Secrets In Peril

SECRETS IN PERIL

As the cat was yawing, Douglas pulled his muscular frame up from the couch and walked over to the cat to give it a tidbit of attention. Patrick walking in the room saw that a person was outside the door. Patrick answered the door and it was a sales representative selling “rare coins” he gave a lengthy lecture/sales pitch about the value and rarity of his coins. He asked me to get my mother. I then cried “mom!”
Jennifer walked in obviously just out of the shower and in new clothes and signed what?? I signed back that the man wanted to sell coins she told him to leave and never come back but very politely. He apologized for the disturbance and quietly left and got in a rickety old 1982 Honda model hatchback with a strange symbol in the back of the car.
Jennifer told me that I should not answer the door without Doug, mom, or jaz with me. I replied “OK”. Douglas, watching the whole exchange recognized the man from the newspaper; he was jimmy the jack, a man who killed 5 children, 2 grown men, and 13 women. Police were searching for the man. His eyes widened at realization of how close they came from being murdered. I asked him what was wrong. He proceeded to tell me the whole story. After he finished the story an hour later, we both decided that it was best to keep quiet.
We did not realize how much they would come to regret that decision.

I woke up the alarm shaking its wake-up call. Walking in the shower, I remembered a few things from the day before. I met jimmy the jack, a murderer, he must be staking us out. Proceeding to pull on my clothes, pondering the moral problem of whether to tell that we saw jimmy the jack or to keep quiet. Walking downstairs and grabbing cereal mom walked in the room and asked me what was wrong. Nothing I replied. She did not say anything else but had worry on her face for the rest of the morning.

Mod edit: Removed all-caps from title.

- Douglas doesn't seem to be hauling himself from the couch with his arms or legs, just standing. "Pulled" just doesn't seem to be the right verb.

- "Tidbit" isn't exactly the kind of word that goes along with a muscular young man.

Patrick walking in the room saw that a person was outside the door.

Not very good language usage. Try "Patrick, walking in the room, saw that a person was outside the door." Also: how can he see a person outside the door? Is it a glass door? Does the door have a window? Is there a window close by?

Patrick answered the door and it was a sales representative selling “rare coins” he gave a lengthy lecture/sales pitch about the value and rarity of his coins.

Run-on sentence, my dear. Perhaps "Patrick answered the door: it was a sales representative selling "rare coins." He gave a lengthy lecture-sales pitch about the value of his coins."

Definitely break it up into at least two different sentences for an easier read.

He asked me to get my mother. I then cried “mom!”

First, I'll say that you need to capitalize the first word in the sentence that your narrator is saying. "Mom!"

Second: oh, my, you have a narrator! Make that clearer earlier in the story.

Jennifer walked in obviously just out of the shower and in new clothes and signed what??

Lose the second question mark. You only need one.

Also: learn how to use commas. "Jennifer walked in, obviously just out of the shower and in new clothes, and signed, 'What?'"

This story needs a lot of work. It's hard to critique it if there are so many grammar and punctuation errors. Why don't you edit for grammar and punctuation, then repost? It's also polite to post two reviews for every submission, and I can see that you've only done one review.

OK. Lotta grammar mistakes but you can fix that with no problem.

You have a narrator. But it's confusing because you switch between both first and third person here:

Patrick walking in the room saw that a person was outside the door. Patrick answered the door and it was a sales representative selling “rare coins” he gave a lengthy lecture/sales pitch about the value and rarity of his coins.

and here:

He asked me to get my mother. I then cried “mom!”
Jennifer walked in obviously just out of the shower and in new clothes and signed what?? I signed back that the man wanted to sell coins she told him to leave and never come back but very politely. He apologized for the disturbance and quietly left and got in a rickety old 1982 Honda model hatchback with a strange symbol in the back of the car.
Jennifer told me (and everything after this).

So try to change that.

Alex

tanker225 wrote:SECRETS IN PERIL

As the cat was yawning, Douglas [s]pulled[/s] Pulled isn't very good description. How about hauled? his muscular frame up from the couch and walked over to the cat to give [s]it a tidbit of [/s] The one you do now is confusing. This is better: a bit of attention.

Patrick, walking in the room, saw that a person was outside the door. Patrick answered the door and it was a sales representative selling “rare coins.” He gave a lengthy lecture/sales pitch about the value and rarity of his coins. He asked me to get my mother. I [s]then[/s] cried “Mom!”

Jennifer walked in [s]obviously just out of the shower and in new clothes[/s] A lot of telling. Try this: with wet, ungroomed hair and a change of clothes and signed "What?" I signed back that the man wanted to sell coins. She told him to leave and never come back [s]but very[/s] politely. He apologized for the disturbance and [s]quietly left and[/s] got in a rickety old 1982 Honda model hatchback with a strange symbol in the back of the car.

Jennifer told me that I should not answer the door without Doug, Mom, or Jaz with me.

I replied “OK.”

Douglas, watching the whole exchange recognized the man from the newspaper: he was Jimmy the jack, a man who killed 5 children, 2 [s]grown [/s]men, and 13 women. Police were searching for the man. His eyes widened at realization of how close they came from being murdered. I asked him what was wrong. He proceeded to tell me the whole story. After he finished the story an hour later, we both decided that it was best to keep quiet.

We did not realize how much they would come to regret that decision.

I woke up the alarm shaking its wake-up call. Walking in the shower, I remembered a few things from the day before. I met jimmy the jack, a murderer, he must be staking us out. Proceeding to pull on my clothes, pondering the moral problem of whether to tell that we saw jimmy the jack or to keep quiet. Walking downstairs and grabbing cereal mom walked in the room and asked me what was wrong. Nothing I replied. She did not say anything else but had worry on her face for the rest of the morning.

Mod edit: Removed all-caps from title.

This was a good story.

But you need to learn the rule of "show, don't tell." You are just telling the reader how a family had a brush with a stalker. This can either go in a psychological direction, a thriller or a slasher direction. Good job. You have lots of options!

The point-of-view is also a problem. STAY WITH ONE P-O-V! It issues less confusion and it makes it more professional. You could do different viewpoints in chapters, but try to keep it to a minimum.

If you're thinking about publishing this or giving this to a magazine, I'd advise you familiarize yourself with the rules of storywriting. There are thousands of books out there about writing for you to buy. Or talk with your friends. See if they will loan you one of theirs.

Also, the spelling and grammar is getting to be a problem. My advice? Have a family member or a grammar-obessed friend look it over and correct the mistakes. THEN post it.

Grade: C-

DeafWriter