Poison Love - chapter 1

Unlike Andrew, I like how you threw the ipod thing in there. It shows that she is adapting to the modern times and shes trying to blend.
Why does she go back to that house if she's bringing back so many horribly memories? Make a note about her purpose for going back.
When at the gate, (with the rust pricking her finger) make a note that it doesnt hurt her...because vampires aren't bothered by such things.

Down girl I thought as exotic pictures form in my head

. I would use erotic instead of exotic...but thats just me.



Adam I think he is a little too clingy to Elizabeth. He trys way to hard to get her on the back of his bike. Make a note that maybe that has something to do with vampire's crazy beauty thing. Other than that, I like him. He seems like a nice guy....and totally falling for her fast.

Elizabeth I think she caved to easily. Maybe she should have made him follow her for a bit before caving in. Playing hard to get...but not really playing. She seems like a really tough bad-ass. and those are my favorite types.

On I go to read more

Readers, new and old,

I have edit and i sincerely hope that you like it better this way.

happy reading.

Hola, Bri!

Your writing just keeps getting better and better This was really good.

I heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.

Okay, the bold parts should be capital “I” and “because of what happened”

She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

I think that “approached” sounds better here but it’s up to you if you want to change it or not

I make my way to the back of the house.

Should be “made”

Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely.

Should be “showed”

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

Two things here. One, there should be a comma after “girl” and the bolded word should be “formed”

Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.

Should be “backed”

“Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

You missed the comma after “hottest”. I should look like this: “…good ones are the hottest,” he muttered…”

what the crap? I have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

All the bolded words need to be capitalized.

And that’s really it. All of it was mostly spelling stuff so no worries.

Just keep up the good work, Bri!

I still really like it, but perhaps you could work over it a bit more.

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i (caps)heard that (the?) Realtors are having a hard time selling it because (of)what (had) happen (-ed) fifty- five years ago (what happned?*).I sighed and turned up (the volume?) my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

I also feel that all that repetition (I's) can really stress you after a while.
But that kind of thing can happen when you're typing (kick typing), it's really good, so no matter how annoying you find typing, keep it up!!!
* I know, you explain it later, but perhaps a little hint to keep the reader at it (:horrible happenings of that fateful day 55 years ago...)
I love it!!
-sheepy

Sheepy.shoo:

I know. that's why i planned to go back and edited all of the chapter.

thanks for your review.

stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. iI has a capital. heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.


It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’sYou suddenly change to present tense, you need to choose either past or present, otherwise it doesn't make sense. a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.


So, people have been visiting, I thoughtcomma as I turned down the ipodHm, it might just be me but I think the ipod ruins the whole feel of the story.. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heardNever ever, ever put hearing heard, that's terrible. I'm sorry, but seriously, never have it. Changing voices in the house.This sentence doesn't make much sense. Help ? I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.


Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past. Ok; this paragraph was great, up until the point:

I smiled to myself, because I'd often when I was growing up in this place.

That doesn't make sense. Unless you mean you often smiled to yourself in that place, in which case this sentence still needs revising. On the plus side this paragraph was great It's starting to develop more


A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.


No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judgingjudging by, not by judging. the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, You need the word with here, or eyed instead of eyes.dark brown eyes and were of average heightFull stop/period instead of comma. They were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired;With light eyes or light eyed. light eyes, and also wore nice clothes.This isn't really neccessary, perhaps you could have included this with the other two's nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Rewrite: All of them were lean, with muscle and white shirts showing off their chests. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.


Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head. Again; you're jumping from tenses, be very wary of this. Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

The bolded words show where you go wrong with your tenses. Thought, is in past tense, but form is present. You either need:
Down girl, I think, as erotic pictures form in my head
or
Down girl, I thought, as erotic pictures formed in my head. See; the bolded words are showing the correct tenses. As both think and form are of the same tense, and thought and formed.[/b]

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thoughtEither have think here or thought. as I back awayYour choice from the last underlined note is important here too. If you choose to say Shit, I think, then you'll have to use as I back away. If you choose thought, then you must use backed away. into the darkness.


“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.


“You okay, dude?” the other asked.


“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”


“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.


“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.


“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.


“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”


“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”


“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.


“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.


“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.


“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.



“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.


“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.


“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i havehad known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.Aaargh! You're doing it again, be very careful of these tenses.


“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.


“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.


“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.


"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.


"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.


"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.


"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.


"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.


"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.


"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.


"Ready," I groaned. We took off.



Okay; the tenses need work on. Serious work. But besides that this was good. You do need to revise parts, some bits make no sense at all but that's the beauty of writing, it's about having fun, not being great. I didn't really understand this story much but I liked it. Were the boys intruders? If so I think you have a bit too much description, and it doesn't make sense that she'd just run away with them and love them even though she'd only known them for five minutes. If she was scared how would she notice so much? You also need to work on character development. Give your characters quirks, make them real. Make us fall in love with them. It's a nice start though, keep going through with this story. But you must remember, must, must remember. I'm not being critical of you, I'm just trying to help. You know what, ignore this. Ignore me and all the other critiquers. We don't matter, what does is that you're enjoying this and that you find it fun. From that aspect, you're doing great. xD


-Kirsten xxx

Overall, I really like the ideas. One thing, though. It seems like she would want to make them leave. I mean it's her old house, wouldn't she be uncomfortable with three guys with beer hanging out in the back yard? Maybe not, but that's just what I would have assumed.

Nitpicks:

i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket.

The first "i" should be capitalized, happen should be happened, and there should be a space after the first period. Also there shouldn't be a space after "fifty-" and I'm not sure, but I think the "p" in iPod should be capitalized, too.

This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle.

Thoughts should be italisized.

The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child.

Good description. I liked that line.

I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

Threshold used twice so close together sounds a little redundant, and the bolded sentence sounds a little awkward.

A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand.

I would get rid of the "under my hand" at the end of that. Also, I would have liked to see some sort of emotional reaction after the flashback. Is she upset? What's that make her feel like?

I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place.

This sentence doesn't make sense to me. I would reword it.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron.

I like this line. (:

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

Lol! There needs a comma after girl, though. And I think form should be formed. Tenses can be tricky.

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said.

I don't know if him coming right out and saying she looks hot is very realistic. I mean, I'm not familiar with how somewhat drunk guys act, but maybe have him whisper it to the other guys, rather than just blurting it out? Maybe that's just my naive opinion.

The golden-haired did the same thing.

That sentence sounds awkward to me. Maybe use his name because they already called him Adam.

I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

This sounds a little choppy. I would try to make that into one sentence, or at least make it flow better.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,”

I would take out the "to you" part. I think it sounds better without it.

He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.

Someone is one word, and you need a comma after pretty. Also, maybe make him be more obvious at thinking she's pretty other than just being cheery and coming out and saying it. Maybe talk about how he looked at her. I mean, he could just be enjoying his buzz from the beer. Also, it doesn't feel realistic. I mean what girl thinks like that? Something closer to "I am looking good tonight, aren't I?" Or something. But that wording doesn't sound right to me.

“Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

This line feels more realistic.

what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

You need way more capitals in this, plus a comma after rub. And I like that thought process.

Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.

"Said" shouldn't be capitalized, space after the period and comma after idea.

“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile

Don't say thanks twice. It doesn't make sense.

"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.

Capital "I".

ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on.

Comma and space after "Shit".

I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

Moaning about a back is a little bit overexaggerated, I think. I mean talk about how good it feels, but that's kind of overdoing it.

Plot: Very interesting. I'm excited to see where it's going to go. I would have liked to see her feel more inclined towards eating them, though. (I mean if she's a vampire. I'm assuming, but she is, right?)

Characters: I think they could use some more development. They feel sort of shallow and I don't feel like I know them very well yet. That might come more later, but especially Elizabeth, since we're inside her head, should be a little clearer.

Elizabeth: I feel like she doesn't really know what she wants. I'd prefer if she was a little more strong willed and decisive. I don't really have a good feeling for her character yet, besides the fact that she likes Adam, and has a bad past.

Adam: Typical nice guy. Don't get me wrong, that's fine as long as we see some more personalization and less cliche.

Overall: Very good. I'm excited to read more! (I still have homework tonight, though, so I'll have to do more critiques later.)

Hope I've been helpfull!

p.s. I think this is probably the longest review I've given. (:

KaliaMarie:

thank for reading and your comments. Good luck with your Homework.

Salve! Well, you asked a review here I am! Before I start cutting and adding I`ll start with the usual stuff which are that this is a nice story, full descriptions and the sentences flow quite nicely.

I`ll take what I think it's not right, give you examples that you can use and so.

1.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.

Here you can say something of her reaction, the position she is in, the feeling even a little memory of an old friend or something.
Example: Down girl I though as erotic pictures formed in my head. I left my body fell on the ground, hoping that the bush will cover me. The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back. I crawled closer to the undergrowth of the garden.
My chest was killing me as my heart pounded quickly in a sense of fear and childish excitement. I pulled myself off the ground and sticked out my head to look at the guys. I gazed insistently at them. Hmm... eighteen, nineteen maybe? In an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

2.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.

Ok. A little more of the acting of the character would be nice.
Example: "Want to join us?" he said with a grin. I looked at him, raised a corner of my mouth in a weird smile and turned my eyes to the beer.
"Cheers, but I`ll pass. I need to get going." I turned looking at the gate.

Nothing more to say. Overall it`s a great chapter. You could interrupt the dialogue with some visual, sound images like: Zach opened the beer loudly. I followed the lid spinning in the air and falling on the ground joining the others. or Zach and Derek started laughing in the back. " Ehm... again sorry for them. Complete idiots." said Adam with a bored look on his face.

Hope it helped. Luck!

-Akayl

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor.

Get rid of old. Abandoned things are generally old. How can iron be rotten? Rusted, yes, but iron doesn't rot.

I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

You have four sentences in a row starting with 'I'. This makes it read like a list, consider rewording. For instance-
I wanted to see how my home had changed over the years. Realtors were rumoured to be having a hard time selling it, even though fifty five years had passed since 'the incident'. I turned up my ipod with a sigh, and pushed the gate open.

You may have noticed I have also taken out some words in the first line. I am a believer in the economy of words- getting your idea across in the simplest way possible. It still makes sense, and is to the point, and reads nicer, wouldn't you agree?
I have also reworded the second half of the next sentence. It's just how I would have phrased it- I'm not sure how to explain why I prefer it that way, it just seems clearer, to me. All minds work different, eh?
To push a gate open you usually need to put your hand on it, so I omitted that detail. Be wary of over-explaining the little, meaningless details. It is almost insulting to the reader- they aren't idiots, they can fill in the small, obvious details themselves.

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open.

Is this necessary information? It's awkward and I just had to think "Why is this detail here?" and couldn't find a reason.

I walked though it, into the front yard.

Just say, 'I walked into the front yard.' It's obvious, since she opened the gate, she would walk through it.

My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child.

Grass doesn't really feel leathery, in my experience....

Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked.

Why are you telling us this?

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

You describe it as a threshold twice. With a word like 'threshold', it sticks out if used too often, as it's not something you use every day. 'Stepped through the door' would be better.

. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream.

You have it in italics, so get rid of the bolding. I don't like bolding in books, as when I look at the page, the sentence jumps at me as soon as I glance at it, before I even read the other lines before hand.
Also, this is awkwardly worded.
A little girl running around, happy and carefree. Then the walls smeared with blood. A scream.
The fullstops give it more impact, in my opinion. What do you think?

I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place

Huh?

When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

touched.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

You already have blood on the wall, so get rid of the 'blood dripping' bit. It's obvious the knife would be bloody.

My violet eyes raked over each of them.

Egh. Find another way to describe her eyes. If you were describing what you had done, you wouldn't say "My brown eyes glared at the empty plate", would you? This just sounds awkward.

My eyes raked over their form.

You have already used 'raked'. You may not use this action for another four turns.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

Woah. Just cause I see a nice bit of eye candy doesn't mean I think of erotic things that instant 0.0

Adam said as he pulled back his hand.

Get rid of this. You don't have to explain every action.

I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind.

You have 'come/ing up behind' twice in a short amount of space.

He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

0.0 Okay, for a start, capitalize your 'i's. I mean, really, I learned this in the first year of school. There's no excuses, you should proof read your work before you post!
And second. I agree. What the crap. ><; Though if you're going to swear I reckon the f word would fit better there, there's no point in half measures if it's not going to sound right.

I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends.

'walked' should be 'walk'.

Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.

If he walked to his friends, how come he was out the front with his bike? Why didn't she see it on the way in?

"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.

Get rid of the 'or something'. You know you looked at him like he was stupid, you don't need to guess.

I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

.....0.0

Okay, first off, why was she there, really? I mean, all well and good to go back and reflect, but it seems to me she is a long way from home for some nostalgia. I think there needs to be stronger reasoning- otherwise it feels like you have included it only to introduce Adam. That's not a good thing.

Second, you need to stop repeating the same phrases and words so often, so close. Use a thesaurus, I do, even the best writers out there probably do.

Third, the attraction for him is way too intense, too fast, and too shallow. Think about it. You see a hot guy, and unless you are really sexually frustrated, you don't actually imagine him in your bed instantly. Your heart may quicken, your skin may flush, and you may think appreciative thoughts, but to think erotic thoughts straight away?
And I doubt cuddling up to someone's back is going to make you want to moan, as much as the guy would like to think he's just that good. ^^

Forth, some showing would be nice. Show she's scared by describing her heart beating faster, her blood draining from her face, her limbs trembling, and the like. Show she's annoyed by narrowing her eyes, giving her voice a colder tone, stiffening her body language. Show us the garden is wild by describing the grass up to her thigh, the weeds strewn through the soil, the trees unpruned and wild.

Fifth, please, please, please proof read. A lot of simple mistakes would have been picked out.

I don't have much to say on the plot, other then this just feels like it's there to introduce Adam. Why were they there?

This said, you are developing the story, introducing new ideas, so that's good. A few tweaks- really, it won't take a hell of a lot- and this will be solid.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help.

-Nutty

Night Mistress wrote:Chapter One

[s]I stood [/s]outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor [Now expand this description of both the iron gate and the house and have this as your starting line. Make sure your descriptions are suggestive, so as to draw the reader in]. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house[this is a brilliant follow on line from the amazing description you're going to have - so keep this!! (: ]. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. I heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago [how does she know this?].I sighed and turned up my iPod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

[You are using 'I' a lot to start your sentences. Try starting them well an adverb or adjective instead. For example, take: I sighed and turned up my iPod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.. Now, lets swap the words around to: Turning up my iPod fall blast, I sighed and removed my hands from where they nestled in my jacket pocket. Curling them around the cold, rusted metal gate I pushed it open swiftly and easily; I was surprised with the ease at which they opened. - See how easy it is to exclude both 'I' starting sentences? So, it's pretty easy - all you need to do is swap the words around, and voila! You've started a sentence alternatively!! From now on, I'll underline the sentences that begin with 'I' that I think you can change...]

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing[this doesn't sound quite right - try and find an alternative word, maybe even a metaphor?][/b] open. I walked though it, into the front yard; my finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, [s]I thought[/s] as I looked around, it’s nothing more than a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the iPod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold[the threshold of what? Elaborate and show, please (: ][/b].

Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often [b]done this whilst I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approached her with a blood-dripping knife.

[I don't see the reason for having some of your sentences in bold. I would keep to italics for the memories and normal as the present time. I have got rid of the bold parts, so you can see whether you agree or not]

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron [awesome use of simile - great job! (: ]. I heard voices and [s]by[/s] judging by the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I could see [s]saw[/s], it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress[b]ed very nicely. The other one was golden haired;[delete semi-colon here] light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscles and their white shirts showed their chests off nicely. Their khaki[s]s[/s] pants showed their long legs.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures started to form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I backed away into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask [as she can't see them as they talk, it doesn't mean that the description should stop here. Move over to the hearing tense and show us what she can hear through this conversation - beer cans being thrown on the floor, crisp-packets crackling, the boys moving, even their tone of voice - are they dark, raspy...?].

“You okay, dude?” the other asked.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said [describe tone of voice - thoughtful, confused...?]. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”[Put in '' instead as you're already using " " for speech]

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”

“Hi.” Then he pointed to the [s]an[/s]other one. “ And that’s Derek.”

“Hi[comma]” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty[comma] I thought dryly.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.


“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” [I wouldn't have this in italics as it's a direct speech and not a thought]and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. What the crap? I have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And I already picture myself giving him a back rub[comma] I thought [sardonically? Desparingly...?].

“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam said.Bad idea I thought.

“No thank you, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam [instead of stating that the driver is Adam, try and show us instead?].

"Come on, please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something [try describing the expression instead?].

"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.

"I said I will be fine on my own," I snapped, looking at him.

"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. [s]I[/s] Hesitantly[comma] I told him.

"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady [I'm guessing your MC looks like a teenager? If so, replace this with girl instead] walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. Shit[comma] I thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.

"Ready," I groaned; we took off.

Last Minute Views
Pronoun
As I already mentioned, you tend to overuse the pronoun 'I' to start a sentence, but you also use it a lot whilst writing. So, try to cut down on the use of 'I', especially when starting a sentence.

Choppy sentences
Occasionally you would add in a short sentence for effect (which is great!), but sometimes the effect ended up by it sounding choppy, especially when they started with 'I'. So, you can both cut down the use of 'I' (as I've already mentioned), and start to read your work aloud. You'll be surprised, but reading it aloud does give it a whole new perspective, and will help you to clear up choppy sentences, stuff that doesn't make etc. I'm always reading my work aloud - most of the time my mum thinks I'm talking to myself, so she gets a little worried, but it's incredibly helpful to me, and I hope for you too!!

Showing not telling
I've pointed out where you tend to tell instead of show. I'm a major criminal in this offense, so don't worry, just when you read through it try to read from a different perspective to see whether you've done enough showing instead of telling!

Your MC
I love the way she's developed in this chapter, and how you keep on referring back to her thought - keep it up!!

Overall
This was a great starting chapter, and if you just brush up on the minor things I've mentioned above, it should help to make this even better. I apologise beforehand if I've been to harsh and also if I've repeated what has already been said (I'm too lazy to read the other reviews =P).
I really hope this helped you out,
--Lucyy xx

Nitpicks have been picked up on, so i'll do what I do for people who have pages of reviews already...

Beginning
It's quite good. I would read on, and it draws the reader in for the 'fifty five years ago' thing. That is a great way to structure an opening paragraph!

I walked though it, into the front yard.

no comma

Ending
Yeah i would read on!

Setting[b]
Be specific. How does it feel? It's been empty for a few decades, right? And even with the odd couple inside it should be cold and dank. Smelly? Rotting in places? It's fifty five years old at the very least, and would've been years old when she lived in there. It's kind of ancient. So get a rough time period and put it in there in the small details!

[b]Characters
they developed nicely. But she's a vamp, yes? Well then, not meaning to do this to you, but is she going to be like Edward Cullen in the terms of wanting human blood or not? Make this obvious... sorry about that hehe

Spelling/nitpicks
- ipod should be Ipod, right? Otherwise no major biggies, they're been picked up on.
- New lines for the bolded bits on her flashbacks.
- Don't use said so much! It's VOID OF EMOTION! And after 10 it's kind of annoying... and in 2 places you use an alternative but go right back to said. What do the words sound like? Harsh or soft, angry or lusty? Grouchy, croaky, smooth, rough, what?

WATCH YOUR TENSE this was the biggggg problem with this. You go from present to past in the matter of four words. Be consistent. Read it back to yourself and you will definitely find your problem, and will be able to fix it.

Hope that helped. It was another interesting development, and now I need to keep reading.

Night Mistress wrote:


()
Chapter One

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though (through) it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch (touched) a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.

Down girl(,) I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back(backed) away into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.

“You okay, dude?” the other asked.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”

“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”

“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.


“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought. (lowercase "S" in said)

“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.

"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.

"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.

"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him. (capital I)

"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.

"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.

"Ready," I groaned. We took off.

Okay, I've read this story a few times before and meant to review it. I think it's good-- it's a good start, and I hope you finish it.

To be honest, it's not really my type of story-- it's romantic fiction and vampiric fiction. I can't stand either of them, so I can't really give much criticism on this, since I'm not good at writing either.

Elizabeth's personality shows well here, however. I think you've developed her well. Just watch your capitals and lowercases, and then you'd be great!


I think everyone else has touched on the most important aspects here, I'm sorry it took me so long .

Great job, I give it 8/10


Keep writing!

xxJUNE

Hey Mistress!

First off:
This was much more satisfying than the prologue! I'm really interested into what the story has to offer now. However, I am sad to say that there were far too many grammar issues in this piece. Before you post a story on here, the easiest thing to check for is proper punctuation. It was almost painful to read this and constantly see 'i' in lowercase form.
Also, I'm sure you'd be able to read through this and spot quite a few sentences that could be reworded to make more sense. I won't point them out, seeing how many before myself already have.
Real quick, let's take a look at your protagonist, Elizabeth. I have to be honest when I say I'm not quite sure if I like her just yet. She seems to have a rather outgoing, yet sensible disposition, but it seems to me that she's also a bit conceited? Perhaps it could just be her assessing the situation when the boys comment about her appearance, but it seemed to me like she was being a little stuck-up.
I do like that she was hesitant to get on the bike. That shows that she has at least a bit of sense and everyone appreciates that quality, I think.

Overall, I liked the idea. I can't wait for more. However, I highly suggest you take the advice of reviewers. You don't have to change the whole concept of your story, but for simple mistakes like punctuation and spelling, editing is just fine.


*anti-pop

anit-pop:

i have edited the first chapter already.

I haven also change the title of my story too. as i edited the chapter, i am change the name too. the new stuff is called Addicting Poison. i hope you check that out and be more pleased.