Stars

EDITED.

He stood. He stood like a fallen angel with charred, broken wings with nowhere to go. He stood with abject shame, tears cascading down his cheeks. Cars whizzed by into the distance, hardly acknowledging his presence, and he stared into the void within him, his eyes unfocused. He felt utterly neglected, terribly abused. Still he stood.

Then he ran. His footsteps were the rhythm of his heart, his arms swung in tandem, and his body and soul and mind were one. Raindrops mingled with the tears embellishing his pallid complexion and saturated his existence with something inexplicably surreal. He ran and he wanted to scream; he ran and he wanted to fall; he ran and he wanted everything to end. So he ran.

At last, he came to a bridge. He sped up, running harder and harder and harder until his surroundings blurred into oblivion, and the stars against the sky seemed to shoot away from him in a frenzy. The stars were exceptionally bright tonight. He felt as if he were dreaming. He felt as if he were flying. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he were living.

The bridge approached him invitingly. A fleeting scream escaped his lips, barbaric yet elegant, feeble yet powerful. He hurled himself over the edge, his limbs flailed and the sharp wind cut into him, his eyes watered and he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever –

His body hit the water and he was plunged into the depths of the river, ice-cold needles scalding his every orifice. He was drowning and he couldn’t resist. He was dying but he was already dead. As his vision dimmed, he could see the stars rippling through the water’s surface, winking at him, tantalizing him with their brightness and beauty. He stared, transfixed, his mind swirling, his thoughts fading into black.

The stars really were remarkably bright tonight.

Hey mercipoulevenin!
Here's my review key:
red = comments
bold = words that I think could work better
Let's get this party started!

mercipourlevenin wrote:[s]He stood[/s]. He stood like a fallen angel with charred, broken wings, abandoned, [s]and[/s] unwanted, and terrified, with nowhere to go. He stood with abject shame, tears silently cascading down his cheeks. Try not to repeat stood. Find another word Cars whizzed by into the distance, hardly acknowledging his [s]existence[/s]presence. He stared, his eyes unfocused Tell us what he's staring at. He felt utterly neglected, terrifically abused. Still he stood.

Then he ran. His footsteps were the rhythm of his heart, his arms swung in tandem, and his body and soul and mind were one. Raindrops mingled with the tears against his face, embellishing his pallid complexion and saturating his existence with something inexplicably surreal. He ran and he wanted to scream, he ran and he wanted to fall, he ran and he wanted everything to end. So he ran.

At last, he came to a bridge. He sped up, running harder and harder and harder until his surroundings melded into an unrecognizable blur, and the stars against the deep blue sky seemed to shoot away from him in a frenzy. The stars were exceptionally bright tonight. He felt as if he were dreaming. He felt as if he were flying. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he were living.

The bridge approached him ominously and invitingly. A fleeting scream escaped his lips, barbaric yet elegant, feeble yet powerful. He hurled himself over the edge and his limbs flailed piteously in the nothingness. The sharp wind cut into him and his eyes watered instinctively, the air knocked out of his lungs [s]he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe [/s]and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever – I've never been a fan of runon sentences so I suggest at least cutting this sentence into two

His body hit the water and he was plunged into the cold depths of the river, microscopic needles scalding his every orifice. The water is the needles right? Be more specific. He was drowning Show us the feelings he has. The water closes around him, the last air bubbles out of his mouth. Show us more. Slow this part down, don't tell us and he couldn’t resist. He was dying but he was already dead. As his vision dimmed, he could see the stars rippling through the water’s surface, winking at him and tantalizing him with their startling brightness and beauty. He stared, transfixed, his mind swirling, his thoughts fading into black.

The stars really were remarkably bright tonight.

Wow. This was amazing! You really made me feel for him. I would make it a little longer if I were you. Focus more on his surroudnings, his thoughts, his feelings so we can get to know him a little better so when he dies we feel something even stronger tug at our hearts. Show us everything, try to avoid telling us. Instead of saying and then he ran, say something like, his feet began to moving, the soles pounding against the concrete ground or something like that. Also watch out for your run on sentences. Other than that, this was amazing! Well done. I'm giving it a golden star

You messed it up.
The repetition of a certain word adds a poetic element to the story. The run-on sentences are part of the metaphor; it aptly captures his sense of panic and hurriedness. The ambiguity is part of the beauty. Readers don't always need things spelt out for them. Think Hemingway and the iceberg principle.

If you turn it into a grammatically correct (and dull) piece, it no longer captures the moment and expresses something entirely different.

The other comments seem pretty fair though. Thanks!

Okay! So I have a style very much like yours. Run on sentences? Check! Lots of repetition? Check! And I like this style because you can make everything seemed rushed and chaotic and, with every repetition, even though it's saying the same thing, it's saying everything in a slightly different way, which makes it pretty and awesome.

One thing that you might want to look at: the obsequious amount of adjectives in this piece. I mean, I love adjectives. In fact, some of the adjectives you use are the same adjectives that I use in my story ("deep blue" comes to mind offhand) and I love my story! Love it so much that this is cool for me to read. However, you use so many of them that it clutters up the writing. I know you're trying to come up with a metaphor, but... it's not working.

There are too many adjectives holding this up. I mean, adjectives aren't bad, but you can't have them holding stories up because if you take away the adjectives, the story has no meaning. Observe:

He stood. He stood like an angel with wings, with nowhere to go. He stood with shame, tears cascading down his cheeks. Cars whizzed by into the distance, hardly acknowledging his existence, and he stared, his eyes unfocused. He felt neglected, abused. Still he stood.

Then he ran. His footsteps were the rhythm of his heart, his arms swung in tandem, and his body and soul and mind were one. Raindrops mingled with the tears against his face, embellishing his complexion and saturating his existence with something surreal. He ran and he wanted to scream, he ran and he wanted to fall, he ran and he wanted everything to end. So he ran.

At last, he came to a bridge. He sped up, running harder and harder and harder until his surroundings melded into an blur, and the stars against the sky seemed to shoot away from him in a frenzy. The stars were bright tonight. He felt as if he were dreaming. He felt as if he were flying. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he were living.

The bridge approached him. A scream escaped his lips. He hurled himself over the edge and his limbs flailed and the sharp wind cut into him and his eyes watered and he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever –

His body hit the water and he was plunged into the cold depths of the river, needles scalding his every orifice. He was drowning and he couldn’t resist. He was dying but he was already dead. As his vision dimmed, he could see the stars rippling through the water’s surface, winking at him and tantalizing him with their brightness and beauty. He stared, transfixed, his mind swirling, his thoughts fading into black.

The stars were bright tonight.

Now, mind you, if you've read all above, you're probably screaming, "You're missing the point! My adjectives are there for a reason! It doesn't make sense without them!" And that's probably true. I tried to make it make as much sense as possible, but I probably failed. Still, you can tell that you're relying on an obsequious amount of adjectives. And besides, some parts are better without the adjectives. Compare this:

The bridge approached him ominously and invitingly. A fleeting scream escaped his lips, barbaric yet elegant, feeble yet powerful. He hurled himself over the edge and his limbs flailed piteously and the sharp wind cut into him and his eyes watered instinctively and he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever –

with this:

The bridge approached him. A scream escaped his lips. He hurled himself over the edge and his limbs flailed and the sharp wind cut into him and his eyes watered and he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever –

The second one, I think, is the better writing. This is an action scene, and the second one is more cut-to-the-chase. And, because it is so stark, it has a lonelier feeling to it, yet it also seems to have a driving purpose overall, a murky cloud despair and yet a clear reasoning behind it. So instead of cluttering up the action scene with what all the contradictions there are, you show the contradictions through your writing. This is smart writing.

Look through your story. You're a very nice author. I love your style, but not the adjectives.

Hmm...I'm confused.
So you mean adverbs AND adjectives?

I do use a lot of adverbs and adjectives in my writing, because I adore them. It IS quite a problem. I've recently discovered, however, that a lot of powerful verbs really help in eliminating such unnecessary words...

Any suggestions for said powerful verbs?

Also...while I actually disagree with your stripping of ALMOST ALL adjectives and adverbs from my writing, I do see where you're coming from. I'll look over this somehow and maybe fix it up.

Thanks!

Woah! This is powerful! That's my first impression anyway, and I'm pretty sure that's what you were aiming for, so...Woah! Well done.

The stucture of the paragraphs has really helped in this impression, and it's great to see people experimenting with that sort of thing, as it really pays off when it's done well.
The other thing that's really good is the fact that you've written it in stages (another aspect of the paragraph structure) and that heightens the tension really well, as does the repetition of key words.
There are a couple of things that I want to point out that could be improved on though. Just the little things, as you've got the overall feeling downpat.

He felt utterly neglected, terrifically abused.

I'm not sure if this appropriate, terrific is associated with good, and happy, if you want a T word, try terribly, but I do like this sentance, just not the adjective.

Raindrops mingled with the tears against his face, embellishing his pallid complexion and saturating his existence with something inexplicably surreal.

I love this sentance! I know that's not a bad thing, but I had to point it out.

He ran and he wanted to scream, he ran and he wanted to fall, he ran and he wanted everything to end.

I'm not sure about this sentance. I like the repitition, but I'm not sure if it should all be one sentance, or if you should semi-colons or what.

He felt as if he were dreaming. He felt as if he were flying. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he were living.

i feel as though, if you're going to use the sort of repetition that you used earlier, then you need to also use a reference to that at the tart of the paragraph liek you did earlier.

He hurled himself over the edge and his limbs flailed piteously and the sharp wind cut into him and his eyes watered instinctively and he couldn’t, couldn’t breathe and though all his thoughts left him, his feelings became clearer than ever –

this sentance doesn't work. the repetition of and is not good, and that middle part is very annoying. You need to split it up, use commers, or something. Repetition of descriptions/actions are fine, but not and, or or but they just make the sentance boring and annoying.

Otherwise this is great!!! The stars thing is wonderful, and well done. There's not much more I can say, this is just wonderful to read.

NB: I tried ot submit this before you edited it, so there may be a couple of things that aren't applicable. but don't not take notice of the other things.