIRACLE, OH PLEASE WHY CANT YOU SEE!? I PRAYED AND I PRAYED AND HE SPOKE TO ME! HE SAID HE WOULD HELP ME HE WOULD SEND SOMEONE AND NOW LOOK... YOU’RE HERE YOURE HERE TO SAVE ME!
“AY now, STOP…PLEASE!" Kuala flung his arms up, breaking the skunk’s grip and sending him stumbling back and onto his bushy striped tail.
Kuala had his cucumber clenched tightly in his raised hand while the skunk looked up with hurt eyes; he could see the waterworks on their way.
“Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was on some island on business when the storm started up, but due to an emergency I’d rather not talk about, I had to leave immediately.” Kuala explained with urgency, “now I don’t remember much… but I do know those huge clouds just kept pulling me in, I couldn’t get away for the life of me,” the koala said straining and squeezing his mind for better details.
The skunk had gotten up now and was beginning to tickle and prong his furry butt with his paw, then bringing it back to his nose for a good whiff, though still listening intently. “Funny,” Kuala said, ignoring the crude skunk's act. “Yes, it was funny, I never actually felt any wind, and I could have sworn I filled Zucchini with a full tank of baby feces before I left—not to mention this baby has a 9.8 mill. Jewel Flux Compacitator.” The koala proudly thumped his cucumber in his other hand. “Sorry Mr. Pink Skunk, I’ll admit this might have been some sort of freak act by God, but I'm no angel.”
“AHAH!” the skunk shouted quickly. "Then you admit you know GOD!.. or that.. He sent you here for a purpose!"
The koala had pinned the skunk as mentally incompetent the second the skunk opened his mouth. “Shit, no use arguing with this goof troop sonofabitch,” Kuala thought.
“Yea sure,” Kuala admitted, “but really, I’ve never met the guy, nor do I know why he sent me here. I guess it’s just all part of God’s big, divine plan, huh… so we’ll just have to wait it out and see.
Absent of words, the skunk nodded.
“You got any food around here?”
“If the Lord allows… follow me.” The koala accompanied the skunk to the very end of the ship, where the foamy waves below were subtle and blue.
“Now what?” the koala asked.
“We wait.”
“For what?”
“For food.”
“Like, fish?” Kuala asked confuddled.
“Yes, we wait patiently and we pray until God sends us some food, SO IF YOUD LIKE THAT--YOUD BETTER START PRAYING, NOW!... My piss pot is back there--that is if you don’t want any of the Lord’s good grace. It doesn’t taste too good and it might make you sick. I drink it to inflict the pain Jesus might have felt--
“Alright alright Ill pray, Jesus,” Kuala said under his breath.
After an hour or so of waiting and watching the ocean carry the ship farther into nowhere, bobbing up and down, up and down, down and up, up and down and side to side—there was an enormous splash off in the distance.
“JESUS!” Kuala shouted in alarm.
“HUH!? WHERE!” the skunk screamed, springing into life from a hazy sleep.
The skunk had been in a dream where he and Jesus Christ were at a dim lit bar with two burly female lumberjacks, both of whom were dykes. The four of them were playing a board game and hitting the sauce after a hard day at work.
By the time Kuala had seen the splash, Jesus and the skunk were drunk and making sexual advances on the two lumberjills using old bar tricks. "I, I bet you a drink that I can drink these eight chalices, full of my OWN blood, before you can finish three shots…" said a drunk Son of God
“H-Hey… if you, if you, ay ay--lissen to what Im saying… here.“ Jesus put his arm around one of the females and leaned in close. Listen, listen, youu know I got no prom wth YoU dykes, Now, but NOW! My—my fAtHr, on the othr hand, he HATES yous, YoU fags.”
Jesus pulled the large flannel clad women back as she started to scooch away. AAAY! Ay now! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GO TO, TO HELL! YOUR GOMA COME WITH ME AND OLD PINKY Hare, YOU GOT DAT!?
“Ha, yea you tell em J.C.” Old Pinky said just before he was awakened.
“JESUS!”
“HUH!? WHERE!”
“What? NO no, did you see that? A huge splash, I think it was a whale!”
“Oh a whale,” the skunk said as he stretched and yawned. “Kill it. I think there’s piece of wood somewhere around here; you’ll probably have to sharpen it though.”
The skunk lazily nestled back down again and quietly crept back in where Jesus was beginning to sob.
“Can I Tell yOU SometHing, man?” Jesus said wrapping his arm around the now human sized skunk’s head. "I dit did it, I mean… I did it, mann! Jesus confessed, I fucked Mary, man! I FuCked HER….FUCKED HER SUCKED HER FUCKED—FUCKED HER!” Jesus wined as he had his face in his palms. “She’s a whore man, AND I LOVE HER! *crying more* I din plan it…I MeAn, me and my apostles were just.. like you know, wanted to have a fun night on the town and then and then then Matthew suggested, we, we,,, The rest was muffled as he buried his face into Pinky’s breast. SHHh, there there.” Suddenly the skunk was jolted from yet another dream from yet another splash just a foot away from the large wooden vessel. A great foamy blue wall rose and crashed into the ship, knocking Kuala’s cucumber into another world and almost capsizing them and the whole boat.
Out of the splash rose a large yellow goliath of a bloopy fish.
I AM KING BLOOPY FISH, King Bloopy fish thundered, exploding mountains. ARE YOU THE PINK SKUNK WHO… PASSEDD GAAS ON MY SON! The royal fish yelled, his vibrations echoing off heaven and hell.
The pink skunk’s bowls relaxed. “It was him,” the pink skunk said pointing to Kuala beside him.
The large fish looked them over. “Never mind, ILL JUST CRUSH YOU BOTH!
The skunk let out a frightened meep, MEEP! Then shot off like a bullet to the opposite side of the ship.
“Sonofabitch,” Kuala said as he watched him pull off a pretty nice nose dive off into the ocean.
King Bloopy fish slowly submerged himself to look for the skunk--He was spotted immediately—pathetically flailing his limbs about under the water. King Bloopy fish swiped him up with his fin and swallowed him whole.
The pink skunk reached the stomach and its acid with a splash. His fur instantly melted off his newly scorched skin. As his bones embarrassingly started to show, the skunk lowered his head like he was in time-out and thought about what he had done. The boiled off nerve endings allowed him to repent and pray in peace.
Unbeknownst to everyone, the bloopy fish had turned over and died; the old pink skunk had inadvertently sacrificed his life for Kuala. King Bloopy fish was none too smart, for he didn’t know that pink skunks have a special defense mechanism designed exactly for situations like this.
Toxic enzymes and chemicals in the coats of pink skunks are released when burned or tampered with. They invade the left hemisphere of the fish’s brain, turning them into a cognitively disabled mermaid, mentally. And we all know retarded mermaids can’t swim, and thus: King Bloopy has drowned.
The now grotesquely burnt and boiling skunk sat brewing in quite darkness, praying in confession to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
As the last smoky wisp of spirit left the skunk carcass, a white screen door of soft sunshine appeared in front of the pink skunk. He heard the chirp of bluebirds and laughs of innocent children as they watched rainbows chasing shadows over hills of frozen honey, and in the distance he could see unicorns fighting in glory against white crows.
The screen door creaked open as the pink skunk slowly walked through and into the yellow sunlit world where he would join the jovial panda bears in picking stellar star flowers out in the celestial gardens.
Old Pinkie smiled.
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*****
Way up high on the swaying watchtower, the koala hugged himself into a tight package of fear and mental torment.
The lost ghost ship continued to drift aimlessly, carrying the koala farther and farther into a dark stage of technicolored psychosis. All perception of reality gone, he could only think of what happened before he crash landed on the ship—even his memory of the pink skunk was garnished and rusty.
However, the long past days before his arrival stuck in his mind like a rusty nail hammered into the brain stem. He played it over and over, frequently sending his mind into tense spastic convulsions.
****
It was the perfect day. The sun was sending friendly vibes down to its favorite planet while the moon looked on in approval. It was all planned, practiced, and coordinated down to a science. “Nobodyn*obodyN!OBODY! was supposed to be hurt, itwasn’t suppose$dtohapp@enlike thatthatT..” Kuala thought, again and again.
!!!!
The blood splattered walls had become a permanent decor in the koala's mind, the torn off limbs, the eye sockets rupturing with rot, split and shattered teeth!... all of this becoming a big rusty ball of twisted metal inside the koala’s head. “But It wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my fault, wasnt wasnt,” Kuala repeated.
Right before landing on the ship, the koala had become one of the most wanted marsupials on Hamburger Island. A chupacabre, a young rebellious undead girl, the son of a preacher man, and Kuala himself were on the run--they were wanted for the brutal massacre of two babies, one pregnant women, two non-pregnant women, four elderly men and a kangaroo, all during a bank heist gone wrong--horribly, horribly wrong.
Kuala managed to escape the scene while the other three were immediately picked off from snipers stationed on nearby clouds—three clean headshots, and the last just grazing the eye lashes of the koala as he soared off into the darkening sky on his cucumber.
Just as he jetted over the orange horizon, Kuala felt a sharp hard thud behind him that almost knocked him off his cucumber. He couldn’t move. There was an apache hatchet impaled deep into his back. It had sliced his spinal cord in two like a split thread.
As he fell paralyzed from atop his cucumber, as his vision slowly blurred out of focus, he caught a fleeting glimpse of what he thought was a great bronze Indian wearing a fantastic peacock headdress. He was riding atop a great flying white stallion made of diamonds that shot a million glittering rays of light into the koalas eyes as he fell into darkness.
xxxx
As the koala rose from the ships watch tower, his groin started to tingle. He now more then ever regretted losing Zucchini to the great blue unknown. He stretched and decided to climbed down and find something to fuck.
THE END!
[spoiler] and one more thing.. iknow there might be some plot holes.. but i didnt really settle on the ending pretty much till the last story...so huh.. did yall got the hint that the ship was like... limbo and the skunk finally made it and blah blah blah? did ya? just curious to know what you thought or if this piece of shit story made no sense at all to you.. and so on.. oh and more bonus material: alt ending.. well i was gonna do something about buddism and karma and all that cause you know of all the stuff that happend. but anyway. im on crack but im done. Thank you for your time and patience. i hope you enjoyed yourself as much as i did. thank you. questions comments concerns?
keep writing, I'm sure there are people who'll love it! 
... wait... you said.. uber... no i think you do have some sperm stuck there.. yea, right there... there, ok you got it.