The person behind the story (contest)

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the person behind the story contest

Note: I wrote this in about 10 mins, so please realize this is NOT my best work. :D :P other than that, thanks!

A steady clinking reverberated down the long, empty, bone white hallway. On the side of the hallway, were many metal doors with rivets protruding like spikes trying to snag another victim. The steady rythem of the clinking continued for another minute or so untill it stopped suddenly. Inside a room behind one of the doors, nearly halfway down the long, empty hall; a head raised.

The room was also long, thin, and bone white; but lacked the emptyness of the long, empty, bonewhite hallways in which it was connected through the large metal door with rivets poking out. In side the long, thin, bonewhite room; a man dressed in long, clean, bonewhite jumpsuit sat down at a long, almost empty, bonewhite table in a thin, not so empty, bonewhite chair.

The man continued his clinking of his pen he held in his long, not so quite empty, bonewhite hand. His hair was long, and bonewhite, but was full as a eight-year-olds.

The clinking continued for some time untill, all at once, the man slouched down in his thin, not so empty, bonewhite chair; and dropped the long, empty, bonewhite pen. His head, so long, empty and bonewhite; hit the table with a long, empty, and chillingly bonewhite thud.

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The man sat like that for quite a long time, untill he raised his head again.

He blinked away the crust that had been growing profusely in his eyes. He looked around, he didn't know why. Nothing ever chaned whenever he did. But something had changed. He sat up, wondering what it could be. His dark, bloodstained eyes wandered the room. He stood when he saw it. The latch, the latch had been raised. The metal door was open!

He ran to the door, and cast it aside. He stuck his head out into the long, bonewhite hallway. It was empty, he ran down it, not looking back. He saw another metal door at the end of the hallway, it was opening. He reached it and flung it as hard as he could, it swang back and clanged agains't the bonewhite marble of the building. He looked over the rich country side before him.

He was free! He began to run. He ran and ran, running into the forest, past the dark oak trees, and sappy pines. He ran and ran. He kept running untill he burst from the forest.

A bonewhite marble building loomed infront of him, threatening to swallow him back. He turned, trying to escape, but it seemed to suck him in.

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Beep Beep

A buzzer sounded, a door opened. The man looked up, the metal door opened again. A dark figure reached in, and set something down, then backed up and shut the door.

The man recounded what had just happened, he had been searching for so long, a topic. He had finally found it. He haunched over his long, empty, bonewhite paper. He began scribbling with his long, empty, bonewhite pen. No ink bubbled from the pen, no ink bled ono the paper. But he didn't know that.

The dark figure continued walking down the long hallway, he turned a corner.

On his black security uniform, read: St. Rose Asylum
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed




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A steady clinking reverberated down the long, empty, bone white hallway [should be dash between bone and white]. On the side of the hallway, were many metal doors with rivets protruding like spikes trying to snag another victim [comma after rivets would be nice]. The steady rythem [smelled rhythm wrong] of the clinking continued for another minute or so untill it stopped suddenly [one l in until]. Inside a room behind one of the doors, nearly halfway down the long, empty hall; a head raised [no need for semi-colon, can just have regular comma].


The room was also long, thin, and bone white; but lacked the emptyness of the long, empty, bonewhite hallways in which it was connected through the large metal door with rivets poking out [major run-on sentence. also, no need to repeat what the hall was like]. In side the long, thin, bonewhite room; a man dressed in long, clean, bonewhite jumpsuit sat down at a long, almost empty, bonewhite table in a thin, not so empty, bonewhite chair [again, run-on sentence. also, you mention bonewhite too much. find another way to describe how pale or glaringly white objects/places are].


The man continued his clinking of his pen he held in his long, not so quite empty, bonewhite hand [i think clicking would be better, not clinking. also the bonewhite thing again. really takes away from the piece]. His hair was long, and bonewhite, but was full as a eight-year-olds [bonewhite again].

The clinking continued for some time untill [one l in until], all at once, the man slouched down in his thin, not so empty, bonewhite chair; and dropped the long, empty, bonewhite pen. His head, so long, empty and bonewhite; hit the table with a long, empty, and chillingly bonewhite thud. [i'm starting to guess that you're trying to have a theme going with this bonewhite thing? i don't like it, as a reader. too repetitive, and it gets annoying.]


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


The man sat like that for quite a long time, untill [again, one l] he raised his head again. [i thought i was reading about the guard again, so this gets really confusing. should make that more clear that this is a prisoner]

He blinked away the crust that had been growing profusely in his eyes. He looked around, he didn't know why. Nothing ever chaned [changed?] whenever he did. But something had changed. He sat up, wondering what it could be. His dark, bloodstained eyes wandered the room. He stood when he saw it. The latch, the latch had been raised. The metal door was open!


He ran to the door, and cast it aside. He stuck his head out into the long, bonewhite hallway. It was empty, he ran down it, not looking back. He saw another metal door at the end of the hallway, it was opening [should put and after comma]. He reached it and flung it as hard as he could, it swang back and clanged agains't the bonewhite marble of the building. He looked over the rich country side before him.


He was free! He began to run. He ran and ran, running into the forest, past the dark oak trees, and sappy pines. He ran and ran. He kept running untill he burst from the forest.


A bonewhite marble building loomed infront of him, threatening to swallow him back. He turned, trying to escape, but it seemed to suck him in.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Beep Beep [periods and italics would be good]

A buzzer sounded, a door opened. The man looked up, the metal door opened again. A dark figure reached in, and set something down, then backed up and shut the door.


The man recounded [is that a word? really?] what had just happened, [abrupt. need a smoother transition.] he had been searching for so long, a topic. He had finally found it. He haunched over his long, empty, bonewhite paper. He began scribbling with his long, empty, bonewhite pen. No ink bubbled from the pen, no ink bled ono the paper. But he didn't know that.


The dark figure continued walking down the long hallway, he turned a corner.


On his black security uniform, read: St. Rose Asylum

[nice ending]

This is an interesting piece, I will say. Needs work, but again, interesting.




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Thank you, and I hate commas. Again, I wrote it in 10 mins and barely edited it.

And the bone-white thing is sopposed to be repeated.

Note: its not a peice that is sopposed to make sence or have any sort of major plot, or any real contents of a writing peice at all, just a sort of side thing.
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed




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Hmm, I really don't know, KJ It made a lot of sense, really. (Rain check on the grammar, J.C.R, hon. ;)) It was very interesting. Like a Dream becoming Reality? Hahaha. I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?

So, KJ got most of the grammar except:
He reached it and flung it as hard as he could, it swang back and clanged agains't the bonewhite marble of the building.

"agains't" should be "against."

Other than the grammar... very nicely done :D. You really wrote this in ten minutes? You could make it into a freaking plot line, 'Fyance! If you really wanted to. Which you really don't... because you told me... but, any how, really nice job. :D.

Gotta love the J Man :)

Sincerely, Shining Star,

*~*Kiss*~* (;))
I wish the world was still so simple...when stars were just the holes to heaven




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the ending was pretty good... and i dont want to hear anymore of your... oh i wrote it in 10 min dribble drabble drooble... anyway.. even tho reptition of the white hallway thing was meant... it really didnt go well... maybe.. possibly if it was like a poem.. but anyway.. you wrote it in like 10 right>?
purple bunnies hop at midnight




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Okey-dokey. Well, you sure like to write creepy things, don't you? Don't worry; I like it. The world needs edgy stuff like that to make people bite their nails.
I found this piece choppy and slightly difficult to read, mostly because of the "bonewhite" repetition. I found that to be very obnoxious. Sorry about that. It's a very nice poetic technique, but it seriously fragmented this short story. I think if you only used that description once it would make it much better.
However, I really liked the crazed, manic tone you use. It captures the atmosphere of an asylum quite nicely.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"



There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable