*marked for deletion*

Chapter 4...hope its better than the last...


*****



‘Okay! Here I come!’

Alicia raced down the stairs, slipping through the sitting room and accidentally finding what was probably supposed to be a kitchen. There was a sticky mixture of flour and water smeared all over the counters, the floor and--this made her laugh--the ceiling. Pots and pans had frogs and tadpoles swimming happily in them and the floor had the boys footprints in its filth.

To the left there was a doorway, that was missing its door, which led to the dining room. She stepped in warily. The table legs were all crooked and there were dead flowers scattered on the table. She was about to explore further when she heard him enter the kitchen.

‘Wow…I forgot about the pancakes…’ His voice floated around the corner and she tip-toed across the dining room and through another doorway. Feeling silly, she climbed onto the table and was suddenly certain that it would collapse beneath her. When he didn’t come in, after what might have been three or four minutes, she sat down and stared irritably into the kitchen. It looked like he had completely forgotten their game and was now having loads of fun with his frogs. She watched him for a little longer and eventually she caught his eyes and he dropped his frog and raced through the broken doorway.

‘What are you doing on the table, stupid?’ He stopped for a moment and shook his head. ‘You look prettier up there. I think I’ll keep you up there forever.’ Giggling, he climbed up next to her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head a few times.

‘I thought we were playing -’

‘Oh! Wait…we were?’ He crunched up his face and then got distracted again. ‘Well, you’re probably terrible at playing games. You would make it boring.’

She sighed and hopped off the table. What was this kid? ‘What are you?’ She looked up at him at the table and he jumped off suddenly, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the room.

‘What?’

They reached the front door and he stopped. ‘What are you?’

‘I’m a - a -’ He shook his head and then giggled lightly. ‘You know what? There is a word for it. I’ll think of it later. But right now, we need to go outside. The light is going to sleep. I want you to see it.’

Suddenly, she remembered that the only thing she hadn’t seen when she had looked into the sky had been the sun. The light had not been coming from anywhere in particular and so if I wasn‘t coming from anywhere, where does it go at night? A world without a sun seemed terribly frightening.

He pulled open the front door and her apprehension immediately turned to fear. ‘Wait! I don’t want to see it! C’mon, lets stay inside!’ An ebony film seemed to blanket everything but the ground which glowed with an ethereal light. Shadows danced, refusing to stay stationary, and music flitted in and around everything, always just barely out of reach.

‘No! I want you to see it. Don’t complain.’ He dragged her out of the door easily and around the back of the house, away from the ravine. Turning to look at her, he said, ‘Sometimes at night things get spiteful like me…I know they would love to shove us into the ravine.’ Shivering, she clutched him warily.

‘Where did the light go?’ she whispered.

‘In the ground, stupid. Can’t you see it? It has to sleep at night. Otherwise it gets tired and starts telling the truth.’ He giggled at this. ‘The same thing happens to me. So you’d better watch out.’ The glowing grass seemed to burn her feet and she wondered where her shoes had got to.

‘Where are you taking me?’ They started up a slightly angular slope and she tried to keep up with his boyishly excited pace.

‘You can see the city from up here. But only at night, it hides during the day.’ They reached the top and she felt like the shadows were growing closer - licking, laughing, pulling. ‘Look!’ Fear had caught her eyes and mouth in its grip and she struggled to push it away. She told herself to stop being silly and then looked up. Lights raced in perplexed and frightened circles and buildings, like bent trees, leaned on each other for support. An incessant, blurred noise reached out from the odd place and it didn‘t seem to be coming from anywhere in particular. It was not as far away as she thought.

‘You like it, right? Isn’t it beautiful?’ He sighed quickly, defeating the point of sighing altogether, and then dragged her back down the hill.

‘Take me back inside right now! I feel like everything -’

‘I know, I know. It likes you almost as much as me.’ He giggled and put an arm around her, letting go of her hand. She clutched him unwillingly, unsure as to whether or not he would protect her if the shadows became more substantial.

When they reached the open door, she pushed him away, collapsing on the stairs. Giggling, he leapt over to the chandelier and shouted at it.

‘Hey! Hey, give us some damn light!’ The dusty lamp shook and then light slipped into the empty candle holders.

‘Shut the door, will you?’ Putting her face in her hands, she tried to forget the shadows.

‘Nah. The shadows don’t like that. Who knows, one of them might decide to come in to say hi to you.’ He knelt in front of her and pulled her hands away from her face. ‘Did they scare you?’ He sounded amused in a concerned way.

‘Yes! Of course they did! And I’m mad at you for making me go out there. It was stupid.’ She pushed him away and started to climb the stairs. Exhaustion pulled on the sides of her brain and things were fuzzy. The day had been ridiculously short in a long way.

‘Where are you going?’ He jumped after her and grabbed her arm.

‘I’m tired, okay? I wanna go to bed…’

‘But it’s night!’

‘Yeah, that’s when people usually sleep.’ She was beginning to get too irritated to sleep as she stumbled into the fir-lit room.

He seemed confused but followed her into the room, leaving the door open behind him - purposefully. ‘You sleep at night?’ Throwing himself down onto the only occupiable couch, he smirked at the ceiling lazily.

‘Yes. Is there a bed or -’

He jumped up. ‘Oh! A bed! Now I get it. I have the best bed in the world, although I never sleep in it. What a waste of a bed. If you’re sleeping how can you appreciate it?’ It seemed rhetorical so she didn’t respond, following him out of the room sleepily. He led her to the end of the hallway and threw open a door. ‘Ta-da!’ She blinked. The bed was a dull, dirty gold color and the covers were a stained satin and crumpled like someone had been jumping on them. There was nothing else in the room but for a small fireplace with a flickering, unhappy-looking blue fire that gave off no heat.

‘I bet you love it.’ He stared at her blank face, a look of complete certainty smeared across his features.

‘Um…it’ll work. Thanks.’ Before she could enter the room he jumped in front of her and threw himself across the disheveled bed, sighing with joy. She stared at him and then sighed for an entirely different reason. Closing the door behind her, she approached the bed and looked at him.

‘So, are you going to let me sleep here or not?’

‘Of course you can sleep here! Why wouldn’t you be able to? C’mon, get in. It’s terribly cozy. I guess I’ll sleep too, just to make you happy. Although only this once.’ He giggled and pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it into the corner and then pulling the blankets up to his chin.

‘No. I want my own bed.’ And she turned around to leave. He groaned and climbed out of bed, racing in front of the door to stop her.

‘No! I want you to sleep with me. And there isn’t another bed.’ He rushed forward and put his arms around her. ‘Please. I really want you to.’ His skin was warmer than before and she wished he was wearing a shirt.

She pushed him away. ‘No.’

Giggling, he picked her up and carried her to the bed, dropping her in the mess of blankets. ‘Well, I wasn’t exactly asking.’

‘Hey! I told you -’

‘Stop complaining.’ He climbed in after her and propped himself up against the head board, grabbing her arm and pulling her up next to him. ‘Isn’t it nice in here? I like the blue fire but I couldn’t get it warm so I just left it.’

‘Okay, okay. But you have to promise not to - to do anything weird.’

He laughed. ‘But I’m always weird, stupid.’ He didn’t know what she was talking about.

‘I mean…like, you can’t - you can’t take my clothes off while I’m sleeping or anything, okay?’ She felt like she was talking to a four year old.

‘Why? I already took your jacket off. And I already took my own shirt off. Why not take yours off too? That’s kind of a weird thing to ask…’ He smiled to himself and started playing with the hem of her shirt‘I’m serious. If you take my shirt off I’ll run away and you’ll never see me again.’ She pushed his hands away from her shirt and he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

‘Oh, I would never let you run away. That would be stupid. C’mon, why not take your shirt off? It’ll be more comfortable without it, I swear.’ He reached down again and started to pull it up.

‘I’ll hate you forever if you do! I swear!’ She pushed his hands away again and his face lit up.

‘You mean you don’t hate me right now? Well, I knew it all along. Of course you don’t.’ He had totally forgotten about her shirt. Sliding down lower, he pulled her close to him, there faces only inches apart on the pillow. ‘Lets pretend we’re hiding from something really scary, okay? And then we’ll pretend that I saved you from it and you’ll like me so much you won’t mind if I kiss you, okay?’

‘No.’ She couldn’t help giggling and his eyes glowed in the dim light.

‘So you don’t mind if I kiss you?’ But he didn’t wait for her to answer, propping himself up on his elbows and leaning over her, letting his mouth touch hers for a moment and then moving it down to her neck. She rolled away and he fell back on his pillow, laughing quietly. ‘How about you kiss me instead? Please?’ He grabbed her and pulled her back, making a funny face.

‘Tomorrow, okay? But right now I want to sleep.’ She hoped he would have forgotten by tomorrow and pulled the covers over her head.

‘But I don’t want to wait until tomorrow!’ But he stopped nagging and lay down, staring at the ceiling with his odd, silver eyes.

She thought this would be a good time to think about everything that had happened but her brain disagreed and turned off in the middle of a thought. She slept.

" ‘In the ground, stupid. Can’t you see it? It has to sleep at night. Otherwise it gets tired and starts telling the truth.’ He giggled at this. ‘The same thing happens to me. So you’d better watch out.’ The glowing grass seemed to burn her feet and she wondered where her shoes had got to. "


This was totally awesome. Very creative.

This chapter was so much better. Well done. I really enjoyed it. The sprite is strange...I like him, but I don't. And I want to know more about the city. Looking forward to more!

Another great chapter. Alicia was much better this time around, actually standing up to the Sprite.

Alicia raced around the stairs, [s]meeting with[/s] entering a filthy kitchen. There was [s]pancake batter made almost entirely[/s] a sticky mixture of flour and water smeared all over the counters, the floor and - this made her laugh - the ceiling.

I think entering the kitchen sounds a bit better. And, for the second sentence, I think it might be better to say that it was the flour and water mixture, as she really can't know that it was supposed to be pancakes and that he only had flour and water in it. Plus, then the Sprite will reveal that it was supposed to be pancakes when he enters the kitchen and it will sound better.

To the left there was a doorway, that was missing its door, [s]that[/s] which led to the dining room.

That sentence was just too clunky, so I added the commas and changed the second 'that' to 'which'. I think 'which' is what it's supposed to be anyway, although I'm not certain of that, but, it also gets rid of the repetitive 'that.'

There was less furniture than upstairs but what there was still looked silly: tables on top of chairs, [s]and[/s] couches upside down, and dust and dirt everywhere.

When did she get downstairs? The part from before says that: 'Alicia raced around the stairs,' so you need to fix one or the other. And the second part was a list, so there was no need for the second and, and a need for commas.

She jumped in surprise and spun around, backing up and tripping over a stray pile of oddities and falling on her butt.

This is a run on sentence. Try to separate it out into two or more sentences. Maybe something like: She jumped in surprise and spun around to face the Sprite. As she did so, she backed up and tripped over a stray pile of oddities, falling onto her butt.

She was a little angry at herself for unnecessarily annoying him.

This sentence is a little random. I mean, it wasn't her fault that she tripped when he expected her to run. And, the Sprite hasn't really given too much of an indication of being abusive, so why wouldn't she want to annoy him unnecessarily? Of course, she could be a bit worried that she's just annoyed her father's killer. Whatever did happen to the gun?

She scrambled quickly to her feet and had only just turned the corner back to the stairs when he was almost right behind her.

This sentence just doesn't make sense, with the 'had' and the 'almost.' Try something like: She scrambled to her feet and started running. As she turned the corner to get back to the stairs, she heard him start right after her. At this rate, he would catch up to her in no time.

Quickly, she turned [s]back[/s] into the kitchen again and slipped on the disgusting pancake batter. She grabbed hold of the counter to keep from falling into [s]it[/s] the mess on the floor.

That was getting into run-on sentence territory. You need to watch your action parts, action always flows best with short, concise sentences. The again flows better, maybe even saying that she entered the room again. And, I broke up the sentence into two, changing the present tense into the past tense.

[s]A[/s] This world without a sun seemed terribly frightening.

Unless you add in a sentence of her wondering if the sun disappeared altogether, I think it's better adding the 'this' to make it about nighttime at that world.

‘The same thing happens to me. So you’d better watch out.’

Nothing wrong with this sentence, . I just wanted to say that I think that Sprite telling the truth would be quite scary. The Sprite is unnerving enough without the truth.

They had started up a slightly angular slope and he was getting more excited.

You might want to change this into the perfect past tense, deleting the 'had,' and putting this ahead of the dialogue. It would flow better, as pluperfect is on the edge of a passive voice, I think.

She had been too busy being frightened to look over the ridge but, when she did, she froze. Lights raced around like they were trying to escape something and buildings, like bent trees, leaned on each other for support. There was an incessant whirring sound, but she couldn't tell if it was voices or something more…magical. It was much too far to see any city-inhabitants, but she hoped they were not all as insane as the one she had met.

Mostly just comma problems, which is why I copied the whole paragraph. I comma'd off the bent trees part, although it might also fit at the end of the sentence, mimicking the earlier part of it. And then you were missing the uncertainty of the next sentence.

and then turned and dragged her back down the hill.

Make this into its own sentence, apart from the speech tag.

They got back to the door and she pushed him away and ran back inside, collapsing on the stairs and trying to catch her breath. He didn’t shut the door as he came back in but immediately leapt over to the chandelier and yelled at it to give him some damn light.

The first is a run-on sentence, to be reformed into two or more sentences. And, he's been talking enough that the underlined part could be made into actual dialogue.

‘Shut the door, will you?’ She put her face in her hands and tried to forget the shadows.

The 'will you' is a question, I think.

[s]His[/s] He sounded amused in a concerned way.

Either this, or add in the word 'voice,' so that it'd be 'His voice sounded.' I think the plain He works the best, though.

She hoped that it hadn’t been morning when she awoke.

This sentence is confusing, I think it might be the negative. You could also try adding the next sentence to this one with a comma. But, it needs something...

‘But it's night!’

Contraction.

Her tone was so serious that he backed off.

It either needed the bold word, or a comma. Plus, with the way the Sprite has acted so far, why would that tone work now? Not that I'm saying that he should take her shirt off, but I don't think that he tone would really work...

The Sprite is mesmerizing, going from one mood to another. He's so random that he's scary, good job. I wonder if it's going to occur to Alicia to go to the city for help, or if she'd even find help at a city such as that.

Very curious to read more. So, PM me, and good luck writing!!

Chap. 5-------------I'm worried about this one. Does it fit the rest of the story?

*******


Alicia awoke to harsh light and distant sobbing. She rolled over; thoughts, dreams and reality all contorted into a mass of confusion. Eyes sticky and vision blurred, she sat up. A lick of useless memory told her this was her room. But that was all it gave her.

She climbed out of bed, a sense of complete dejection dripping from her eyes. It was like one of those stupid kids books where the stupid girl goes on a fantastic adventure and then wakes up in bed at home with Christmas presents scattered all over her face--or something dumb like that. Alicia swore and kicked a pile of dirty clothes. She was still wearing the same jeans and t-shirt that had been to another dimension but her jacket was nowhere to be found. Was it still burning in what-his-name’s fire place? She pushed the thought away.

‘Mom?’ she whispered as she ventured out of the room. She assumed her mom would be in her house. Did she have a mom? She hoped so.

A middle-aged woman with red, puffy eyes and an annoying black sweater was sitting in front of the TV, crying her eyes out. Yes, it must be her mom. At least, it made sense for it to be her mom.

‘Mom, why are you crying?’ She was starkly reminded of Peter Pan; her mother looked nothing like him.

The woman looked up and the tears seemed to freeze in mid sob. She didn’t move for about thirteen and a half seconds and then she jumped up and engulfed Alicia in a dripping, frightening hug. She seemed to be talking but Alicia could not make out what she was saying. Things started to come back. A really loud noise…running…sorrow?

Nope. Nothing came. She thought she could remember meeting the boy but that was all. Maybe this woman wasn’t her mother. She didn’t think she cared to find out why she was crying.

She pushed the woman away, shaking her head. Her mom sniffed, and seemed to assume that her daughter had heard every snot-covered word she had spoke.

‘So I don’t suppose you mean to tell me where you have been for a two nights?’ The words didn’t fit in the mouth of such a destroyed woman. They were automatic. They didn’t mean anything. It didn’t matter if it was her mother; Alicia didn’t remember her. Without any compunction, she pushed past her mom and yanked open the door, racing into the early morning.

Outside everything was obscured by a layer of thick fog. Lights were dim and shimmered eerily on wet pavement. He was right, the light was unforgivably harsh. It was sharp as opposed to soft and told cruel truths as opposed so pretty lies. She couldn’t tell which she preferred.

She shivered. Stooping, Victorian houses seemed to flicker through a haze of complete bewilderment. There was something painful about the disorientation alone. Eventually, the damp and frightened girl sat down beneath a broken street sign, her discomfort complete as it dug into her back cruelly. How could she not remember? What was wrong with her? And how could that stupid sprite have played such a cruel joke? She wondered what was so incredibly awful about having absolutely no idea where you were.

‘This is stupid. This is stupid and cruel. I want someone to make it end. Please.’ She put her face in her hands and took a deep breath. She wanted to cry but no tears came.

‘What’s stupid?’ The voice sounded like it was about to laugh.

She looked up and had to lean back to see the face that belonged to the voice. He was just the same. And still not wearing a shirt. It seemed like a dumb ending to the terror of being alone. Not wanting to show that she was almost glad to see him, she stood slowly and wiped her wet hands on her jeans. ‘You’re stupid, stupid. Why did you -’

‘You asked me to. You said you wanted to come back! But you’re getting all wet…’ He stretched out his hand and ran it through her hair. She flinched.

‘But I don’t remember! I don’t - I don’t remember anything…’ Her voice fell and she twisted her hands angrily.

‘Hm. That’s good. I would hate to have to have this world in my head all the time.’ He stared at the sky and it began to rain. ‘Let’s go to your school and paint on the walls. With colors.’ He looked away from the sky and grabbed her hand.

‘No! I want my memories back! Where did you put them?’ She tried to jerk her hand out his and he took her arm, her hand too slippery to hold onto.

‘Nah, you don’t want them back. They’re all ugly. C’mon, before you remember everything…’ He giggled, shifting his weight from foot to foot excitedly.

‘I won’t go with you.’ She tried to jerk away again, feeling complacent in a forcibly angry way. His grip didn’t falter so she kicked him in the shin.

‘Ow! That hurt!’ And he kicked her back much harder than she kicked him. Her vision got blurry and she rubbed her leg angrily.

‘Please, c’mon. Isn’t there a way to get my memory -’

‘No. There isn’t. Okay, I don’t know if there is. I’m bored and cold.’ He pulled on her in the direction of school and she resisted.

‘I told you, no. And let me go.’ She started to try and pry his fingers off and he grabbed her wrist.

‘Stop it! You’re really annoying me…’ Pulling her closer, he kissed her lightly on the mouth. ‘Hey! Remember last night when you promised to -’

‘I changed my mind. Now let me go.’ Struggling didn’t seem to be helping much but, at least consistently, she tried to jerk away.

‘You can’t do that!’ His eyes flashed and she cringed. There was something in his eyes she didn’t recognize. He looked like he was about to say something and his breathing was ragged. ‘Dammit!’ His mouth turned up and he dropped her wrist, hitting her across the face. ‘There! That’ll teach you to break your word!’ He sounded like a little boy who didn’t know his own strength, but her face still stung and the humiliation wasn’t any less.

‘God, that hurt! You aren’t supposed to hit girls, you know!’ She tried to hit him back but he grabbed her wrist.

‘You broke your word, stupid. You deserved it.’ He seemed to have forgotten how angry he had been only moments ago and, taking a deep breath, he grinned. ‘I’m hungry. Let’s go to -’

‘First, let me go. Then we can talk about it.’ It was obvious that fighting him wasn’t helping. He looked at her for a moment and then let go, immediately hugging her tightly.

‘I’m cold! And you aren’t allowed to be mad at me, okay?’ He kept her wrapped tightly in his arms and she forced herself to imagine him ten years younger so as not to hate him. Hating him didn’t seem to help either.

‘Okay. I’m sure you could get a sweatshirt at -’

‘Your house! We can stop there first and then we can take your mom’s car anywhere we want!’ He stepped back and shook his head. ‘Even when you’re all wet and angry I like you. It’s weird. Alright, let’s go!’ He giggled and then ran ahead, beckoning for her to follow. Less grudgingly then she liked to think, she followed him.

He stayed ahead, constantly yelling at her to speed up, and finally they got back to her wilting house.

‘Now I can meet your mom. I bet she’ll like me a lot more than all the other guys you’ve introduced her to.’ He smiled confidently and marched up to the door. Alicia didn’t want to tell him that his lack of a shirt, orange hair and silver eyes wouldn’t win her mothers affection--if he was right in the fact that it was her mother who lived in this weird house. He knocked, his chin high in the air and his eyes shining. After a moment, the door opened and the same ugly woman who Alicia had run from only twenty minutes earlier stood before them. She looked completely aghast for about ten seconds and then the boy spoke.

‘Hi.’ He said it with great pride and then pushed past her and raced through the living room and down the hallway. ‘C’mon, Alicia, help me pick out a shirt and find the car keys!’

At that point, the frightening woman fainted. Sighing, Alicia stepped over her and followed the boy into her room. When she entered he was wrapped in one of her blankets, a grimace of annoyance smeared on his face.

‘Your room smells stupid. Find a shirt for me.’ She wanted to make him use his manners and then decided that might be unwise. Quickly, she grabbed one of her much-too-big school sweatshirts out of the closet and threw at him. Her shirt was soaking wet and so she grabbed another one off a hanger and glanced over at the sprite. He was struggling with the sweatshirt, swearing quietly as his wet body stuck to the cloth. When he finally got it on he giggled. ‘That was easy.’

‘Okay, I need to change really fast. Wait in the hall for a second.’ She pointed at the door and he ignored her, beginning to jump on her bed with vigor.

‘My bed is better for jumping.’

‘Fine, I’ll change in the bathroom…’ She made for the door and he jumped in front of her.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I just told you! I need to change, I’m all wet!’ She stamped her foot and he laughed.

‘You don’t need to leave the room to change.’ Giggling and shaking his head, he shut the door and jumped back onto the bed.

‘Yes, I do!’

‘No, you don’t.’

Growing more and more irritated by his ridiculous behavior, she decided to pretend he was a kid she babysat for. There was nothing weird about changing in front of a four year old boy as far as she knew. Quickly and a little apprehensively, she peeled off the wet shirt and pulled on the dry one. At least she was wearing a bra. When she looked up he was sitting on the bed, staring at her.

‘I told you.’

‘You told me what?’

‘That you didn’t need to change in the bathroom.’ Getting up and smiling like an idiot, he grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room. ‘Where’re the keys to the car?’

‘You know how to -’

‘Of course, stupid. Where are they?’

The living room was empty but for the unconscious woman and she showed him where the keys were, more than a little bit worried about his driving skills. But she didn’t bother offering to drive for she knew he would only laugh. Still holding her hand, they reached her moms ugly Volvo and he unlocked it quickly, grinning like he imagined himself an expert at unlocking cars.

‘All right, let’s go.‘ And he jumped into car.

Love it, love it, LOVE IT!

You are really, really improving. A LOT. I really can't believe how much better you are. The descriptions were better, and Alicia seemed realer (as did Spritey-boy).

I couldn't find anything that important to correct, as I could have in Chapter One and Two. OMG!! I just can't believe how much better the story is! Now I know how Chern feels. -nods sagely-

SB should be up soon - the cool part that I luvs. But again, CONGRATS ON THE AMAZING WRITING.

You - you really do amaze me in that respect. Great, great job, and PUT MORE UP SOON! xD

Best of luck luckiness,

- SELA

As promised, here's my review. This was a great chapter, I loved the imagery within it. Sela Locke is write, you have improved, . I liked Alicia's reaction to returning to her normal world, how she hated being there, but she wasn't ready to tell the sprite that she wanted to go back with him. And the sprite is as annoying and lovable as usual, .

A lick of useless memory told her this was her room. But that was all it gave her.

I think 'Flicker' might work better here. In some ways 'lick of memory' works, but, in others, it's sounds a bit strange.

She climbed out of bed, a sense of complete dejection dripping from her eyes.

Does that mean that she's crying? Or sensing feelings through her eyes? Maybe: 'a sense of complete dejection showed in her eyes.' Or, a bit of clarification.

then wakes up in bed at home with Christmas presents scattered all over her face-

This kind of reads as though presents like toys and CDs are attached to the girl's face, although it could just be me, . Maybe wrapping paper on the girl's face, or presents scattered around her?

Was it still burning in what's-his-name’s fire place?

I added the contraction of 'is' to the 'what,' and added hyphens to make it readable, yet still all together. Also, this whole sentence could probably be italicized, as it's a specific thought.

At least, it made sense for it to be her mom.

Just added a comma.

Nope. Nothing came.

Well, something did come to her, just not anything that made sense to her. So, maybe say that nothing specific came to her, or that she didn't understand it?

She almost didn’t care to find out why she was crying.

She doesn't really seem to care at all, so maybe cut out the almost, or add in a 'but' clause.

He was right, the light was unforgivably harsh.

I still can't quite see what makes the light of Alicia's world harsh. Here might be a good place to solidify the comparison between the two.

She shivered. Stooping, Victorian houses seemed to flicker through a haze of complete bewilderment. There was something painful about the disorientation alone.

Nothing wrong with this part. I just wanted to say that this was one of my favorite parts of description.

How could she not remember? What was wrong with her? And how could that stupid sprite have played such a cruel joke?

These could probably be italics. Also, I know I haven't really read the edited version of the earlier chapters, but why didn't she wonder about the memory loss before, when she was with the sprite?

‘You’re stupid, Stupid. Why did you-’

I capitalized the second stupid, since it was being used as a term of address. I'm not quite sure if it's correct or not, but it looks a bit better. The other thing I'm not sure about is the ending punctuation there. I think that hyphens do work like that, and maybe it just needs the extra space between the last word and the hyphen to deleted.

‘But, I don’t remember!

Comma.

I would hate [s]to have[/s] to have this world in my head all the time.’

I think that the sprite could get away with only having one 'to have' here. Or, maybe change it to 'forced to have.' The two 'to have's are a bit awkward.

He stared at the sky [s]and[/s] as it began to rain.

The other way it almost seems to suggest that he made it rain... Although, wasn't it just raining before? Or, where did all of the 'wet' comments come from before?

‘Let’s go to your school and paint on the walls. With colors.’

Again, nothing wrong with this one. But, I do love how he felt like he had to emphasize the fact that they needed to paint with colors. Or, that could be clarify, or something starting with a Q, but I can't think of the word... *grumbles*

She tried to jerk away again, feeling complacent in a forcibly angry way.

This statement confuses me. Does this mean that she's willing to go with him, but she feels angry? Clarify, please.

‘No. There isn’t, okay? I don’t know if there is.

This is just how my mind kept telling me it should be written. I keep seeing the 'okay' as a question...

He [s]still[/s] sounded like a little boy who didn’t know his own strength, but her face still stung and the humiliation wasn’t any less.

You use 'still' a lot, and it really stood out in this part. Also, I combined the two sentences.

He stayed ahead, constantly yelling at her to speed up, and finally they got back to her wilting house.

I know that this is a transition, but it seems a bit rushed. Maybe break this up into two sentences, at least. Maybe mention something about how far she traveled to escape from the house, or surprise that he knew where she lived.

Growing more and more irritated by his ridiculous behavior, she decided to pretend he was a kid that she was babysitting for. There was nothing weird about changing in front of a four year old boy, as far as she knew.

I think the first sentence flows better that way. And, an added comma. She could try and turn away from the sprite, to preserve some modesty. And, reason to herself if she was wearing a bra...

Quickly, and a little apprehensively, she peeled off the wet shirt and pulled on the dry one.

Added comma.

The living room was empty, but for the unconscious woman, and she showed him where the keys were. She was more than a little bit worried about his driving skills, but she didn’t bother offering to drive, for she knew he would only laugh. Still holding her hand, they reached her moms ugly Volvo and he expertly unlocked it [s]expertly[/s]. At least, the sprite looked like he thought that he had done it like an expert[s]ly[/s].

Okay, this paragraph got a lot of corrections, because it was a bit rushed. Comma'd off the appositive, and changed around some of the sentences. The first underline, how did she remember that it was her mom's Volvo? Then, I moved the 'expertly,' sounds better.

The words of the second underline confuse me, and it took me two read-throughs to get it. So, I edited that to make it make sense. 'The sprite' works as a name for the sprite, until you actually name him, if you intend to. Then, I actually wrote 'like an expert' before I edited the rest of the sentence, another flowing thing.

‘All right, let’s go.’

Another flowing thing, although it's not important. My main reason for copying this part was: who was speaking? I'm guessing that it's the sprite, but you might want to say so.

Anyway, great writing! As I've said before, I loved the description for this piece. And, I only had a few questions for this piece, and a lot of them had to do with the sudden switch in Alicia. So, it's more my mind trying to wrap around the changes, and also making sure that you're not making mistakes within the editing. I know that I make most of my mistakes when editing...

I do think that this part fits with the rest of the story, even with the added memory loss, and I love how the sprite just randomly brings her back to her house. That sprite is very random, which makes him an interesting character.

Good luck with your writing, and PM when you've done more.

Hey there

I really enjoyed reading what I've read so far! It is really good, and an interesting concept! Alicia needs to be developed more, and she needs to have more emotion, etc, so you would do good to work on that. Her dad’s been killed, she’s been kidnapped… why isn’t she losing it?

You never tell us what her age is, so when you say he is of an age similar to hers, we have no clue what this is. Later you describe him as a little boy… but that makes no sense if he is her age. Anyway, it was a good read. PM me when you put up any more of this or when you edit it!

Oh, and my review is about chapter 1 to 3! I'll review 4 and 5 soon, but don't have the time right now. PM me if I forget, okay?

XxxDo

So I read a book called “Elementary Coral”; and it’s about a boy who steals the fortune of a rich, snobby, irritating brat of a private school… girl. He kills both her parents, steals her heart so that she offers him all her money if he promises not to leave her -- not the most faithful? He takes the money, and runs, laughing like a little bugger. After spending all the money, he seems to realize that he’s actually in love with the girl, so he goes back, and tells her the truth about everything. She immediately despises him, and threatens to kill him if he doesn’t promise to never show his face again. He tells her he’ll travel the world until he finds her heart and buys it back from whomever he sold it to, then they can trade. She doesn’t agree, but he goes anyway -- and it reminded me of this story for some reason.

I just felt like telling you that.

dude, this thing is AWESOME! PM me when the next part comes out please. I loved the end, very dramatic.