Goodbye, Paradise

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I remember when we knew Paradise,
the fantasies that thrived
in swingsets and sandboxes
and the creek that rushed
through the backyard.

Once trickles could be waterfalls
in our youthful eyes, so innocent.
We sang and danced to cheesy
pop songs because we believed
they were timeless,
just like us.

I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
the wooden bars that once supported
our friendship thrown
into a wood chipper.

The ice cream trucks drove away
and moving trucks took
their place, sweeping away
our friends so now
we are the last two left.

I remember sitting in the remnants
of Paradise, your backyard,
now covered with a white tent
and folding chairs. I said “Hello”
to you, my former BFF,
then watched you walk away
to chat with others.

In the photo album of your life
I saw our smiles with lost teeth,
your arm around me
forever, in a world
that’s long since disappeared.

The wind blew by my face,
the final whisper
of a dying friendship.
Last edited by niteowl on Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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I love this.

Wow, that was simple! :lol:

I think one of the reasons I can't pick at this is because I really relate to it and I don't want to, frankly! You've taken universal feelings and expressed them beautifully.

I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
The wooden bars that once supported


Since you're capitalising the start of each new line, I just thought I'd point out this typo.

I loved 'Paradise', the sandboxes, 'Once trickles could be waterfalls', the pop songs, 'timeless,/Just like us', the ice cream trucks that become moving trucks and 'the photo album of your life'. Basically, everything.

I'm just sorry I can't be useful!

*Gold star*
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical




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Hey, niteowl!

The idea is great; it sure touches everyone (well, almost everyone) and I'm no exception.


We sang and danced to cheesy

pop songs because we believed


In here, the lining is a little strange.


The ice cream trucks drove away

and moving trucks took

their place


Trucks - trucks? Watch it. Unless this is intentional – if it is, you should make it more clear. (Clearer?)


I said “Hello”

to you, my former BFF,


I don't know why, but quotation marks just burn my eyes if they're in a poem. The BFF thing feel also a little wrong. Could it be "I greeted my former best friend" or "I greeted my former soul sister" or something like that?


The last two stanzas are pretty. Nice job!


Demeter xx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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I loved the first two stanzas of this: you create a strong image and follow through nicely. IMHO, though, the third stanza starts to get a little iffy.

I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
the wooden bars that once supported
our friendship thrown
into a wood chipper.


To be specific, it's the last two lines of this stanza which throw me. I find them jarring -- and not in a good way. Perhaps you could polish this a little?

The ice cream trucks drove away
and moving trucks took
their place, sweeping away
our friends so now
we are the last two left.


Is this set in the present or the past? I think you should try to stick to one tense here. Also, is there any way you could give this some more life? You're perpetuating a tone here, which I appreciate, but it makes the poem seem flat somehow.

I remember sitting in the remnants
of Paradise, your backyard,
now covered with a white tent
and folding chairs. I said “Hello”
to you, my former BFF,
then watched you walk away
to chat with others.


Common as it is, I don't think BFF is appropriate in a poem (personal opinion). I don't think you need the quotation marks either, and I think this verse needs a bit of life as well. There just ... doesn't seem to be much emotion in it, somehow.

In the photo album of your life
I saw our smiles with lost teeth,
your arm around me
forever, in a world
that’s long since disappeared.


This repeats but does not link. I think you could use this as a very effective ending if you gave it some more oomph.

The wind blew by my face,
the final whisper
of a dying friendship.


I feel these lines are unnecessary and don't add anything to the poem. My advice would be to add a line or two to (or reconstruct) the previous stanza and end there.

Overall, you've captured the subject very well, but something about the poem felt bland to me. You rely too much on implying emotion in your reader's head and it ultimately creates a feeling of detachment. Perhaps you could work on bringing a bit more feeling into it.

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Wow this was wonderful. You captured so many emotions about change and it had rhythm, and perfect structure. I loved this. Now I know this is not much but this was great, and I see nothing wrong with is. I'd suggest not changing or fixing anything because the beginning through the end is perfect and it flows nicely.
All in all,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel :D :D :D
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.



No great thing is created suddenly. There must be time. Give your best and always be kind.
— Epictetus