Lonely

Rewrite:

zomg im lonely lulz hahaha
i need to look outside
where there are nymphs attacking my walls
i lied. there are none.

bon bon


****


And here is the original...

Hi! So, I sort of wrote this on the spur of the moment, it's very tacky and the first real poem I've written. Thanks for reading, comments really appreciated!

******

I whisper my words
through the cold paned glass.
No ear can hear them,
no voice replies.

I see men dressed
in the colour of blindness,
they ignore me,
I ignore them.

My hand presses
against the window
in the hope that someone,
somewhere,
in the sea of sighs,
will see me.

I guess – I always guess –
that all eyes will turn away
upon my appearance.

Then
after a few seconds I realise:
I hate being right.

Not bad at all for your first poem! I like it quite a bit actually. I just don't understand the ending at all. Make that a little more clear and you'd have a winner! I hope you continue poetry! Read other poems and learn from their critiques so you don't make the same mistakes. Good luck and keep writing!

Yoyo

Hm...I sorta like the first stanza because of the phrase, "cold, paned glass;" reading it aloud would make me wonder whether you meant "paned" or "pained." My interest kind of evaporates towards the end, though, and I'll try to describe why.

One of the biggest mistakes people first starting to write poetry make is using abstract nouns. As opposed to concrete nouns, which are tangible things that one can see and touch in person, abstract nouns are just ideas, and the reason why concrete is favorable for poetry is because the idea of writing poetry is the idea of communicating an idea through imagery. Here's a bit of an example.

The word "life" is an abstract noun. If I used the word "life" somewhere randomly in a piece of poetry, one person might get the image of the Earth, while another, contrarily, might get the image of a baby. If I simply used the word "Earth" or "baby," depending on the context of the poem, it would actually paint a picture for the reader, however simple.

Heh, yeah. Sorry for the rant, but it leads me to your second stanza, in the phrase "colour of blindness." I can hear that you're trying to sound eloquent, but it's so strained that reading it over, I'm not sure you understand what you were trying to say. Yeah, "colour" and "blindness" are virtual opposites, but what were you trying to say by writing that the men wear it? Are they wearing nothing? Are you ignoring them because they're grody old people?

Sorry for the long-winded reply, but I've gotta get back into critiquing; haven't done it in awhile, and it's starting to get tedious repeating things I've told other people a few times without glazing over and forgetting the content of what I'm trying to say. I just hope I was helpful in some way.

So...uh...keep on writing, eh?

Thanks both of you!

Qultur--that concrete noun stuff was actually very helpful!

Thanks

This is good for your first attempt

It sort of confused me a little and I didn't quite understand what was going on. I felt that the final three stanzas where a little long winded and could've been condensed down. The third last one was the longest but it said the least. I think you need to go back to your original idea and really think about what you were trying to say and convey it in a more condensed way. There is nothing wrong with the length of it, I just feel in unnecessary.



I really liked the first stanza. I really pictured someone leading against a window, looking at the passers by and feeling distant from then.

But as I said I didn't quite understand where this poem led to, I feel as if you are missing a key point.

Keep working at it.

Ye, I didn't really know where I was going with this.

Thanks for the crit.

Keep it up; poetry's all about learning the subtelties of language, the sounds and images attached to the words.

For a first peom, this is preatty dang good! Tweek it just a little, make the words flow a little better, and you will really have something

Thanks both of you,

I suddenly enjoy writing poetry

For your first poem - I'm impressed. It flowed pretty well, the ending was a bit too abrupt for me but, you have plenty of time to learn the art of poetry. =) Don't ask me though, I write stories - poetry doesn't really involve much vivid detail (other than emotion) so I don't fit too well in that scene =/

Anyway, I think you did a good job =] My favorite part was:

My hand presses

against the window

in the hope that someone,

somewhere,

in the sea of sighs,

will see me.

I really like how you used, "in the sea of sighs it flows perfectly

What I immediately imagined was a teenager in an insane asylum staring at a crowd of people through the confines in his cell.



I know. I have a pretty wierd imagination. This was a good poem. I really enjoyed it, so keep writing.



By the way, your poem also reminded me of a song. It's from the soundtrack to Gothica and Limp Bizkit's CD "Results May Vary".



It's called "Behind Blue Eyes". The video features Fred Durst in a mental institution with Haley Berry as his doctor.



It's pretty hot. Anyway, I'm rambling here, but nice poem.



Peace out.

Wow, your first poem? It was pretty good for the first one you've written!
Anyways, I think it's kind of vague... If you maybe made the ending a tad bit more clear and all, it would be an even better poem.
Hope this helps!
-KaatiieBugg

Hello,

Ok, here I go with the crit...



I whisper my words

through the cold paned glass. (capatalize the 't')

No ear can hear them,

no voice replies. (capatalize the 'n')


I see men dressed

in the colour of blindness, (capatalize the 'i') (use a period instead of the comma)

they ignore me, (capatalize the 't')

I ignore them.


My hand presses

against the window (capatalize the 'a')

in the hope that someone, (capatalize the 'i')

somewhere, (capatalize the 's')

in the sea of sighs, (capatalize the 'i')

will see me. (capatalize the 'w')


I guess – I always guess –

that all eyes will turn away (capatalize the 't')

upon my appearance. (capatalize the 'u')


Then, (comma)

after a few seconds I realise: (and last but not least, capatalize the 'a')

I hate being right.



This was really good, besides the few punctuation mistakes.

-Sadie

Thanks everyone for the reviews!

Sadie--as with prose, you only capitalise the first letter of each sentence, and of a proper noun, but thanks

I agree with the masses. This was good for your first poem, so definitely keep it up. Don't worry about being vague. It can sometimes leave more to the imagination. Kind of like a mystery. Don't know about you, but I enjoy something about mystery and things that aren't very clear. Makes you wonder what the writer was thinking.