need help with a title

j

Not quite sure what to think of it. It's not what I expected. It's really well written, and I'll have to think about this story for a while....well done, mate, well done.

Not very many negative comments, either.

John floated somewhere between childhood and adulthood as he boarded Bus 34 for the first time for a month.

For is a little repititive here. Try replacing the second for with an in.

I miss you, he thought. I miss you, I miss you. Missyoumissyoumissyoumissyou. Mom, Dad, Mom. DadMomDadMomDadMom. Don’t breathe! They’ll come! Wait! I’m coming...MomDad, miss Mom, you Dad. Love you. Wait!

I don't really like how you crammed the words all together. It doesn't seem like John's real rushed or anything. Use a different method of showing his desparation and despair.

Oh gosh....now I'm crying....haha. Yeah. It's definately a story you have to read twice. Well done, mate, this is good. *sniff*

PM me if you have any questions!

~Vee

p.s. Whatever you call this story, don't call it "Alien Boy." It'll mislead your readers, make them think it's science fiction or something.

Hey, GML!

This was a really cool piece--it was neat how you blended John with his classmates' perceptions of him. John himself is a really sad character, but someone a lot of people could relate to. I also loved how you characterized the kids. A lot of people make kids sound stupid or just plain annoying, but here you catered to what a lot of people would remember from their own childhoods.

DEJA VU

Something that felt a little odd to me in this piece was the fact that we aren't really given a timeline. We know that John's parents have died before the story begins, but we're not quite certain how soon before. The classmates comment on him being "his old self"--when was he not his old self? What events spurred his transformation.

I was kind of wondering about John's situation, mainly because he has no parents, but you haven't designated a caretaker. He's at school (which I assume to be public), but we aren't sure how he got there or, if he is indeed alone, why they haven't taken him to social services or a different living relative. Clearing up these things as well as providing a timeline within the narrative will help the story flow smoothly.

BURNING FAT

There were a few sentences in this piece that felt "stuffed"--you had a lot of prepositional phrases in one sentence, or it was just plain wordy.

Clouds belonging to a middle-aged person lying in the pit of depression clung to the edges of his pupils.

When you're revising, you want to say the most in the least amount of space. That's something you can strive for, no matter what your style. Cut away as many adverbs and prepositional phrases as you can. "Clouds seen in depressed adults clung to the edges of his pupils" streamlines things and gets rid a few of the "in the" and "to the"s that make sentences drag on a bit longer and more clumsily, since you can't really put commas for pauses in there.

__

Thanks for the read, GML! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

I loved this, it was wonderfully descriptive, the way you described John was just marvellous.

But I agree with Sam on all the things she pointed out. There are a few confusing bits that leave you with unanswered questions.

The ending was a bit confusing too-I had to read it over twice-and it isn't immediately apparent what's going on. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though, I've read plenty of good novels where you get to the end and go 'wait...' and have to read back over it. So long as it does make you want to make sense of it, it can work.

Other than that, well done!