*marked for deletion*

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Hey LittleBitCold! Welcome! Anyway here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Things/words that I think could work better
Here we go!

LittleBitCold wrote:Everyone was talking at once, shouting, screeching, laughing. She wanted to get away from them, escape from the pain that they were so unaware of, it was like a wave that she couldn’t keep from being crushed by. The chill of the late September air was nothing compared to the heat of the animal atmosphere that seemed to crawl under her skin, [s]promising a year that she would never feel clean[/s].

The bright lights focused on the football field felt like they were more focused on her. Try not to use focused twice in one sentence. Repetition can be a little distracting She hated it when people looked at her. When the guys noticed her they would point in disgust [s]even pointed[/s] I've never been a fan of sentence fragments. Why couldn’t they just try to be human? How hard would it be? She supposed that it wasn’t [s]likely that it was [/s]that hard, it was just hat they were all completely incapable of trying.

She looked around her. She was sitting near the bottom of the bleachers and to her left was a family with two smaller children who were obviously making it their life goal to make certain the parents couldn’t watch the football game. Here's a runon. Try and take out sny excess words. She turned away from them, uninterested and glanced to her right. A few seats away five or six boys had [s]made[/s] marked their little territory with large jackets and were making sure it stayed that way. Sneering and cruelly making fun of anyone abnormal or unattractive, they flirted with the sluts and eyed the girls that didn’t respond to their crude attention-seeking shouts and raucous laughter. She quickly looked away as one of the boys noticed her watching and pointed her out to his friend who smiled. Her refusal to respond didn’t seem to phase them [s]much[/s], [s]first[/s] since she was sitting alone and [s]second[/s] the cheerleaders had started another one of their [s]disgustingly[/s] promiscuous dances. Instead of telling us that it's disgusting, have here turn away from the dancers in disgust. Then have her say something to herself, I don't understand why they always have to act like that. It's repulsive.

Her mind wandered and she remembered that tomorrow she had to drive all the way up to Greensboro to baby sit her little cousins. She could thank her thoughtful mom for that commitment. She had a hard time admitting to herself that she really didn’t have anything better to do. [s]It was sometimes hard to confess even to herself that her time was for the most part empty[/s] It doesn't seem like it's that hard to confess if she's acknowledging it. . And although it seemed odd that she was by herself, it had[s] really[/s] always been like that. A year ago her only friend had died and it had left her with not much more then she had before. She doesn't seem as sad as she should be here. expound on her emotions. When someone dies it usually shocks them [s]Even before the death of this girl she hadn’t done much.[/s] They sat together, but still alone. They didn’t really talk much and [s]for some reason[/s] just shared each others company. [s]But then she had died and things didn’t seem so much different[/s]. Try to avoid repeating yourself in this paragraph People still either ignored her or tried to think of an insult that she wasn’t able to turn back on them. [s]For the most part they stayed away from her and glared at her as she walked by. [/s]That was about as bad as it was, and the only reason she hated it was because they hated her for the very same reason they weren’t able to realize why they hated her, and maybe that’s what made them so mad. You conveyed a lot of what you said in this paragraph about being along with all the boys pointing at her, her sitting by herself etc. You don't need to repeat everything. Also, this paragraph was a little too long for my taste.

Cheering from the crowd made her look away from the comfort of the blank sky and saw that the team had scored. Everyone was jumping up and down and screaming. She sighed and suppressed the urge to be proud of the players that loved to trip her in the hall, knock her lunch out of her hands, steal everything out of her locker. Their feeble attempts to make her angry usually made her almost feel some affection for them so she stood up and cheered with everyone else.

The game was over and she got up to walk over to the gym with everyone else to celebrate they’re victory. From what you said before, she doesn't seem like she would do this. It wasn’t really a big deal, they always won, but it gave all the stupid kids an excuse to eat more pizza, drink more soda, and laugh a lot louder. She would have preferred to go home but her dad wasn’t picking her up until nine-thirty when he got off duty and it was only quarter to nine now. [s]It had been a long night and she was starting to yawn.[/s] The gym doors were thrown open and everyone was pushing and shoving to be the first to congratulate their players on the fantastic win. She stayed back and waited for the rush to be over, not compelled to bump up against the people who would love to shove her in the dirt. When she finally got in there wasn’t an empty table so she grabbed a coke and sat on the ground outside the door. It was cold and she pulled her coat tighter around her slim body, the coke freezing her insides. She seemed very claustrophobic in the beginning. Now, "the wave" doesn't seem to matter to her. Try to be more consistent with your main character

‘Did you see that? He’s so fucking stoned…I didn’t even know that was POSSIBLE. I thought you had to be sober to be a football player but I guess the only requirement is being really, really dumb.’

It was a few of the outcasts that loved to think they were better then everyone else when really they ended up being exactly the same. When they noticed her they exchanged a conspiratorial glance and then kicked her coke over, almost getting her shoes all wet but she was faster and had jumped up before it got her. They all laughed and she bent down to pick up her purse.

‘So, Alicia, did you like the game? Sorry about your coke, Dave here is just a little psyched about our amazing win. Only half the guys were on steroids this time, right?’ They all laughed again and she straightened up.

‘Save your breath. You know its not going to do anything…’ She gave them her signature innocent look that always infuriated them and then stepped around them back into the safety of the gym. There was still no where to sit so she leaned up against the wall and wondered what it would be like to have a group of people around you, and not to have every insult laughed at by the entire school. Even the nerds had other nerds who at least tried to protect them.

Her gaze swept the room and caught more eyes then she would have liked. Everyone was at their designated table and although it was deafening loud the energy was fairly peaceful. The outcast kids came back in and she left right behind them. The time would go faster if she wasn’t always watching her back.

Fortunately she was able to sit, unbothered, outside the door until her dad got there. His police-car which he would have to take back to the station on their way home, seemed to blend in with the dirty ignorance of the school. She didn’t hate her dad, she just wasn’t sure if she was allowed to love him or not.

She stepped off the curb and pulled open the back door, throwing her back pack on top of a pile of papers, then climbing into the front seat.

‘You’re going to have to get out and get you’re backpack back when I drop the car off.’

‘Yeah.’ She looked over at her dad and studied his usual stern expression. Clean-shaven, once handsome, never happy as far as she could remember. Her parents had divorced when she was eleven and then gotten back together. They had never been remarried but the year that she didn’t see her mom pretended like it had never existed. She dealt with that. No big deal.

‘How was the game?’

‘We won.’

‘Did you have fun?’

‘Yeah, more then usual, actually.’ Neither of her parents noticed that she didn’t have any friends and she preferred it that way. Therapy usually followed being alone. Reverse the order. Instead say: Being along was usually followed by therapy

‘Really? Why is that?’

‘Casey and Spencer dressed up like faeries and invaded the commentary box - they got thrown out. It was pretty funny.’ It was often that she would tell a small story about a made up pair of people just to sound normal.

‘That does sounds funny.’ Her dad didn’t crack a smile, his eyes glued to the road.

‘Yeah, a lot of people thought they might get arrested but no such luck.’

‘Crazy.’ It was obvious that he wasn’t listening.

She cleared her throat. ‘So, how was work?’

‘Good, good. Pretty quiet, though.’

‘Of course.’

‘Your mother called at lunch and said she had some school assignment of yours that you had forgotten. She wanted me to try and call the school -’ he paused. ‘- couldn’t get through.’

‘Hm. I don’t remember any missing homework assignments. Must’ve been a mistake.’

‘Maybe.’ we pulled into the station, it was quiet, the lights were dim, she shivered. He pulled into the lot in the back where there was a small row of off-duty cars and across from it a row of cars that belonged to the officers. It was cold and she climbed out quickly, getting her back pack and dashing across the street to her dad’s little silver Honda. He was obviously in no rush and took a good three minutes getting something out of the back and then walking agonizingly slow to the station to return the keys. She hopped on one foot, trying to get warm.

Finally her dad got back and they both climbed into the car, it was freezing and she pulled her knees up to her chest, blowing into her hands. Runon, try to split up your ideas

The first time you hear a gunshot you never forget it. Well, that’s not entirely true, if you hear the shot from a mile off, or even just a few yards off, the shock will be less. But in Alicia's case the shot was right next to her ear, sending what was left of her fathers fragmented soul to a place that she did not understand. She couldn’t stop screaming, but she couldn’t hear her voice, there was a hole in the back of his head and he was slumped over the steering wheel, the keys fell from his hands. Without much thought as to who might have fired the shot, and without looking into the back seat where she would have seen a boy not much older then herself, she threw herself out of the car and ran faster then she ever had before. Gleaming blood froze on her face. She had no idea where she was going.

Good job for your first piece. Here are my overall comments:

Plot: You would have had a better plot if you didn't overemphasize the fact that she was an outcast herself. We can tell she's alone, forgotten, different, and hated in the first few paragraphs so you don't want to overdo the everyone hating her because she's different stuff. Some of your paragraphs completely focused on that and it was a little too much and overwhelming at times. Try to cut out as much as you can without taking away that feeling of her being alone. Your plot will be much more engaging and will go by faster if you do so.

Character: Make sure your character fits your mold. She seems shy, in the beginning she's almost scared, claustrophobic, but then she becomes this person who doesn't care what people think about her even though she talks about being alone all the time. Show us what's going on in her mind. Is she disgusted by the things others do? Does she feel pangs of jealousy at the other people who have friends? Is she sad? She seems quite indifferent for most of your story so make sure her real emotions are coming through.

I love the ending! It was out of nowhere, defintiley surprised me. At first I thought her father committed suicide so you might not want him to get anything out of his car (first thing I thought of was a gun). Also, maybe have him start backing the car out when suddenly the bullet rips through the air.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Nice job and Keep up the good work!

LittleBitCold wrote:Everyone was talking at once, shouting, screeching, laughing. She wanted to get away from them, escape from the pain that they were so unaware of, (period, new sentence) it was like a wave that she couldn’t keep from being crushed by. The chill of the late September air was nothing compared to the heat of the animal atmosphere (I love this analogy and I don't even know why, lol) that seemed to crawl under her skin, promising a year that she would never feel clean.

The bright lights focused on the football field felt like they were more focused on her. She hated it when people looked at her. When the guys noticed her, sometimes even pointed. (That's a fragment, and I usually don't care about fragments except this one is kind of confusing) Why couldn’t they just try to be human? How hard would it be? She supposed that it wasn’t likely that it was that hard, they were all completely incapable of trying. (Awkward sentence)

She looked around her. She was sitting near the bottom of the bleachers and to her left was a family with two smaller children who were obviously making it their life goal to make certain the parents couldn’t watch the football game. (Ooh, VERY long sentence) She turned away from them, uninterested (comma) and glanced to her right. A few seats away five or six boys had made their little territory and were making sure it stayed that way. Sneering and cruelly making fun of anyone abnormal or unattractive. They flirted with the sluts and eyed the girls that didn’t respond to their crude attention-seeking shouts and raucous laughter. She quickly looked away as one of the boys noticed her watching and pointed her out to his friend (comma) who smiled. Her refusal to respond didn’t seem to phase (fase, I think) them much, (period, new sentence) first she was sitting alone and second the cheerleaders had started another one of their disgustingly promiscuous (I'm not sure "promiscuous" is the right word) dances.

Her mind wandered and she remembered that tomorrow she had to drive all the way up to Greensboro to baby sit (babysit) her little cousins. She could thank her thoughtful mom for that commitment. She had a hard time admitting to herself that she really didn’t have anything better to do. It was sometimes hard to confess even to herself that her time was for the most part empty. (I think this last sentence is a bit unnecessary) And although it seems odd it had really always been like that. A year ago her only friend had died and it had left her with not much more then she had before. Even before the death of this girl she hadn’t done much. They sat together, but still alone. They didn’t really talk much and for some reason just shared each others company. But then she had died and things didn’t seem so much different. People still either ignored her or tried to think of an insult that she wasn’t able to turn back on them. For the most part they stayed away from her and glared at her as she walked by. That was about as bad as it was, and the only reason she hated it was because they hated her for the very same reason they weren’t able to realize why they hated her, and maybe that’s what made them so mad. (Wow, that was a little confusing)

Cheering from the crowd made her look away from the comfort of the blank sky and saw that they had scored and everyone was jumping up and down and screaming. (Run-on sentence) She sighed and suppressed the urge to be proud of the players that loved to trip her in the hall, knock her lunch out of her hands, steal everything out of her locker. Their feeble attempts to make her angry usually made her almost feel some affection for them (comma) so she stood up and cheered with everyone else.

The game was over and she got up to walk over to the gym with everyone else to celebrate they’re victory. It wasn’t really a big deal, they always won, but it gave all the stupid kids an excuse to eat more pizza, drink more soda, and laugh a lot louder. (Great sentence) She would have preferred to go home but her dad wasn’t picking her up until nine-thirty when he got off duty and it was only quarter to nine now. It had been a long night and she was starting to yawn. The gym doors were thrown open and everyone was pushing and shoving to be the first to congratulate their players on the fantastic win. She stayed back and waited for the rush to be over, not compelled to bump up against the people who would love to shove her in the dirt. When she finally got in there wasn’t an empty table so she grabbed a coke and sat on the ground outside the door. It was cold and she pulled her coat tighter around her slim body, the coke freezing her insides.

‘Did you see that? He’s so fucking stoned…I didn’t even know that was POSSIBLE. I thought you had to be sober to be a football player but I guess the only requirement is being really, really dumb.’

It was a few of the outcasts that loved to think they were better then everyone else when really they ended up being exactly the same. When they noticed her they exchanged a conspiratorial glance and then kicked her coke over, almost getting her shoes all wet but she was faster and had jumped up before it got her. They all laughed and she bent down to pick up her purse.

‘So, Alicia, did you like the game? Sorry about your coke, Dave here is just a little psyched about our amazing win. Only half the guys were on steroids this time, right?’ They all laughed again and she straightened up.

‘Save your breath. You know its not going to do anything…’ She gave them her signature innocent look that always infuriated them and then stepped around them back into the safety of the gym. There was still no where to sit so she leaned up against the wall and wondered what it would be like to have a group of people around you, and not to have every insult laughed at by the entire school. Even the nerds had other nerds who at least tried to protect them.

Her gaze swept the room and caught more eyes then she would have liked. Everyone was at their designated table and although it was deafening [s]loud [/s](you don't need two adjectives in a row) the energy was fairly peaceful. The outcast [s]kids [/s] (just say "the outcasts") came back in and she left right behind them. The time would go faster if she wasn’t always watching her back.

Fortunately she was able to sit, unbothered, outside the door until her dad got there. His police-car (comma) which he would have to take back to the station on their way home, seemed to blend in with the dirty ignorance of the school. She didn’t hate her dad, she just wasn’t sure if she was allowed to love him or not.

She stepped off the curb and pulled open the back door, throwing her back pack on top of a pile of papers, then climbing into the front seat.

‘You’re going to have to get out and get [s]you’re [/s](your) backpack back when I drop the car off.’

‘Yeah.’ She looked over at her dad and studied his usual stern expression. Clean-shaven, once handsome, never happy as far as she could remember. Her parents had divorced when she was eleven and then gotten back together. They had never been remarried but the year that she didn’t see her mom pretended like it had never existed. (That sentence doesn't make sense.) She dealt with that. No big deal.

‘How was the game?’

‘We won.’

‘Did you have fun?’

‘Yeah, more then usual, actually.’ Neither of her parents noticed that she didn’t have any friends and she preferred it that way. Therapy usually followed being alone.

‘Really? Why is that?’

‘Casey and Spencer dressed up like faeries and invaded the commentary box - they got thrown out. It was pretty funny.’ It was often that she would tell a small story about a made up pair of people just to sound normal.

‘That does sounds funny.’ Her dad didn’t crack a smile, his eyes glued to the road.

‘Yeah, a lot of people thought they might get arrested but no such luck.’

‘Crazy.’ It was obvious that he wasn’t listening.

She cleared her throat. ‘So, how was work?’

‘Good, good. Pretty quiet, though.’

‘Of course.’

‘Your mother called at lunch and said she had some school assignment of yours that you had forgotten. She wanted me to try and call the school -’ he paused. ‘- couldn’t get through.’

‘Hm. I don’t remember any missing homework assignments. Must’ve been a mistake.’

‘Maybe.’ They pulled into the station, it was quiet, the lights were dim, she shivered. He pulled into the lot in the back where there was a small row of off-duty cars and across from it a row of cars that belonged to the officers. It was cold and she climbed out quickly, getting her back pack and dashing across the street to her dad’s little silver Honda. He was obviously in no rush and took a good three minutes getting something out of the back and then walking agonizingly slow to the station to return the keys. She hopped on one foot, trying to get warm.

Finally her dad got back and they both climbed into the car, it was freezing and she pulled her knees up to her chest, blowing into her hands.

The first time you hear a gunshot you never forget it. Well, that’s not entirely true, (semicolon) if you hear the shot from a mile off, or even just a few yards off, the shock will be less. But in Alicia's case the shot was right next to her ear, sending what was left of her fathers fragmented soul to a place that she did not understand. (Oh, oh, GREAT sentence) She couldn’t stop screaming, but she couldn’t hear her voice, (period, new sentence) there was a hole in the back of his head and he was slumped over the steering wheel, (Period, new sentence) the keys fell from his hands. Without much thought as to who might have fired the shot, and without looking into the back seat where she would have seen a boy not much older then herself, she threw herself out of the (???) ran faster then she ever had before. Gleaming blood froze on her face. She had no idea where she was going.

Okay, I should have warned you - I'm a ruthless editor, and if I shred your work it DOES NOT MEAN that I don't like it. Honestly, I thought this was great. I FELT something when I read it. I loved how this girl is quiet and shy and sweet, not just some rebel-without-a-cause. I love how she doesn't even fit in with the outcasts. That last paragraph was brilliant.

The stuff that I bolded was just grammatical errors. You need to work on your run-ons and fragments; you had a lot of those. But honestly, I really really enjoyed this. I hope you post more soon!

Hey.

It's probably just me, but I just couldn't get into it. I suggest a more attention-grabbing hook. I mostly skimmed, so I can't really offer an opinion.

Sorry

I think this is the start of a very interesting story, especially with how it ended. Makes me wonder what's going to happen to her, and why her father was killed.

I like how the beginning of the story, introducing her through a normal event. Although, I do wonder why she was at the football game if she hated it so much. I mean, I do get that it could be to fool her parents, but why doesn't she go and hang out someplace else? Why is she at the game?

Her mind wandered and she remembered that tomorrow she had to drive all the way up to Greensboro to baby sit her little cousins.

Why is she catching a ride from her dad if she can drive? This could do with a bit of an explanation, maybe something like she's only allowed the car for certain things. Or, she has an arrangement with her mother over a car and not her dad.

She would have preferred to go home but her dad wasn’t picking her up until nine-thirty when he got off duty and it was only quarter to nine now.

You might want to put in something after that telling that her dad is a police officer, maybe how she feels about that? Although, I might be the only one who managed to skip the part where she got into the police car....

But in Alicia's case the shot was right next to her ear, sending what was left of her fathers fragmented soul to a place that she did not understand.

For some reason, probably due to the fact that you refer to her as 'She' all of the time, the use of Alicia doesn't quite sound right to me. Although, it really is kind of needed.

I am very interested in what happens next in this story, what's going to happen to Alicia. I'm quite curious as to who the boy is, and why he felt the need to kill her father.

Good luck with your writings, and PM me when you post more.

Here is chapter 2...let me know what you think!!!!

******

Ice like frozen dreams tore at her lungs as she ran and tears fought to escape. It wasn‘t until her hearing returned that she realized how stupid she was being. Whoever had killed her father would surely want to be rid of too, right? And yet she had run in the opposite direction of safety and was now completely lost.

As she turned a sharp corner down a residential street she thought she could detect the sound of footsteps behind her. They were light and seemed to mix with the distant sound of malicious laughing.

When breath no longer came and a feverish exhaustion settled in her chest, she stopped. The street lamps seemed dimmer than usual and dead grass was the only thing that shone in the ugly light. Leaning against a rusty chain-link fence, she closed her eyes. She could feel the frozen blood stiff on her face and she didn’t dare touch it. Wouldn’t it made this all real? It seemed like a terribly embarrassing thought. Of course it was real.

An odd giggling caused her to force her eyes open and she looked around. Only a few yards away, a figure was crouched behind a street lamp shaking with laughter. Likely because it was obvious that the lamp was not obscuring it in the least.

‘It’s cold out, isn’t it?’ It was a boy; his voice slightly husky but much too full of boyish idiocy. ‘Okay, okay, I killed him. I’ve never liked law-enforcement. The law’s only purpose is to keep me from having fun.’ Light slipped gracefully onto the thirteen or fourteen year old boy like they were old friends. He was wearing torn, stained jeans and a jacket the color of leaves on their death beds; it was buttoned up to his chin. His hair the flighty color of fire and his eyes luminous, like slivers of silver in the dark.

‘You aren’t going to say anything? I chased you far enough, didn’t I? I thought you would at least be mad that I killed your sweet dad but I guess I was wrong.’ He was now only inches away from her and she could feel his breath on face. It smelled of lightning and rotting wood.

‘What - what do you want?’ she managed; it was too obvious not to ask. There was really nothing threatening about him and she tried to convince herself he was not dangerous. Since he had just killed her dad, she was having trouble with this.

‘Well…you and you and you and your name. Do you think you can handle all that?’ He giggled and started to play with her hair, twisting it and braiding it around her face.

‘Stop it.’ She pushed his hands away and he caught her wrist.

‘What about your name? C’mon, that’s not too much to ask, is it?’ He brought her hand up to his face and studied it curiously.

‘Alicia.’ She paused, trying to pull her hand away but he ignored her. ‘Why did you do it? What is wrong with you?’ Mind racing in frantic circles, she attempted to organize her thoughts. But they all yelled, ‘Anarchy!’ and continued in confused and hopeless patterns, accomplishing nothing.

‘I told you. I don’t like law-enforcement. Although, this particular time, I chose your dad because I kind of wanted to get you. And look, here you are right in front me! Fate can be so fair sometimes.’ Dropping her hand, he touched her face like a child with a shiny new toy.

‘What now?’ She pushed his hands away irritably; fear didn’t seem to care for the odd boy.

‘Oh, I never think very far ahead. How should I know what I’m going to do?’ His hands, growing quickly bored of just sitting there, began to unbutton her jacket.

‘Stop it! It’s cold!’ Again, she pushed him away. He was beginning to remind her of one of the little boys she babysat; dangerously curious.

‘Well, I guess we should go somewhere warmer then, right?’ Taking her wrist suddenly, he began to pull her under the flickering lights, across the street.

‘Where are you taking me?’ She supposed she must have brought her own fear along with her because quite suddenly, things were much darker and much more serious than his boyish giggle. She tried to yank her wrist out of his grip and he stopped on the cracked sidewalk. ‘You have to let me go!’ Quite annoyingly, fear became angry tears and she tried to brush them away.

‘What?’ He looked thoroughly confused at her tears.

‘You need to let me go!’

‘Oh no, I couldn’t do that. What a waste all the planning I went through to kill your dad if I was just going to let little Alicia go.’ He smiled in a less than kind and feeling way but sounded sincere. His grip tightened and he grabbed her other wrist. ‘Just relax, I’m sure your mom will be happier without you.’ He didn’t seem to realize how cruel that was.

‘No! Seriously, please let me go!’ Fighting him didn’t seem to be helping.

‘Now you’re annoying me.’ Letting go of one of her wrists, he pulled a hand gun out of his jacket. ‘It’s funny, I think it’s easier to kill people in this world. I think I like it okay.‘ He grinned. ‘Sorry.’ And he hit her on the side of the head. The cold disappeared and the shadows deepened. The last thing she remembered was that annoying giggle



‘You’re waking up!’

Head aching less than it should have, she raised herself on her elbows. Her eyes hurt and her hair was plastered to the side of her face with dried blood. The floor beneath her was hard and only barely softened by a dirty, crumpled cloak.

‘You slept all night, stupid. Well, no, you’re not stupid. You’re actually very pretty.’ He hopped off the table and smiled broadly. Light spread incongruously across his face and something about it made his oddities seem perfectly ordinary. She looked around more and wondered if the light had the same effect on the decrepit house; it looked normal enough with dusty, swinging chandelier, bare walls and dirty footprints.

‘Where…where did you take me?’ Sitting up, she touched the raised bump on the side of her head above her ear. She squeezed her eyes she in pain and dropped her hand. It still wasn‘t as bad as it should have been.

‘You’re in my house. Isn’t it nice? I won it last year in a bet.’ He sounded very proud of himself; but hadn’t really answered her question. The house was in severe disrepair and far from anything to be proud of.

‘How - how old are you?’ Did fourteen year old boys usually have their own houses? She wasn’t certain but it seemed unlikely.

‘I just turned old enough to have my own house.’ He laughed. She thought he was probably dodging and making fun of her at same time. ‘But I guess I’m about thirteen or fourteen if I took long enough thinking about it.’ Sitting down in front of her, he peeled the stiff hair away from her face and licked his hand, scrubbing the blood off roughly. ‘Sorry about that. But you were being kind of stupid.’

She shook her head like she thought there must be something stuck inside of it that didn’t belong. Events didn’t seem to be fitting in sensible rows and somehow she was sure she had a football game to go to that night.

‘Can you tell me where I am now?’ His gaze was terribly avid and almost gave her a headache; she stared at the muddy floorboards. She wanted to ask him where she had been when he found her but she felt like that was a frighteningly embarrassing question.

‘You’re in my world. I think it’s a much nicer world, really.’ Nicer than what world? Dammit, if only she could remember.

'Your - you world? I don’t think I believe you.’ Why would he get his own world when she couldn’t even remember hers?

His face fell. 'Can't you tell? The light in your world is so harsh. I thought you would be able to tell the difference...' He stood up and jumped over to the front door, pulling it open. 'C'mon, come and look.'

She got up a little hesitantly, hoping that something outside would remind her of what she had so heinously forgotten. There were no football fields.

'See?'

I like the addition of the sprite, Faeries are always interesting. Especially a sociopath. I like it.

I would suggest slowing down a little, allowing the character to get her feelings and explanations across.

Freezing air ripped at her lungs and, as her hearing returned, she was sure she could hear footsteps behind her.

Commas to set apart the appositive.

Deserted streets and dim street lamps lined her vision and, when she couldn’t run anymore, she found herself leaning on a chain-link fence, prickly grass beneath her and no idea where she was.

And again with the appositive. Although, the whole first paragraph could use a little work with sentence length. Some of them are a bit run-on, like this quoted sentence.

[s]They were[/s] He or she was laughing as far as she could tell. Probably because it was obvious that the lamp was not obscuring [s]them[/s] him or her in the least.

'They' is still not acceptable as a pronoun for one person. One of the things I still have trouble with, as it's so much easier to only use the one pronoun. But, still not acceptable.... Besides, then people get confused when you only reveal the one sprite.

She could think of nothing to say and she only waited for it draw closer.

You might want to add a bit to this paragraph, explain why she's still standing still. I mean, she's all freaked out over seeing her dad's murder, and here comes this person stalking her. I would be freaked out, even if it was a police officer. So, maybe she was too scared to move, or too out of breath to be able to move.

‘Yes, I killed him, all right. I’ve never liked law-enforcement. The law’s only purpose is to keep me from having fun.’ [s]It [/s] The person was close enough that she could see [s]it[/s] who it was.

I think you need to clarify the underlined part of the quote. It's a bit of a non sequitur, as they weren't talking about her father's death. She didn't even seem suspicious of him. So, maybe something like 'I was the one who killed your father.' Or, even something to draw it out, like 'Is something wrong?'

The bold is because she doesn't know that it's a faery, so it's better to say 'the person' until she reveals what he looks like. More appealing to the eyes, in any case.

His hair was the strangest mixture of yellow and orange and his eyes were like holes in the darkness.

So, you were missing the 'was,' and I also think it makes more sense to say 'mixture of yellow and orange.' Or, you might want it to be 'was a strange yellow and orange.' Either way works a bit better. And, I'm wondering about the eyes, are they luminous, or black holes in spite of the night?

Her mom probably knew by now.

How long was she running for? I mean, even though her dad was a police officer, he was off duty. I realize now that he was shot at the police station, so I can see how that can be discovered. Although, why didn't she run into the police station? And why couldn't the police catch the sprite? Why weren't there other cops getting off duty at the same time?

It wasn’t a light she recognized.

Tell us how it wasn't a light that she recognized. Was it purple, or a hazy kind of a light? Compare it to the light in our world, or explain how it's different.

‘How - how old are you?’ She suddenly realized that fourteen year old boys didn’t usually win houses in bets and then go live in them.

You might was to switch the dialogue and the sentence. Or, add in a speech tag. Because that's a random question, especially with the unanswered question before.

‘I just turned old enough to have my own house.’ He laughed. ‘But I guess I’m about thirteen or fourteen if I took long enough thinking about it.’

Explaining again, how he can be old enough to own his house at 13 or 14? Are faery ages different than human ages?

It seemed stupid that the whole reason for this crazy, awful turn of events could be that a stupid fourteen year old boy, who hated law enforcement, thought she was cute. It actually seemed really stupid. But impossible things tend to be stupid, don't they?

This paragraph doesn't quite fit where it was, it's too random there. I think it would fit better up with where he apologized for the head wound. Or else create another place, with mentions of how he finds her cute. It might actually explain a bit more of her dad's murder.

Another great part in what's shaping up to be a great story. I'm really curious as to what the plot's going to be. What this sprite has planned for her. And I'm really curious as to how she's going to react, with a creature who thinks that killing her father would get her to love him.

Beyond that, I'm interested in what's going to happen next. Good luck with your writing, and PM me anytime you want to, especially for the next part.

Hmmmm...This was okay. I thought the second chapter was better than the first.

Characters: You need to focus on Alicia more. Her character seems a little flat. All we know about her is that she doesn't really care about her dad - and now he's dead - and that she has no friends. What does she enjoy doing? Is there anything? Does she have any kind of relationship with her mom? She keeps saying she wants to see her mom but it doesn't really explain why. Also, what about the sprite/fairy whatever he is? He seems like a kid but then he also seems 'interested' in Alicia. He says he's about fourteen and sometimes he acts fourteen and sometimes he acts four. I guess that could just be his character but it will difficult to keep that consistent so make sure you don't forget how flighty and crazy he is.

Plot: So, there's this girl who has no friends and has almost no connections in her world. Suddenly, for no other reason but that a magical creature takes a liking to her - and doesn't like policeman - her father is dead and she whisked off to some kind of fairy world. Now, I like it, it's fairly original, but all you have to be careful of is that it doesn't turn into some kind of stupid romance. If you keep him consistent you could make her fall in love with him but him have no idea what it means and maybe break her heat. Or something like that. Just be careful to keep him in character.

So I like it. The writing is okay and at least one of the characters is cool. Keep writing. Good luck.

Hi! I havn't seen you before. Now, before I delve into the story, I'd like to tell you that the plot for this story is awesome.

Now, there were alot of grammatical (big word, I know) errors. You might want to fix that. It will really add to the story. I can't really, give more of a review than that. I kind of scimmed. To fix that, you should probably add some action in the first couple of paraghraphs, or not so many words about her being an out cast.

Love your story!

Chapter 3...please tell me if it's awful or not!!!

*****


Looking out a door and seeing something that shouldn’t exist is one of those things that doesn’t happen very often. Oddly enough, since Alicia didn‘t seem to be able to figure out the difference, she couldn‘t be too surprised.

If Alicia‘s memory would have been intact she would have found everything rather common. Trees stood gold and orange in blurred light and grass was obscured by dead leaves. There was a swinging bridge a few hundred feet to the right but other than that she could detect no sign of other human - or fairy - life. The air tasted slightly foreign - the scent of dying leaves more syrupy and sweet then she hoped she remembered. The sky was a hazy blue and seemed to sit comfortably on the highest branches of the trees. She felt like there had been buildings, roads, cars and ugly lights in where she come from. But she was afraid she had it all wrong.

‘D’ya like it?’ He jumped in front of her and spread his arms wide, his eyes shining a little mischievously.

Momentarily unsure and horribly confused, she began to cry. Why couldn’t she remember? She felt so stupid.

‘Ah, but it’s so pretty, right? And the coolest part is that it’s nothing like the funny ‘fantasy’ books that you stupid humans write! You always have names like, ‘Blogpharnia’ and, ‘Middle Earth’, and, ‘Magic-ness world’. It’s so dumb. I want to know who thought up Middle Earth. I mean, I read those funny books and everything and they didn’t look anything like the way the middle of the earth would look. Wouldn’t it be underground? Anyway, there isn’t too much magic around here but I like it better that way. And I never tell the other things about my magic. They would try and steal it.’ He made a face. ‘It’s so annoying.’ He hadn’t been paying her much attention during this monologue and when he finally looked back at her he stuck his out his lip childishly.

‘You really shouldn’t cry. It makes me mad. C’mon, just tell me why you’re sad.’ Taking her hand, he led her back into the house. His expression looked far from concerned and he looked like he would, any minute, burst out laughing at her.

‘You have to take me home.’ Pulling her hand away, she wiped her eyes; she hated crying. Where was home? Wouldn’t she remember if he took her? She hoped in a hopeless way.

‘That’s just stupid. This place is a hundred times better than your dirty, ugly world. I watched you for a while, you know. You weren’t very happy there. You didn’t have any friends and no one liked you.’ This made him laugh and took him a minute to finish before he looked at her again. A little less flippantly, he continued. ‘I really don’t know why. You have the prettiest everything that I’ve ever seen.’

Had she really not had any friends? Yes, that made sense. Being alone was something she remembered the best. It was comforting in an ironic fashion.

‘How do you know I wasn’t happy?’ She hated to think that he knew better than her. ‘But you have to take me back. If you don’t I’ll…’ Suddenly she was angry. She had to remember. ‘I’ll find someone else to take me back!’ And she stomped to the door, grabbing the doorknob.

‘Ah, don’t be silly, Alicia. Didn’t I just tell you I was the only one around here who could take you back?’

He jumped in front of her and slammed the door, looking thoroughly annoyed. This didn‘t look like it was going to work. ‘Actually you didn‘t say anything about that.’ But she gave up and stepped back. ‘Okay. Fine. At least tell me who you are. And if I’ll ever be allowed back. C’mon, you have to.’ She glared at him.

‘I don’t like all those questions. And I’m not going to tell you my name.’ He tried to glare back and gave up, laughing to himself.

‘Why not? What’s wrong with you?’ Glaring didn’t seem to help and so she stopped.

‘Names are important things, stupid. And there is nothing wrong with me. Plus, if I took you back things wouldn’t be the same at all.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I would follow you around everywhere.’ He doubled over in laughter and took her hand. ‘C’mon, I want to show you upstairs!’

The nagging certainty that she could be certain of nothing was more painful than being pistol-whipped…although she only remembered that very vaguely. She hoped dearly that going back to wherever she came from would fix her memory. Allowing herself to imagine that it wouldn’t was completely inappropriate.

When they reached the hallway he dragged her to a closed door and kicked it open easily.

A dancing, wildly crackling fire was burning to her left and furniture was piled against the walls like he had tried to decorate. Couches on their sides and tables upside-down; lamps with broken light-bulbs and odd pieces of artwork; they contradicted each other quite horridly. It was all very expensive-looking, it just didn’t match. It didn’t seem like a normal was decorating--actually, she was sure that there was nothing normal about it; it made her feel good. He led her to the biggest couch and threw himself down upon it, pulling her with him.

‘Isn’t it crazy! I wanted to decorate and so I got all this awesome furniture. I never let the fire go out. Do you like it?’ He looked at her hopefully. His eyes almost looked earnest and there was something human about the way he asked, like he cared.

‘Um…it’s kind of nice.’ She was afraid he would interpret enthusiasm in the wrong way.

‘Perfect.’ And he started to unbutton her jacket again.

‘What are you doing?' He ignored her. 'It's not like I couldn't unbutton it myself.' She sounded sullen.

‘I like unbuttoning things.’ When he finished he pulled it off and threw it in the chuckling fire.

‘Hey! What if I need that again?’

‘I don’t like it - it’s ugly.’ Sitting back down, he stared at her intently. The shirt she was wearing now was tighter and the sleeves only reached to her elbows. The shirt hadn’t been meant to be seen, it was only something to wear beneath the jacket…she squirmed under his gaze. ‘I like looking at you, you know.’ He sounded so immature and silly that she almost laughed.

‘You‘re pretty rude, you know.’

‘Rude? I’m the one who killed your dad, remember? Ha, and you think I’m worried about being rude.’

What? Her thoughts were suddenly all painted strange oranges and greys; she shook. Could she have forgotten something so huge? She sincerely hoped not.

‘Dammit! Did you really…did you really kill him?’ She didn’t look at him.

‘Of course. Who else could have been sitting in the back of his car all day?’ Biting her lip, she stared at him. He must be lying. Of course he was lying. Taking a deep breath, she dunked all her thoughts into a barrel of white paint and tried to forget it.

Giggling, he scooted closer to her. His hands grew bored again and were tired of his eyes having all the fun; he touched her hair and then her face. She pushed him away, thoroughly distracted. ‘C’mon, why can’t I touch you? It’s not like I’m hurting you, am I?’ He pushed her against the arm of the couch and leaned close to her face. ‘Can I kiss you, Alicia?’ He grinned.

Shaking her head, she tried to focus on what was happening. She was sitting on a couch with a crazy little boy who thought she was a new jump rope. Okay, it could be worse.

‘Aw, that’s not nice.’ His lips were a little rough on hers but they didn’t stay very long, instantly bored and moving to her pale cheek. After a second, he moved back and brought her hands to his lips. ‘Your skin is warmer than mine.’ Things were flattening out. She just had to deal with this crazy kid until she could get back. It wasn’t that hard--she could do it.

His grip relaxed for a split second and she pulled away, sliding off the couch. ‘You’re stupid.’ It was the first thing that came out of her mouth and, somehow, it made sense.

He ignored her comment. ‘What? You’re leaving me? I’ll let you take off my jacket if you want.’ Giggling, he got up off the couch--he was really completely oblivious to what he was implying.

‘You have no idea what you’re doing. Honestly, you don’t.’

‘Yes I do. I’m playing with my new toy. I haven’t had a new one in a while and it’s only fair that -’

‘Wait, you’ve kidnapped other girls?’

‘Well, not always girls. Sometimes if I want a friend to play with I’ll kidnap a six or seven year old boy. They are always so much fun to go on adventures with. But when I get bored of them sometimes I kidnap a mean old grown up and make them crazy until they throw themselves into the ravine.’ He laughed. ‘The last girl I brought here was boring so I got rid of her.’ He got up off the couch and started to unbutton his green jacket.

‘You…got rid of her?’ For some reason it seemed funny but if she would have thought about it, there was nothing funny about it at all.

‘Oh yeah, I just threw her out. It was actually pretty funny.’ He had his jacket off now and his shirt underneath made her laugh. It used to be white, as far as she could tell, but it had quite obviously never been washed and was a mixture colors that she didn’t even recognize. In the end, it was grey.

‘Into - into the ravine?’

‘Oh, I don’t remember! Why are you asking all these dumb questions? It’s annoying me. Look, I took my jacket off to! How do I look?’ He danced in a circle ceremoniously.

‘So, what are you going to do with me when I get boring?’

His face fell. He didn’t understand why she was asking so many questions. ‘I haven’t thought about it. Do we have to talk so much? I have an idea! Lets play a game where I always win!’ He giggled and got very close, his mouth nearly touching hers. ‘The game is, you have to run away and I have to catch you. Have you ever played that before?’ His mouth was distracting her and she nodded unenthusiastically. ‘Good, I’ll give you a ten second head start.’ Before she had passed him he caught her arm. ‘Wait, give me a kiss for good luck before we start, okay?’

‘No!’ Her insistence comforted her; at least she hadn’t forgotten her personality.

‘Fine.’ He made a face. ‘You’d better run fast.’ Numbers spilled out of his mouth at random and, for a moment, she forgot to run because of it.

There were shadows on the stairs and dust motes sparkled in the waning light. It didn’t make sense.

Chapter 2

Um, I think everyone else got the detailed critique. I just have one comment about the storyline. Why would Alicia immediately think that the boy was a sprite? Personally, if I saw a little kid with orange hair, I would think he was a runaway or a rebellious teenager or whatever. If I saw his eyes were silver...I'd think I was dreaming, or hallucinating. Do you see what I mean? She probably wouldn't assume he was a fairy.

That detail aside, I really like the sprite. He adds a weird combination of terror and humor to the story. I can't decided if I'm going to grow attached to him or if I'll have nightmares about him. Nicely done.

Again, I'm only going to critique storyline things.

LittleBitCold wrote:Chapter 3...please tell me if it's awful or not!!!

*****


Looking out a door and seeing something that doesn’t exist is one of those things that doesn’t happen very often. Oddly enough, that is not what Alicia was thinking of at all. Like she had noticed before about the light - it made odd things look normal and normal things look odd. She wondered if everything she was seeing was completely crazy and she just didn’t know it.

But for the fact that there was a frightening ravine only a yard from his door, she thought everything looked rather common. Trees stood gold and orange in blurred light and grass was obscured by dead leaves. There was a swinging bridge a few hundred feet to the right but other than that she could detect no sign of other human - or fairy - life.

‘D’ya like it?’ He jumped in front of her and spread his arms wide, his eyes shining a little mischievously.

She looked at him, momentarily unsure and slightly terrified. ‘Can I go home now?’ And she broke into stupid sobs. (I'd nix that sentence and rephrase it - maybe mention that she started crying earlier? It just sounds sort of tacked on.)

‘Ah, but it’s so pretty right? And the coolest part is that it’s nothing like the funny ‘fantasy’ books that you stupid humans write! You always have names like, ‘Blogpharnia’ and, ‘Middle Earth’, and, ‘Magic-ness world’. It’s so dumb. I want to know who thought up Middle Earth. I mean, I read those funny books and everything and they didn’t look anything like the way the middle of the earth would look. Wouldn’t it be underground? Anyway, there isn’t too much magic around here but I like it better that way. And I never tell the other things about my magic. They would try and steal it.’ He made a face. ‘It’s so annoying.’ He hadn’t been paying her much attention during this monologue and when he finally looked back at her he stuck his out his lip childishly.

‘You really shouldn’t cry. It makes me a little angry. C’mon, just tell me why you’re sad.’ He took her hands and pushed her back into the house, looking mockingly concerned.

‘I told you…I want to go home.’ She pulled her hands away and sat down on the stairs, refusing to look at him.

‘That’s just stupid. This place is a hundred times better than your dirty, ugly world. I watched you for a while, you know. At least before I decided to take your stupid dad out.’ He giggled and continued. ‘You weren’t very happy there. You didn’t have any friends and no one liked you.’ He grew a little less flippant and looked at her. ‘I really don’t know why. You have the prettiest everything that I’ve ever seen.’ He kneeled on the stair in front of her and pushed her hair out of her face.

‘You don’t know I wasn’t happy. It’s not like you talked to me…Plus, you had no right to bring me here without asking. And - and -’ But she couldn’t finish, anger suddenly making her for forget her previous tears. ‘You can’t keep me here! If you won’t take me back then I’ll find someone who will!’ She pushed him away and made for the door.

‘Ah, don’t be silly, Alicia. Didn’t I just tell you I was the only one around here who could take you back?’

He jumped in front of her and slammed the door, looking thoroughly annoyed. She stared at him for a moment and then reached for the doorknob, trying to yank the door open even with him leaning against it. ‘Actually you didn‘t say anything about that. AND you’re three years younger than me!’ She hadn’t actually turned seventeen yet but three years sounded better than two.

‘Well, that doesn’t mean anything. Time doesn’t matter much to me. Plus, if I did take you back things would be different.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I would follow you around everywhere.’ He doubled over in laughter and grabbed her wrist, yanking it off the doorknob and beginning to drag her toward the stairs. ‘C’mon, I want to show you upstairs!’ He really didn’t get it.

Could it just be the weirdness of this world or was it just her that was beginning not to hate him? Of course it didn’t make sense to expect a girl to like you after you killed her father. But what if the girl hardly cared about her father? What if the girl was already slightly crazy and getting hit over the head with a hand gun and then swept off into another world had just made her crazier?

As he pulled her up the stairs she didn’t fight, curiosity getting the better of her. When they reached the hallway he dragged her to closed door and kicked it open easily.

A blazing fire was burning to her left and furniture was piled against the walls like he had tried to decorate. All the furniture was very nice, it just didn’t match. He pulled her to the biggest couch and threw himself down upon it, pulling her with him. It was warm from the fire and she almost didn’t want to get up.

‘Isn’t it crazy! I wanted to decorate and so I got all this awesome furniture. I never let the fire go out. Do you like it?’ He looked at her hopefully. His eyes almost looked earnest and there was something almost human about the way he asked, like he cared.

‘Um…it’s kind of nice.’ She didn’t want him to think she liked him. Right?

‘Perfect.’ And he started to unbutton her jacket again.

‘Wait! What are you doing?’ She tried to push his hands away but he ignored her.

‘It’s warm enough now. You don’t need this ugly jacket.’ Biting her lip, she let him finish unbuttoning. When he finished he grabbed her sleeve and pulled her arm out of it. She helped him get it all the way off and when it was off he stood up and tossed it into the fire.

‘Hey! What if I need that again?’

‘I don’t like it.’ He sat back down and stared at her. The shirt she was wearing now was tighter and only reached to her elbows. She squirmed under his gaze. ‘I like looking at you, you know.’ He sounded so immature and silly that she almost laughed.

‘That’s kind of rude.’

‘Rude? I’m the one who killed your dad, remember? Ha, and you think I’m worried about being rude.’ He giggled and scooted closer to her. He reached out and touched her hair and then his hand moved down to her face. She caught his wrist and started to get off the couch but he stopped her. ‘C’mon, why can’t I touch you? It’s not like I’m hurting you, am I?’ He pushed her against the arm of the couch and leaned close to her face. ‘Can I kiss you, Alicia?’ He grinned.

‘No! Let me go!’ She said it a little half-heartedly. Even though he was a killer fourteen year old she still thought there was something terribly innocent about him.

‘Ah, that’s not nice.’ And he kissed her anyway. His lips were a little rough but he only touched her mouth for half a moment before moving away and kissing her on the cheek and the forehead. After a second, he moved back and brought her hands to his lips. ‘Your skin is warmer than mine.’ He looked roguish in an undetectable way and she wanted to get mad but couldn’t.

His grip relaxed for a split second and she pulled away, sliding off the couch.

‘What? You’re leaving me? I’ll let you take off my jacket if you want.’ He didn’t seem to have any idea what he was implying with his actions.

‘You have no idea what you’re doing. Honestly, you don’t.’

‘Yes I do. I’m playing with my new toy. I haven’t had a new one in a while and it’s only fair that -’

‘Wait, you’ve kidnapped other girls?’

‘Well, not always girls. Sometimes if I want a friend to play with I’ll kidnap a six or seven year old boy. They are always so much fun to go on adventures with. But when I get bored of them sometimes I kidnap a mean old grown up and make them crazy until they throw themselves into the ravine.’ He laughed. ‘The last girl I brought here was boring so I got rid of her.’ He got up off the couch and started to unbutton his green jacket.

‘You…got rid of her?’ For some reason it seemed funny but if she would have thought about it, there was nothing funny about it at all.

‘Oh yeah, I just threw her out. It was actually pretty funny.’ He had finished unbuttoning his jacket and when he pulled it off she saw his t-shirt underneath was grey and covered in stains.

‘Into - into the ravine?’

‘Oh, I don’t remember! Why are you asking all these dumb questions? It’s annoying me. Look, I took my jacket off to! How do I look?’ He danced in a circle and again, she almost laughed.

‘So, what are you going to do with me when I get boring?’

His face fell. He didn’t understand why she was asking so many questions. ‘I haven’t thought about it. Do we have to talk so much? I have an idea! Lets play a game where I always win!’ He giggled and got very close, his mouth nearly touching hers. ‘The game is, you have to run away and I have to catch you. Have you ever played that before?’ His mouth was distracting her and she nodded unenthusiastically. ‘Good, I’ll give you a ten second head start.’ He moved away from her and then stopped. ‘Wait, give me a kiss for good luck before we start, okay?’

She hesitated, but his silliness was becoming infectious and no matter how scared she was and how ridiculously amoral he was, she had to comply. Quickly, she stood on tip toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

‘What? Only on the cheek? Oh well. You’d better run fast.’ He started to count and she raced out of the room. She didn’t know why she was doing this. Was she starting to like him? There was something strangely endearing about a six year old caught in the body of a fourteen year old. She tried to ignore the fact that he had killed a lot of innocent people and remembered how silly his kisses were. Her thoughts didn’t make sense. What she was doing didn’t fit with what she thought she was doing.

She was just reaching the bottom of the stairs when she heard him finish counting. She remembered how the light had made odd things seem normal and vice versa. She wondered if it could make normal people become odd. Could this weird world make her fall in love?

Okay...I am disturbed. Am I supposed to be disturbed?

Well, my major complaint is that I think you're rushing this 'relationship' between the sprite and Alicia. I think, for a little while at least, Alicia would be a heck of a lot more freaked out. She wouldn't just immediately find the little fairy adorable.

And secondly, whether you hated your father, loved your father, or totally didn't care about your father, you would feel SOMETHING if he was murdered. Guilt, horror, confusion, weariness, fear, grief - SOMETHING. If Alicia was really as apathetic about her father as she seemed, she might feel a little bit guilty for NOT caring that he was murdered. But she would feel some sort of emotion.

Anyway, that's my two cents. :)

Okay, I'm finally getting around to paying you back for your reviews. Since these are all in the same thread, this will be QUITE a long critique, so buckle down, my leetle friend. xD

CHAPTER ONE

The bright lights focused on the football field felt like they were more focused on her.

This is basically fine, but I think it would flow better if it were put like this:
'The bright lights focused on the football field felt more like they were focused on her.' Just a random difference, though. =D

She fought the urge to laugh at the patheticity.

Okay, I'm not sure if someone hasn't already addressed this, but I'll point it out anyways. 'Patheticity' isn't technically a word. I thought you could put it like this...
"She fought the urge to laugh at their pitiful obliviousness to those around them." Something more like that, although you certainly don't need to copy me word for word.

‘Save your breath. You know it's not going to do anything…'

Just added the comma in 'it's'. =D

to her dads car

Dad's, not dads.

But in Elysia’s case

Is her name Alicia or Elysia? Make up your mind! ;-;

Overall, this chapter was good. There were a few parts that could've been clearer, but 'tis okay. Now, onto the next chapter!! Dundundunnn!

CHAPTER TWO

Her thoughts were too jumbled to think

Hmm, read that aloud....
Doesn't sound right, does it? Thought and think; kind of repetition. Maybe try it more like... 'She was too terrified to think of...' etc.

your dear old dad

Aghhh! Cliche. ;-;
Just chuck the 'dear old,' pretty please.

Well…you and you and you and your name.

This made me smile.

He giggled and started to play with her hair, touching it and braiding it around her face.

Usually if someone is playing with someone else's hair, they're already touching it. x-x
Either just throw out 'touching it', or put something else there. =D

She started to pull away but he caught her wrist and stopped her

One: Catching people's wrists happens way too much in books - try something else?
Two: As with what I said in the other sentence, if he catches her wrist (or something of that sort) he is obviously stopping her. I'd suggest throwing the 'stopping her' part out, and making the 'wrist' part longer. ^_^

Oh, I never think very far ahead.

Haha! This made me laugh. It's perfect for his character.

She would have been much more frightened if he wouldn’t have seemed so much like one of the little boys she babysat; just curious.

This is another example of your mad writing skillz. It's a great way to explain his behavior.

He sat down in front of her touched her head where he had hit her.

Put a comma after 'her', and replace the 'ed' in 'touched' with 'ing'. =D

She flinched and moved away from him. It hurt a lot.

Okay, this is stating the obvious again. Try it like...
'She flinched and cringed away, her head throbbing painfully.'

Looking out a door and seeing something that doesn’t exist is one of those things that doesn’t happen very often. Oddly enough, that is not what Alicia was thinking of at all. Like she had noticed before about the light - it made odd things look normal and normal things look odd. She wondered if everything she was seeing was completely crazy and she just didn’t know it.

This description doesn't describe much. What I think you should do is imagine exactly what you would see if you were Alicia, standing in that doorway. Are there steps down from the door? What is beyond the ravine, besides trees and dead leaves? What sounds (if any), can she hear? What does it smell like outside? Is there any breeze? And so on.

You really shouldn’t cry. It makes me a little angry.

I'd suggest cutting out 'little'. It just doesn't sound right, where it is. ;-;

making her for forget her

I think you added one too many 'for's. xD

Could it just be the weirdness of this world or was it just her that was beginning not to hate him? Of course it didn’t make sense to expect a girl to like you after you killed her father. But what if the girl hardly cared about her father? What if the girl was already slightly crazy and getting hit over the head with a hand gun and then swept off into another world had just made her crazier?

The last sentence in this paragraph was funny, but, as people have said before me, you can't make her fall in love so quickly. Even if she despised her father, she wouldn't trust his murderer. Try again to imagine yourself in her situation, and fix it accordingly. =D

‘Ah, that’s not nice.

I think you mean 'Aw', not 'Ah'.


Overall, I liked it. The only real problemo here is that you're really rushing it. She might - someday - fall in love with him, but it wouldn't make sense for it to happen so fast, even if he hadn't killed her dad. Try dragging it out some more. I know you have the talent to think up some great ideas!
And thanks for all the reviews you gave me. =D

PM me when the next chapter is up, please!

- S E L A

Finally getting around to reviewing this, . Another interesting chapter, revealing more of the predicament that Alicia has found herself in. Being kidnapped by a troublesome, mischievous sprite is certainly interesting.

Looking out a door and seeing something that doesn’t exist is one of those things that doesn’t happen very often.

Given that she's actually looking at it, it does exist. So, maybe change it to something like 'something that shouldn't exist.'

Like she had noticed before about the light - it made odd things look normal and normal things look odd.

This sentence seems like a fragment. Is it the light that makes odd and normal get mixed up? If so, then you need to clarify that. Or, you need to add more onto the sentence, after another dash to close that part off, and compare the view to the light.

There was a swinging bridge a few hundred feet to the right but, other than that, she could detect no sign of other human - or fairy - life.

Added in commas for the appositive, makes the sentence read better. Also, there's also the spelling 'Faery' for fairies. It's the spelling that I usually use, but the traditional 'fairy' still works as well, .

‘Ah, but it’s so pretty here, right?

As much as I'd hate to add more to that paragraph, I do think that sentence needs a bit of work. I'd add in at least the comma there, because it needs a comma, but I'd also add in the bold word. And, you might add in something like 'Why would you want to go home?' Because that's what he's trying to say.

She pulled her hands away and sat down on the stairs, refusing to look at him.

Where are the steps that she's sitting on? Are they outside, or inside the house? Clarify on that and add a bit of movement to it.

‘You [s]don’t[/s] didn't know that I wasn’t happy. It[s]'s not[/s] wasn't like you talked to me…

I'd put that part in past tense, as it works a bit better. Also, the sentence needed the 'that' added to it.

‘Actually, you didn't say anything about that. [s]AND[/s] And you’re three years younger than me!

Needed the comma. Then, I really don't like the look of All Caps. If you really want that word to be emphasized, you could put it in italics. Plus, the second sentence really comes out of no where. Age doesn't really figure into the ability to travel. So, you might want to move that part, or add in how that figures into her argument. I mean, I really do see how it does, it just needs the extra bit.

You might also want to use that part as the beginning of a new paragraph.

Time doesn’t matter much to me.

This age thing is really bugging me. His behavior and his age doesn't really make sense. I mean, he seems like the timeless faery, but then he says that he's only 14 years old. Do Sprites age differently than humans? Does time flow differently than the human world, but he counts his age in human time? Do Sprites get kicked out of their houses early, and then go on to learn all of these things? How old does the average Sprite live to? Figure these out, and then explain a tiny bit more in the story.

He doubled over in laughter and grabbed her wrist, yanking it off the doorknob and beginning to drag her toward the stairs. ‘C’mon, I want to show you upstairs!’ He really didn’t get it.

The first sentence is clunky, and a bit of a run on. I'd write it something like this: He started laughing as he grabbed her wrist, breaking her hold on the doorknob. He dragged her toward the stairs. Also, he really didn't get what? Maybe add this to the next paragraph and clarify what he didn't get.

As he pulled her up the stairs, she didn’t fight, curiosity getting the better of her. When they reached the hallway, he dragged her to closed door and kicked it open easily.

Commas added, setting off ideas and movements.

A blazing fire was burning to her left and furniture was piled against the walls like he had tried to decorate. All the furniture was very nice, but it just didn’t match. He [s]pulled[/s] led her to the biggest couch and threw himself down upon it, pulling her with him. It was warm from the fire and she almost didn’t want to get up.

In the first sentence, I wasn't aware that people decorated rooms with piles of furniture, . You might want to rework that, adding in more description. Second sentence, I added in the bold word because it seemed to need it. Third sentence, you had 'pull' twice in the sentence, so I substituted the first with 'led.' Works just as well. The last sentence, why does she want to get up? Add in this explanation or delete the 'almost.'

She didn’t want him to think she liked him. Right?

How does complimenting the room equate into liking him?

When he finished, he grabbed her sleeve and pulled her arm out of it. She helped him get it all the way off and, when it was off, he stood up and tossed it into the fire.

Comma again. Then, the second sentence is a bit of a run on, you might want to make it into two sentences.

The shirt she was wearing now was tighter and only reached to her elbows.

As opposed to the shirt she was wearing earlier? And, what part of the shirt only reached her elbows? What was she doing wearing such a provocative shirt out to an event attended by people she didn't like?

[s]Ha, and [/s] Do you think I’m worried about being rude?’

The worded laugh just didn't really work. It makes more sense when it's a question.

As for the rest of it, I agree with Sela Locke, it seems a bit rushed. I think you really need to connect the reader to Alicia, and explain further why she's feeling this. Also, give Alicia more spirit. Before, at the football game, she was full of attitude, but she doesn't now.

And, as much as I like the sprite, he's kind of grating on my nerves. And, as strange as it sounds, he might be better if Alicia were more spirited. He wouldn't be the focus, against her weak protests. So, let Alicia have her head, and connect it to us.

All in all, very good chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next. I hope that Alica regains her spirit soon, . PM me when you post more, and good luck!

Thanks everybody for reviewing!!!! All of your advice was very helpful.

I MAJORYLY edited the third chapter and I hope it's better. The fourth should be up soon.

Thanks again!!!!