Diamante Defense

8 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
Prologue

People say things change over time. Any species develop different habits, personalities, and instincts to be able to live with their surrounding environment. This applies to the human race as well.
The year has been forgotten. There’s no need to keep track of time. There is a kind of peace in the world. This kind of peace was not wanted.

---

“Mariel, could you help me?” I looked up from writing in one of my many journals to my mother, Gail. Or rather, just someone I saw as a mother. This side of me saw her that way, I mean. I stood up, tossing my journal in a pile of other journals and papers, and walked over to her. She was cooking something, the aroma filling the air as she did so, and handed me a tomato. “Could you cut that?” she asked simply, keeping her chocolate eyes on a pot and she stirred it, adding spices every once in awhile.

“Sure,” I said and smiled as I took the tomato and started cutting it swiftly and accurately on a wooden cutting board. “So you’re making soup?” I guessed as I finished cutting and put it in a bowl.

“Yes, I am,” Gail said without looking away from the pot. All I could see was her shoulder length, dark brown hair that was starting to show a few gray hairs. There was a pause after her simple answer where I felt awkward, shifting from foot to foot. “How is Darlic?”

“I’m fine,” I answered swiftly, my body relaxing. “Are you not used to this yet? I’ve been like this my whole life.” By ‘this’ of course I meant me. Well, we, if the right terms are used. I was born like this, though. The whole new generation was.

“How can I be used to your double personality?” she said, continuing to stir the soup. “I haven’t lived around anyone your age. When your parents died I didn’t expect you to be like this when I took you in. I expected a completely normal nineteen-year-old.”

“I’m not bipolar, you know. Six months should be long enough for you to know that by now,” I said as I frowned, clearly insulted by that assumption. I grabbed my black leather jacket and bag, putting them on, and I went back to the couch I was sitting at earlier. I picked up the journal and looked at it before putting it into my bag. “I’ll be back,” I, Darlic, said as I headed toward the door. “Don’t let the diamante come in. If you hear or see them make sure you know where something is you can hit them with,” I said as I put on a pair of boots. I paused and sighed.

I turned toward her with a smile. “Be careful, please. I’m just going to the waterfall to get some food. I’ll be back soon. Even before you’re done with that soup!” I, Mariel, said cheerfully and left our small trailer home and stepped out onto the dry land we lived on.

I grabbed a metal pole that was leaning on the trailer and carried to my motor bike, strapping it on the side before getting on the bike myself. I put a helmet on my straight black hair and sunglasses over my dark eyes. I checked the condition of the bike before starting it up and racing across the crusted ground.

I started slowing as the land showed more plants. I was used to coming here and was very familiar with the area. I knew where to go or where not to go. I knew hiding places if any diamante came and how to even make a trap for them. The pole was merely for if they did catch sight of me.

I stopped at the base of a mountain where a steam ran down the side. I got off my bike and walked it over to a hand-made hole in the mountain which I made over a month. It became useful. I took the helmet off, shaking my head to make sure I didn’t have helmet hair. I took the pole off and held it parallel to my side as I started walking up the mountain.

After just a few minutes I tensed when I heard the shuffling of feet. Another human was here? The only people who live even close to here are miles away and Gail doesn’t have any other way to get here besides walking, which she shouldn’t do so much of at her age. I quickly molded my body against a tree, looking slightly around it to try and spot the mystery person.

A gasped as a young man stumbled out of some bushes, falling on the ground, his face pressed against the dirt by gravity. I stayed hidden as he sighed. He got up and wiped his nose to clear his face of blood (he probably broke his nose from hitting the ground so hard) and leaned against a tree. He winced and snapped his neck forward in pain before fingering the lower back of his head. He brought his hand in front of his face to show blood steaming down his fingers. His face twisted in disgust. He was mumbling but all I could understand was a few words. I knew what happened to him right when he said the words “red diamonds” and revealed myself.

“Diamante,” I simply said, not wanted to do the complicated introduction I usually have to do when meeting someone.

His eyes were wide as he saw me and he smiled before going stiff and staring untrustingly at me. “What do you mean?” He said with a monotone voice. “What are those?”

I looked at him as if he was a complete idiot before explaining. “The thing that made the wound on your head, the ‘red diamond’ as you called it, was a diamante. They’re also called diamante crimson for their color. They’re advanced technology that kill people by simply making a wound similar to the one on your head and killing you straight from your mind,” I said, copying his monotone voice.

He smiled. “Oh! I’ve never heard of them. They surprised me,” he said and wiped his clean hand through his short black hair. He stood up, using the tree for support, and held his hand out. He took it back when he saw it was the blood-covered one and made an apologetic look to me before holding out his other hand.

I raised my eyebrow at him, not wanting to even meet this man. Not this side of him anyway. I rolled my eyes before relaxing again.

I smiled at him and shook his hand happily. “I’m Mariel,” I said, using the name for this side of me; this mind.

He smiled even wider, if possible, and introduced himself. “I’m Davis,” he said and then after a short pause added “and Erick.” He fiddled with his fingers after letting go of my hand. It almost seemed like he was unsure of his own answer. I smiled and relaxed again.

“I’m also Darlic,” I said. He was like me after all. This whole generation was given two minds.
“You, too?” He asked, surprised. “I didn’t know…”

“It’s the only way we can protect ourselves naturally against the diamante. While they’re trying to kill one mind the other attacks and protects. Why do you not know this? You should,” I said, questioning his lack of knowledge.

“I was left in the dark all my life. I had two minds and no one told me why. I thought it was the bipolar disorder-”

I cut him off quickly. “It’s not bipolar.”

“I know that now! So you’re Darlic?” I nodded. “Can I talk to Mariel?” He asked.

I looked at him questioningly but nodded before relaxing, giving up my dominance.

“Why do you want to talk to me?” I asked curiously.

“You don’t seem to get annoyed at me!” Davis said happily yet he seemed slightly scared. “I, Erick, don’t mind her… you…” he said, unsure of how to speak to me.

I shrugged.

“So… can you tell me what’s going on? Oh, and it would be nice to know where I am,” he said. I guessed Davis was the one used most of the time. I, Mariel, didn’t mind it. I found his personality attractive.

“I’m not good at explaining things…” I admitted.

“Darlic is,” he said.

“Yes, I am,” I said with a smirk. I was about to start explain before I looked at him curiously.
He looked back at me with matching curiosity then his eyes widened before they disappeared from sight and he fell, blood streaming from his head wound down his back. He was loosing a lot of blood.
"I write for the same reason I breath - because if I didn't, I would die." -Isaac Asimov
"We read frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -Harold Bloom




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 89
Don't make me do it. XD Okay here goes: "I think this story would belong better in scifi" :3 Told you.

Anywho. I'm not one of your masterminds who do the "nitpicks" things so I'm going to talk more about characters and etc.

The opening paragraph was great for drawing a reader it. It makes you think of the evolution of the world.

For a prologue, a whole lot was explained. Maybe save a bit of the WHY this generation has two minds instead.

Next, this just occurred to me: wouldn't it take a few generations to evolve, according to the most widely accepted theory of evolution: Darwin's?? Because the two mind thing would save one person (though they'd be a mutant) and they'd go on to reproduce and then their children might have same gene. And it would go on. But it'd take a couple generations. *shrug* Don't have to listen to me though, because I like how the adopted mother is confused about Mariel/Darlic. :)

Other than these things, good prologue. It makes me REALLY want to know what happens next. If you could please PM me (or IM me, or send me a message on DA, or text me. :D) when you post the next chapter of this.

-Pinata.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 70
so.. this is in the future.. where time dosnt need to be kept track of? why not? what happend? theres a type of peace in the world? thats kool, who doesnt like peace.. oh, these people? who are these people and why dont they want this peace? and like you said.. things change in the world including humons... how are they changing... different personalities? as that guy mentioned they still reckognize diseases like bipolar disorder.. id just catgoraize this guy as crazy. or schitzo.. you know.. so you can see wehre i get confused.. but maybe i missed somthing.. and theres some grammar errors here and there but then you probably dont care as alot of them are just a mattter of double checking.. but huh.. the ending was nice. i liked it.. which is a trend im seeing here.. i guess everybodies saving their best for last
purple bunnies hop at midnight




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
Cool concept, with the dual personalities, but it was extremely confusing! You kept using "I" for two people, and I couldn't keep up with who was talking at what point. I understand that's because of the two personalities, but I would suggest using a third person perspective. Generally, you just used the word "I" too much. There was like four sentences in a row all starting with "I" followed by the past tense of a verb. Very repetative and annoying. I like where the plot is going, though! Quite original.
I've been blinded...

BY SCIENCE!!!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
thanks for the comments!
Pinata, you'll see later on how it's more action :) the mind thing and diamante are the only Scifi... that's why I put it in the description. Also, you have a good point there and yes that has came to mind :) Darwin... yes. a good man. *grin* I do have a plan for that... just wait... :) You'll always know when the next chapter is. :)
I'll go back and try to fix some of the grammar mistakes. As for awswering the questions I'd rather not too that in a prologue. The mystery behind it will be releaved as the story goes on. So, Xena, thanks but it's better to not answer everything in the prologue, no?
As for the "I" thing, Smoo, I will try to change up the sentence structure a bit. I was purposefully making it confusing at first, as weird as that sounds. Usually it makes people want to understand. The terms will change with how they address everything as the two minds is explained. :)
"I write for the same reason I breath - because if I didn't, I would die." -Isaac Asimov
"We read frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -Harold Bloom




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
I double posted this so I'm bringing a comment from the other one here so I can delete that one!

From syte:
"Quote:
she asked simply, keeping her chocolate eyes on a pot as she stirred it, adding spices every once in awhile


Quote:
“Don’t let the diamante come in. If you hear or see them make sure you know where something is you can hit them with,”
I'd change the sentence to something like "...if you hear or see them, make sure you have somethng to hit them with."

Quote:
stopped at the base of a mountain where a steam ran down the side.
A steam? Take away the a.

Quote:
I got off my bike and walked it over to a hand-made hole in the mountain which I made over a month ago.


Quote:
Another human was here? The only people who live even close to here are miles away, and Gail doesn’t have any other way to get here besides walking
I don't know if this is your style, because some authors seem really liberal with commas. Anyway, I added a comma to break up the clauses.

Quote:
He was mumbling, but all I could understand was a few words


Quote:
I knew what happened to him right when he said the words “red diamonds” and revealed myself.
This sentence makes it sound as though the other person did the revealing. Change the last clause into, "and then I revealed myself."

Quote:
I was about to start explain before I looked at him curiously


I like the concept. I must have done some thinking before you sat down and wrote this."
"I write for the same reason I breath - because if I didn't, I would die." -Isaac Asimov
"We read frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -Harold Bloom




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2702
Reviews 867
I deleted the other thread. If you run into trouble, just contact a mod.

-Grif.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
thank you, griffinkeeper! Very much appriciated!
"I write for the same reason I breath - because if I didn't, I would die." -Isaac Asimov
"We read frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -Harold Bloom



Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?
— Mary Oliver