The feeling I get when I read this poem is the same as the feeling I get when I listen to Metallica's "Sad But True". It is hard to figure out what would be more frightening... being forced to act like a robot to hide our fleshy vulnerable selves or finding that the warm and innocent part of ourselves is just another mask and we are just as cold at our core as our shiny metallic skin. It is interesting to think that by disecting our selves we can gain understanding of human nature in general and in turn be able to size up anyone we meet using those same tools. Poems like this provide a kind of looking glass through which we can first see ourselves, then everyone else. I loved it! Very deep, very dark. All in all a great piece of work!
While I must praise the therapeutic benefits of expressing your feelings, I found this poem lacking in substance.
Your images - where I could find any - were quite effective. In particular, I thought your use of the mask as a symbol of ignorance was very creative. However, there are several problems with this piece that I'll detail below.
Most of this consisted of blatant telling:
"The boy that existed,
so pure and good,
has been corrupted,
and there I stood."
The passive construction you used here is a classic feature of telling. Turn this around; make it active! Active writing = successful writing. Here's my redraft:
"They all corrupted
my heart of shining gold
and turned it to stone:
barren, lifeless and cold."
See how this is much more direct and a more powerful statement? When you begin to realise how glib and emotionally limiting the passive voice is, you'll start to SHOW us your ideas and not tell them. By making this active, we've also managed to squeeze in some imagery. Images filter your emotions and make them more accessible to your audience. They allow them to experience for themselves what joy, isolation, fear and contempt actually mean to the speaker. While it's best not to clutter your work with them, the odd one can spice up your writing and really enhance it.
The rhyme scheme seems forced and artificial. Find good examples of rhyming verse where the scheme is natural and barely noticeable. That way, you'll start to get a feel for what makes good rhyming poetry and what doesn't.
You randomly capitalised 'And' several times, which didn't add anything. Unorthodox capitals (if they were unorthodox) should nuance the meaning and heighten it; you didn't achieve this.
The biggest flaw in this is that it was EXCESSIVELY long. So much telling and not enough showing makes reading this kind of exhausting after a while. Much of the piece is dead weight - get rid of it! Readers have very short attention spans: if you don't lure, grip or intrigue them right away, they won't pull themselves in and enjoy the rest of what you have to say. A good rule of thumb is:
Say More With Less!
If you had pared down your poem and focused on several clear, effective images, it could have been much more powerful. Compelling poetry is poetic. As it stands, this is neither compelling nor poetic enough.
Your concept really warrants a better version of this. Go away, redraft it and with a bit of perseverance, this will be fantastic!
Good luck!
Gahks
(At the moment, I'm rating this piece 3/10. If you learn from the mistakes you made, this could easily be a 7! I know you can do it!)
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
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Thank you for the reviews everyone. I feel like I want to write another because my father has done it again. He keeps on drinking and doesn't know when to stop leaving us all in danger. He gave his car to someone and I was the one who had to wake up at 7 this morning to find him, and then he drove his friend back to her house wasting my gas. I get SO fed up with it all. Anyway I’ll let yall know when I have something else up.
Josh
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ~William Shakespeare~
Scripts need love too!!!
wow it's been a long time. I don't even remember writing this....
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ~William Shakespeare~
Scripts need love too!!!
In every word, I could feel your emotion so much! I felt this odd mix of rage, sorrow, neglect, slight nostalgia, hate, and sadness.
It's awful that anyone has to go through what you had to go through, but I applaud you for expressing it in a healthy way. You truly have a gift for words, and I can see you being on the bestsellers list one day! Keep on writing!!!!
I really enjoyed this poem. The rhymes seemed to go very well together and the emotion was very direct. But yet, still I'm not completely sure of what the reader is suppost to feel? Also, is the poem suppost to be just about your father, or your whole family? I got a little lost there.
Otherwise, great poem! Can't wait for more from you!!!
~Hailey. <3
~*Summers filled with breaking the rules and standing apart, ignoring your head, and following your heart. <3*~
really, really loved this! you can tell that it's all true feelings that you have written down and that just makes it better overall. it's also great when it's someting you can relate to.
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."
I want to say that I found your poem a very good way of expressing the situation you're in. And it seems everbody agrees with me. You have very strong metaphors and descriptions about you, and in a poem, I search for that: A philosophy.
You have a philosophy here, and you would like to show that to world:) But your mask, actually you know every single person of us have a mask, stops you somehow.
A very dramatic end, that you realize "NOTHING has changed.". Is it really that way? I wished if the poem continues, but it was an end. It is just a suggestion, you know, but maybe you would go on a bit more.
One of the parts I found interesting is;
"...It was just another book,
so deserted and cold.
It was just another chapter,
of another story untold..."
Good use of rhyme.
Another part I liked most is;
"...Can’t he let me be?
How long must I suffer,
to have this thing absorbed on my face?..."
A scream. A silence scream worded on paper. That is great.
Keep going, I would like to read more from you:)
Bye for now,
Selin
