Lonely

Thanks for the thoughts

Hey........amazing work there.You kept very simple and straightforward.I could quite understand the situation of the lonely boy and I guess every one at some point of time in their life goes through stuff like this.

A really strange thought crossed my mind though when you mentioned the cold paned glass.Is it about a person with some deadly disease being quarantined?

I liked the ironical humor in the last line.

Good work there.

Hello.

As everyone else has stated, not bad for your first whole poem.

listen to sexisadi. she has said it all for me. It's basically the grammar and structure, but if that is your first then, don't worry, just listen to all comments on here,and google

keep writing

and goodluck for the future!

I liked this poem. Dont you hate it when you are right? lol But anyways I was looking for a critique but I couldn't find anything wrong...so job well done.

Hi Blink!
Cool poem

I whisper my words

through the cold paned glass.

No ear can hear them,

no voice replies.

The third line to this sound kind of awkward. I mean, the meaning is there, but it sounds funny. I don't know... I think maybe if you changed it to "No ear to hear them" it would sound better.

I especially liked this stanza:

My hand presses

against the window

in the hope that someone,

somewhere,

in the sea of sighs,

will see me.

Maybe it's not the most original image, but you can really see the narrator with their hand on the window and looking out and you can almost feel the narrator's longing to be noticed.

Another thing I liked about this part is the "in the sea of sighs" section. At first I really had no idea what that was supposed to mean and thought it was sort of unnecessary, but I think I do understand it now and how it flows with the rest of the stanza. I really think it helps with the overall mood of the poem and, again, the longing behind this.

One thing I do think is unnecessary, though, is the "somewhere" part. I know that usually after the word "someone" there's a "somewhere", but this stanza seems slightly cluttered to me, which is probably why I initially didn't see the meaning of "in the sea of sighs". I think this messes with the flow of the poem. To fix it, I'd say maybe omitting the "somewhere" part or the "in the sea of sighs" part. But really, I do like the way the "sea of sighs" part works, so I'd recommend keeping it and removing the "somewhere".

I also really liked this line:

I guess – I always guess –

I like how here it shows another part of the narrator's personality, where the narrator is always unsure about things. Again, it adds to the mood.

I think that some of the concepts and phrases you have here (like "in the sea of sighs" and "the colour of blindness") are pretty vague. Maybe not so much "the colour of blindness" but anyway, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it can get confusing. "the sea of sighs" could mean a gazillion things. Of course, as NavysLittleReject said, vagueness can add to the mystery of the poem and therefore, imagination, but I do think that as a writer/poet you'd want at least the base of your idea to get across. I spent a some time deciphering this poem, trying to find the meaning and rereading things. (Of course, when I finally did, it was totally worth it.) Though, I guess when you're talking about loneliness, abstract ideas are sort of just part of the package. I think if you had an abstract idea, but explained it in more concrete terms (and vice versa), that would be amazing. Um sorry for ranting here

I won't pretend to be an expert in poetry, but I have to say that I thought this poem, overall, was pretty good. I liked the partly suppressed emotion and longing behind all this. I actually also really like the narrator. Yeah... that's kind of weird, but I feel like I can relate to the person, in the way that everybody knows how it feels to be lonely. Maybe not as intensely as this person, but lonely still.

I enjoyed your poem a lot once I started to understand it and... yeah. Really great job!
-- Miss Ching