It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace! we ended up going to the outer limits of the city.
He realized that this ride was going to take awhile.
“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”
“yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” I said, annoyed.
“Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I am lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated.
“Woodcrest, I believe,” I replied, “why?”
“Yeah, I know. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated.
“This is it?” He asked as he eyed the gate.
It was two stories Victorian style with a wrap around porch. Beside it was a garage that was just as big as the house.
I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long.
We were greeted with old house smell. The inside of the house look modern and yet had a traditional felt to it. I should heard our feet against the hardwood floor.
“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” She asked as she sat down on one of the stools.
I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid went slipped down my throat. I opened my eyes to see her shurg.
“I am just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.
) But I know that you are correcting big-time now so I knew that you would want a review like this. So I gave it!
The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown.
“It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said.
My Captian i thought. i was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.
I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long.
I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace!
I retorted. I can more then handle myself
Why couldn’t the damn human shut his mouth? And what with (the?)questions?
“Yeah, (I('ve heard of...) know of (know...about) you), but I have never met you. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated. My Captian i thought. i was on the fencing too, he just never to (took?) interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.
Well done 
I like this paragraph so much more than the first chapter, seriously, this is much better He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation.
i thought. i was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.
This is so much better than the first chapter. Millions of times better, Your character development is going great, you can thank your dialogue for this and the details you are now including. The dialogue is well thought out. I congradulate you xD
He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation.
After that, we rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for; until he asked another question.
As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia I thought. Adelicia was a petite young woman. She wore a black dress with black tights, which contrasted with her blond hair and blue eyes. I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long.
“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. She was sitting on the steps.
I opened the fridge and got out the blood-wine, and then I opened the cabinet and got a glass. I poured some into it and put the bottle away back into the fridge.
“Where are the others?” I asked as I gulped the drink.
Chapter two
We rode the bike at city speed limits. I passed blunt directions to Adam via the microphones in our helmets and ground my teeth over the bike’s slow pace. It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace! we ended up going to the outer limits of the city. The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation. I agree with kitty15 that yuo need more description here.
“How the hell did you get into the city, if you live all the way out here?” he spoke into the microphone.
“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”
“It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said.
“I know, but I can handle myself,” I retorted. I can more then handle myself.
He laughed. He had a deep, rich laugh. New paragraph (I have it here as it should be)
“So, you have sisters,” he commented, trying to keep the conversation going. I nodded. But she's behind him, so he woudn't see?
“Yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” I said, annoyed. Why did he want to know every little detail about me? I mean it not like he's going to mean something to me. You say mean twice in that sentence. I would also take out "I mean". But if you keep it in, it should be written,
I mean, it's not like he'll ever matter to me.
“Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I'm lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. After that, we rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for; until he asked another question. Why couldn’t the damn human shut his mouth? And what with questions? The last sentence is odd.
“Hey. What school do you go to?” he asked; I had to think for a moment.
“Woodcrest,” I replied, “Why?”
“Just wanted to know. Did you know that we go to the same school?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yeah, I know of you, but I have never met you. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated. My Captian, I thought. I was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.
Ok, when she thinks, put it in italics. It's easier to read. I did that and also changed capitalization errors
“Well hey, you seem to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said. Nor do I want you to I thought. He pulled onto a gravel road and stopped when we came upon a big gate. He turned off the bike and took off his helmet. I got off and took off mine.
“This is it?” he asked as he eyed the gate.
“Yep. Here,” I said as I held out the helmet to him. He took it and placed it behind him. “Thanks for the ride, even though you didn’t have to.”
“It’s the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said.
I smiled.
“ Will you be able to get in?” he pointed to the gate.
These needed to be new paragraphs.
“Yeah,” I said as I pulled out a little, blue card from my back pocket. I walked up to a box and put the card in. I typed in the code and viola! The gate was open. Adam eyed the long drive.
“It still looks pretty far. Can I drive you up to the house?” he asked. Good try, but…nah I thought as I tried not to smile at him. [/b]So all of a sudden they're in love? That was fast...
“Nah. I will be fine,” I said as I walked backwards past the gate. Once I was behind the gatepost, they started to close.
“Hey! I still don’t know you. I only know you by your first name,” he cried. I smiled and giggled like a little girl.
“You will find out the rest. Tomorrow at school,” I said as I continued walking backwards. He begrudgingly took that, as I wasn’t going to tell him anything more and put his helmet back on. He waved his hand and left. I about gagged as the exhaust fumes hit me. I waved in return before turning around and walking up to the house as the gate fully closed. From a distance you could see the beauty of my family’s house. It was two stories Victorian style home with a wrap around porch. Beside it was a garage that was just as big as the house.
As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia[b], I thought. Adelicia was a petite young woman. She wore a black dress with black tights, which contrasted with her blond hair and blue eyes. I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long.
I fixed the thinking part again. Also, the last part of the last sentence is weird.[b]
“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. She was sitting on the steps.
“Who was that?” she asked and stood up as I walked by her.
“Just some guy I met at my old place,” I answered as I opened the wooden door. We both walked inside. We were greeted with old house smell. It smelled musty, like the back of the closet with mothballsThe inside of the house looked modern and yet had a traditional felt to it. I could heard our feet shuffle against the hardwood floor. I took out my iPod and set it on the small table across from the closet. I took off my jacket, revealing my Paramore t-shirt. I opened the closet door, took out a hanger, and hung it up. I closed the closet door and I grabbed my iPod and went to the kitchen, with Adelicia trailing behind me.
[b]Paramore, lol? I can't imagine a vampire liking the music of weak humans, let alone happy, peppy Paramore!
“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” she asked as she sat down on one of the stools. She leaned against the counter and peered at me.
“God, no!” I cried in surprise, “He’s human, for Pete’s sake, and I just met the guy.” She stared at me. I opened the fridge and got out the blood-wine, and then I opened the cabinet and got a glass. I poured some into it and put the bottle away back into the fridge.
“Where are the others?” I asked as I gulped the drink. I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid went slipped down my throat. I opened my eyes to see her shrug. I sipped at the drink, thinking.
“Oh, by the way. Landon says he wants to see you about something. Something with the council,” she said as she looked at me. What is it with staring at me? I thought. She looked like I had insulted her. Aren’t I allowed to look at you? Her voice entered my head.
“Yes, but you don’t do it this often,” I said as I looked at her with concern.
“I'm just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.
“Why?” I asked in surprise.
“You know the rules and jazz. I just don’t want you to get involved with the human and have to pay the price for it,” she said.
“I know. Where is Landon? I might as well see what he wants,” I said as I shook my head. What does he want now?
“He is in the study,” she said, “I would be careful, he hasn’t had a good day.”
“Thanks for the warning.” I said as I walked away, taking my drink with me. With a sway of my hips, I went upstairs and walked the entire way back through the hallway. I knocked on the end door.
“Enter,” a deep voice said from the other side. I turned the knob and went in.
Night Mistress wrote:Chapter two
We rode the bike at city speed limits. I passed blunt directions to Adam via the microphones in our helmets and ground my teeth over the bike’s slow pace. It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace! We ended up going to the outer limits of the city. The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. He realized that this ride was going to take a[gap]while. So he started a conversation.
“How the hell did you get into the city, if you live all the way out here?” he spoke into the microphone.
“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”
“It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said.
“I know, but I can handle myself,” I retorted. I can more then handle myself. He laughed. He had a deep, rich laugh [I like the added in description of his laugh as you're unable at this point to describe his facial features; great job! (: ].
“So, you have sisters,” he commented, trying to keep the conversation going.
[NP>>]I nodded, but then realising he couldn't see me I replied, with a hint of annoyance, [I have deleted this NP >>]“Yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” [s]I said, annoyed[/s]. Why did he want to know every little detail about me? I mean it's not like he's going to mean something to me. He's a lower life form [I would maybe have this bit in italics - although I'm not too sure whether the thought is direct enough for italics or not, what do you think?].
“Wow. Your parents must have a hand full then. I'm lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. After that, we rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for; until he asked another question. Why couldn’t the damn human shut his mouth? And what with questions?
“Hey, what school do you go to?” he asked; I had to think for a moment.
“Woodcrest,” I replied, “Why?”
“Just wanted to know. Did you know that we go to the same school?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yeah, I know of you, but I have never met you. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated [you've already used stated once, and this one is a little bit close to the previous one, so try replacing it?]. My Captain I thought. I was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me [this doesn't quite make sense; was too meant to be took?]; which was strange, seeing that he was taking a lot of interest in me now.
“Well hey, you seem to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said. Nor do I want you to[comma] I thought. He pulled onto a gravel road and stopped when we came upon a big gate [show instead of tell!]. He turned off the bike and took off his helmet. I got off and took off mine.[You use off a lot here - try and swap/change the words around so that doesn't happen?]
“This is it?”[why is he asking this question as he stopped there by his own accord? You need to add in your MC giving him directions - even if you just say, I muttered the instructions to him, or whatever, you just need to mention it somewhere, as it seems as though he knows where she lives, up until this point that he's stopped the bike in front of the gate and watched your MC get out that he then asks whether this is her home or not - it doesn't sound right does it? So, just add in a little here and there about your MC directing him to her house, and it should be fine (: ] he asked as he eyed the gate.
“Yep. Here,” I said as I held out the helmet to him. He took it and placed it behind him. “Thanks for the ride, even though you didn’t have to.”
“It’s the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said. I smiled. “ Will you be able to get in?” he pointed to the gate.
“Yeah,” I said as I pulled out a little, blue card from my back pocket. I walked up to a box and put the card in. I typed in the code and viola! The gate was open [did the gate slide smoothly open or did it creak and then stop to a halt half-way? Show us, please!!]. Adam eyed the long drive.
“It still looks pretty far. Can I drive you up to the house?” he asked. Good try, but…nah [comma, and this should be in italics as it's a direct thought]I thought as I tried not to smile at him.
“Nah. I will be fine,” I said as I walked backwards past the gate. Once I was behind the gatepost, they started to close.
“Hey! I still don’t know you. I only know you by your first name,” he cried. I smiled and giggled like a little girl.
“You will find out the rest. Tomorrow at school,” I said as I continued walking backwards. He begrudgingly took that [how did your MC know that? Try describing his facial expressions - are there any little quirks that your MC notices about him...?], as I wasn’t going to tell him anything more and put his helmet back on. He waved his hand and left. I about gagged [you need to try and rephrase this - it's a little awkward] as the exhaust fumes hit me. I waved in return before turning around and walking up to the house as the gate fully closed. From a distance you could see the beauty of my family’s house. It was a two [s]stories[/s] storeys Victorian style home with a wrap[hyphen]around porch. Beside it was a garage that was just as big as the house. [Could I have more description about the house, please? And also your MC's thoughts/emotions towards it? Maybe add in a flashback of when she first arrived there or something like that to make the house seem on more oof a personal level to your MC?]
As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia[comma, and italics] I thought. Adelicia was a petite young woman. She wore a black dress with black tights, which contrasted with her blond hair and blue eyes [nice charcter description - great job =D]. I noticed that she had no shoes, so she [s]wasn’t[/s] hadn't been out there for long.
“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. [s]She was sitting on the steps[/s] [a bit too random, if you want to keep it, you need to have it earlier on when your MC spots someone sitting on the porch steps. Also, who is Adelicia?].
“Who was that?” she asked and stood up as I walked by her.
“Just some guy I met at my old place,” I answered as I opened the wooden door. We both walked inside. We were greeted with an old house smell. It smelled musty, like the back of the closet with mothballs[full stop] The inside of [s]the[/s] our house looked modern and yet had a traditional feel to it. I could hear[s]d[/s] our feet shuffle against the hardwood floor. I took out my iPod and set it on the small table across from the closet. I took off my jacket, revealing my [colour] Paramore t-shirt. I opened the closet door, took out a hanger, and hung it up. I closed the closet door and I grabbed my iPod and went to the kitchen, with Adelicia trailing behind me.
“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” she asked as she sat down on one of the stools. She leaned against the counter and peered at me.
“God, no!” I cried in surprise, “He’s human, for Pete’s sake, and I just met the guy.” She stared at me. I opened the fridge and got out the blood-wine, and then I opened the cabinet and got a glass. I poured some into it and put the bottle away back into the fridge.
“Where are the others?” I asked as I gulped the drink. I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid [s]went[/s] slipped down my throat[like this]. I opened my eyes to see her shrug. I sipped at the drink, thinking.
[Try and cut down on the amount of times you use I to start a sentence. I've underlined all the I starting sentences here, as it's at this particular point you've used I alot]
“Oh, by the way. Landon says he wants to see you about something. Something to do with the council,” she said as she looked at me. What is it with staring at me? I thought. She looked like I had insulted her. Aren’t I allowed to look at you? Her voice entered my head.
“Yes, but you don’t do it this often,” I said as I looked at her with concern.
“I'm just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.
“Why?” I asked in surprise.
“You know the rules and jazz. I just don’t want you to get involved with the human and have to pay the price for it,” she said.
“I know. Where is Landon? I might as well see what he wants,” I said as I shook my head. What does he want now? [Italics]
“He is in the study,” she said, “I would be careful, he hasn’t had a good day.”
“Thanks for the warning.[replace with comma]” I said as I walked away, taking my drink with me. With a sway of my hips, I went upstairs and walked the entire way back through the hallway. I knocked on the end door.
“Enter,” a deep voice said from the other side. I turned the knob and went in. [Great way to end it! =D]
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